adult advice needed-to gap or not to gap?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Well, I’ve royally botched things. I’m in my senior year, and everything seems to have gone wrong. I’ve messed up in a lot of ways–I delayed going to see a psychiatrist, both to get tested for ADD and to get a gender identity disorder diagnosis. Now, I just got the ADD diagnosis and I just started the 3 month process of getting a GID diagnosis. That will leave me about one month of taking hormones before going to college. I will not pass as the opposite gender at all by then, and I run the risk of discrimination, from physical violence to academic mistreatment. I was careful to select colleges that have a good track record with the LGBT community, but I cannot account for the individual prejudices or phobias that students or staff members may have. I fear that if I go to college next year, I will forever be known as the “tranny”. This alone makes me wonder if it’s worth the risk.</p>

<p>However, the ADD raises many other issues. I had very good grades in high school, but not good enough to get into schools that are on par with the mental level I feel I truly am. On top of that, I missed so many deadlines that the number of colleges I had planned on applying to was cut in half, removing many good options for me. I’ve missed the deadlines for all the local scholarships for which I had a chance, and money’s a big issue, since most of our savings went to paying for my older brother’s college, and he currently isn’t in a high paying job and is living at home. Perhaps during my gap year I could take classes at my local community college, and pursue a lot of outside interests that would allow me to show who I really am on my applications next year. I feel like I’ve changed significantly these past few months, and that the applications I sent did not at all represent the person I am now (also, it should be known that I did not disclose either condition to any colleges to which I applied). Additionally, I did well on the SAT, but very poorly on my sat 2s. This would allow me the time to retake these.</p>

<p>For many reasons, though, I doubt whether I should take a gap year. I know myself very well, and I am prone to becoming disheartened and giving up. I am concerned that at the first sign of failure, I’ll wave the white flag and let my gap year go to waste. Also, I am concerned that I might not get into the same schools I got into this year because of my decision to take a gap year, and I might not be able to win any scholarships. Also (and this is a minor issue) I just don’t like being around kids younger than me, even if it’s just a year. I don’t want to become a den mother, especially since I’ve always hung out with kids one or two years older than me. I feel like the maturity difference would be off-putting, and I don’t want to go through college as isolated as I was in high school–however, it seems like it would be very difficult to integrate myself in with kids who have already been at a college for a year or two, since they’ve already established their social life and I’d be just a newcomber.</p>

<p>Both choices feel like a gamble. If I go to college next year, I might be discriminated against, and not do well academically. If I take a gap year, it might not be nearly as successful as I had planned it to be.</p>

<p>So, does anyone have any wisdom to offer me, or any other things I should take into account? I have driven myself crazy running through every possibility, but have made little progress in deciding which option would be the best to take.</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

2

<p>My advice is to talk to a therapist since your concerns are very serious, and whatever you decide, you’ll need some support.</p>

<p>If you do take a gap year, have a structured one – such as one with fulltime employment or volunteer work. You also could take a couple of college classes on the side (Just check to make sure you don’t take so many that you’d have to enter college as a transfer. From what I’ve seen, most colleges allow you to take up to 4 college classes after high school before you’re considered a transfer).</p>

<p>Your idea of not liking students who are a year younger than you is rather narrow minded particularly since in college, you’ll be around students who are older as well as younger than you even if you enter college this fall. Some of the older students may be immature. Some of the younger students may be very mature. It will be up to you to pick whom you socialize with.</p>

3

<p>1) Ask all of the colleges/universities that have admitted you whether you can defer admission for a year. If you can, ask them how that affects your financial aid package.</p>

<p>2) Check with the medical insurance provider that is paying for your treatment. Will you be covered if you are not a student? Will you be covered as a part-time student, or only as a full-time student?</p>

<p>3) If you don’t like hanging out with younger people, take a good look at both community colleges and at public universities. These institutions tend to serve very large diverse populations, and to have sizable numbers of “non-traditional age” students - meaning people older than 17 or 18 in introductory level courses.</p>

