<p>i know my son is just in middle school but i am sure there are fellow cc’ers here who have had high acheiving kids (academics/sports/music etc) who have run into this problem and will have advice for us</p>
<p>my son is passionate about academics , in particular math and science. he spends a lot of his time thinking and working on math and science and is state ranked in mathcounts with hopes for nationals (i know who cares in high school and beyond but he loves it!) and his science fair projects win every year both at local regional and international competitions. he puts a lot of time and energy and thought into his ideas and the judges must see that</p>
<p>however his life at school is pretty miserable. if he wins something gossip spreads that his mom did it. if he does not place highly then he is teased and mocked. kids he doesn’t even know tell him he wins because 'your mom did your project 'or that 'your mom runs the science fair so the judges let you win '( i do buy coffee and donuts for judges with pto money and set them out in the morning as well as put down tablecloths for the teachers to set up boards on).</p>
<p>the administration and teachers say nothing when he is booed or mocked and he is pretty depressed. his brother learned not to be first and is now at a large high school where he can keep his academic achievements on the down low. however this second son gets excited about his projects and enjoys doing a good project and winning (the school spends way too much money on prizes…instead of a medal or trophy they give out laptops/ipods etc which i believe and have said may fuel jealousy and resentment)</p>
<p>the last straw for me was at the regional math competition when a child stole all his pencils and his calculator and hid them right before the test. this is just too bad…i have read other posts in the parent section and people have said it is a harsh cruel world full of haters that you have to deal with. maybe there is a way to defuse them though??</p>
<p>There is nothing worse than middle school bullies. Middle schoolers can be such selfish, hurtful little beasts.</p>
<p>I would make a several-pronged attack. Talk to the administration and also talk to the other parents. They may not know about the bullying or they may be looking the other way because there’s no way Their Precious could POSSIBLY do something so heinous. Time to give them a wakeup call!</p>
<p>Does your son have any friends at school? Not just acquaintances, but people who will stick up for him? If not, I would really, really consider pulling him out and putting him somewhere else. It is really hard to stop an entire group of middle schoolers from the “outside” (the adult world.)</p>
<p>The bullying is not your son’s fault in any way. However, if he has no friends at all (not clear from your message), I suggest checking in with a therapist to get him some help learning to make friends.</p>
<p>“Making friends” in his school will mean joining in when a new victim is found.</p>
<p>We really tried to make middle school work. His science teacher pulled me aside and urged me to get him out of the school. Then he got punched and the reaction to it was absurd.</p>
<p>The only thing I regret about pulling my bullied kid out of middle school is not doing it sooner. He’s done fantastic in high school, academically and socially.</p>
<p>Can he get a life outside of school? Is there a weekend program that he can throw himself into? How about summer camp He needs to find his fellow countrymen and live among friends.</p>
<p>1) let another mom buy the donuts and set up table cloths for the science fair. I would have nothing to do with it so there was no chance of associating any part of my efforts with the success of my child.</p>
<p>2) not help in any way with science fair or other competitions in terms of the product. If you are driving the kid to the store, fine. If you are helping him refine his hypothesis or setting up his experiments than you have not helped him at all and the criticisms from his classmates has been deserved. Our school requires parents sign statements saying they will not help beyond the purchase of supplies. Looking back and the difference between the quality of projects at the larger public high school and my kids’ schools. It was clear there was a lot of parental assistance going on.</p>
<p>3) He is boo’d and the administration and/or teachers say nothing? Find out who is in charge of compliance with OCR (office of civil rights). It’s one thing if kids are teasing him in the hallway (not right certainly, but not condoned), it’s quite another when a kid does not feel safe amid the adults either. That is ridiculous beyond ridiculous.</p>
<p>4) consider sending him to a private school where it’s actually cool to be smart. They exist for sure. Some have incredibly generous financial aid. Now this might not be possible for a number of reasons, but what I often suspect of parents from really high achievers is that they are a tad worried that their kid won’t be on the top of the heap if they attend a school where most kids are expected to be high achieving. </p>
<p>5) Middle school sucks for everyone… even the most popular. All you can really do is be there to encourage your child to be true to themselves, never brag, learn to be very humble about their accomplishments and be willing to help someone for whom it doesn’t come as easily.</p>
<p>agree with the therapy suggestion. Even if it’s just a safe place to vent and your S doesn’t get any practical tips for dealing with his life- it’s a good investment in his mental health.</p>
<p>You don’t have to volunteer for the science fair, you know. There are other ways to give back to your kids school if this has become a hot button for your kids peers.</p>
<p>Suggest CTY if you haven’t looked into it already. A wonderful, beautifully managed summer program where kids who don’t have a peer group during the year can find one over the summer. The academics are incredible, the social experience was transformative for many kids I know. It can help make a bad situation during the year tolerable to know that there are kids just like him and there are fantastic teachers who inspire.</p>
<p>Is there a teacher who is at all aware of what’s going on??? And who has taken an interest in your son??</p>
<p>I’m saying if the child has no friends at school, and also no neighborhood friends and no friends in outside activities, then in addition to needing help preventing bullying he also needs help learning to make friends.</p>
