With kids in high school I’ve learned there are two schools of parents - those that “teach” their kids about alcohol by letting them drink at home, sometimes even to the point of drunkenness - and parents who don’t let their kids drink at home at all. Then there are the parents who let other kids come to their house and drink, with full knowledge of the drinking - but who feel like it is the right thing to do for one reason or another. I don’t let my high school kids drink at home. I learned this week that a family friend bought my underage teens a bottle a vodka, b/c they asked her to and she believes kids should have some experience with drinking before going off to college. Apparently the bottle was headed to a house where the parents allow their kids and others kids to drink as long as the kids leave their car keys with the parents. (I discovered the bottle before it was opened and made the trip.) Weigh in. Discuss.
Immediate reaction: it’s not up to some other parent to determine what kind of “experience” my kid should or should not have before heading off to college. Especially when that “experience” involves illegal activity. I would be livid.
In some areas, underage drinking under parental supervision is legal.
However, parents who supervise their own kids’ underage drinking should not include other kids, especially without explicit permission from the other kids’ parents.
I am eighteen years old, but I’ll add what I can to this thread.
- My parents gave me small, incrementally larger amounts of alcohol at family dinners until I was seventeen, when they lifted any alcohol restrictions. I drank moderately (without them knowing) over a few-month period around four years ago (summer, fourteen years old). Over the past four years, I've (in memory) had one glass of wine, one of champagne, and do not ever drink at parties/underage social events.
- I've lived in a few places throughout the U.S., and each have had significant numbers of 13-18 year olds binge drinking at older friend's apartments, parties while parents are away, old barns, etc.
- Countries with lower restrictions on alcohol for minors (many in Europe) have lower rates of alcoholism. To my knowledge, this is because a restriction of a highly-advertised substance generally leads to a higher, less educated usage.
Opinion: It it not only illegal but immoral for an adult to give alcohol to your child without your express consent. It is illegal, but not immoral for an adult to give alcohol to your child with your express consent. I believe that lower levels of alcohol exposure to minors, especially alongside education about the dangers of alcoholism and intoxicated driving, is beneficial in fostering a familiarity to alcohol that will lead to more responsible usage.
Well said julianstanley. My view is that a young person who learns to have fun, and to cope, without alcohol, will be less likely to need alcohol to have fun or cope as he/she gets older. So the longer a teenager waits to experiment, or is limited in their experience, the better. I also don’t think it is necessary to teach by handing the teenager the experience… we certainly don’t do that with sex or with drugs! I am especially against any parent “supervising” other kids underage drinking, or buying alcohol for the underage teenager, without express consent of the other parents.
The family friend who bought the liquor, was she actually a parent of one of your kid’s peers? That seems highly unlikely, that seems like a poorly judged action from a non parent. Size of bottle of vodka? How many was it shared by? What did they mix it with?
I think that this has nothing to do with parents who allow their kids to savour a little cab sav or some xmas bubbly and the story is missing real context. Vodka for kids is mixed with whatever as a cheap binge tipple. They are not sipping a nice martini.
Frankly, I would be so incensed at another adult thinking they had the right to “parent” my kid I would talk to a lawyer about if it was possible to sue them, just to scare the hell out of them. And I am anything but litigious. However, that is just completely outrageous.
On the more general question, I would never “buy” my kids alcohol, but I would have let them try wine at home in their senior year of high school if they had wanted (they didn’t). I think one has to acknowledge the reality of drinking in college and deal with it as one sees fit, which for me was to give them the option of at least learning to drink in small amounts and responsibly.
One other issue is the parent who buys alcohol and the parent who allows it to be consumed by minors both have tremendous legal liability if any harm comes to the people under 21–Stubenville, alcohol poisoning, or anything else. Would not trust my kids around that family, especially such parent(s).
I expect my kids to obey the law. I do not offer them alcohol at home until they are over 21. We rarely drink anyway–There are alcoholics on both sides of our family. My kids know this…I want them to be wary of alcohol. I want them to think of it as a drug that could be addictive. I think that the longer kids go without drinking alcohol, the better for their brains/the less likely they are to develop a habit of drinking/become addicted. I just don’t understand the “teach them how to drink at home” philosophy. My parents allowed us (sibs and me) to drink when we were teenagers, but certainly wouldn’t let other folks’ kids drink in their home. Drinking age was 18 then. My parents come from a culture where drinking alcohol was common. . .they let us drink beer/wine as young children. Not a good idea, imo.
