<p>My brother just walked out on my sister in law and kids after 24 years of marriage. Kids are rising senior in hs and rising freshman in hs.</p>
<p>Brother is not thinking clearly, being defensive, and I think he is capable of being spiteful with finances. So far there is no indication at all of any physical violence or intimidation.</p>
<p>I have not spoken with my brother yet, but will be attempting to stay somewhat neutral. Brother is Power of Attorney for our mom, who has dementia and has gone into assisted living recently. So I know we will have continuing interaction regarding my mother’s care.</p>
<p>My sis in law is sweet and a bit sheltered, and I don’t want to see her and her kids neglected in this process. I have no experience in this area, so I am asking for help in counseling her on what immediate steps she should be taking.</p>
<p>She works a low-paying part time job at her church, so I know she can’t live off of what she makes. The kids are in public school so for now there are not tuition checks to fight over. She and her kids are living in the family home, and her husband has moved out.</p>
<p>She wants to reconcile, but knows her husband has to make major changes and choose to want to come back home, attend counseling, etc. So even if they were to eventually reconcile, this is going to wreck nephew’s senior year in hs.</p>
<p>Any advice?</p>
<p>Immediate steps?</p>
<p>I think she should contact an attorney right away, but I think she sees that as “giving up” on reconciliation.</p>
<p>Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom to share with her.</p>
<p>You can help her find counseling. If she has insurance, help her look for a carrier that takes her insurance. Counseling for her from someone with experience and not the emotional involvement you would have. Also for the kids so they have place to vent and ask questions. Be there for the kids. Stay out of it otherwise. There is often a lot more than others know in these situations. </p>
<p>If she’s not comfortable going to an attorney, would she be comfortable talking to a woman’s resource center or possibly even a domestic violence center? (DV centers don’t only work with physically abusive cases- they also work with survivors of financially and mentally controlling relationships). These places can not only help her with the next steps but they can also provide support to her children- whether that be financial, emotional, etc. They can often be less intimidating than going to an attorney. </p>
<p>You’re a great SIL to be there for her. <em>hugs</em> to both of you. </p>
<p>If the soon-to-be senior is a strong enough student, s/he needs to target large merit scholarship colleges (see the sticky threads at the top of the financial aid and scholarships forum section). Divorces can drain away the parents’ money, and parental fighting will likely make any promises of college money unreliable, even if there is money left after paying divorce lawyers.</p>
<p>The whole college thing is a mess. I have been trying to give “suggestions” for over a year, and it is falling on deaf ears. They have found “dream school” that will cost almost $40,000/year, then on to law school. (Don’t get me started on trying to tell them how dismal the law field is, or that there is no “prelaw major.”) Even my sis in law is convinced nephew has to attend a college with a prelaw major!</p>
<p>Nephew talks big, but his first ACT score was only 23. GPA per nephew is 4.3, assuming that includes his APs. I think he is slacking off of academics, but at least sure he is not top of his class. Merit seems unlikely, and have been trying to open their eyes to how expensive dream school will be. Not to mention law school costs and niece coming along right behind nephew needing college money.</p>
<p>I don’t have any idea of their family finances, so there may be huge college funds socked away for them. But you still want to use it wisely, especially if law school is in the future.</p>
<p>Is the pastor at her church/workplace a practical source of advice for her? He’s right in the next room. If he’s practical, he might tell her to get her own legal help fast, and how that doesn’t preclude reconciliation. Or perhaps there’s a support group within her church that meets, so she doesn’t feel alone. </p>
<p>My brother who does family law tells me the biggest problem he sees among college-bound families divorcing is they fight away the college resources. They affix emotional messages to what should be, sadly, just a property redistribution. </p>
<p>By my way of thinking, since your brother sounds hard-headed, is when you finally get a chance to talk to him about his own/the nephews’ interest, see if you can get him to reframe any thoughts about “winning” where that means impoverishing his wife, just to… show her, or prove… whatever. </p>
<p>Be open to the fact that there might be things you don’t know here, too. You sound very much aligned with your SIL at this moment. It’s not yours to figure out why they’ve separated. I’d be working very hard, emotionally, to keep lines of communication open with the brother, especially since you have your Mom to care for. Don’t take sides if you can possibly help it. </p>
<p>Can you offer up some quiet study space to the nephews?</p>
<p><<<
By my way of thinking, since your brother sounds hard-headed, is when you finally get a chance to talk to him about his own/the nephews’ interest, see if you can get him to reframe any thoughts about “winning” where that means impoverishing his wife, just to… show her, or prove… whatever.</p>
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<p>This is very true. Even if his goal isnt to impoverish his wife/kids, the reality is that my moving out he has introduced a huge new expense ( another home and possibly dating) so likely - in his mind - his stuff must get paid for first - and if anything is leftover that might go to the family.</p>
<p>I suspect that there is another woman if the “move out” is sudden without much explanation (except maybe some red herring excuse to cover the real reason).</p>
<p>As for taking sides…if the brother truly is behaving badly, then he deserves a situation where his sister sides a bit with his wife. however, the siding shouldnt be so extreme that the brother will dismiss whatever his sister says to him. I have long believed that people should feel some consequence from relatives if they abandon their families and leave them in difficult way. if they dont, then there is no fear to behave badly.</p>
<p>the wife needs to make sure that there arent any changes made to banking,etc. Sometimes if the big paycheck has been deposited into a joint acct, the guy will change that leaving the wife with nothing. hopefully she lives in a state where he will be ordered to continue paying bills, etc.</p>
