<p>Things my daughter learned in middle school:
1.Don’t always raise your hand. Even when you know the answer, let others give it a shot, but if called upon, give the right answer.
2. Middle school kids are awful, just keep focused on high school.
3. Think before you speak. Learning to not put your foot in your mouth is important.
4. Don’t brag about accomplishments or grades. (She hated when her teachers would recognize her in class because it only made the others angry.)
5. Find some good friends. (She found some really good friends who weren’t jealous of her accomplishments and who had many of their own.)</p>
<p>I don’t know if it is worse for boys or girls. I do know that my daughter continued to perform, but my son really changed as a student in the middle of 7th grade. As a twenty year old, he is finally starting to see the light, but as a 13 year old, he wanted to fit in even if it meant sabotaging your grades.</p>
<p>I don’t think parents should brush it off by thinking it’s a normal passage for kids to be bullied. I would try to see if you could help him find a core group of friends to hang out with, and stay out of those bullies’ radar. But if it doesn’t work, and they are still coming after him then I would go after them. Your child has as much right to be treated with respect at school as those bullies. I would call the school’s admin and those parents to the carpet to demand them to provide a safe/healthy environment for your son. There should be zero tolerance for bullying.</p>
<p>Lots of good advice here. It probably wouldn’t hurt to give your S a few small tips about human nature, such as the nature of competition and envy and the lengths some people will go to “win”, or undermine winners. Do stress that there is nothing wrong with HIM, but that there are things he could do (smile wanly rather than crow when his name is called as the winner) to ease the way just a little bit. Meanwhile, based on the passion he brings to his interests now, he has years of happy, productive years to look forward to as an adult!</p>
<p>I suggest family TV night with the complete Freaks and Geeks. I’m sure he’ll be able to relate.</p>
<p>Darn I wish CC had auto spell check…anyway I agree with Oldfort and don’t think anyone should “brush off” a child’s vocalization about bullies. I absolutely think it’s a good idea to get teacher perspective on the kids. Before high school when there were parent teacher conferences I often asked how my kids were perceived, how they fit in, whether they had friends, those sorts of questions. Developing healthy relationships is an important part of growing up and the comments are sometimes very interesting. By having a conversation with teachers it also opens their eyes to watch for something they may not be noticing. I guess where I might differ from oldfort is that I would probably thread very carefully down the path of talking to the school about bullying, if your child is being teased about your involvement, it’s possible that could backfire or that someone in the school could have a knee jerk reaction. I think I would try to get more information first, then determine if it is a true “bully” situation that absolutely requires parental intervention. By the way my youngest went to many chess tournaments and sometimes his most fun times were the ones I couldn’t go to. In general kids enjoy experiencing how “other families” do things and getting a tiny taste of freedom. So, don’t think of it as rejection stepping down from your level of activity think of it as giving your child the opportunity and space to get to know some other kids alittle better during the car ride or the day. Believe me I grew up with my mother in the same very small school every day (teacher) and it was hard to be me.</p>
<p>I like momofthreeboys advice about what questions to ask a teacher. It’s harder to do in Middleschool unless Parent teacher conferences allow you to visit with each of the teachers. (In fact, this little insight into my kid and how it’s going is something I deeply miss with him now in college - and yes, I get the whole letting go, but I can still miss it). I just think getting a second opinion on perception is probably a good thing unless you’ve actually witnessed the bullying… and if that’s the case, those are some seriously brazen kids!</p>
<p>I just graduated from high school and going for college, so with fresh memories of my life through school I will offer my opinion on this.</p>
<p>My advice would be for your child to avoid bullies as much as he can and make friends with kids that have similar interests. Why? Bullies hunt in packs for the single prey left behind, if you can fit yourself in a group, bullies will be more hesitant to approach. </p>
<p>I spent elementary education in a big Catholic School and was always very shy and introverted. Bullies? There was one that was always pesky on my school lunch. Solution? I had a classmate with whom I had a common interest for anime (cartoons). We always spent recess and free time talking about cartoons and discussing the latest episodes and became great friends. I never hesitated on helping him with homework and he never gave a second thought on defending me from bullies. He was the tall and brave kind of kid and I was the stereotypical shy Asian kid. I haven’t heard of him since Elementary school, but wherever he is, I wish him the best from the bottom of my heart.</p>