<p>4) Do some quick research on gap year options. You will be able to find something that will keep your brain occupied that is affordable.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

4

<p>Thank you for your advice, Northstarmom. Would a psychiatrist fit the role of a therapist, since I’m currently seeing one?</p>

<p>I do have a job and a good history of volunteering, which I still do. Also, I’ve already taken a community college class while in high school. Do you think this would count towards that limit?</p>

<p>I realize that I shouldn’t group all younger students into one big immature group, since obviously everyone is different. I guess I have my own prejudices, since most of the ridicule I’ve faced has been at the hands of those younger than me. However, it was unfair of me to assume that age is always an indicator of maturity. I know that, even if I choose to enter college when I’m sixty, I’d find students who would be able to accept me. I just have some residual fear of the younger age groups, and at my high school in particular, I had very bad experiences with the grades younger than me, whereas I had very good experiences with my grade and the grades above it. I know that this will not extend to college, though.</p>

5

<p>Thanks happymomof1–however, I wonder if perhaps it would be better to reapply to these schools? I worry that they will not be pleased that I did not reveal that I was a transsexual on my initial application, and also I thought that, after a gap year I would stand a better chance of being admitted to these universities’ honor programs after I have some more experiences under my belt. Also, I’ll have my parents check in with our insurance providers.</p>

<p>I do have some big plans if I do choose to do a gap year, but I feel as if I could accomplish these things while at college, too, so it makes me wonder if I should just accept the risks and go straight off to college in the fall.</p>

6

<p>You could defer your admission at one school, and keep it as your safety for next year. I don’t think that you have to reveal that you are a transsexual on your application, so no school will hold withholding this info against you.</p>

7

<p>“however, it seems like it would be very difficult to integrate myself in with kids who have already been at a college for a year or two, since they’ve already established their social life and I’d be just a newcomber.”</p>

<p>Not true. Most college friendships evolve through clubs and organizations, and one’s interest in the organization and work to help the organization tends to be what helps one make friends, who may range from freshmen to seniors</p>

<p>Personally, I think it would be easier for you if you went to college after having finished your hormone treatments. That way, the other students would get to know the real you, not the you that’s in transition. The gap also would give you a chance to get to know better the real you, too. It’s hard enough making the transition to college without also simultaneously making a transition to a different gender.</p>

<p>Most colleges will allow incoming freshmen to take a gap year only after the student has committed to go to their college.</p>

<p>Before you select which college to attend, I suggest that you visit in person the colleges that you’ve been accepted to, let them know about your being a trans, and then see how they react. That will help you decide which college to attend.</p>

<p>You also may wish to list here the colleges that you’re considering. Some people may have inside info on them. For instance, I know a transgender (Female to male; hasn’t yet had hormone treatments) who seems to be happy at Florida’s New College.</p>

8

<p>Go to college in the fall. You’re stressing about things you can’t control and need to refocus on things within your control. You’ll find friends and do well academically because you have the ability to do so and because you want to. It sounds like uncertainties drive you crazy but life is full of uncertainty and you have to learn to cope with it. Attitude makes a big the difference and if you go to college intending to have a great experience you surely will.</p>

9

<p>You can always transfer; just know that by going to school in the fall, you aren’t committed to staying there all four years.</p>

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<p>I am absolutely no expert (or even very knowledgeable) in this area, but I would have two concerns. The first was already brought up – medical insurance. Most medical insurance policies require that students over the age of 18 must be full-time students to be covered under their parent’s insurance. This alone could make the decision for you.</p>

<p>My second concern would be about housing – where were you planning on living? The gender dorm you are now? There may be all kinds of rules about this – and you might be better off living off campus (not all college allow that).</p>

11

<p>I can’t list all the colleges I’m considering, because I have friends on CC who, if they happened to see this, would know in an instant that it was me. On my list, though, are NYU, UPitt, and cmu, among others.</p>

<p>I had considered transferring, but transfer rates of admission are typically much lower than freshman admissions, and I’d have to be at the top of my class to go transfer to many of the schools I’d be interested in, and honestly, I’m not sure if I can manage that kind of academic success.</p>

