admissions essay. HELP

<p>Hi, I've posted my essay couple of weeks ago. I edited it so it makes more sense, and shortened it (college requires 400-500 words, and i had 1000)... I took out some great portion of my essay, and it still is 700 words long -_- so i dunno what to do... </p>

<p>btw, I'll give you some background info about myself and about the essay so you can understand this essay a little bit easier:</p>

<p>I moved to America about 10 years ago, so this essay is mainly about struggling to learn English and having to fit with society.</p>

<p>I tried to imitate some of the works from famous authors such as Dickens (you will notice it) to enrich my essay. But I don't know if it really did :( infact im afraid that it might have actually hurt my essay. I know this essay is too long for admissions, so could u possibly tell me which area is unnecessary and can be shortened? thank you~</p>

<p>Prompt1: Write about an event, person, or place that had helped you shape your personality and made you the person that you are today.</p>

<p>Prompt2: Write about an accomplishment you've made.</p>

<p>I don't know which of these prompt this goes under, i think this fits for both.</p>

<p>A boy of the age of eight sits quietly in the back of the classroom. His eyes examine the cozy classroom. He has acquired a mouth to speak with, but has not yet acquired the language. He is free from authority, but is not yet free from his own consciousness. The drawings flow from the pencil in his hand. His ears concentrated toward the locution of the teacher, but he hears nothing meaningful. Isolation has always been with him in this classroom; he is left a speechless alien. He notices no loneliness. He notices no bareness. Life in the classroom has always been like this. An ambiguous irony, an unnecessary paradox stalked through his life, leaving him as a victim of the unrevealed future. As the words from his teacher slowly doze out, his conscious comes back to the classroom, back to the place of learning…
No five hundred pages of tightly written novel can even superficially outline my life. No one-thousand paged novel can either. My life has been a struggle, it has been a victory. It has been a failure, it has been a success. Since the moment when I walked through the gate of the Portland Airport, a new future greeted me with its devious smile. Separated callously away from my friends, left here in this foreign land, my quiet innocent soul was alarmed by the forewarning of obscurity. My tongue was thirsty for communication. Every time, everywhere, all I was surrounded by the strange language which I have did not know. School, market, neighbors, clubs, everywhere, strange people, strange words haunted me. Fearing human contact, I could not even bring myself to look into the faces of people who spoke to me. So this was it. This was my life. Living as an outcast to the world, living as a prisoner of my own fear. I lost my confidence and zeal.
January 31, 1996. Snow, storm, hail, rain, ice. The icy chills covered the town. Broken trees, collapsed houses everywhere, and one person lying on the bed, coughing and coughing, unable to resist the might of the sickness, tortured by the undefeatable coldness. This was the day that would change my life and awaken me from my own world. My grandpa, who amused and worried about me, who always stood strong like colossus, helplessly craving for life which will vanish into thin air. That moment, I realized. This was the fate of my grandpa. This was the fate of a person who was left in an unknown place friendless and speechless. From that time on, only one word came into my mind: Learn. It was time to let myself out into the foreign land and face the challenge, and defeat it.
Learning. I cannot say I’ve been successful. In fact, maybe I’ve been a failure. But I’ve come to realize that life cannot be overlooked on for mere fear. For three years, I’ve always carried a dictionary along with me. Three years of intense hunting for new words, thirsty for the defeat of the language barrier that has been the main obstacle blocking me from the society. Three years of intensely catching up with the rest of the students. Worn out dictionary as the result of my “hunting,” as I entered the Jr. High school, I was finally able to extricate the dictionary from me. As more social opportunities welcomed me, I begin to harmonize my soul with the world through cello I have started.
By the time I reached 11th grade, I had moved five times since I walked through the gate of Portland. I was so thirsty for the words “Honors” and “Advanced,” realizing the value of success. Try to go ahead. Don’t just try to catch up with everyone. Work more, Go more. Although the result has not been satisfying enough for my desire, I have successfully gone beyond my imagination of my life. Who would have known? Ten years ago, I was just a little boy who sat way back in the room holding a pencil drawing pictures, always a dictionary by my side. Now, I am walking the same path every ordinary American student is walking, not at all falling behind. All because of the one concept in my mind: Learn.</p>

<p>-the end- <--- not part of my essay </p>

<p>(I want as many of negative comment as possible so i know exactly what i need to fix) Thank you</p>

<p>Start by saying "I", don't say "a boy".</p>

<p>Write something that is appropriate to fit the prompt(s).</p>

<p>This is my advice from reading your explanation and the very first line of your essay...</p>

<p>I agree with Bettina. Write in your own words and with your own voice. Right now, the essay sounds stilted and melodramatic.</p>