<p>High school was a different experience since I attended a very small private high school. Classes were small and variety was the rule. The size and variety ensured my growth as an individualistic person. Bullying simply made no sense because there was no majority vs minority. In fact, mocking each other’s differences and weaknesses was the key to laughs and socializing. </p>
<p>Both school experiences were extremely different and both contributed to my growth as child and teenager. It all revolved around being able to socialize and make the best of it. My elementary school friend helped me learn how to trust people and share with them. My high school friends let me develop my own personality without pressures of being any different. Am I any different now? I am still shy and introverted, but very proud of being myself and, most importantly, KNOWING how to socialize with those aspects of my personality. I have many acquaintances and few friends, but they are of top-notch quality and I would trust my life to them.</p>
<p>So, to conclude, your child should find his ‘clique’ to be around with, people he shares interests with and can trust, because confidence drives bullies away. And even if some bullies still bother him every now and then, he’ll have friends to share with and the burden will disappear soon. He won’t bully others if his family-taught values are strong. You prepare him well for the journey, and he will enjoy it by himself, and with companions if you encourage him the right way.</p>
<p>Bravo Andre… Bravo. Excellent post and excellent advice. And I think my kid would have been the kid doing comics with you… big and athletic but truly, if you look close… he’s really a geek. Don’t underestimate what you gave to your elementary pal as well.</p>
<p>Is it mandatory for him to enter the science fair every yr or enter every fair that’s offered? If that’s what is drawing the negative attention, is it such a big deal to sit out for a fair or two so that there will necessarily be another winner? He can always pursue science competitions outside school for a while. While middle school is tough, a lot of the petty jealousy that happens in school is when there is one kid winning every award over and over because however good the #2 kid is, he never gets a shot at recognition. While that shouldn’t be your problem, it will be if kid #2 is popular and has enough friends who support him in saying ‘OP’s son only won bc his mom is so involved’ – and whether you have true involvement or not, if you’re visible at the school, people will assume involvement. It may also be possible to win over people if he pursues a ‘normal’ interest that’s totally outside his expertise – i.e. joining (or asking to work out with) a sports team is one that I’ve seen that has an effect. Often the same people who bully someone for being smart will become friends with that person over time if he is on a team with them – shows up, works hard, isn’t there to steal the spotlight or act smarter than anyone else etc. I knew a couple guys who were HS vals for whom sports was their way of being accepted at school and of making friends bc they didn’t want to be picked on for being just ‘the smart guys.’</p>
<p>I have to admit the suggestions of “laying low” do not sit well with me. </p>
<p>First of all, I wouldn’t want your son to think that he shouldn’t participate in class or be excited about class. Being quiet might make him enjoy it less…and why shouldn’t it? He should be told not to brag about his achievements, and to speak as well as let others speak, but he shouldn’t be told to “lay low” or “act dumb”. Those are two separate things, if you get what I’m saying.</p>
<p>The suggestions I like most are from people who say to have him check out CTY/other summer camps, meet smart people his age, etc. Maybe even go to a magnet middle school where it’s ok to be smart. And of course telling him that it’s not his fault people are envious/etc. - which you’ve probably already done. But “dumbing yourself down” for the crowd is never good…I did that myself, actually, and yes, kids were surprised at the college acceptances I got…and so were my TEACHERS!! Being passionate in class (in a respectful and tactful way of course) will garner better recommendations later on, in addition to making everything less boring. Haha.</p>
<p>Ignore these kids. Its imperative that your son doesn’t let this get to him. If he has a great group of friends he can just laugh it off. These kids are just sensitive to the fact that they’re not trying hard enough.</p>
<p>Andrew - great post. Great advice. I like the part about helping your friend with his homework. I don’t take it as “buying his friendship,” but as friends there is give and take. Sometimes when a smart kid is willing to help out other kids it goes a long way.</p>
<p>This thread hit home with me because I just read about a 15 year old girl in MA killed herself after been taunted and bullied at her new high school. A beautiful young girl. </p>
