My daughter (who is on leave from college) has been in an intensive outpatient program for anxiety and depression for a couple of months. We have our first family therapy appt this coming Monday. Family therapy isn’t part of the program but I requested a session. Since she is living in our house, I thought it was important for all of us to get on the same page, so to speak.
She is living with us, she is not working, we don’t know if she’s taking classes (she was but made some noises about missing a lot of work, so I suggested she drop before the deadline), she stays up late and sleeps in as late as she can and is often rude and obnoxious. In addition, her paperwork to return to college in the fall is due May 1 and when I tried to ask her about it she became very upset and stormed out of the room.
I don’t want her to go back to college until she is ready. And if she decides not to return to her non-HYP ivy, I am okay with that, too. I am not ok with her living off of us forever and I’m not ok with her entitled attitude or behavior.
So, I am wondering how to handle the family session. I don’t want it to devolve into everything we did wrong as parents–I concede we made big mistakes and I am willing to work those out in family therapy outside of the intensive outpatient program but we only get one session with my daughter’s individual therapist so I want to make sure that it’s productive.
Any advice?
Can you have a session with the family therapist prior to the family appointment? The therapist could help you determine what your main issues and reasonable goals might be, putting you in a better position to have a more productive family session.
I feel your pain and frustration, plus I am one of those “get productive value out of every minute” type thinkers as well. A first session can be frustrating, especially if the therapist spends most of the time gathering boring background info for their files.
Why do you think you only get one session with this therapist? I would hope you could get ongoing sessions for your family, and maybe this therapist can offer recommendations.
Maybe you write up and send a statement ahead of time for the therapist to read background info and your hopes for what could be accomplished in this session? Or ask to start session with just the parents, so you can speak frankly about what you are hoping to accomplish.
Think about your top priority–what info do you need to help your child? Is it opening communication? Finding out what your D is thinking? Assuring her that you love her no matter what happens with her education?
This therapist can offer valuable information and perspective on how to move forward. I would try to limit your questions to 2-3 specific topics to allow the therapist the most speaking time to inform you on the best ways to reach your D during this difficult time.
I was told valuable parenting advice. When crisis comes, tell your child “I love you, and we will get through this together.” Seems simplistic, but when I got the call that my daughter had wrecked our car, it was the perfect way to respond. And when that same D called from college in tears about the stresses piling up, that same response worked well. It doesn’t fix anything, but it gave me a safe answer while my brain was spinning out of control. It keeps the tone calm and neutral, and hopefully tells your child you care about your relationship with them.
Best of luck to you.
Sometimes (often?) irritability is part of depression – something I’ve had to remind myself of frequently when faced with rude behavior.
I’m surprised that family sessions are not part of the IOP program. Is it because of her age?
@midwest67 I was surprised, too. I think it’s because she is over 18.
I agree with this one
We barely said a word during our first group therapy session for one of our kids who had depression problems. We just listened. It was particularly difficult for me, as I like to deal with things head-on, but it was most informative. This is DH’s way of dealing with things and he is usually very effective. He says little until the facts are all on the table.
By listening and not saying much, it gives you time to think about what Is being said, has been said.
Our family therapist met with my wife and me first, and then met with our son alone. He has been dealing with anxiety and depression, and flamed out his freshman year of college. After a year and a half at home he is back in a different college environment, with a lot more support. My wife and I feel your pain; the last year and a half was difficult for our family.
I’d tell the therapist that what is important is to you is to have a plan, no matter how long term or short term, no matter how big the goals or how small. Some of the deadlines are not imposed by you, but by outsiders (the college setting a May 1 deadline) but you have to live with them.
If the therapist can help you set one little goal, the session may be worth it.
You’ve posted openly about your daughter’s issue. I don’t think she’s made any progress during her year off, and do not think she’s ready to go back to college. She’s not ready to be independent, live away, get up and go to classes, regulate her drug and alcohol use…
@twoinanddone I agree. She is not ready to go back and I’m ok with that. We do want a plan of some kind. And for my husband and I to get on the same page. He wants her to “figure her s**t out” -i.e., without any input from us. He believes in sink or swim and if she sinks, it’s her own fault. And my instinct is to try to fix everything. There has to be a middle ground.
