Do you have any expectations with regard to when/how often your adult kids visit you?
We have two adult kids who live locally. Hubby and I don’t have expectations or make demands, but it seems that one of my daughters’ boyfriend’s parents very much do and I was curious if my husband and I are unusual in this area.
Our expectation is that if we invite them somewhere they will respond. We love to see them, and to that end, if I cook something that they particularly like, I let them know. Sometimes they pop over to eat, sometimes they pop over with Tupperware, and sometimes they wish they could. All fine with us.
Even now, well into middle-age, for some events my mom will let me know her expectations - “You should really plan on going to your cousins wedding next year” or “Your aunt is visiting this weekend. We’ll plan on seeing you for lunch.” And I have to admit, I occasionally do the same to my son, I’ve already told him he should plan on taking time off work for the family vacation my parents are trying to plan for next summer.
But I’ve never thought about dictating a schedule or frequency and I’m pretty sure if I did, it would have the opposite effect and I’d be seeing my son a lot less.
All of my kids live in Brooklyn, NY and we are in a close suburb…pretty much every Sunday we issue an open, “We’re free and willing to come to the city - anyone interested in dinner?” invitation. Generally, some combination of kids and/or significant others are up for dinner on us, so it can be anywhere from 3 of us to 8 of us. We’ve found that this easy, casual invitation means no one feels obligated but all are willing at some point or another. It also gives them a chance to see each other. Now, all their significant others’ families (including one in-law) live locally, as well, so it’s first come first served! As far as I know, no other family has requested or insisted on a set schedule.
My inlaws for famous for ‘shoulding’ us. They were full of advice about what we ‘should’ do. So naturally, we decided that we would NOT do this to our kids. Most of our kids live near by (and 3 of the 4 are married - the marrieds all live nearby).
So my husband told our kids this - we will invite you to things. We’d love to see you. We expect a reply but you are always free to say that you are not able to come - (and this is the important part) and you NEVER have to give a reason for why you can’t come. We didn’t want them to feel the need to justify their decisions to us.
^^^^^^^ When I was first married at 27, my mother informed me that my husband and I should visit his parents for Christmas as they were “older”. The fact that both of our sets of parents were a plane ride away in different directions, we had jobs with limited vacation time and we were involved in our local church community with commitments for Christmas services seemed to have no bearing. We made our own plans for that year and subsequent years. As the kids arrived, she would tell us how to spend vacation time. Going to the beach? You must visit your sister - she didn’t bother to notice that sis’s location was a 3 hour one way drive. She recently celebrated her 90th - still issuing demands that we attend her party - this was not one we would have let go by without celebrating, but we got our marching orders in any case.
I will not subject my children to this. They have lives and priorities which may not include extended family at any given moment. So far, we’ve had delightful visits we’ve planned together and shared the travel burdens even though one kid lives abroad.
Neither set of parents had demands. His were local, mine a few hours away. DH used to stop in at his parents’ house unannounced and just walk in, which I thought was inconsiderate but no one ever told him to stop.
I wish my kids were local! We do ask to talk to them once a week - for 15 minutes or so. Older son who lives on the opposite coast takes off a week at Thanksgiving and a week at Christmas. We wish those two holidays were further apart! For the last few years DH has had business that takes him to CA in June, so we usually see our son for a day then - he’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t need more than that.
Younger son is finally off on his own. He’s in the Navy. He’ll be in VA till Thanksgiving. No idea where he’ll be posted next, but the expectation is that he’ll have a few days with us before he has to be somewhere. He has a lot of friends in the area, and a girl friend in NYC so I expect for the moment he’ll stay with us when he can.
I’d love it if they were around. I think the idea of treating kids to dinner (in the city or with us), but with no pressure like runnersmom, once a week or so sounds lovely.
I have been known to tell my far away son he needs to come to cousin’s wedding, but he doesn’t need to come to his aunt’s mother’s memorial service.
We used to alternate Christmas and New Year’s with my family and my in-laws. At some point we started having them come to us instead and the schedule became a little less rigid. I refuse to do Christmas with my brother, they have some really annoying rituals that involve not opening presents, so there were some years we went up right afterwards instead.
I am loose in terms of expectations to visit. I do want to talk to them both once a week, however. H is a “should” guy and will tell the kids to come home. I remind him to amend it to “if you aren’t busy.” They are still in school, but old enough to have their own lives and obligations. My folks are also loose and ILs are full of “shoulds.”
I like the example posters above have set of saying “hey, if you are free, let’s go out. Let me know.”
We let them know when we’re throwing something on the grill and they can come partake or not, as they wish. Occasionally I’ll issue an actual invitation, but really we see them plenty, if informally.
I’m about to start a new job. (I didn’t want to, but it was necessary.) I will have no paid time off to begin with, and it will take me a long time to accumulate enough time off so that I could visit either of my kids, who live in other parts of the country.
