<p>But, it’s not so simple for a kid with Aspergers. They won’t notice “a look,” and while the hygiene training is still just as appropriate, it’s not so easy. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t assume that friend’s mother is neglectful. Until you have had a kid with Asperger’s, don’t judge parents of Aspies.</p>
<p>And of course busdriver is right that you should have your talk with Friend in private. Be respectful. He doesn’t understand social nuances, but you do, so be nice. Be truthful and blunt, and don’t sugarcoat (again, he won’t understand hints or subtlety), but be nice.</p>
<p>Agreed wholeheartedly with Cardinal and busdriver. I am the mother of a 17 year old Aspie that I will be sending off to college in the fall. Your letter could have been written about my son. </p>
<p>Depsite years of direct instruction on personal hygiene, my son simply does not get it. We have had him treated and in counseling since age 6 and that has “helped” mainstream him. Most of his peers do not even know he is Aspergers kid, but they all know he is odd.</p>
<p>There is no hint, look, or offhand comment that will work. Your best chance at changed behavior would be a written checklist of extremely specific requirements and rules. (shower daily with soap, deodorize every morning, brush teeth for 1 minutes morning and night) If done from a friend in as non-judgemental as possible manner, you may get some success. </p>
<p>Aspergers kids need to at some point, come to terms with the fact that there is a social protocol that exists, and even if they do not understand it or recognize it, it is important for them to follow the rules. </p>
<p>You are very kind to be concerned and interested in finding ways to help him. I hope my son meets someone willing to do the same for him.</p>
<p>I don’t have any experience in this area, but would it be a good idea to talk to his parents? They may have acess to resources, or maybe he stopped taking medication that they should be aware of? Just a thought from a Mom who would want to know…</p>
<p>Did you see the Temple Grandin biopic on HBO? There is great little scene where Temple has gotten herself a job and her boss comes in and gives her a can of antiperspirant and says “use it” and she says “thank you.” She’s not hurt, he didn’t have to fire her because she smelled. He was blunt and she, being autistic but not stupid, did what he said.</p>
<p>I like to use foreign country/culture analogies when talking about Asperger’s. Let’s say you are left handed and go to a country where you aren’t supposed to eat with your left hand because it is your “bathroom hand.” First, you wouldn’t have known this social rule unless someone told you. You try to remember to eat with your right hand, but it doesn’t come naturally to you and sometimes you forget and eat with your left hand. Wouldn’t you appreciate it if some kind soul whispered “right hand” to you instead of letting you gross out and offend those around you? </p>
<p>That’s your friend and hygiene. It doesn’t come naturally so he needs to be reminded.</p>
<p>[Personal theory ahead; not based on psychology or science.] People on the autism spectrum are very logical. Much more logical than neurotypicals. They will be friends with people who have poor hygiene, or bad skin or are obese…it’s not that they don’t notice these things. It’s just that it’s not logical to choose your friends based on how they look or smell. So because they don’t judge people that way, it surprises them that these things matter to others.</p>
<p>But they can be taught. If your friend is in college, he is smart, so he can learn that good hygiene is important to others. He may need reminders but that will be a kindess to him.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of the sound advice, everyone. I really appreciate the perspectives of those who have personal experience with this issue, in particular, because it’s really reassuring to hear that what I was doing was not mean. </p>
<p>I’ll continue to think on all of your perspectives and will discuss the advice given with my boyfriend, who has known this friend for much longer than I have. As far as I know, this issue hasn’t really occurred until college, which I think has something to do with the fact that he doesn’t have his mom telling him these things like he did at home. I know that when she’s visited, and once when we visited there, she told him to go change his clothes and stuff.</p>
<p>Not sure if this stream can be revived, but as a mom of a soon-to-be college student with Asperger’s (who is catching on about the importance of hygiene) and someone who has chaperoned large groups of boys from 10-19 yrs old on performance tours, I do think there may be a fairly easy solution for the discomfort about showers. We always suggest that boys consider bringing a pair of swimming trunks to shower in a group dorm bathroom if they are in anyway concerned about their privacy/modesty. Some boys do, some don’t, but ALL are required to take showers and use deoderant. And there are many kids in this large group with some form of autism spectrum disorder, including Asperger’s. If you could help this young man achieve just this one thing–developing comfort showering in a public bathroom, you would be doing him such a great service. Poor hygiene eliminates so many normally availble social options in life. And, by the way, it is not uncommon for people with Asperger’s to have mild “ticks” (blinking, coughing, etc.), so I wouldn’t assume he has Tourette’s as well.</p>
<p>“My boyfriend considered that as saying “You can’t come out with us unless you shower” but I don’t think it was necessarily implied.”</p>
<p>Well, maybe it makes sense not to go out with him unless he showers. He isn’t making you miserable on purpose, but he’s still making you miserable. Of course you should make reasonable allowances for a person’s disability, but friendship is a two-way street whether one party has a disability or not. I agree with others that a direct instruction, possibly including a checklist, may be the kindest thing you can do for him. It’s not reasonable for him to expect others to tolerate these smells when there’s a simple fix.</p>
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