<p>I always get so sad when I read something like this. It just seem so unfair and not right. </p>
<p>There are 2 boys, one in each of my daughters’ class, who are brilliant in math and science. Both of them are very nice boys, but socially awkward if you don’t mind me saying so. The one in D2’s grade always had a crush on D2 since grade school. He would randomly tell D2 about some scientific fact he has read some where. D2 would always politely nod her head because she wouldn’t know what he was talking about. The one in D1’s grade was very loud in class and always had answers to everything. I have met him in private a few times and I always enjoyed his company. But according to D1, in school he was loud and obnoxious (I am not saying your son is).</p>
<p>Intelligence is like wealth, people tend to be envious of it. You want to have it, but you don’t want people know that you have it. I tend to tell my girls to be low key about their achievements in school. They don’t usually tell people about their grades or any awards. It wasn’t until junior/senior year that kids at D1’s school thought she was a contender for top tier schools. It became apparent when she was admitted to two most prestigious societies at her school at the end of her junior year. Before then, she alway flew under the radar. When her friends became aware it (and most of them were not admitted), they shun her for the whole junior summer.</p>
<p>If there is anything I would suggest is to teach your son about being more low key in school, not to let his friends know about his grades, and not be “know it all” in classes. He should be proud of his achievements, but it doesn’t need to be in “your face” as much. He can still be the best student in math/science without broadcasting it to everyone. D1 was the only one that received A+ in her AP physics class, but no one knew about it (we found out by looking at the school’s profile report).</p>
<p>One other thing I would suggest is if you could afford it maybe transfer him to a private school where it is cool to be smart.</p>
<p>My impression was that it was private, from the “giving out iPods and laptops” thing, but maybe not.</p>
<p>In any case, do not think that private schools are some safe haven from bullies. I went to a religious private middle school and was bullied, and saw other kids bullied. I vividly remember watching a game of tag where the “popular” kids decreed that this one girl had to be “it” all the time because . . . her parents were the only ones who didn’t own a VCR. There was a real “be rich or be teased” mentality at that school. (Now, by contrast I went to a religious private high school that had next to NO bullying . . . It really depends a lot on the individual crop of kids and administration.)</p>
<p>Honestly, being on or off the committees is not going to make a lick of difference. The bullies are doing this because they enjoy bullying and have kayakson pegged as a target. If one “reason” for bullying dries up, they will invent another.</p>
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<p>I completely disagree with this. What kind of message is this sending the son? “Well son, you’re being bullied, but it’s probably your own fault.”</p>
<p>I agree with the above comment (#9). It is just like wealth, you want to have it, but you don’t want to flaunt it.</p>
<p>It took me a while to learn it is best to keep it low key like “oldfort” said. I “play dumb” sometimes, which just means staying quiet and giving the occasional “I dont know” answer.</p>
<p>Once I stopped worrying about showing my talents in class discussion and instead just demonstrating my abilities quietly on the test, my grades went way up. I get 97-100% on about every exam now, I stay off more radars than if I were loud, and my professors seem more impressed.</p>
<p>"Quote:
There are 2 boys, one in each of my daughters’ class, who are brilliant in math and science. Both of them are very nice boys, but socially awkward if you don’t mind me saying so.</p>
<p>Nowadays we generally call that Aspergers. "</p>
<p>thanks so much for your thoughtful posts. he is in a charter school and they make a big deal out of accomplishments like having different school board or state representatives come and give out certificates and medals etc…they do this for their own political reasons because the charter schools in our county have a lot of resistance from the school board so they push their students’ successes.</p>
<p>my child is in CTY and really enjoyed mathpath where he was with kids who were really much more high performing than he was.</p>
<p>he has friends and goes to ski parties and everything… i will really back off helping out at school. i am a big supporter of the school and work nights so i can volunteer a lot during the day since it isn’t a school with a lot of parental involvement…</p>
<p>as to the science fair i did buy him his $38.00 worth of equipment . when he asked me to turn the petri dish over for him while he was at school one day i forgot and killed his creatures…set him back a week and i felt so bad about it…so i’m not much help except buying him what he needs.</p>
<p>I agree with a few points. I think you need to disengage from the school activities abit. There are ways to support the teachers and schools without being present at all the events. Perhaps find another parent to car pool your son for awhile or plan on going to the “big event” but take a pass at some of the others. I would also make sure that projects don’t have any appearance of “parent done.” Another thing you could do is get some perspective from some of the teachers how your child interacts socially. I find it hard to believe that teachers don’t intervene if the bullying is apparent. If you approach this as a dialogue you may get some perspective from someone other than your child. If you’ve been very active in your child’s elementary school it’s tough to break away, but I know at our middle school that part of meeting for incoming parents is about allowing the child to break away from the parent and most importantly for the parent to break away alittle from the child. I’ve heard this “speach three times” now and I understand what they are saying. Middle school is rough and the kids are starting to form groups. By giving your child some space and by getting some perspective from the teachers you can make some plans for not only this school but high school and if there is some counseling needed.</p>
<p>thanks! i have just resigned from all my jobs… give the kid some space…let others step up and do the work…no one is indispensable!!