<p>I’ll have my parents check into the insurance issue.</p>

<p>As far as housing as concerned, I’d either room with someone of the gender to which I am transitioning, or try and secure a single. I would definitely disclose at that point that I am a transsexual to the school, so that I could learn about their policies and how they would handle my situation. I know that sometimes living off campus can be expensive, so that would be an issue.</p>

<p>Also, another concern with taking a gap year that I forgot to mention is that I would be relatively isolated. All my friends would already be in their first year in college, and I don’t have many other social networks–everyone at my job is at least 20 years older than I am, and the particular kind of professional relationship I’d have with other employees there, or with those at organizations for whom I’d volunteer, doesn’t do much to alleviate my loneliness. My family isn’t very supportive, and though they are willing to have me another year, there would be little interaction, and most of it would be unpleasant. I’m not sure I could take that kind of loneliness for an entire year, especially when it would already be a difficult year, what with taking hormones and potentially having surgery. I am concerned about the effects this would have on my emotional well-being, but that is also a concern if I choose to go to college in the fall.</p>

12

<p>My initial reaction is that you should go to college in the fall at the college that seems like the best fit and is affordable enough and give it a try. Is there one where you have been accepted that seems okay? </p>

<p>Some public universities with rolling admission are still accepting applications. If you haven’t already been accepted somewhere that seems plausible, apply to one if these. If you were in Ohio, I’d tell you to look into the possiblity of Cleveland State or Youngstown State even now. A friend of ours found CSU to be GLBT friendly. A different friend is in the honors program and got a nice full tuition merit scholarship at CSU.</p>

<p>If you stay at home and take community college classes, you’d enter college as a transfer student. I think you want to go in as a freshman.</p>

<p>If the first college doesn’t work out, you can transfer. It might be fine.</p>

<p>Include housing in choosing a place where you fit. A college like Cleveland State doesn’t require freshmen to live on campus. I don’t think it is a good idea to plan to live on campus in a dorm. Freshmen generally can’t get single rooms and a roommate and the bathroom situation will only add to your stress, I think.</p>

<p>But that is just my initial reaction. </p>

<p>If you could find an affordable gap year possibility and insurance would work out, that might be a good plan, too.</p>

13

<p>Your psychiatrist counts as a therapist. Especially since you are seeing someone for the issues that will affect your college life that person should be able to answer your questions and give you good advice. Large schools, especially those on your likely tolerant/accepting list, will not be like a HS with everyone in a class according to grade/age. Do not worry about being with younger people, colleges are full of students of all ages/stages in the entry level courses. You will be making new friends at college so don’t worry about old HS friends, especially since the school you choose will have those with your interests. Your best source is someone who knows you and your situation personally- use your psychiatrist as your sounding board; they will also have knowledge of how others in your situation best handled the college/changes decisions.</p>

14

<p>Wow, just last night I was reading a book published in 2007 by Mark J. Penn with E. Kinney Zalesne titled ‘Microtrends: The Small Forces Behind Tomorrow’s Big Changes.’ One of the chapters is called “Unisexuals” which discusses, in part, transgender identity and college campuses. Would never of guessed when I was reading last night that I would be responding to this topic on CC today.</p>

<p>The authors of the book state 74 colleges and universities (at the time of publication, I assume) specifically ban discrimination on the basis of gender identity and expression, which is beyond the more typically stated ban on the basis of gender and sexual orientation. And apparently, 14 schools use forms where the student’s choices are “male”, “female”, or “self-identity”. Not sure what it would mean to the OP to be attending (or not attending) one of these schools where transgender seems to be acknowledged at a higher level.</p>

<p>The OP may already be aware of these resources, but if not, the authors of this book noted the Gender Public Advocacy Coalition which published “ 2006 GENIUS Index: Gender Equality National Index for Universities and Schools” as a source they used for college and university policies. I also saw a reference to a 2003 Boston Globe article titled “Finding a Gender Blind Dorm.” (Sorry, I don’t have a direct links.)</p>

