Admission Essay and Extra Curricular Elabortion?

<p>I wrote my admissions essay about my experience of being the only girl on an all boys lacrosse team, a big contact sport. It was mostly about how I pushed through it regardless of all the social problems and the gender stereotypes.
I already wrote my short essay on soccer. Is it too "one-dimensioned" I really like the way the thing on soccer sounds so I don't know if i should change it or not.</p>

<p>Here is the soccer one:
The grass under my feet, the light fall breeze, the droplets of sweat falling from my face, the passion, the relief, and the adventure are all of the things I feel when I step onto the soccer field. I sprint towards my opponent, keeping my eyes on the ball. Suddenly, everything inside of me is released and I feel free. All my stress is gone, and my muddy duct taped cleats are going as fast as possible. The passion of eleven people creates a work of art, an unforgettable feeling that combines happiness, love, intensity, and strength. Ever since I was five, I've shared inspiring, edge-of-the-seat moments with teammates, whom I’ve learned to trust. Soccer has taught me leadership and teamwork. It has given me a system of support and it has taught me how to support others. The game has rewarded me with the ability to pick myself up when I fall and to also be a helping hand to others who may stumble.</p>

<p>If you have other strong ECs that are important to you, I wouldn't write both of them about sports. If sports are your thing and you don't have other ECs that you're anywhere near as passionate about, writing both of the essays about sports is perfectly okay. Colleges aren't necessarily looking for well-rounded applicants when it comes to the ECs they've done -- applicants who excel in a specific area that they've chosen to focus on because that's what they're passionate about are also highly desirable.</p>

<p>By the same logic that permits applicants with just one EC -- but an extremely compelling one -- to do very well in the admissions process, having sports as your only important EC is fair game.</p>

<p>That said, the first half of your essay isn't telling me much. I don't really care for the artsy fluff that so many people like to shove into their essays. Get to the point and do so economically. It's possible for writing to be stylistically appealing and to demonstrate quality without having all that unnecessary fluff that often comes across not as high-quality writing but as cutesy and pointless.</p>

<p>Also, "duct taped" should be hyphenated. It's a compound adjective.</p>

<p>"And to also" is gross. Omit "to also" and emphasize the dual reward using "both": The game has rewarded me with both the ability to pick myself up when I fall and to be a helping hand to others who may stumble.</p>

<p>Your shift from cutesy, fluffy, present-tense writing to rapid-fire, emotionless, present-perfect-tense writing is abrupt and doesn't work well. And I'd argue that you don't have a strong case for a tense shift within this paragraph.</p>

<p>Long story short: It's perfectly legit to write both of your essays about sports if sports are that important to you. Your essay, however, is not as great as you seem to think.</p>

<p>I have other strong extracurriculars to write about so I guess I will scrap the soccer one. Thanks for the critique.</p>