<p>Was able to see our D last evening and it the first time since going to college that she actually broke down in tears. She is doing fantastic averaging 97% in all subjects and loving her program but I think the stress of exam has got to her. She was so upset because she feels like she must not be as smart as everyone else. The past 3 weeks she has had no time for scocializing at all because she had so much homework and preparing for exams and she says that none of her friends need to work as hard as she does. They still have time to visit each other and go out for pizza or whatever while she feels she is slaving away. The only thing we have ever asked of her is to do her best and have never given her a hard about her grades. She has always been a person to work hard to do her best but this year in college it has hit her hard because her whole life is school and dorm friends and now she feels that because she is not as (smart) as everyone else she is left out. I really dont know what to say. Any advice would be appreciated.</p>
<p>Time for an emergency Care Package!</p>
<p>Our students love to beat themselves up, when no one else is doing that to them. Of course she feels like she as not as smart as everyone else, but she is! She just approaches studying differently.</p>
<p>She is stressed, but will feel differently when the exam period is over. Just be supportive and make sure that she knows you will listen.</p>
<p>I am not going to give you specific advice about your D. You are much closer to the situation and, as such, have many more details at your disposal than you have given us. </p>
<p>I will tell you that on (what sounds like) similar occasions my D has needed to walk away. Freshman year I got the sense that mine was in danger of a meltdown. I let her vent that time but in the next conversation I offered a mini-break. “Hey, kiddo. If the walls start closing in on you too much grab a cab down to that hotel we stayed at on the way to Downtown . Just get out of the dorm, away from everybody. Order a pizza and a pay-per-view. Take a long soak in the jacuzzi. Go to the work-out room. You can take your prep materials with you, too but a change of pace might do you some good.” </p>
<p>Worked like a charm and cheap at twice the price. Good luck.</p>
<p>“The past 3 weeks she has had no time for scocializing at all because she had so much homework and preparing for exams and she says that none of her friends need to work as hard as she does. They still have time to visit each other and go out for pizza or whatever while she feels she is slaving away.”</p>
<p>They may be taking easier courses or may be happily settling for below 97 averages.</p>
<p>ALL college students are stressed this time of the year. Her friends may deal with stress differently than she does. Instead of constantly having nose to the grindstone – something that isn’t a great way of dealing with stress – they may take some breaks.</p>
<p>Aww, give her a big hug, Dad.<br>
Most likely exam stress–common, normal. When she get through exams and has a break (soon? now?) she’ll feel better. She might be sleep deprived–that doesn’t help. And she sounds like she has very high standards for herself, so that adds to the pressure.</p>
<p>Just reassure her that she’ll get through it, she’s doing great, you’re proud of her, finals are hard, everyone gets stressed. . .she will have time to relax, have fun during winter break. (Perhaps those friends who don’t seem to study much don’t have top grades, either?). She also was probably relieved to see you and felt she could finally let her guard down–and then the tears flowed. I don’t think that is a bad thing. </p>
<p>(Also, hormones could be a factor–I know that my D has her ups and downs!)</p>
<p>Agree with Northstarmom! All of her buddies likely do not have a 97% average!! Remind her that there is a long term payoff for doing well in her classes. And she IS as smart as everyone else if she is at 97%; she is also likely a lot more disciplined. Agreed about the care package, too. I just sent off a package of D’s favorite homemade Christmas goodies.</p>
<p>Wow curmudgeon - that is such a great idea! I never would have thought of it myself. I’m going to remember that next year when its my turn (my d is still a senior in HS).</p>
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<p>I was always the “quick” one in my high school and college classes and never gave it a second thought. But when I got to law school, I found out what the shoe felt like on the other foot. I’d study till my eyes bled and still didn’t do as well as some of my classmates who would watch TV at night while doing drugs. </p>
<p>So I can relate!</p>
<p>I ended up deciding to back off, schedule study times so that it didn’t multiply to take up all of my time and be happy with the grades that I got. Funny thing was that my grades actually got better.</p>
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<p>She should bear in mind that even with grade inflation, the median is probably a B or B-. In other words, somewhere in the low 80s, not 97%. That is straight As! Maybe the friends who don’t seem to work as hard as she does belong to the category that dean Fitzsimmons describes as “the happy bottom 25%.” </p>
<p>Curm has great advice. If she cannot fully follow it, at least she should give herself a 15 minutes’ break now and then: do the laundry, go out and run, exercise, empty her mind, call home, gossip with friends. In other words, take a break from studying and worrying.</p>