I hope they don’t have expectations about visiting that I can’t meet.
(By the way, for me, this is the worst thing about changing jobs. I feel that I will never see my kids again, and I may be right.)
One of our kids lives 2500 miles away…and the other 1200 miles away. The only thing we ask is that they both be here at the same time sometime during the week between Christmas and New Years…and that has never been an issue. Last year we celebrated Christmas on December 27. It was fun…and fine!
Our kids know they are welcome here any time…and they both have told us to visit them…any time!
From reading stories posted here over the years, I decided when my kids were still in school that I would never pressure them to come visit us at holidays, etc. I would rather see them when they WANT to see us than feel they are coming out of a sense of obligation, and I told them that then – and have tried to sustain that approach. Also, I told them that as long as I see them several times a year, it does not HAVE to be on a holiday. Just want them in my life, whenever it works for all.
So far (daughter married four years, son married one year) it seems to be working fine. Daughter is particularly eager for H and I to develop strong grandparent relationships with our two-year-old grandson. They visit us (our locations are a five hour drive away.) a couple of times a year and we do the same, and also get together at least once a year for a weekend in a spot in between our two locations. We let them take the initiative, as they are very busy with two careers and we are now retired. But I do find that the three-day recommendation works well for visiting.
Son’s wife’s parents live near us. (Our kids were high school sweethearts.) We all get along, thank goodness. This younger couple also lives a five-hour drive from us (but in another direction than D). We sometimes get both families together with “the kids” when the young couple comes to town, and/or they split their time. (On occasion both sets of parents get together without the kids!) So far all has been cooperative and gone well. I tell H that if, perhaps, the young couple sees wife’s parents somewhat more than they see us, it is a good thing that son married someone who loves and respects her parents. Plus his wife is an only child and we have our married daughter in another city, so sometimes we have to give her priority and we flat out tell son “You may want to plan Thanksgiving with your wife’s family this year.”
We have no drop-ins due to the distances involved. I do envy friends whose kids and their families are geographically close to each other – especially nice when grand-kids are part of the mix.
S1 and DIL live 3000 miles away. We visit them once a year (that’ll change with the birth of our grandchild) and they come here once a year. We may see them at other times if there’s a family wedding or there’s a conference near us. They know that they’re welcome at any time, and have told us the same, although I feel like we’ve overstayed if we spend a week at their house (they say we haven’t). We do find things to do on our own so they have a break from playing host.
S2 lives about 450 miles away. I expect him to be home for Thanksgiving, and sometime between Christmas & New Year’s (his office closes for the week). I strongly encourage him to come home for Passover if it doesn’t interfere with his schedule (he just started grad school and still works full-time). We also arrange and pay for his plane fare for those trips, because, honestly, we’re not so sure he’d come home if it was all left up to him. When we visit him, we stay at a hotel, spend most meals with him, and invite him to do whatever we have planned to do - whether he chooses to join us is up to him, no pressure from us.
S1 lives nearby, so we see him every so often, and if he’s here when I’m making a meal he’ll either say he doesn’t need to stay, or I’ll tell him what we’re having and he decides. I’ll admit that sometimes the dropping in can be inconvenient, but he won’t be doing it forever, I remind myself. One or the oher of us will invite him to various things, and he’s free to decline. S2 lives 300 miles away, near the GF’s parent (she’s down to one) and we try to be respectful of their schedules, etc. Everyone is travelling to my parents for Christmas , which is held on a mutually agreed upon day that isn’t the 25th. My mother has been trying for years to wave us all off, but her 9 grandchildren and 4 great grands will not have it.
My inlaws never visit us, literally, and I learned to stop asking. We often will try to arrange seeing them at their place (4hr drive) only to be told they have other plans, or someplace to be, or they “aren’t sure”.
I think it’s important as a family grows and evolves that you keep making memories and keep doing things together – but when everyone is an adult, that means lots of collaboration and compromise. And honesty!
Neither of my 2 D’s live close. Both are over 3 1/2 driving hours away. Not an easy day trip to see each other often. We visit when we can. Not enough for me., But I respect their schedules. We tend to see each other maybe 4-6 times a year at most. I miss them tremendously.
My S, on the other hand, lives at home. I see him every day. I love him and enjoy, for the most part, his company. But I wish he would move out. Locally or not. I wish he could start his adult life. Sigh.
You are not the only one whose inlaws don’t visit. For the first 20 years we were married, I invited my inlaws to every holiday, kid birthday party, concerts, etc. They never came. They would use our hose as a pit stop when driving birth to south or south to north…but never came when we invited them. So…we just stopped inviting them.
For while…it made me sad…because the expectation was that we would go to the Inlaws. Really…it was way easier for them to travel…than it was for us to travel with two kids. But we did…for a while. And we always went for the annual whole family summer gathering.
I swore I would not do that to my kids. I can tell you…if either invites us to visit…we will make it our business tomget there!
) to pop over often.