I attended 2? 3? parents sessions when our D was 17. It was…emotionally rough.
I really was not prepared for the seriousness of the problems some of these parents were dealing with. Don’t ask me what I expected. I really don’t know. But it shook me up, and after one session with some particularly heart-wrenching stories, I burst into tears when I got back to the car.
One parent who had been a member of the group for some time, was discussing her D turning 18 and sharing some ways she was continuing to be uncooperative and continuing with her problematic behavior.
I was surprised to hear the therapist say, in short, that maybe it was going to be time for the parent to ask the kid to leave (the house) if she was not going to stay in treatment.
I didn’t know the background story of course, and all of this was new to me. I had a really hard time hearing that blunt suggestion because I really, really did not want to find myself in that parent’s shoes.
So, @Emsmom1 , maybe prepare yourself for some very straight “matter of fact” suggestions from the therapist.
Wishing you strength!
@Emsmom1 I’m sorry you’re going through this. Dealing with mental illness, a child who’s gotten off track – all that can be hard on a family. I agree with @cptofthehouse that saying little in your first therapy group is good advice; that in the beginning you’re there to listen and learn. I know you’re frustrated by your daughter, and your comment “I am not ok with her living off of us forever and I’m not ok with her entitled attitude or behavior” speaks volumes. When you find yourself felling like this, try to remember, she’s not happy with the situation either. Her attitude and behavior could be a mask for her own feeling of helplessness and dismay at finding herself back at home. If she’s at an elite college, which it sounds like she is, she’s probably a person of at least some ambition and drive, and she’s been surrounded by people with ambition and drive, and this situation is hard on her. This is something you could work on in your therapy, eventually. But most of all, I counsel patience. My son had a nervous breakdown as a college freshman and it took him a good couple of years – and lots of ups and downs – to find himself again. Having a plan is good. But that plan may take a while to work, and unless you accept that may be the case, your family will remain in a frustrated and unhappy place. This isn’t something I wish for you.
Emmsmom- big hug to you. I think you sound like a profile in courage the way you’ve handled things.
I don’t have any answers for you but I have two suggestions:
1- Get the phone number/contact information for a parent support group NOW and keep that slip of paper in your pocket during the therapy session. Google, look up your local hospital, some of the national organizations for families with mental health issues, substance abuse… but find a group. Best case- you’ll feel more grounded knowing that the session on Monday is not going to “fix” the situation, and that you’ve got a safe place going forward where you can talk about what’s going on. Worst case- you’re going to cry all the way home, and will be grateful to have taken the time to identify a resource ahead of time if you’re feeling vulnerable and sad.
- Promise yourself that you're going to do more listening than talking. I think hearing from an outsider what's going on is going to be both incredibly insightful AND incredibly painful. So whatever you need- a rubber band on your wrist to snap when you want to answer an absurd accusation that your D has made; a pad to doodle on when you want to react to a comment from the therapist- whatever it takes. I know that these sessions often feel like a day with Judge Judy and you just want to tell your side of the story. But it's not- this session is a moderated way for your D to communicate with you and for the therapist to help you interpret what your D is feeling. I think you will get MUCH more out of the meeting if you don't try to "give our side" or explain what actually happened, or tell the therapist how much pain you're all in. That can be for later. But for now- you'll get more done if you listen.
You don’t need to tell the therapist that you want a plan, you want her to stop being a brat and slamming doors, you want her to get an education and get out of bed and get a job. EVERY parent wants this- you don’t need to set off WW3 with your D sitting in the room by saying this. Of course you want a plan- your D wants one too. As my friend the ER doctor says, "Nobody wakes up in the morning and says, “Gee, I hope I get to spend some time in the emergency room today”. Nobody. The mere fact of you being there is an epic failure in the natural order of things- someone smashes into your car on the interstate; a ladder falls over on you when you’re walking down the street; you have an allergic reaction to a cookie which says on the wrapper “nut-free”. All epic fails which is why you’re in the ER. You guys are in the family therapy version of an ER and NONE of you want to be there, and the therapist knows this.