<p>My younger brother was that young Asian nerdy kid bullied and picked on by kids at school. My parents’ advice was to “just ignore” those kids, they’ll go away. How do you ignore them when they were in your face everyday? You couldn’t go to bathroom for fear of running into one of them. You constantly have to watch over your stuff because they might throw them out and your parents would be mad at you. You get notes in your backpack about what a loser you are. My younger brother, a grown man now, is still traumatize from the experience.</p>
<p>I am not saying OP’s son is getting picked on that much, maybe with just some fine tuning he will do great in high school. I think parents just need to pay attention to make sure the pressure is at an acceptable level, and it doesn’t get to a point a child feels helpless. If I have to pick for my kids to be dumb and have friends, or to be really smart and no friends, I would prefer for them to be dumb.</p>
<p>I agree that school administrations need to be proactive against bullying, but kids who bully can be very sneaky and if they think the “victim” ratted them out, it can mean worse for the victim. In other words, trying to protect your kids by reporting it to administration hoping that they will immediately punish the bad kids is probably over simplified. First, school officials have to witness the behavior. Once witnessed they need to react swiftly and as an adult who witnessed the behavior, not an adult who had been told about it. Basically, administration should be told so they are more aware of what is going on and hopefully, more likely to observe an indiscretion. In any case, your son also needs to do what he can to be left alone. If he is able to help his situation it will help his self-esteem. </p>
<p>Maybe he can offer to help one of the bully’s with school work, not do it for him, but tutor. Maybe the positive reinforcement of the bully getting better grades will help the bully turn around. All of the other good advice about finding some like-minded friends and making sure he doesn’t give off an arrogant air should be noted. Good luck, but it is probably better to learn how to deal with bullies now than wait until adulthood because bullies still exist in adulthood and still look for helpless prey.</p>
<p>Awwww oldfort you don’t really mean that! Let’s put it this way, I think it’s important for kids to learn social skills and in my opinion as important as getting good grades. So much of life is collaborative that it’s a much tougher road to travel if you are challenged in the social skills department. It’s a readiness signal for elementary school “plays well with others” and elementary teachers are often on the out-look for teasing and bully behavior, but often gets de-emphasized in middle school where it is more critical. I remember my husband telling the kids a story many, many years ago about a kid who transferred into his middle school school. He was a small kid, wore these stange geeky glasses and my husband and his pals were merciless with this kid but he kept coming back and coming back, my husband told our boys they finally “accepted” the kid into their group because they grudgingly admired his ability to withstand tormment. It was probably far, far worse thirty years ago than today as people seem to be more concerned about the subtle differences between bonding and bullying and one person’s bonding is another person’s bullying. That is only one example, all kids have to find their “path” but unfortunately kids to need to find their own coping mechanism. I also think observationally boys and girls have totally different approaches to this “grouping” phenomenon.</p>
<p>I got the middle school bullies to leave me alone by punching one of them in the nose. They left me alone after that – probably thought I was crazy!</p>
<p>Unfortunately, now that I’m all grown up I can’t condone or recommend my solution. But it sure did work (and feel good) when I was 12!</p>
<p>A very different take on the situation you have described—</p>
<p>If you are interested and in a position to do so, just home school. Reevaluate the situation at the high school level. Nothing you have described seems to me a problem with you or your child and IMHO trying to resolve this situation is not the best use of your time or your child’s time.</p>
<p>If you are interested you could contact your local home school groups for information and advice. I bet you will find a group with several kids like yours. CTY might be able to give you the names of home schoolers in your area.</p>
<p>Good Luck!</p>
<p>ps: if I were you and my kid thought home school sounded okay – I wouldn’t send him back into that environment another day. I would smile at the administration, say it just isn’t the best fit, and withdraw immediately. jmmv</p>
<p>aj275, this kid absolutely should NOT abandon his passion and “skip a few science fairs”. OP, I agree with the other posters that a multi-pronged approach is needed here:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>Talk with any teachers where this is happening in the classroom, and talk with the school administration. My D2 experienced some bullying from other girls in about 6th grade. The administration squashed it (effectively) once they were aware of it. I will say, I approached it gingerly with the administration; told them that I knew that sometimes kids don’t tell the whole story, and I only knew my D’s side, but here is what I was hearing… It worked pretty well. Sounds like the administration there has half the equation (reward kids for being smart, not just for activities like athletics), but they are missing the part where they have to push that culture down to the student level and insist on civil and appropriate behavior toward smart kids. You should call them on it. Bullying is a big topic right now at school administrator gatherings, you might get a better reception than you expect.</p></li>