- BTW, not true about rates of alcoholism. Many European countries have higher rates of alcoholism and much higher rates of alcohol consumption than US. U.S. is, according to a CBS news report, only the "56th drunkest country in the world." http://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/25-drunkest-countries-in-the-world/27/
@Alfonsia - let me clarify the facts: My 18 yr old High School Senior told her 20 year old college attending sister that she wanted a bottle of vodka as a holiday gift b/c her friend’s parents let them drink in the basement as long as they gave up the car keys before drinking. My 20 year old told my 52 year old family friend (no kids of her own) that she really wanted to get her sister this “gift.” The 52 year old female then bought my kids a 750 ML bottle of Pinnacle Whipped Cream flavored vodka bottle from France. I found the bottle - unopened - while cleaning, so nobody got any. I agree that the wine at the Holidays or occasional mixed drink on a special occasion by the the parent is okay. But what happened here is not okay. What really gets me too - is that this was a truly teachable moment… that apparently was not taught by any - just the opposite.
I always wonder who buys those weird flavors of Pinnacle vodka… now I know.
The idea that this was from a non parent is very predictable. She needs a good head slapping. and who buys French Vodka LOL? (sorry). Your 20 yr old, your 18 yr old and this 52 yr old all know better, orchestrate a nice embarrassing meeting.
This doesn’t have very much to do with parents who condone teen drinking in their home though, that is really not part of your issue here.
@Alfonsia - agreed for the most part - except that the bottle was headed to the basement of the parents who condone/supervise underage drinking… still don’t know who they are yet, and who knows, maybe that is part of the ruse… But if that is the root of it, well then…On the embarrassing meeting - definitely… started with my girls tonight… am on to my “friend” this upcoming week. I honestly don’t get angry very often at all… but when I do, it is embarrassing for everybody…
We’ve allowed our kids to have wine at dinner since age 16, because that’s a normal beverage accompaniment to dinner. But we do not offer it to them when their friends are dining w us, bcs I don’t know their parents’ policy. Last time I flew int’l with the kids, S1 was offered champagne & wine in business class. I was fine w it, bcs S1 treated it in a civilized manner, and besides, it was a good vintage.
This winter, we’ll be skiing in a country where the drinking age is 18. If S1 wants to go to a pub w 18 year old American friends, it’s OK w me.
Smoking I find vile & unacceptable, period.
We also let our teenagers have a glass of wine or 2 with us on the week-ends or with dinner. D enjoys it but S really just does not care for the taste so usually does not partake. This is our way of taking the mystique out of alcohol and teaching them to drink responsibly. It also allows them to experience firsthand what alcohol does to you. D notices that once she has had 2 glasses of wine she becomes very chatty - she doesn’t like that so we agree that 2 should be her limit.
I would definitely be infuriated if another adult purchased alcohol for my children. That is just one of the most irresponsible things anyone could ever do. My teenagers are only permitted to drink with H and myself when we are in our own home and have no intentions of going out. We most certainly would never offer alcohol to any other minor.
We have more alcohol in my house than you can shake a stick at, but I think we can put aside the civilized drinking meme, 750 mls of girly flavored 70 proof vodka is the making of alcohol poisoning in the wrong hands. I am no fan of the US drinking age but this isn’t the real issue here. I still think the basement owning parents have no part in this discussion.
We don’t have a basement, literally or figuratively.
This is NOT true, although some people have latched on to it time and again to argue, incorrectly, that a higher drinking age doesn’t work. Many countries in Europe, particularly in Eastern Europe, but including the UK and others as well, have higher rates of alcoholism and “drunkenness” than the United States. These are countries that have drinking ages of anywhere from 15 to 20.
On a personal note, the times that I have traveled to Europe in recent years I have seen many teenagers, often well-to-do looking ones, staggering around city centers, drunk by lunchtime. Fortunately, fewer of them have drivers’ licenses than teenagers in the United States. Also, my European friends have expressed alarm at the problem that alcohol has become for teenagers in their countries. Many people in Europe are now advocating for drinking ages to be raised.
Studies in this country have shown that the earlier a young person starts drinking, the more likely that he/she will become alcohol dependent. Studies have also shown that raising the drinking age to 21 has lowered the incidence of drunk driving crashes.
I wish mini were posting on this thread. He/she has done extensive research on alcohol abuse and has been a great resource on CC.
It would make me very, very suspicious of the 52 year old. Specifically, what do they want from these younger people. Are they grooming them for sexual involvement, some sort of criminal activity, are they emotionally needy/messed up. It’s just way out of bounds to circumvent a parent like that.
This is a little off-topic, but what–if anything–do you tell your kids about buying cigarettes or alcohol for younger friends when they are legal and their friends aren’t.
How would you advise your 18-year-old who’s asked to buy cigarettes for younger classmates or your 21-year-old who’s asked to buy alcohol?