Advice for mom of video game junkie, please

Parent Cafe
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<p>My rising hs senior s is smart, gets good grades, and is a good athlete. He doesn’t drink or use drugs. His main activity (besides participating in his sport of choice) is playing video games. By himself. And however much he plays, it is never enough. He will play 8+ hours a weekday or 24+ hours a weekend if I let him, then complain and get belligerant when he is told to turn the console off. He hates talking on the phone, and refuses to ask classmates (by phone, text-message, or in person) to do things with him – even play video games. (He’s happier playing the sports games he prefers alone.) He gets asked to do things with others sometimes, but NEVER asks other kids to do stuff with him (because he prefers sitting and playing video games on his own.) As a result, the social invitations are coming less and less frequently for him, and he is becoming more of a loner.</p>

<p>I am frustrated and concerned that his social skills are deteriorating rather than improving/developing, and that he will end up unable to sustain relationships (or even conversations) with others as an adult. Plus, I worry that a year from now when he heads off to college he will spend all his time in a dorm room playing video games rather than taking advantage of the opportunities available.</p>

<p>Is anyone else dealing with this issue? Am I over-reacting? (My father was an alcoholic, so maybe I am perceiving some parallels that aren’t really here?) Should I assume he will eventually outgrow this, and just be thankful that he gets good grades and is not out partying every night? Should I seek counseling (for him and/or for me)? Do I need to take action now while he’s still at home, removing the console or severely limiting its use so he is forced to interact with others; or is he already too old for that? (I can guarantee that there will be major, ugly, and on-going battles if he is deprived of his video console. When he’s told he’s been playing video games long enough and to find something else to do, he switches to games on the computer for a while, then sneaks back on the video game console.)</p>

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<p>How long has this been going on?</p>

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<p>He got a new console this spring, and it’s been a huge issue ever since.</p>

<p>His previous console died about eight months earlier – and I’m sure it was because it was unplugged by me in mid-game, since the kid refused to get off it. While he was without a console, he constantly played a sports game on the computer, which caused problems because we have one computer for the whole family in a public location, and no one else could use it while he was on. BUT at least there was a “reason” to restrict his playing time, then.</p>

<p>So it’s not a “new” problem.</p>

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<p>I’m probably going to be in the minority here but I will say that you have to measure the severity of the problem and it is difficult for outsiders to do that. We live in a fairly rural area. DS just finished his freshman year of college in a large city. During his HS years he was much like your son. Spent a lot of time on his computer, in his room. Didn’t have a lot of HS friends. This was not the case when he got to college and he is now home for the summer. His Nintedo Wii is in our family room and hasn’t been played since Christmas. High School was not great for him socially. He wasn’t a big partier, wasn’t into the sports scene, and was intellectually rapidly outgrowing our small town. The video games and computer gave him something to do.<br>
That said, if you are saying he won’t get off for family meals, he won’t get off the computer to help around the house, then obviously you have to set some rules for simple family harmony. AND I definitely would not put up with belligerent when he has to get off the computer or video game or whatever.
As far as developing skills for relationships later, I wouldn’t worry about that right now. As far as college and not using his opportunities because he is on the computer, if he chooses that, you certainly won’t be around to see it or control it. I think you’ll find though, that the get on the games as a group, but there is plenty of other time for other things. Particularly if he is in a coed dorm…the girls will drag the guys away from the computer/video games.<br>
I’ll just end with saying that of course, you have to pay attention and be aware of any major personality changes that could signal depression or other mental health issues.</p>

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<p>Does he go out with others when they ask? Or would he rather just stay inside?
A boy I know has very similar habits as you describe. He is literally home-bound now that school is over. Mom and Dad feel that he is not ready for the independence and responsibility of college and are making him take a deferral year. They have organized a third-world gap year for him in the hopes that it will “wake him up.” Needless to say, he had nothing to do with the planning.</p>

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<p>At a somewhat lesser extreme, we faced a similar problem when our S was about 16. We weren’t sure why he had started socializing less and weren’t sure whether to be concerned. The time spent gaming was possibly the cause, or possibly the fill-in due to lack of social opportunity - we didn’t know.</p>

<p>We were fortunate to have a great school counselor at his hs (MSW) and I consulted her. Both for her expertise wrt boys of this age and because she was in a position to scope out, discreetly, whether he was in fact becoming a loner, not socializing while at school etc.</p>

<p>Her report back was that he was in the swim of things socially at school, so not to worry re that aspect. Her take was that the “descent” into video/electronic gaming can be a healthy mechanism for avoiding other “descents” - alcohol-based parties, other substances etc. I think this can be the case and thus a parent could be grateful for the “problem” compared to others. I think it can also be the beginning of a debilitating addiction for the reasons you say.</p>

<p>I felt reassured by her report and her take on things. But I still felt it was a poor choice on his part to cut back on IRL socializing so severely. DH and I batted around ideas with the counselor on how to effectively approach our son. </p>

<p>At his age (somehow I felt that at 16 we had more clout than you might have with the older boy, but maybe not), this worked: The season for his sport was just coming to an end, so that one outlet was about to disappear and we feared he might fill that time with his solo pursuits. So, we told him Balance is important for every adult (alone time, time with friends, work, play, physical activity, quiet activity…); that we didn’t want to have to set limits on the amount of time (or the whether) he could spend on the gaming. We told him that we wanted to see Balance and that we believed he was old enough and mature enough to manage that balance on his own. That if we saw him balancing that activity with others - social, physical/athletic, more time with his music - we would not need to take any steps as parents. But if we didn’t see him striking the balance, we would set the limits.</p>

