<ol>
<li><p>Assume there may be much more that you do not know and start giving random advice about foul language, drugs, sex, cigarettes, internet porn, binge drinking etc. </p></li>
<li><p>Assume your son is sexually active and start talking about STDs, pregnancy, love vs sex and date rape–PDQ.</p></li>
<li><p>Stop reading his mail. Don’t publish his mail on CC again.</p></li>
<li><p>Find a friend who has older children who are successful and healthy. Confess your fears to her. Get advice. </p></li>
<li><p>Assume that you CAN help your teen navigate a healthy alternative through the challenges–because you CAN. You are his parent and his primary teacher. Now is the time to pull out as much (subtle) teaching as he can stand.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Whoa FOLTS…the OP did not publish her sons mail on CC. She paraphased something to give others the general tone and legitimately look for advice.</p>
<p>Hi… OP here. Thank you for all the sound advice….it is nice that everyone agrees….so I guess the sensible thing to do is to ignore the horrible messages. No, we did not have any agreement, and I did read his messages without his knowledge. It makes me so sad, though, that he could write something so awful. He has never been disrespectful when talking to me …or anyone else (as far as I know). We always treat each other with respect, and we do not tolerate foul language in our house.
We have had many “sex education” talks with him . We will have to strongly reinforce the risks/responsibilities involve in engaging in sexual activity this time. I did find the empty condom wrapper while doing the laundry.<br>
I guess my reaction to this has been compounded by the fact that my oldest just left for college (thus the reason I belong to CC) , and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Again thanks for listening and for all the advice.</p>
<p>Would shocked’s son be happy to know that she wrote his story on a site read by thousands of college students? If not, then she ought to consider his privacy. Too many posters accidentally reveal enough for their children to be identified. I wrote my advice in kindness and protectiveness.</p>
<p>Don’t be sad, shocked. Testosterone, not civility, is coursing through his veins right now. Keep teaching, keep talking as though he may be listening. It sounds as though you put your heart and soul into raising him as a decent young man and that’s exactly what will happen. Put shock aside. Teach him how to be safe and you’ll see wonderful results… in about five or six years.</p>
<p>“I’m pretty sure anybody who called me a b**** and a wh*** for not letting them borrow my car, would not ever borrow my car. I am quite, quite sure my husband would never talk like that,and I can’t imaging a friend talking like that.”</p>
<p>When I was a teenager, I went to my father’s office and worked with him there for the first time. I was absolutely shocked at his language. He had never used such words in our home, and I was taught never to talk that way. My point is just that people behave in different ways in different situations. Eavesdropping on anybody, whether it is a parent, child, or spouse, may get you a surprising earfull.</p>
<p>shockedmom, I know exactly how you felt when you read your son’s message. Although I didn’t usually snoop on my D, I did see a similar kind of venting where she wrote words about me that to others would sound like fairly typical teen-age rants, but which cut me to my core. I was so shocked and hurt. My D & I have a close, loving relationship, so it seemed to come out of left field. In retrospect, I realize she was talking teenager “code”, and that it didn’t really reflect on our relationship. Remember, it’s not the same as a friend, so try not to see it as a betrayal. </p>
<p>The main lesson I learned from it was to never snoop again. (Not exactly easy because she has a stack of journals from the time she could write!) There are some things that mothers should not see or know, and this is exactly that sort of thing – it’s meaningless to everyone but us, and for us it can’t help but be a huge blow. Teenagers need to blow off steam and sometimes use rough words without consequence, and who else is safer than Mom who will love you no matter whtat?<br>
(I realize I could make this choice because my D does not indulge in risky behaviors and is fairly conservative socially. I could imagine situations where it might be necessary to do a little “investigating”.)</p>
<p>I feel your pain, shockedmom. Son said some things last night to me that really had me re-thinking my relationship. Not bad words, as your son did, but just as hurtful. </p>
<p>I agree with you–while their behavior may be typical (my son is 17) it is still hurtful. Hope you are able to not worry too much–I know even the nicest kids use lots of profanities while IMing, texting, talking.</p>