<p>I am in a state of disbelief.Within the last days I found 2 things regarding my 16 yr old S, that have me is a state of shock:
I saw messages he sent friends when he was angry for not allowing him to use our car. The messages refer to me in an extremely vulgar and disrespectful way.He wrote " my mom is a “B…”. and “my mom is a selfish wh…”.
We do not EVER use that language in our home and he has never seen that sort of treatment in our family…
Needless to say I am hurt beyond belief, and in absolute shock.
the second thing is that a found a condom wrapper in his pocket…he is only 16!! I think this is less of a big issue… since all teens will go through this at some point…but i am concerned about his safety
This is extremely stressful and painful for me. I have not told him anything yet…and I have not told my husband. We have been on a trip and I did not want to deal with this not being at home
He does not know I “spy” on his messages
The collective wisdom of CC parents will be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>Hmmm, I did that once, not quite as colorful though. My Mom started crying in front of me. She made a speech about how her only goal was to make me succeed. It made me feel pretty horrible. I shaped up after that point.</p>
<p>I don’t know if this works on other people.</p>
<p>Regarding the messages…I would be hurt, but I would ignore it. It might be vulgar and disrespectful but 16 yo’s lash out sometimes, especially to peers. You would also need to explain how you came to know about the messages. You might casually bring up a discussion about the lack of privacy on the internet though. It seems I read an article every week regarding schools, colleges, employers, etc. reading facebook accounts. This he should know. Consider yourself lucky he doesn’t say those things to you directly.</p>
<p>The condom must be acknowledged though I think. I assume you found it while doing laundry or something. It’s time for you and his father to have a discussion about sex with the young man. I’m not talking about the basics but a discussion of values, consequences, the girl’s feelings, etc. Consider that he might not have had sex, but had the condom as part of a joke or curiousity.</p>
<p>You weren’t supposed to see that message (why were you snooping?), so you really don’t have the right to be shocked and hurt. I’m sure he was adopting the language his peers use when complaining about their parents–blowing off steam in a harmless way. It was a temper fit, not an expression of how he really feels about you. I say forget about it, and start respecting his privacy. The other matter, however, deserves attention.</p>
<p>The message was definitely a hurtful message, however, us teens don’t exactly know how to communicate our anger properly. Some of us tend to get “hot headed” and vulgarity spills out of our mouths. It happens, but I don’t think he REALLY meant it.</p>
<p>In relation to the condom, I agree with rrah that you should talk to him about sex. Granted, it will probably be awkward for both parties, but it should happen. But honestly, shouldn’t you feel RELIEVED that if he were going to have sex he knows that he should get a condom to keep both him whomever he’s doing it with safe? I know no parent wants their kids to have sex during high school, but it happens… a LOT. Carrying a condom, even if he isn’t sexually active, is a smart decision on his part.</p>
<p>As a mom, I agree with Lilygraces. Remember that teens tend to dramatize; they also use more vulgar language away from their parents than we are comfortable hearing (even when it’s not about ourselves).</p>
<p>I am relieved that he is carrying a condom. It shows some sense of responsibility. But I would also want to have a talk with a teen who is sexually active or about to be. There are more issues than the purely physical consequences of sex.</p>
<p>shockedmom, I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’ve noticed that teens often say truly horrendous things when they’re angry. And, of course, our culture is steeped in vulgar language. I’m certain your son doesn’t really feel this way about you. It’s a measure of his immaturity that he used such hurtful language.</p>
<p>Since you saw his messages in some way he isn’t aware of, you’re in a difficult position. Did you have an agreement with him that you wouldn’t check his text messages/Facebook, etc.? If so, I guess you need to figure out whether confronting him is worth the anger and betrayed sense of privacy he may feel. And it might well be worth it - that’s for you to decide. If you did not have such an agreement, I would certainly discuss the language with him - in fact, I’d print out the messages and put’ em on his bedroom door or the fridge, and wait for him to say something to me about it. </p>
<p>I’d probably be shocked about the condom wrapper, too, initially - but then relieved. Did you find it when you were doing his laundry? I’d certainly say something to him like - “I found this in the laundry. I’m glad you’re using condoms - do you know they sometimes fail? Do you have a plan B?” If you’ve had several sex talks with him in the past, you can briefly reiterate. Even if he doesn’t like it, he’s your dependent and it’s important for him to hear. There are many issues for guys to be concerned about, including disease, pregnancy, and the age of the partner.</p>
<p>His message is just the teenage version of the toddler’s foot stomp and yelled, “I hate you!” No more, no less. Would you have felt better if the language were more “respectable” but the anger the same? It’s teenage shorthand; remember, the “disrespectful” words are a lot easier to text than the longer explanations, and kids e-mail the way they text.</p>
<p>Teen boys need outlets for their frustrations (of which there are many) and I’d say your son has chosen a most benign one. As Chedva said it’s the equivalent of a toddler’s pout, and nothing to worry about IMHO. He did it privately, and the rant appears to be all the “acting out” he needs. The condom thing is something different of course. Again I think it’s a positive sign that he’s trying to act responsibly. But you might consider that he’s carrying it simply to fit in with his social group. In either case, “the talk” is warranted.</p>
<p>Agree the talk is warranted but how about from the Dad? Everyone tells the OP to have the talk. Seems to me that sometimes boys are a bit more comfortable talking about sex with their Dads…not Mom. Just my two cents.</p>