<p>The change was actually instantaneous. He started back into going out with friends in the evenings, spending more time with his garage band, etc. </p>

<p>I’m not sure if we were lucky, if we hit on the right turn of phrase, if our statement of confidence that he was mature enough to handle it on his own was the right note… The latter is why I tend to think it worked.</p>

<p>Maybe it would work in your case.</p>

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<p>I have come out of lurkdom to reply to this thread as it is close to my heart. We had similar problems with my son, and they did not get better until we sought the help of a professional addiction therapist. May I suggest, as a starting point, the book: Virtual-Addiction: Help for the Netheads, Cyberfreaks, and Those Who Love Them, by David Greenfield. Dr Greenfield also has a practice and website devoted to gaming addictions, that is easily found through a google search. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Since any number of us would probably recount instances during our child’s life similar to yours, I would ask some people you trust- your son’s coach, teachers, guidance counselor, freinds, neighbor, whoever - basically anyone who you trust and is willing to give you an upfront, totally honest testimonial…what they see, as far as his socialization with others outside of your home. That would be my starting point.</p>

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<p>Well, it would have been better to have addressed the issue of limitations and expectations when kids are rising teens, but that’s water under the bridge now. Remind him who pays the bills. I have no problem removing consoles and putting the computer in my bedroom (noone’s sneaking into my room to play at 2am!!!) if necessary. I love the idea of a deferral year in a third world country.</p>

<p>Any time you have an older teen who gets belligerent with the potential for “major ugly battles”, you have a problem. Wish I had a good solution for you. Personally, if this were me, I’d take everything away and steel myself for the onslaught. Reiterate over and over CALMLY to him that he needs to finish growing up without video/computer games. That you understand that he is upset and angry. That you appreciate that he is telling you exactly how he feels. Calmly, in spite of whatever his actual words may be. </p>

<p>Or, the two of you could sit down and draw up a contract that will let him be able to play with restricted hours. If he can’t stick to his side of the “contract”, be very clear about what the consequences will be - and be prepared to go through with it right away. H and I have done these sorts of “contracts” with both sons for various things over the years. I like this method because it lets the kid himself be a part of the decision-making process.</p>

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<p>I agree with Zimmer and I’m a psychologist with a computer-loving son. I have worried at times, but it has never interfered with his school work, extra-curriculars or social life. It sounds like the computer is taking over your son’s life, so it’s time to take action, but I’d start with a contract rather than unilateral action if he’ll go that route. Shows more respect and kids will come through if they can. If not, they need more help. There should be no more shame attached to computer addiction than any other kind. But addictions all still carry shame and mis-understanding. At some point, we’ll understand the brain well enough to understand all kinds of addictions. We’re not quite there yet.</p>

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<p>I agree with the above. I love Jmmom’s method, which I remember her mentioning in another thread (and liking it then, too). You’re going to run into issues since he’s, what, 17? but don’t fall into the “I’m an adult” trap. Your house–your rules. If Jmmom’s method appeals to you, use it. Then go the contract root if he won’t change by himself. If he doesn’t follow the contract, take it away and force him to do other activities. At that point you’d probably be looking at an addiction problem that he would need to deal with with a psychologist or other mental health professional.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the input, everyone.</p>

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<p>Slightly different take on things, but my 14 year old DS credits his X-Box 360 Live with its headphone and interactive voice play with improving his social skills. I have listened for the past year or so as he played Halo with a variety of accents and personas and I have come to realize that this is an outlet that has had some benefits. That is not to say that I approve of non-stop play. LOL, on the “pulled the plug” statement,; been there-done that.</p>

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<p>My husband and I have had the same problems with our older son for a couple of years now and have been worried that our younger son is falling into the same game addiction swamp. Our boys addictive games are computer ones (World of Warcraft and Battlefied 20something) and are very interactive with on-line playing and talking to other people. After talking ourselves blue in the face when our oldest son was a junior in HS, my husband invented a computer lock. We simply shut off the internet at ll pm. We tried some software but our son was too computer savvy and figured out ways to bypass it.</p>

<p>We were worried that our son would play computer games at college but I don’t think he did - he just finished his freshman year. We’ve met his friends and from everything he’s said he spent alot of time socializing, studying and not much game playing. Generally, he would always go out if someone asked him to, but would not call other people and suggest things. This summer he has played way too much on the computer to suit us again but he has also gone out without any prompting whenever someone called.</p>

<p>I think Jmmom’s post is a great one. Our son also did not want to hang out with people that drank and that number seemed to grow senior year and he didn’t feel that he had alot in common with the members of his class. His closest friends are boys that graduated two years before him so I guess the computer was a substitute for that friendship after they went off to college.</p>

<p>We were also concerned about his social skills going down hill but I’ve actually had a few people comment to me about how much more outgoing he’s been after coming back from his first year away. So, although I don’t have any suggestions, (we talked about balance a whole bunch but it didn’t work) I can tell you that in our case, things did improve after High School.</p>

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<p>Convince him to invite friends over to play video games with him. Sports games are no fun alone anyway, as the artificial intelligence is pretty unsophisticated. Then after he and his friends play games for awhile, they’ll often decide to turn the console off and go do something else.</p>