From the “Anyone anxious for a SO” thread, I saw a few bad breakup stories. My daughter’s is there and it is very (last week for her, last night for me) fresh. She moved away to a new town in January for him, so she is not where I can do much to help.
So any advice, FOR ME! (I am not giving her advice just yet, they are all platitudes anyway). I know enough not to bash him (out loud, but he better stay out of my sight!) She knew the guy 11 years, we have met him, hosted him at our house, thought they were a great pair. To my knowledge her ONLY serious boyfriend, she didn’t date in HS but ran with a mixed group.
I am going up to see her, planning to go see Little Women if we can find it. The trailer where Jo says something like she is SICK of women only being for love, but she is so lonely will send us both to tears I think.
Anyone else? Anyone have a really big bandaid that works besides the old time time time?
I would just say be willing to listen, listen, listen if she wants to talk.
Build up her self confidence in other ways that don’t involve talking about the dude. Compliment her place, her job, her outfit, her attitude - anything to give her a boost.
Spoil her a bit and let her know that even when you leave the weekend, you are THERE for her if she needs to vent.
As far as any suggestions, maybe suggest this is an opportunity to do something in her new city she hasn’t been able to do yet. Join an exercise class, check out a book club, volunteer at an organization - in other words, encourage her to get out and build her life and fill her time (and filling the void).
My D had a painful breakup a few years ago - and they were living together at the time. She was able to come stay with us for a few weeks and work remotely. She knew it would be okay eventually, didn’t hate him or anything, but they had been together 7.5 years and she thought he was the one.
What was helpful for her was stepping up her involvement in stuff she enjoyed. Keeping busy. Moving forward. Her friends were amazing and surrounded her.
I can recall a drive to a daughter’s university and a couple of nights for me in a hotel following a bad breakup. I just went there to be there for her. We drove around (I drove). We chatted. I listened. We saw a few cows. I asked if she wanted to drop out of university for a semester. She skipped a few days of class, but then decided that she was not going to let this stop her from her goal of doing well in university. She was sad but got caught up in her classes and still did well that semester.
I think that you just want to be there for her. Make sure that she decides whether she is going to stick with her academic plans or drop out and curl up in a ball at home. She will most likely decide to stick with her academic plans.
Especially tough for your D since her recent move probably means she hasn’t developed strong girlfriends in her new city yet. Maybe help her plan a weekend trip to see some of her besties? Something to look forward to.
As for how to help YOU, you are wise to vent only to CC or your friends, as you never know if your D and this guy will reconcile.
Also recently went through this. Close to a 5 year relationship. My child chose to end it and has been keeping crazy busy with college. The other person was and is devastated and my heart hurts to not be able to help in any way. My child did not want parental interference, only parental support and I have to respect that. A friend recommended not letting the significant others in too close but it was too late for that advice. Hugs OP - you will do the right thing for your daughter
It’s so difficult!! Listen and try to stay objective. I’ve held my sobbing D twice over the same guy. Bit my tongue, tried to be fair in my responses and never said anything bad about him. They reconciled both times, currently together for 6 years. I agree with the other advice - lots of lifting up your D and letting her feel and work through her pain. Time is really the only thing that helps. (And sometimes, a new haircut.)
My sons both endured really traumatic breakups. It sucks. I suggest that you resist the urge to paper over her feelings – there’s going to be a grieving period, and like all grief, it just has to happen. So acknowledge and validate that she feels awful. If she brings things up, don’t try to divert her. And oddly, give her permission to be fine at times, too. I would definitely send her mail once you are home, and maybe a care package or two. It’s totally transparently trying to cheer her up, but that isn’t a bad thing if you aren’t hiding it.
And hugs to you OP, it breaks your heart a little too.
This life has a way of presenting nettles from time to time. Some pop up without warning while others allow enough notice to step aside. As painful as it is to run into the nettles, they are temporary problems and often contain important lessons. Sometimes they even prove to be blessings in disguise. Feel the feelings, and let them pass through you.
@YDS, I don’t know, she has been there 2+ months and doesn’t have a job yet. She is committed to a job search company til mid April and has the short term rental (her plan was to find a job and then give up her own place). It is too new for her to say as yet. We will support either decision, but in lots of ways the new place is a better place $$ and activity-wise.
@psychmomma over the same guy is very tough because then all I’d see is red flags. I sure hope I don’t have to do it a second time (ever!, but especially with the same guy!)
We were already sending support packages because of the move; she didn’t take much so we sent stuff left behind in small doses. And yes, it is tough because she doesn’t have her own friend network up there. Her BFF offered to fly from DC for her; THAT is a good friend.
Good advice to let her feel the feels , but when she has been sobbing for a week before telling us, it is hard not to want to make the pain stop somehow.
Absolutely, it is hard to bear. Be sure to get her up and out, even though she won’t want to go. No requirement to be happy, or okay, just company and outside can help work against the inertia of being so sad/betrayed/confused/angry. And it’s okay to occasionally, I think, say “You feel like this right now, but you won’t feel like this forever”.
@esobay - Actually there was a third time, lol! But it lasted 4 days and they hung out all 4 days (after the first 6 months) and then immediately got back together. At the current moment, they have been back together and living together for 2 years. They spent a few months apart the last time and D moved on and even dated some other guys. When she finally decided to give it another chance, it was with a very different perspective and emotional maturity than when it all began at age 19. The only way I got through it as a mama bear was to remember his good qualities that were constants, and how happy my D was when they were together. (But make no mistake, I was beyond furious and full of rage!)
It’s so hard when they are far away. I’m glad you are sending packages and will get to see her. Seeing them in person makes it much easier to really gauge how they are doing.
The one thing that came as a surprise to me was how viscerally I reacted to the breakups. I was literally sick to my stomach- as if he had broken up with me! I’m close with my D and I guess I was just channeling her pain. I can only imagine how horrible you feel at this unexpected and fresh news. I hope each day she feels a little stronger!