Our daughter is on medical leave from college for anxiety and depression. She also has ADHD and the term “failure to launch” has been bandied about. I wrote a post earlier this year when she went on medical leave. This is where we are now. Please be nice; I am aware we are failing parenthood.
From Feb-June she saw a therapist twice per week. She had a job and was taking a class at a local community college. The therapist then decided my daughter needed more help than she could provide (although she was willing to keep trying for a while longer) but my daughter decided she didn’t want to go back. So, we tried a couple more therapists and she didn’t like any of them. She started giving away her shifts at work and is now working one four-hour shift every week or two. She just dropped her fall classes at the community college. She sleeps until 2 or so in the afternoon and is out until 2 or 3 am. She often calls at 2 or 3 am and says she doesn’t have money to get home and can I please put some in her account (and because I don’t want my 19-year-old daughter stranded at someone’s house or on the street, I give it to her).
She is on medication and has a psychiatrist, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. There is some pot smoking going on-I found a roach in her bedroom.
Recently, my daughter started at a new therapist. She claims to love her (yet missed two appointments last week at $250/hour). I met with the therapist and have reservations. Her theoretical orientation is psychodynamic and she spent a lot of time talking about delving into my daughter’s childhood and telling me that she doesn’t know “how long it will take” and ideally my daughter would come in three days a week and we should get also get family therapy and an executive function coach.
However, there is a partial hospitalization program 8:30-4 a day at our local university research hospital where everything is in one place: psychiatrist, therapist, social worker; plus they have individual and group therapy and stress reduction classes, etc. It’s very difficult to get into, but her psychiatrist is on staff at the hospital and can get her in.
So, the question is: do we tell her she HAS to do it? She isn’t going to want to-it will cut into her napping schedule and she’ll have to get to bed earlier, plus 8:30-4 is a pretty long day. My husband thinks it’s a bad idea to force her. I don’t know what else to do. She is making us all miserable-she is verbally hostile and inconsiderate and continually takes things that aren’t hers (my makeup, her father’s earphones, etc.).
You are not failing at parenthood. You are in a very tough situation. Does the psychiatrist recommend the hospitalization program? If so, that’s the route I’d take and I’d make her go (if that’s possible). She can always see the therapist that she “loves” after doing this first.
ETA: Make sure you take care of yourself. I can’t imagine how stressful this must be for you.
First of all, lots of challenges here and I don’t feel like you are failing at parenting. Idk how I would be able to to parent with all this going on.
I’m no expert but I’ve watched a lot of Dr. Phil ;). It certainly seems that some sort of inpatient therapy is needed now. I can’t speak to the new therapist but it seems that they are asking for a lot. I would go for the smell test, if it feels off, maybe it is. Again Dr. Phil.
You have my sympathy, good luck. I don’t have any experience with these issues.
I would send her just to break the current party/sleep it off cycle. Plus, it could actually work!
If she really ‘loved’ her new therapist would her attendance record be better? Doesn’t sound like she has bought into it, can show up when she feels like it and you pay the consequences when she doesn’t. I’d much rather she wear herself out at a program than by staying out to the wee hours, you have to be exhausted too!
Here is my tough love advice, stop reading if you don’t want it. She may be depressed and anxious, but she is also acting in an inconsiderate way and taking advantage of your love for her and generosity. No energy to work or take class but energy to party? I don’t think so. Waking you up in the middle of the night because she has spent all her money? So inconsiderate. Sounds like she is pushing her limits, I’d push back.
Parenting can be near impossible, I’m sorry that you are going through one of those periods. Failing would be giving up, and you aren’t there yet.
Wishing you and her stability and improvement! I hope your husband comes around and supports you, you need a united front!
Are you sure she isn’t using other drugs than the pot? Who is she hanging out with? I would venture to guess they are not a good crowd, if they can all be out until 3 in the morning. I don’t think you can keep enabling her.
