Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions. My husband and I are going to talk to her therapist today to discuss options.
I am not in my own therapy right now because my insurance covers doctors at our local hospital and there is a 3-6 month wait at the moment. There is the possibility of using the clinic that trains PhD students and I will look into that for myself.
I am harboring so much guilt- I was a depressed and anxious mom (not to mention controlling) and I know I am at the root of most of her problems.
Emms- sending you a big cyber hug.
Also sending you three practical (I hope) suggestions.
1- You don’t need a doctor (necessarily). You can get a referral to a social worker, a clinical psychologist, the students in training as per your suggestion. Call your local chapter of NAMI, or AA. Just having a regular appointment every week with someone trained to listen and help you reframe your own guilt and shame will give YOU a coping mechanism as you navigate this situation. And if you DO need a doctor- for anti-depressants or anxiety- you don’t need to see that person every week. Many docs are now trained to prescribe and monitor… but your regular appointments will be with someone who coordinates with the doctor but is more of a counselor/therapist. And that does not need to be an MD.
2- I know it’s tough- but try to keep the “I am the root of most of her problems” thinking at bay. First because it’s not true, second because it’s not helpful, and third because it’s not true. There has been TONS of research over the last few years on the chemistry, genetics, etc. of various types of mental illness and pathology, and most of it is miles away from the 19th century view of “it’s always the mom’s fault”. So it’s not true, and it’s not helping you anyway.
3- You know how they tell you on the airplane “Put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others”? That’s you. The plane is losing altitude. You need to put on your own mask. So set aside (Blossom’s orders) any of the guilt, the sadness, the bad feelings and put on your oxygen mask right now. Whatever works for you to maintain your equilibrium-- calling an old friend who always makes you smile. Writing a letter to an elderly aunt who taught you to bake. Taking an extra five minutes to do your hair instead of shaking the water off after the shower and putting in gel. Wearing those great shoes you love but you never have an occasion to get that dressed up. Find five or ten things (they don’t need to cost a lot in time or money) that make you feel like your best self. And do them. This weekend. The first thing to go when you are dealing with a thorny family problem is YOU and you have to get her back before you can tackle everyone else’s mental stability.
Another big cyber hug. You can do this.
^Awesome post. And contact NAMI, PLEASE! They have tools and resources that will help you greatly.
Of course your mind is grasping for a reason, a cause, an explanation…and it’s easy to conclude it’s you. That doesn’t mean it IS you. You are not Master of the Universe, in perfect control of another’s life and behavior!
If I had stopped at one kid, maybe I’d be thinking I’m such an awesome parent! Wow! Maybe I should write a parenting book! I did such a great job!
But then I had a second kid, who was so different than the first, and she struggled, mightily, and I really questioned how much or how little I had to do with either one’s personality and choices.
I simply don’t know.
You don’t KNOW for a fact that you are “at the root of most of her problems”. Different people are wired differently, and respond to the world differently. This is exactly the kind of thing a good therapist can help you with, and you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders as you lessen the times you beat yourself up on the mental whipping post.
Hugs!
If you can’t get a quickie appointment with a counselor or therapist- I got this suggestion from an AWESOME grief counselor I saw many years ago. At the time I thought it was the hokiest thing I’d ever heard, but I tried it and it made me feel so much better.
Take a file card. Write down the names of people who are making you angry right now. So we’ll start with your D of course- you have anger about her behavior. You feel lots of other things- but right now, let’s deal with the anger. Then your husband- why can’t he be on the same page with you? And everyone else who is pissing you off even if it’s not related to the family dynamic. Mean co-worker? Insensitive boss? neighbor who complains about stupid stuff? The idiot real estate agent who sold you your house and ignored the evidence that the basement floods every time it rains?
Put them on the list.
Next take a legal pad and in order- write a letter to each of the people making you angry. You aren’t going to send the letters- so don’t hold back. And obviously- you can’t get through all of these letters in one session. But start with the first letter and put it all out there- your anger, disappointment, rage, annoyance. What they could have done/should have done/might have said. Why oh why are they screwing up your life?
A day or two later- retrieve the legal pad from its safe hiding place and move on to the next letter. (If privacy is a problem, finish your letters and put them in envelopes addressed to yourself and hide them that way).
I found that by the fourth letter I was completely spent. The physical act of documenting the “you done me wrongs” was so exhausting and yet satisfying, that I couldn’t even get through have my file card of names. I took a bath after writing each letter, slept better than I had in weeks, and yet was not able to finish off my hit list.
And strangely- although my issues were still there, and my anger was still there, the perverse need to “Get it off my chest” was completely gone. And I was able to deal with the people who were driving me crazy and ^&* me off in a measured and almost detached way. Like they were someone else’s crazy relatives (and not my own). Of course seeing the therapist was helping a lot… but having a channel to direct my ever-increasing anger that didn’t involve punching someone was a gift.
And every time one of the lunatics did something new- I had the chance to go back to my letter and ADD a post script which was hugely satisfying. Like “You think you’re done with me? I’m going back to EDIT my angry letter to you. Ha, who has the last word now?”
It’s free. Hope it helps you. Hugs.
I am wondering if your feelings of guilt, however misplaced and misguided, are causing you to have difficulty setting limits for your daughter. Your approach is extraordinarily gentle. Most of us had counselors ourselves when our kids were struggling, I think. No need for PhD psychologists. MSW’s and LMHC’s are great resources. Psychology Today has a great directory online, which you can find pretty easily. I think ir is a priority in this situation.
ADHD, anxiety, and depression were described to us as three legs of a three legged stool. My son is on that stool.
What you are seeing is her depression talking…not your daughter. It sounds to me like it is time to try to force the program. She needs more help right now. The drugs, in our experience, aren’t rebellion. It is self medication trying to treat the depression. It never works.
Finally, do not blame yourself. Mental illness is a medical condition and no one’s fault. It is not a reflection of your parenting. You are clearly engaged with your daughter and on top of what is happening…keep up the good fight. And as another poster said: make sure you take care of yourself.
Update: my husband and I spoke with my daughter’s new therapist and she agrees that a partial hospitalization or intensive outpatient program is a good idea. She met with my daughter yesterday and my daughter agreed. I know it’s not a cure-all, but at least it will get her out of bed and teach her (hopefully) some coping skills.
And I am going to look into the NAMI family classes and try to find myself a therapist.
Thanks again, everyone. I so appreciate your responses and good wishes.
That is such positive news! Thank you for posting and letting us know!
If the partial hospitalization has a CBT component, that is far preferable than a psychodynamic approach in this case
DBT seems to be a part of a lot of programs these days.
The program is CBT-based. There is a DBT program as well; I just realized that today when I looked it up. But her doctor has already sent the referral to the CBT-based program.
Good luck @Emsmom1
Be patient, it is a process. Sounds like a lot of enabling… in addition to NAMI, many cities have support the groups “Because I Love You”.
CBT will be a good approach. Hope things have improved over the last month or so!