i’ll tell my child to lie low at school (even though it is hard when his name is called at assemblies!) and esp in class.
see how the rest of the school year goes and look into other options for next year so if things don’t improve he can go elsewhere</p>
<p>Our younger two kids were regularly persecuted at their Catholic elementary and middle school simply because … we are not catholic. So Christian of them. In any event, surely you check out the philosophy of the school and while probably not easy to see what kind of situation would fit a kid best in K-2 or 3, you would have a much better idea of how your child would fare in middle and upper school. And as for our school, seeing as two kids got kicked out three years ago for leaving mean voice mail messages on a kid of color’s voicemail, I’d say there is zero tolerance for bullying behavior of any kind. </p>
<p>Most science fairs that are done thru the schools themselves offer nothing more than a commemorative medal or plaque. These grand prizes seem to reflect privately run contests where there may very well be a circuit of them.</p>
<p>And while I definitely understand the degree to which Aspergers probably goes undiagnosed, not every kid who does not make friends easily or at all has Aspergers as a diagnosis. I would definitely worry about the similar jump there was with ADD. When I was a kid (diagnosed with attention issues), NO ONE else had ADD. Now, there are plenty of arguments/detractors who offer a very loud voice about how many use the diagnosis to gain some sort of competitive advantage. Just saying… just because a few pieces of the puzzle may fit doesn’t mean you’re seeing the whole picture. Some kids, not all mind you, but SOME kids ostracize themselves for one reason or another having nothing to do with a diagnosable biological condition. We’re not all intended to fit into a round hole. That everyone should accommodate every personality out there? Not gonna happen either. And so I would ask… is it bullying to accuse a kid of his mother helping him win a contest? (even if it were true or not true). Calling someone out on BS (if that’s what they think you are doing)… is that bullying? </p>
<p>I am not suggesting a kid not be true to themselves,absolutely… but humility is a good thing to have. If that means not always being the smartest one in the class and in everyone’s face about it? I’d say that is a good thing. Especially if friendships are important to you. You know… my husband has lots of acquaintances, but friendships have not been his primary focus. He does not have Aspergers and is a very likable guy. But he truly truly could care less what other people think of him or about him.</p>
<p>i guess like flocks of birds who pick at ones who are different,middle schoolers are the same way and it pays to hide your light under a huge bushel! hard to do when administration finds ways to make sure light is shined (shone?) on them through kids’ accomplishments. i tell him in college things will be much better (like when he goes to academic camps with kids who are so so smart…he really loves being with them and learning about what they are up to or admiring them from afar…not a lot of kids who have bobby shen as their idol!)</p>
<p>I used to volunteer a lot in my children’s classrooms etc… but in Middle School, even though they still like to have you cheer them on, staying out of the classroom or their activities is probably a good start to the weaning process. You say the school doesn’t have a lot of parent opportunities, but there must be some things that you could do behind the scenes or that have nothing to do with your son’s interests. I used to stock books at the library… gave me a chance to see the kids and their friends, have the teachers know I took a serious interest and well… was available if there was ever a problem. </p>
<p>Just so you know it’s not just a “smart” person’s problem. I’ve seen kids get a lot of flack on the playing fields when their parents are too involved. Whether that be a parent coach or merely a parent that is always willing and ready to get the coach whatever he/she needs or even spends a lot of time talking to the coach before or after the game (kissing up on behalf of their kid OR bullying a coach into playing their kid). Believe me… distance is best. Be your kids biggest cheerleader, but do it from well on the sidelines of his life.</p>