I walked alongside a Friend years ago as she and her husband were at wits end with their kiddo. They finally decided to draw the line with drugs. No drugs in the house. If you can’t comply, you can not stay here. Kiddo couch surfed and had a few rough months. Parents were terrified, but stood their ground.
This kid took his time, but crawled back apologetically, finished high school, took auto mechanic classes, worked a few years, joined the Navy, had a very serious fall with lasting concussion symptoms, and still “landed” on his feet eventually.
Graduated from college and is now a respectable, responsible worker and a supportive family man. Night and Day difference from those tense high school days. The mom and dad were devastated at seeing their child leave home (of his own choice) rather than obey house rules. It was not easy at all. But just yesterday I was talking with this couple, and they are beaming with pride over their son’s accomplishments, and his character.
There is Hope. Hang on. Do the Right Thing (whatever that is in your case) and hopefully you and your spouse can draw closer together as you present a united front to your daughter.
Parenting is hard. Parenting a teenager who is Daring you to discipline them is the worst.
Emms, you are not failing at parenting. it’s just that your challenges are a little more obvious than other folks right now.
Have you sat your D down and asked “What are you hoping to do over the next few months”? If her stated goals include working on her recovery and participating in her therapy, you’ve got a wedge to start the conversation about the full day program. If her stated goals are to hang out with her friends, get high, and spend all your disposable income on taxis and missed therapy appointments, then having a reset is likely in order (i.e. stop spending money on therapy which she is not invested in).
I think unless your D has been diagnosed with a full blown psychotic disorder, the expectation that she is either working or in school is a reasonable one. AND the expectation that although you aren’t monitoring her whereabouts 24/7, nobody gets to phone the house at 2 am unless it involves a true medical emergency.
What does YOUR therapist think about your options here?
I agree you have to break the current cycle of partying all night and sleeping all day. If she doesn’t want to do the 8-4 program, she needs to explain what she’s going to do instead. Missing a $250 appointment should cost her $250, not you.
You are enabling her by allowing her to drop work shifts and be out all night. Where is the money coming from? She needs to have a schedule, a budget, and stick to it. If the 8-4 program can establish that, good. Make a schedule she can live with. Put ‘going out with friends’ on it one weeknight and one weekend night. If she can only work one shift a week, work with the employer to get a time that fits with the program.
Sending the rescue Uber or Taxi once is good, responsible parenting, but sending it several times a week is not. Cut off the money. If she’s only working one shift a week, she’ll soon be out of money. Do not give her money, or a car, or a way to go out. If she wants to be treated as a 19 year old and not a 12 year old, fine, but 19 year olds pay for their own fun and get themselves there and back.
Change is scary, and hard work, but she needs to put in that work. What did the therapist she saw until June suggest? There must have been a reason she thought she couldn’t help anymore. Did she think your daughter needed a different type of therapy, like an inpatient program, group program, different meds? What caused her to suggest a change? Was your daughter not participating, not willing to follow a program or take the meds? If that therapist couldn’t help (assuming she was qualified), another therapist probably can’t either (especially if daughter skips appts). A program might be better.
I think this is all so much harder than a bunch of internet strangers are capable of handling – family counseling isn’t such a bad idea, imho. You are not failing at parenting, quite the contrary. I too would be making sure she gets home safely, EVEN while KNOWING it isn’t solving anything, but I would cut off access to the car. Of course, saying things, and making them stick, are really really different. I do not judge you if it is just all too much of a heavy lift.
I think the semi-residential program sounds wonderful, and I would make it a condition of her living with you (but of course, the fear there is that she’ll walk, rather than comply). “We’ve signed you up, this is how it will work, everything else isn’t working and this is no way for you to live” is a good , neutral, fact-based approach. I wonder though, at 19, if you are able to facilitate much of anything since for legal purposes she is an adult?