<p>Agree with above posters. The hurtful things are most likely your S blowing off steam. When my kids were young, the pediatrician told me 2 year olds & teenagers are very much alike - and I have found that to be true! The words were not left for you to see, so he wasn’t trying to hurt you. He was being a 16 year old boy. They are often idiots when they get together (I have one myself).</p>
<p>The condom should definitely be your cue to talk with him about sex - as others suggested, the emotions/respect/etc. part of it. Definitely stress to him that pregnancy can happen anytime one engages in sex, no matter how carefully the couple tries to prevent it. He needs to understand that & everything that that implies.</p>
<p>There’s really a rare degree of agreement in this thread!</p>
<p>Only adding nuances: Personally, I would not admit to reading my child’s mail. I did it, too, sometimes, and learned things I wouldn’t have learned otherwise, and was very, very careful never to know those things officially. It clued me in to what I should be concerned about (as well as what I DIDN’T have to worry about), and what needed to be addressed in my child’s life. That was very valuable – far to valuable to compromise by any kind of confrontation over a single bit of information, no matter how shocking, much less some language of the sort 16-year-old boys use daily among themselves.</p>
<p>Ditto with the condom. Yes, adults should talk to a 16-year-old about sex, but not because they found a condom in his pocket. That’s common enough as to mean absolutely nothing.</p>
<p>How’d you see what your S wrote? If you saw it because you were snooping and don’t have an agreement that parents have the power to see anything on kids’ computers, websites, etc., then I don’t think you should mention it.</p>
<p>If you saw it because, for instance, he left it open on a computer that everyone uses, you should mention it. What he wrote was horrendously disrespectful, and it would be appropriate to discuss this with him. </p>
<p>As for the condom: Definitely talk about this including your values about premarital sex. Make sure he has full info on contraception, STDs, etc. and on what you’d expect of him if a pregnancy occurs. He needs to know that legally, he would have no say in whether or not an abortion occurs. However, if the mother decides to keep his child, he would be expected to financially support that child.</p>
<p>My sons knew from a very early age that if they got someone pregnant who kept their child, I’d expect them to get a job to help support their child, and to also be an involved parent. If this occurred while they were in h.s., this would impact their college plans because H and I wouldn’t pay for them to go away to college if they had a baby in our town. We’d expect them to live in our (college) town so they could be involved fathers.</p>
<p>I agree that the message was probably harmless. If he isn’t expressing this attitude directly towards you, he was probably just angry and needed to vent. Don’t worry too much (although if he starts acting with this attitude, then you should probably talk to him about it).</p>
<p>As for the condom, I agree that it needs to be talked about. But be VERY relieved that he’s thinking about protection. Also remember that condoms (even empty wrappers) do not equal sexual activity. A bunch of boys at my HS blew them up like balloons for a prank once.</p>
<p>I think ages 15-16 are the most irrational of all. </p>
<p>My D acted similarly at age 16: I could hear her freaking out to her friends on the phone behind her closed bedroom door, “OMG my mom is SO MEAN, I can’t stand her, I can’t believe it, etc.” I was hurt and perplexed, because as far as I knew, I hadn’t said or done anything different than I’d been saying/doing for the past 16 years. She grew out of it, fortunately.</p>
<p>Be strong, shockedmom. He is just starting his most rebellious years, and this is the tip of the transition. I think 16 year old boys see their moms as a symbol of the childhood they are so desperately trying to leave behind. You’ll have to find the middle ground where you give him some respect while still being his parent. It can get a little rough, but they do readjust within a couple of years.<br>
I agree with the posters that say that Dad should talk to the son about sex, but I think moms have an important viewpoint, also. They need to fill in the teen boy’s awareness of what to expect from a girl in a relationship, and how sex affects the girl who he cares about. Keep it at an level of open, free exchange. You want him to be able to come back to you with issues; having “the talk” as though it closes the subject, or laying down strict rules is counterproductive.</p>
<p>A friend of mine found a condom in her daughter’s jacket. She is very liberal about such things and after a discussion found out that it had been handed out either at school or somewhere else (I can’t remember). She wanted her daughter to hold onto it just in case. It is possible that your son has no intention to use it. While you may never find out whether he does or doesn’t, I think it important not to jump to conclusions.</p>
<p>I agree with much that has been posted here by others. One added point is that if your were snooping, and cop to it, you will find it more difficult to do so in the future if that is your intention. Your son will be more careful. </p>
<p>I think that it is always wise to reinforce the point that what is put online, or even in a phone text message, is not private and can live on long after a person wishes it would never have been written in the first place. I don’t think you need to admit having found something in order to have that discussion.</p>
<p>While it was hurtful for you to read what your son wrote, I hope you know that it means nothing. He didn’t intend for you to see it. Imagine if others could read our thoughts - essentially that is what happened here. Things which aren’t very nice pop into our heads frequently. It doesn’t mean that he seriously thinks or feels those things - sometimes we need to vent (and even moreso when we are a young man managing the surge of teenage hormones).</p>
<p>I’m pretty sure anybody who called me a b**** and a wh*** for not letting them borrow my car, would not ever borrow my car. I am quite, quite sure my husband would never talk like that,and I can’t imaging a friend talking like that. As for a child yes, I’d give him a break, and lovingly forgive him. But anybody that can’t control their tongue and can’t control their anger should probably not be driving a ton of steel around. I think your son is too young to drive, period.</p>