Advice for HS Sweethearts going to SAME college

<p>Hi!!</p>

<p>My boyfriend and I go to different high schools, but we will be attending the same college next year! I'm so happy! (Note: We made our decisions COMPLETELY independently because we didn't want to influence each other's choice and <em>in the event that</em> we break up, we didn't want to cause remorse for "following" one another to college.) </p>

<p>We've been together since the end of our junior year (a little more than a year) and we still love one another! See? Hopefully, it's not just hormones if we got past the "honeymoon" phase and we've seen each others' ups-and-downs.</p>

<p>We've already set some guidelines to keep our relationship long-term, like abstinence until marriage and getting to know each other's friends and <em>families</em>. Is there any advice from current college students or parents so my bf and I can grow as individuals and STILL keep our relationship strong throughout these next four years?</p>

<p>Are you living together?</p>

<p>Absolutely not. We're kind of conservative, but we also know that cohabitation is really bad for moral reasons and for a long relationship.</p>

<p>how is cohabitation really bad for a long relationship? ***? wouldnt your end goal be to get married and LIVE TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES?</p>

<p>Sigh, believe me you don't really know someone until you've lived with them. you can love each other but not be able to live with each other. wouldnt you want to live together before you got married and realized living with him is crap?</p>

<p>Umm... Rutgers University had a huge research project on cohabitation. And it was also mentioned in my Sociology book.</p>

<p>And also, I did a personal research paper about it for my English class.</p>

<p>IN A NUTSHELL: Actually, cohabitating couples have a mindset of "if this doesn't work out, we can always leave one another" whereas a couple who does not cohabitate before marriage will sincerely try to work through the bumps and have a successful transition.</p>

<p>Don't you think you are getting a little ahead of yourself there? No offense but I know plenty of friends who dated for a year, two years, etc and still ended up breaking it off. Don't come into college with the mindset that you will make it through the next few years; obviously try your best, but just make sure you have a life and that your personal happiness doesn't end up relying on him and your relationship (I can't tell you how many long-term relationships fall into that trap).</p>

<p>O, and just to warn you proclaiming your values and way of life as the "right" way will not necessarily get you much friendly advice; there's nothing wrong with being conservative just don't shout it out as the only right path because people will probably not be as willing to help you if they feel you are going to be judgmental.</p>

<p>rite, so ur an expert</p>

<p>anyways</p>

<p>i suggest you join clubs at school in things you enjoy, and make friends. treat it just like high school, where you maybe go out on a date once a week but are not joined at the hip 24/7, ie you go home after a little while of hanging out to go do ur hw. which should be a little easier to do since you won't be living together.</p>

<p>i do hope you live together eventually tho, maybe soph/jr+ year. being together 24/7 is a little different than just going out together on a date for 5 hours. you are together all the time, and it's a different vibe.</p>

<p>Heh. Sorry about coming off as "too conservative". I'm actually going to Brown, so I really do appreciate and consider more liberal opinions. It's just that the research points toward one direction instead of another.</p>

<p>I'm afraid that we won't graduate from college if we spend so much time with one another. But at the same time, I think college dating will be so different from high school dating. And I don't even know HOW! I like the idea of going out for a nice date once a week. I just hope it won't be too expensive for us thrifty college students. HAHA :)</p>

<p>
[quote]
It's just that the research points toward one direction instead of another.

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</p>

<p>By "the research", you're referring to the one specific aforementioned study, correct?</p>

<p>Umm.. there are actually a lot of findings. I just google'd something up right now. Ten</a> Important Research Findings on Marriage & Choosing A Marriage Partner</p>