I don’t think a schedule or a budget or cajoling or conditioning will work. She is beyond caring about consequences or your approval, it seems. I don’t like the new therapist either
No solutions, just a lot of sympathy and validation that yours is a very difficult situation to be in – theory and ideas are lovely until you have to be the one with a child wandering the streets, taking drugs, and not coming home. There will be a real limit to what you are able to make happen, and I know that would be heartbreaking. Take a long view, take a breath, and get a lock for your bedroom before she starts taking truly valuable things.
I would not hesitate to do the partial hospitalization program. Usually, when a kid is at the point of needing this, they aren’t going to decide on their own. You will need to make her go. The rigor and the structure could completely turn her life around. At the very least, it will break the unhealthy sleeping all day and partying all night cycle that is very clearly contributing to her depression. People who don’t get exposure to sunlight hours are far more likely to be depressed than those who do.
If you haven’t already, I urge you to Google “NAMI Family to Family Class” and sign up for one as soon as possible. It really is a life-saving class. You learn so much about mental illness and how to help your loved one. It’s free and 12 weeks long. It helped me so much that I have been trained as an instructor and already taught one session.
And yes, remember you’re in it for the long haul and want to keep the ball in play, to be blunt. Having lost a young family member to suicide, I cannot emphasize enough this point.
I would vote for an inpatient program if you can find a way to justify it, since it might be involuntary or need convincinb that won’t be easy. If she is still 19 there are adolescent programs for just this sort of situation.
I once drew some lines for behavior in my house when at wits end and my kid disappeared for three months (summer). Apparently she and friends slept in the woods. Seriously. She came back ready to take meds and do just about anything to get well.
But I don’t recommend it. I spent those months driving around looking for her and finding her every once in awhile.
8 years later she is thriving but I have to say, hospitals helped along the way (3).
As a mental healthy professionals and the mother of a child with depression now under control - she had to leave second half of sophomore year. I wonders about the recommendations of the very first therapist.
No, you are not failing as a parent, kids did not come with instructions.
I have masters degree and I am a licensed professional with years of clinical practice. This is a really tought situation. Give yourself credit for getting her help.
However 1) she is not engaging in treatment or getting better 2) she may be using substances which make mental health symptoms worse 3) you need to set some clear limits and expectations in your home if nothing else to preserve your own sanity.
You got a lot of great suggestion. Personally, I would push for Partial program (PHP). The lower level of care (outpatient: therapy and psychiatrist) has not worked. If possible, get one for dually diagnosed should there be an secondary substance use disorder. I mean, you know she is at a minimun using marijuana.
If the program recommended does not have openings, call your manage care provider for referrals.
There is also intensive outpatient, IOP should PHP not be available.
Stop giving her money freely, set a budget as well as a curfew though you may not call it that.
Therapy can take some time and I do love all that work on childhood issues but right now you need your child engaged in constructive activities such as treatment and/or school or work. I would sure love to threat someone 3x per week for $250/hr. She may need therapist with a more practical approach, key words would be DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) or CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Your daughter is not engaged in treatment anyway evidenced by the missed sessions.
Also she needs to work out a daily schedule that does not include sleeping and being out at all hours of the night and day as well as some household responsibilities.
Your husband needs to be onboard. It is very simple, she is not improving and is in fact regressing. It won’t be so much that you are forcing her but your making clear things cannot continue this way and you are providing her the avenues to get her life back on tract.
I hope you and your husband are getting supports yourselves.
You are not failing parenting…but I have the same questions now that I had on your previous thread.
If she is living at your house, she should need to comply with house rules. What are they in terms of her responsibilities? Chores? Does she pay you rent? Contribute to household work or expenses?
I think you need some space. Perhaps a residential treatment center is a good idea. Not a day program…a residential one.
@Emsmom1 as someone who was that young woman battling mental health issues (still am, just not quite as young anymore), let me just say- you are NOT failing as a parent. You and your family are doing incredible, all things considered. Failing would be chucking your kid out on the street and telling them to figure it out (which has happened to friends of mine going through their own mental health issues).