15

<p>Trans can be a problem in dorms not just because of roommates but because of bathrooms. So getting a single does not necessarily solve the problem.</p>

<p>In his freshman year, my son lived in a co-ed dorm that had both double and single rooms. But there were no gender-neutral bathrooms. On a different campus, my daughter now lives in an all-women’s freshman dorm that also has both doubles and singles. This dorm does have a gender-neutral bathroom (although I don’t think this was done for reasons related to trans students – I think it was mostly to accommodate male guests while at the same time not making a much-needed bathroom off-limits to residents).</p>

<p>I would suggest contacting the colleges you applied to and telling them that you are transitioning, but not necessarily writing to the admissions office first. Try the LGBT organization. They may be able to tell you what other people in your situation have done about housing and bathroom issues.</p>

16

<p>Thanks for your advice, everyone! Right now I think I’ll plan on attending college in the fall, and in the next few days I’ll attempt to contact the schools and in some way notify them that I am transitioning.</p>

<p>And I’ll see if my library has that book, Greta!</p>

<p>Thanks again!</p>

17

<p>Yes, I second that the most important aspect that will make or break your decision is whether or not your parents’ insurance will cover you if you’re not a full-time student. My bet is it won’t, because the vast majority do not. The rest of the pros and cons don’t even matter if it doesn’t.</p>

18

<p>If your parents insurance won’t cover you, they still may be able to get insurance for you at a relatively low cost due to your young age and presumed good health. We paid a year for insurance for our old son after he dropped out of college. It cost about $1,000. If you’re working fulltime, you also could pay for the insurance if your job doesn’t provide it.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom - That’s not going to work for him. Germoon isn’t going to be able to get cheap insurance with a pre-existing on-going treatment that’s fairly expensive, if at all. I believe most medical insurance companies won’t let people with pre-existing conditions or diagnoses purchase their plans.</p>

<p>Like the people before me and myself have said, do NOT let your insurance expire under any circumstances or this will end up being very expensive.</p>

20

<p>Germoon, I came across this thread and just wanted to wish you the best of luck. This happens to be a subject I know something about (for reasons I won’t go into here and now). I’ve met several trans people who are college-aged or a little older, and I think you’re very brave. </p>

<p>I think almost any major university or liberal arts college (at least in the Northeast and Midwest, areas I’m reasonably familiar with) that isn’t strongly affiliated with certain religious denominations, will have one or more active LGBT groups on campus, and is likely to have an administration that will be accepting of you, and willing to work with you in terms of finding appropriate housing, even if they don’t have gender neutral dorm options. </p>

<p>Please be aware, though, that from everything I’ve heard on the subject, you are likely on any given campus to be one of only a tiny handful of “out” trans students, and may well be unique. The only exceptions are a few schools like Smith and other “Seven Sisters”-type colleges (although I think there are only 5 sisters left at this point!) that have a visible presence of trans and/or gender variant students. However, on the assumption that your birth gender and present legal identity are male, you wouldn’t be eligible to go to a women’s college. And anyplace you do go, the overwhelming majority of “out” trans college students seem to be FTM’s (i.e., people born female who present or identify as males) rather than MTF’s. For example, it’s my understanding that as of two years ago or so, the undergraduate student body at Yale – which is sometimes known as the “gayest” Ivy, with the semi-facetious saying "one in four, maybe more – had exactly two “out” self-identifying transgendered students, both of them FTM. </p>

<p>I believe there are a number of possible cultural/sociological explanations for this (including the fact that even in 2008, people born and raised female have far greater “freedom” to explore gender variance than people born male), but whatever the reason, you should be aware that you’re likely to be pretty much sui generis wherever you end up. So I do hope that you can find support not only from a therapist, but from other people who are going through what you’re going through, which can’t ever be an easy process. Which may make going to school in a city that has an active trans community something to consider, so you’re able to find resources (and peers) in that city that you may not be able to find on campus.</p>

<p>Again, best of luck to you.</p>

<p>Donna</p>