I hope you have a gallon of mint chip ice cream sitting in your freezer for when you get home. Big hug to you, this is certainly the way for you to earn your parenting merit badge.
Perhaps a local NAMI group would be helpful.
@MaineLonghorn does this sound like something NAMI would be helpful with…
You’ve gotten lots of great advice from other posters, I hope knowing how many others have gone through this (or are currently going through this) helps you not feel so alone in this process.
The analogy that has helped me a little bit as our family has gone through therapy is that family therapy in part looks an awful lot like doing a deep spring cleaning of your whole home. To get the house really clean, you often may feel like you are creating a bigger mess by moving everything from where it was originally, decluttering that which needs to be recycled or removed, cleaning those nooks and crannies that are often overlooked and then having to put everything back into order.
During a deep clean, the most frustrating part can be when you’ve actually done most of the work necessary but the house still looks a mess because you haven’t yet been able to restore everything to where it needs to be. The only thing that gets me through that hardest part is reminding myself that sometimes things have to get messier to get better.
I agree…listen.
Realize that the irritability and not being able to get up are all symptoms of depression.
Try to figure out how you can be supportive but also she has a path forward.
Realize it may take longer than you want. It may mean one class at a Community college per semester.
Think if she broke a leg…would you be saying “Why can’t you get a job?” “Just get up and walk!”
Actually realize that having her in your house for you to watch over her is a good thing…I know someone whose child dropped out of college because of some mental health issues and then decided that she was going to go to LA on her own and then at some point wanted to become a “breathatarian”. Eventually she came back but expect a slow go.
from stories I have seen it is helpful for them to have some tiny bit of structure…be it a dog they walk, or a fun class they go to, or a part time job…something that gets them out of bed. But very very baby steps.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Honestly, since the problems have been going on for a while and took a long time to develop to this level, there is not a whole lot that can be accomplished in one session (I’m a psychologist). It sounds like it would be helpful to find a way to have some ongoing family therapy sessions to really make some progress with communication. However, for this one session, I would pick three main points/concerns you want to get across (without going on for a long time about your frustrations with her) and then mostly listen. Best of luck going forward.
I don’t have any specific advice to offer but I think it’s a great sign that she’s in the outpatient program. Hang in there.
In forming the plan, you can have requirements too. For example,
-
you will not support her ($$$) returning to her Ivy school unless she competes 2 courses at the community college. Doesn’t matter what they are, she just has to complete them. It might be better if they are art or theater or something she has to be involved with others to complete.
-
she must earn enough to pay for her social life
-
she must get up before 9 am and do three things (empty dishwasher, take out trash, cook a meal,do an exorcise activity, read a book, etc). She doesn’t have to do these things at 9 am, just sometime during the day.
I say this because it appears she has no structure to her day. I’m guilty of this myself, so know of what I speak. I have a friend who had to leave her prestigious school and had some of the same issues you’ve posted your daughter as having. Because of some medical conditions she started cooking a lot more and has eliminated gluten from her diet. She’s really becoming quite a good baker and developing other cooking (and organizational) skills.
Hi I haven’t read through all the responses but we have just gone through an IOP with my high school junior daughter due to anxiety and depression. We found that we needed to mostly listen in our sessions and answer a few questions. I had a couple of conference calls with the therapist prior to the session which was helpful because I found out later that my daughter was lying about her family situation. I was able to explain from my perspective. I have to say that now we have been through the 6 week IOP and are now 2 months later that the whole thing was not very beneficial. Now daughter is in weekly therapy. We will see if that is helpful. Very frustrating. I do wonder about college and what would be the best situation for her.