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<p>Most likely, her friends DO need to work as hard as she does – they’re just not doing it, and their grades will reflect it. Many freshmen grossly underestimate the amount of time and effort needed to do well in college courses. </p>
<p>Alternative explanation:</p>
<p>It’s possible that she could use some guidance on studying more efficiently. There are resources on campus that can help with this, and a good time to seek them out would be early next semester, before things get too hectic.</p>
<p>Some suggestions - I know its sounds silly, but a time budget for some things might help. My undergrad school was very intense most of the time, but at finals time even more so. Still, we did take time for dinner, and after 10 pm on friday or sat evening, a break was called for. Of course these were very short breaks, but the few people who did not take time for the short breaks often ended up really emotionally shot. For most of undergrad and grad school, I usually found a friend or two to hang out with in the library for study/finals week. We took lunch and dinner breaks which were short, but at least it was a break, and not completely isolating. As ellen said above - studying can not be 24/7. </p>
<p>In grad school, a number of the other students had gone to undergrad schools where they apparently had not studied as much as folks generally did at my undergrad. At the first set of finals, my friend, who attended the same college as I did, and I were a bit shocked at how strung out they became. We were used to a certain rigor of study, and in fact it was less stressful in law school than in undergrad!</p>
<p>Good luck to your D, but remember, great discipline is needed for many fields of endeavor.</p>
<p>Welcome to the club, inparent. My D is in a similar boat, altho don’t think its a 97 average. She’s finding out that some kids just have different goals, like her team member who took off to party at a neighboring college the weekend before group project was due. He’s happy just to “party and pass.” And, she’s finding out that some majors/courses are whole LOT easier than others. (Intro to Excel counts as an academic course, a math course???) Some kids are going out during finals week bcos of their lighter academic course load. </p>
<p>The conclusion is that As require a whole lotta work, even for those colleges with so-called grade inflation.</p>
<p>But kudos to Curm. Love the idea and will be looking for spa-like hotels for spring meltdown.</p>
<p>From what I’ve heard(from D1) a lot of them don’t have any sleep either to maintain a high GPA, and this is for a college that is supposed to be a lot of fun.</p>
<p>The others not needing as much study time may be due to their majors. My D is in an honors dorm with lots of pre med and pre pharm students. As an Education major she has a lot more “thinking” type papers, etc. and reading. A lot less mathemetical, problem solving, equations homework. I was an English major who went to the library with my dormmates and told them “wake me when you are done” during exam time so I can relate. It may be different goals and work ethic, it may be different classes and work loads.
Great advice about the getting away for a night if you or she can afford it. Sometimes just having your own space sorts your mind out!</p>
<p>Here’s another suggestion: She’s in her first semester of college. She’s figuring out who she is, what she wants, and how she relates to other people. Her current friends are probably people who happen to live near her, rather than people with whom she actually shares interests. She will survive this, and probably feel good about the results, and next time (a) it will be easier, (b) it won’t bother her at all, and (c) she will probably have more friends like her, and she will know that her other friends will still be her friends if she misses a pizza with them from time to time. </p>
<p>So . . . listen, and sympathize, and don’t do anything. Actually, I like curmudgeon’s suggestion, too, if you can swing it, but I bet his daughter never did that.</p>
<p>My wife was a lot like that in college. She had gone to a terrible high school. Everyone else knew more than she did, wrote more fluidly, had an easier time of things. She had to work her butt off all the time, and she constantly felt like she was barely keeping her head above water. Over not too much time, she came to realize that she was doing better than all those smarter people she knew, and that she happened to be a person who liked working hard and who used her feelings of inadequacy to motivate herself to achieve what she wanted to.</p>
<p>JHS, actually she did at some point (but iirc it wasn’t that particular episode) , and it was not a real spa night …or that expensive. (The key was that she had the option when she needed it.) It was a Hampton Inn-ish type place. $120 total with pizza and the movie. For her part of the motivation was the communal living. She is a fiend about tub baths and jacuzzis, neither of which were available at her dorm.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone, there were some really great ideas given and they will be in the plans for next semester should this happen again. The best we could do though this time was to pay for her BF to go down and spend the weekend with her, get her mind off of the negative and focus on the positive. It seems to have worked from the talk we had this evening. She will be home in 3 days and will be able to relax and regroup. Thanks again</p>