Breaking things into baby steps is good advice. She is probably feeling a lot of pressure about messing up her plans as well as trying to figure out all of these major life choices.
See what the therapist thinks but it might be worth just taking that pressure off her by suggesting staying at home next semester or set a date later in April to see how she is feeling about it.
Does she have meds prescribed? If so, definitely give several weeks to see if there are improvements. Sending you hugs and patience.
Agree that the session should be seen as a start, not a finish. Not understanding why only one session is offered, as even if the patient is an adult, if they are willing to participate in family therapy, it should be available. Separately, though, it sounds like you and your husband could benefit from couples therapy so you can get on the same page and/or word out your differences in approach.
Separate issue, and a minor point of frustration- the DSM V, the diagnostic and statistical manual, does not list anger or irritability in its recognized symptoms of adult depression (child/adolescent dx does include irritability).
1 thing, I always say, is ensuring the therapist is the right match for your child. Some are more expert with the age group. #2 may be recognizing that adults and kids offer different maturity and perspective. You have to decide is this is about offering your views/concerns (supporting your child's path to healing, learning ways or setting limits, eg,) or remediation between the child and parents. Different.
Our therapist was awesome…for recognizing DH’s and my perspective. A lousy match for D2. We found her a psychiatrist who specialized in teens/college and she was a godsend. This one met with DH and me one time. But made it crystal clear her relationship was with D2 and protected her privacy.
@Emsmom1 It May go against your desire to “deal with things head on” and “get the mist out of your time” but please trust those who have said to just listen. This session isn’t really about actively doing something. It is about listening. You may hear things you are quite unprepared for. You may feel like screaming. You will probably want to storm out at some point. Listening will be far more difficult than “doing” something. Best of luck.
And a final hug and word of caution- You may hear something which shocks you beyond belief. That your D was abused by a coach, family member or friend. That the drug use in college started after she was the victim of a sexual assault. I don’t want to scare you… but just to reiterate that Job 1 for you is to listen, not to talk, and not to try to get points on the board. I know this is very scary, but this first meeting may not be the right time for you to point out that you’re not going to support your kid forever, that you want her up and at 'em every morning, either going to class, or work, or doing chores/making packages at the local food pantry. I think she knows this. But setting what you consider to be “modest goals” towards independence could be putting the cart WAY before the horse if she’s acting out because of some traumatic experience you don’t know about… and she couldn’t tell you about, because of her fears about the way you’d react.
Consider this family meeting HER safe space, not yours.
Hugs, hugs hugs. It’s going to get better-- the fact that she’s agreed to a four way session with both parents AND the therapist is a wonderful sign that she wants to “play ball”.
Thank you all so much for your advice. Unfortunately, my daughter did not show up for the family therapy session. Apparently, she called her therapist to cancel because she overslept and assured the therapist that she had told us (she had not). My husband left work early and rode the train for an hour to be at the appointment.
We met her therapist who is-and I’m not exaggerating-about 5 years older than my daughter. This would be fine-I’m sure there are some very good therapists who are young-but she seemed quite timid. I know I should wait until we actually have a session before making judgments. But I’m having a hard time with that.
I’ve been thinking about you all day and I’m so sorry this was a non-starter.
I have a family member who is a gifted therapist. She’s now middle aged, but she was considered a superstar during her residency, early years of training/practice, etc. and I have no doubt that her appearance shocked her patients at first. (she still looks ten years younger than she is… but she no longer looks 19).
Can you refocus your disappointment by finding a support group for YOU?
Whenever I met with a couple/ family, my goal ( as a psychologist) was to try to elicit common goals. I did not expect that my clients would have to direct the sessions. I would advise that you consider what you would like the outcome to be ( e.g. Having cordial exchanges while your daughter is living at home) or what you believe you need ( e.g. advice or enhanced understanding as to how you can be most helpful to your daughter).
I, ideally, would endeavor to have parents and daughter experience some understanding of each others’ reality and to be able to express that understanding. That, for me, was the essential first step. I would hope that listening would be a major part of that session, not only for you, but also for your daughter.
This process can be so difficult. I wish you the best.
Wow, so sorry. Well you could try a session with the therapist if you reschedule. However, if it is not going to be an ongoing thing, it may be best to look for another one (psychologist) and make it a requirement for your daughter to participate if she is going to be living with you. I hope you all can get some communication going soon.
What we learned, the hard way, was that the match to the patient is often more important than the match to the parents. My kiddo’s most recent, excellent therapist was only a few years older, but they hit right marks together.
Frankly, we don’t know if this was passive-aggresisve or a sign of how very much this gal needs some control, some help making the right first moves, repatterning. Is it possible she needs more than outpatient?
These issues with our kids can be so frustrating. Best wishes.
Well… at least the therapist got to see your kid in action, and now probably realizes (if didn’t before) that kid may not be straight on everything she is telling the therapist. “Did you tell your parents?” “Yup”. Parents show up, having not heard a word from kid.
In forming the plan, you can have requirements too. For example,
you will not support her ($$$) returning to her Ivy school unless she competes 2 courses at the community college. Doesn’t matter what they are, she just has to complete them. It might be better if they are art or theater or something she has to be involved with others to complete.
she must earn enough to pay for her social life
she must get up before 9 am and do three things (empty dishwasher, take out trash, cook a meal,do an exorcise activity, read a book, etc). She doesn’t have to do these things at 9 am, just sometime during the day.
I agree with @twoinanddone - I have a daughter with mental illness and a learning disability and somehow even the most minor of our wishes (like clean up after yourself and pass your one class we paid for) were considered ‘unreasonable’ in her eyes. Her father and I don’t agree on much (we are divorced) but we did agree on a couple of these small things. Sometimes having a 3rd party validate that your expectations are not really unreasonable is helpful for both of you honestly.