Being mentally ill doesn’t give you the right to be verbally abusive to your family and you don’t have to just take it silently. You can set basic rules of decorum for her living in your house. You’re allowed to set boundaries around her life especially when she’s living at home.
I’m hesitant to recommend that you force her into the treatment program. While I know they work for some people, I know too many people who refuse to have anything to do with the mental health care system because they were forced into res treatment programs.
How is she affording the weed? I’m assuming she’s not well enough to work.
Did you ever connect with a NAMI group…which was suggested by @MaineLonghorn? This might be a good place to seek info in your area…and get help for yourselves (parents) in dealing with this issue.
The other thing to remember…your daughter is over age 18, and she therefore can make her own health care decisions. I don’t believe you CAN force her to do anything unless you get her declared her incompetent to do so.
@romanigypsyeyes summed it up well…you need to learn how to set up some boundaries that are reasonable for your family. Perhaps NAMI can help you with this…or your own counselor…or both.
Choosing the inpatient program (or partial hospitalization) is key. We dealt with several hospital environments, some of which were, let’s say, counterproductive. One had a lot of manic or agitated patients pacing and yelling and very little therapy. Some separate out the patients who are disruptive, others don’t. You want to avoid trauma.
There are programs specific to older teens and young adults/college age. There is a real social and peer advantage to these, and the group sessions and activities are geared to the kinds of issues your daughter is having. I think there is less stigma attached as well.
We are lucky to have one of the top psychiatric hospitals in the nation nearby but the trick is getting in. One tip: discharges tend to be on Friday morning so you can get a bed Friday at 10. If the kid is on an insurance plan that requires a visit to the ER, call the hospital to see if there is a bed, then direct ER staff to call that hospital for admission. Otherwise, the ER will just send you to the first place where they find a bed.
All of this is moot because I would be surprised if your daughter agreed to go. If you can show she is a danger to herself or others, you can commit her involuntarily with a “pink slip” for 3 days.
That’s how it works but not sure this info is helpful since your daughter seems far from this step. If she is doing drugs, that is a possible way to get her into treatment, but she would have to agree.
It’s very tough when they are over 18. Parents don’t have much power in the system at that point.
I would guess that some amount of parental intrusion on this daily/nightly routine is not only needed but would be welcomed in some ways by your daughter. I think that often people in trouble would only be glad to give up control if it is safe to do so. That means beginning to demand treatment and change, even though we all know it has to come from inside ultimately.
You are doing a great and loving job and it is hard to get tough but clearly this cannot go on.
Our kid was in a DBT day program for about 3 weeks and then we switched her to a DBT therapist who had a small but growing practice & ran a support group for teens, and another group for adults.
This is just our experience, and not meant to be a gross generalization, we found the individual practice to be MUCH more helpful than the day program.
Our kid was struggling, but still managing school and work, and she did not break too many rules. In family group sessions at the day program, it was VERY difficult to sit and listen to other parents cry & discuss super serious behavior problems.
I absorbed the emotional stress in the room and left both sessions and sobbed in the parking lot. That was another thing I found jarring about the day program experience. The individual practice? That particular therapist made us feel like sure, there was a problem, but it was our almost-an-adult kid’s problem to solve and we were there to offer support. This therapist made us feel hopeful.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I felt like the life was draining out of me when we were going through our (relatively minor) crisis. Seeing a therapist myself helped so, so much.
Editing to add: My H is a rescuer. He cannot stand the thought of not giving the kids money, or “helping” them. I am much more comfortable with the kids learning to fend for themselves at an early age. As far as getting a spouse on the same page? Not always possible. I found it helpful to stop talking to him about our D all the time, or getting him to agree, and just sort of handling many of the difficult decisions myself in order to keep him from stepping in. He seemed relieved to focus on work and not have D the topic of conversation day in and day out. It was hard on all of us, but I was trying to focus on what I thought would actually work.