<p>
[quote]
..6. Cohabitation as trial marriage
See discussion in Claire M. Kamp Dush, Catherine L. Cohan, and Paul R. Amato, "The Relationship between Cohabitation and Marital Quality and Stability: Change Across Cohorts?" Journal of Marriage and the Family 65 (August 2003): 539-49. For a comprehensive review of the research on the relationship between cohabitation and risk of marital disruption, see David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, Should We Live Together?, 2nd Ed. (New Brunswick, NJ: The National Marriage Project, Rutgers University, 2002). See also William G. Axinn and Jennifer S. Barber, "Living Arrangements and Family Formation Attitudes in Early Adulthood," Journal of Marriage and the Family 59 (1997): 595-611; William J. Axinn and Arland Thornton, "The Relationship Between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Causal Influence," Demography 29-3 (1992): 357-374; Robert Schoen "First Unions and the Stability of First Marriages," Journal of Marriage and the Family 54 (1992): 281-84. However, living together with the person one intends to marry does not increase the risk of divorce. For first time cohabiting couples who eventually marry, living together is linked to the engagement process. See, for example, Jay Teachman, "Premarital Sex, Premarital Cohabitation and the Risk of Subsequent Marital Dissolution Among Women," Journal of Marriage and the Family 65 (May 2003): 444-455; Susan L. Brown and Alan Booth, "Cohabitation versus Marriage: A Comparison of Relationship Quality," Journal of Marriage and the Family 58 (1996): 668-678.

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</p>

<p>x_x; I feel like cohabitation is a touchy subject. I will just say it's a personal choice not to cohabitate and I will live and let live. Any other advice?</p>

<p>well I guess college dating will be what you make of it; if you guys don't have too much money you can always stay in the dorms and grab a (usually) free movie rental downstairs :). I personally never really cared if it was an actual date or just hanging out.</p>

<p>haha..have fun at brown..definitely the least conservative college i've ever visited (aside from warren wilson in asheville)</p>

<p>i smoked weed in the middle of the quad..</p>

<p>you are aware that many people date for more than a year and do not get married... right? Like... a lot of people...</p>

<p><em>sigh</em> yeah, I know I'm idealistic, but since we both want it, we should at least try.</p>

<p>Don't get too obsessed with one another. One of my friends has dated his girlfriend with two, and I swear his girlfriend has developed some sort of hyper-dependency on him. She has like 4 friends total because she spends 4 days a week with my friend, and spends the other days talking on the phone with him (something like 2-3 hours a day). Once my friend misplaced his phone, and in the meantime his girlfriend called him like 12 times, and then freaked out and called her parents to talk about how she thinks the dude is dead. If they ever break up, I think either she is going to kill herself or kill my friend.</p>

<p>So... don't become her.</p>

<p>IN that page you quoted it says this "However, living together with the person one intends to marry does not increase the risk of divorce. For first time cohabiting couples who eventually marry, living together is linked to the engagement process. "</p>

<p>also i would like to note that "a little more than a year" is hardly over the "honeymoon phase". a year...in HS no less, going to different high schools and probably not spending a massive amount of time together, a little mroe than a year is not saying much. </p>

<p>W/E. GL.</p>

<p>@Ray,
Haha!! Thanks! :) I'll try hard to make sure we're different people.</p>

<p>
[QUOTE]

sviola:
IN A NUTSHELL: Actually, cohabitating couples have a mindset of "if this doesn't work out, we can always leave one another".

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>You're right, that sounds really unhealthy. I always enjoy relationships where, even if it doesn't work out, we are forced to stay with each other because of religious and moral superstitions.</p>

<p>She obviously means that they'll work harder to fix the relationship.</p>

<p>sviola,</p>

<p>it's okay if not everyone understands the cohabitating thing. people don't need to attack your view on it. :)</p>

<p>actually, on a practical level, i know a friend who lived with her friend and that friend's bf. the gf and bf had their own room. anyway. that ended up really badly because they broke up and things got complicated from there and awkward because they're stuck in that situation. practically, there's rent, etc.. moving.. it's just a real mess. Of course, I don't think you're looking to break up with your bf, and you probably already know all this.</p>

<p>I don't think I have any advice for you.. In a nut shell, don't lose sight of your goal for being at university (graduating!). Do plan your schedule.. having a relationship is like adding 10 units to it :P Do let yourself meet new people but don't jeopardize your relationship if that's what's important to you. Anyway, I think you know what's important to you so I'll stop. :)</p>