<p>I went through a similar situation when D1 was a senior and D2 was in 8th grade. Maybe you can help by researching attorneys to find out who the good divorce attorneys are in your area so you can give her a couple of names when she is ready. She really needs to watch the bank balances to make sure he doesn’t just drain them and leave her with no way to cover expenses. Agree that there very possibly is “another” in the picture. </p>
<p>I think she should get an attorney ASAP, but you can’t make her do that. Talking to an attorney is not ‘giving in’, but it is helping her figure out what to do in the short term to protect herself and her kids.</p>
<p>The college situation is tricky…but honestly, why should the parents pay for law school to start with? (Another thread for another day…). You might bring up the idea of a financial safety or two with your SIL, since finances have to be uncertain due to the separation and not knowing how that will work out. You could put it “Just so he has more choices in the spring next year when it is time to decide.”.</p>
<p>Talking to a knowledgeable attorney can be therapeutic and empowering - this is what my good friend said. BTW, said friend reconciled with her spouse despite consulting with a divorce lawyer. The guy realized that the grass did look greener on the other side, but it was fake grass. </p>
<p>And law school after college might not even materialize… But I agree kiddo needs to look at schools where he would be a top candidate with his stats so he could get merit aid.</p>
<p>Do talk to your brother. You say he “isn’t thinking clearly.” Is this a “mid-life crisis”/affair? Try to get him to see the long-term consequences for his family (kids, future relationships with both sides of extended family, grandkids, etc.) A 24-year marriage with kids isn’t something to just walk out on when you’re not thinking clearly. Ask him to consider counseling, stop/think, get his head on straight before making any important decisions. IMO, it is OK to take sides (–not getting involved in personal arguments/relationship, but being sympathetic/supportive of the non-guilty party) if one person is clearly in the wrong–this happened with H’s brother years ago. The whole family is still in touch with the ex-s-i-l, but the brother has cut off all contact with both families.</p>
<p>I have a very good friend in a similar situation. Be prepared to listen to “venting”, make sure the kids school knows what’s happening. I’d try and get her to talk to an attorney (and your brother should as well). Factual information can be very helpful. Check into your state flagship school and see how they determine who is the custodial parent, if they want information from the noncustodial parent, etc. And how they determine if the parents are legally separated. I’d give the information to both parents, and your nephew. It might be helpful to have a back up plan, in case “dream school” doesn’t work. Talking to an attorney does not eliminate the possibility of counseling or reconciliation…it’s just a good idea to be informed. </p>
<p>A sad situation all around. I agree she should be talking to a lawyer, to protect her and the kids rights, he can make sure that your brother doesn’t pull stuff like draining the bank accounts or not meeting responsibilities, if he insists on moving out they need a temporary plan in terms of the seperation, he cannot just walk about scott free. I obviously don’t know the story but if my brother walked away like this, he would get a ton of crap from me about it, even if SIL had done something wrong, he has kids, and their are consequences to actions he needs to think about. I don’t know what happened, but I tend to agree with others, I would hazard a guess it is probably another woman, unless you saw signs of problems before this, it usually is the case. I just hope that he is able to be a stand up person and take responsibility, and realize that his actions are going to have consequences for everyone, especially his kids, and that if he is doing this as some sort of mid life crisis thing, it is pretty reckless IMO. </p>
<p>I am glad you are in SIL’s corner, I can bet it makes her feel not so alone, especially given it is your brother who walked out. I encourage seeing a lawyer, and like others, I recommend she see a counselor if she can get one, or ask the clergy at the church for help, he/she might be able to refer her to something that won’t cost a lot, and especially if she wants to reconcile it is going to take help to figure out how to do it. In the meantime, all I can do is try and send my good energy and prayers her way, this kind of thing really saddens me, I guess as I have gotten older I am turning into a softie:)</p>
<p>""“agree she should be talking to a lawyer, to protect her and the kids rights, he can make sure that your brother doesn’t pull stuff like draining the bank accounts or not meeting responsibilities, if he insists on moving out they need a temporary plan in terms of the seperation, he cannot just walk about scott free. I”""</p>
<p>it sounds like he already has moved out.</p>
<p>the lady needs to talk to an lawyer because who knows what he is thinking. Many/most/all states have the means to put into place orders for temporary support and/or orders that the household bills still get paid (this isnt often known by those who leave…and they are shocked when they find this out…so the earlier the better he be informed of that.)</p>
<p>If the husband is well-employed, he could have his wages garnished if he tries to screw the family. if he is self-employed, then things can get sticky if he pretends that he has a smaller income than he does.</p>
<p>Some states even still have contested divorces, which punish the offending spouse for things like infidelity, alcoholism, mental cruelty, etc. This can be a shock for the naughty spouse who finds that he wont be walking away with 50%. Heck, in my state, the naughty spouse can end up with only his socks in a contested divorce. </p>
<p>none of the above means that a divorce is inevitable. sometimes when the H leaves, he has some fantasy of how things will be (fun, fun, fun …with all my money), and then there is a reality check when his atty or the courts inform him of his obligations. </p>
<p>After 20+ years of marriage your SIL has substantial financial rights - the lawyer is to protect her and the children. Your brother may think it is up to him what he will provide for his family on the basis of his feelings and moods; it isn’t. But your SIL needs to get some advice quickly, before he has a chance to spend lavishly (which men in midlife crisis are prone to do) or attempt to hide assets. </p>
<p>Most attorneys specializing in family law (they don’t call themselves “divorce lawyers” anymore) will do an initial consultation for free. He/she will ask your SIL about her circumstances and give her a broad view of issues she should be thinking about. </p>