<li><p>Talk with your son about ways to reduce his profile a bit. This does NOT mean giving up his interests. It does mean (1) don’t be super show-offy in class, that annoys everyone (even other smart kids); (2) don’t show off his grades if he doesn’t have to; (3) look for friends who also like science/reading/etc. You can help with this by offering to take them places like museums, host sleepovers and rent them some sci-fi movies, etc. It will give him confidence to have a group of friends, and honestly, bullies are less likely to pick on someone in a group.</p></li>
<li><p>Consider changing schools next year. A poster above mentioned private schools. My Ds went to a small (75 kids in a graduating class) independent private school that is focused on liberal arts/college prep, and the adults do run the asylum in this particular school. The student-teacher ratios are good and the adults are savvy and caring. It is expensive, but has been worth it. Many of these schools offer financial aid, too. Obviously not all private schools will work out for all kids, but at our kids school it is accepted to be smart, and bullying is pretty limited.</p></li>
<li><p>Many parents of gifted kids do homeschool, partly due to the issues you are describing. If the adults around him WON’T deal with the bullying situation, you should get him out of that school, whether it is for homeschooling or to a different school environment.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>One more thought: look into the Davidson Institute Young Scholars program for your son. And consider sending him to Davidson’s THINK for the summer program if he qualifies. Also, if he is in CTY, you might ask them if he could get access to the Cogito website. These are all ways for him to link up with other kids who have similar interests and academic values, which will be good for his self esteem.</p>
<p>How many of these kids will continue on to the same High School? My kid got lucky; many of her problem kids went to another HS.</p>
<p>I don’t think you have to quit assisting at the events, but I do think you should tell event coordinators the reason why you have taken a lower profile. If there is a social worker associated with the school, please tell them about the stolen pencils incident. These sorts of overt bullying behaviors should not go unnoticed or uncorrected. And jealous parents who tell their kids that Mom is doing the work should be called out too (subtely). How else will they learn?</p>
<p>My son is in 6th grade and unfortunately the teacher was part of the blame, still in elementary school environment, so one teacher all day long. She has a habit of pointing out the “Gifted” kids by calling them so in front of the other children. So if one of the “gifted” kids gets an answer wrong, the rest of the class will snicker and make a remark of “oh thought YOU were gifted”. My sons name starts with the letter B and the teacher acknowledges him as Brilliant and his name. It ticks my son off to no end, almost makes him want to do poorly to lose the title. Son is on the small side, loves sports and is pretty decent but again one of the smallest, which is another target of the other boys to pick on. What we did was put him in a sport that would strengthen his abilities and if necessary his ability to knock some of the offenders off all within the sport. THAT was the only way most of the boys left him alone and finally gave him peace.</p>
<p>OP - is he being boo-ed on stage at a school function or in class if he gives a wrong answer? If it’s at a school function, you can easily take it up with the adminstration pretty anonymously. If the crowd starts to get rowdy for any reason, it’s pretty easy for the principal/speaker at the podium to get up and say 1-2 sentences regarding showing respect and that there will be disciplinary consequences if students don’t. At my school what worked was that in conjunction with this announcement, teachers would pull the offenders out of the event and they’d be given detention. Of course this is ‘uneven’ punishment and leads to complaining since teachers in the crowd can’t possibly see every offender and will only notice and discipline those right near them. But sometimes ‘making an example’ works – even though students will complain about unfairness, next time they’re more likely to keep their mouths shut bc they know that ‘unfair’ detention is a possibility. </p>
<p>A lot of schools do this and it doesn’t come back to you/your child bc the other students will blame the principal/teachers, not the kid who is on stage or his parents. If any of these school functions are attended by parents, guests from outside the school etc., you’d think the school would want to do this so that they come across looking better.</p>