jgm626…honesty its the adults I see being rude and snarky all over CC, not the high school or college students! It amazes me! People just need to move on.
IMO, this is the parents cafe. Posters should post accordingly. If you are responding to post #7, it was posted by a student. That said, its funny to read a post snarking at posters for being snarky.
your kid has done nothing wrong, and has been kind in playing with this child.
I don’t think there’s much you can do now except be pleasant. I’d drop it all and not respond to anything; and perhaps take their family some holiday cookies or do a neighborly gesture in a few months to seem cordial. Dont bring it up with your kid, let him do whatever he wants with playing or not with this neighbor naturally. He’s done nothing wrong.
I’m guessing the 4 yr old is your neighbor’s oldest child – and she’s focused on his feelings so much, and maybe hasnt been through this before. She doesnt get the ways of older kids play. By making a big deal of this, she’s just harming her kid and will probably result in the loss of a playmate for him. She’s got a lot to learn; the first time your kid’s feelings are hurt (even though it was completely unintentional) is very hard for a parent, and parents can be over-reactive. (i’ve been there/done that!)
Most four-year-olds don’t have the emotional sophistication to understand or feel hurt or rejected per se, they are just tantruming at a fairly basic level because they want to continue to play. Your son is under no obligation to play with a four-year-old and the maturity level of your son seems to be much higher than of your neighbor.
It is hard as a parent when your child’s feelings are hurt. I have 5 kids and have experienced many, many bouts of hurt feelings. However, as a parent, it’s my job to figure out what’s going on and deal with it. The way to deal with a 4 year old being upset that a 13 year old won’t’ play with him is to tell him older kids play games that he isn’t ready to play yet and suggest that we play a game that is suitable for him. Another option would have been for the younger boy’s mom to stand with her son, explain that the older boys were playing a game he isn’t ready to play yet and suggest that they (mom and son) spend a few minutes watching the older boys play and then go and do something more fun for the younger child. Perhaps the boy’s DAD could toss a ball with him on the weekends?
The thing NOT to do is accuse a young child of being deliberately cruel, particularly where, as here, it seems that there is no evidence that that occurred.
My guess, after mulling it a bit, is that the younger boy’s mom either felt guilty for leaving her son alone or she’s a total narcissist and thinks other people exist merely to do her bidding, including watch over her child.
Do not respond to the email. Go on with your collective lives as though nothing happened… Because really, nothing happened. Smile and wave and pretend you never saw an email.
The four year old had a momentary snit, and will forget about it if it isn’t continually thrown back in his face.
The neighbor mom is going to wake up today and either be horribly embarrassed about the email she shot off, or she is “that mom” and nothing you say or do is going to make it better.
Either way, this silly little moment needs to flow by without further comment from anyone in your family. You already did what you needed to do. Your son is on the cusp of a bigger life that revolves around his school activities and kids his own age.
This is a real life example of that old CC advice: “Don’t feed the beings-who-live-under-the-bridge” who shall not be named.
This is a problem that is going to go away (mostly) in a few weeks, when we switch back to Standard Time and it gets dark so early that kids don’t play outside much on school days. So any difficulties that your son has with this other family will be limited to the weekends.
And perhaps you could encourage him to have other things to do on the weekends, even if it means providing transportation so that he can spend time with friends his own age who live in different neighborhoods.
When the kids start playing outside a lot again in the spring, things may have changed because your son will be half a year older.
My son was a lot like yours in that he was always good with younger children. When he was 12, we moved to a neighborhood where there were no kids his age but lots of younger ones, and he spent a lot of time with the younger kids, quite comfortably. But within a year or two, that stopped. As he got into his teens, he just didn’t have anything in common with the younger children any more, and quite naturally, he spent his time doing other things rather than joining in their activities. I suspect this will happen to your son, too.
The neighbor subscribes to the “it takes a village” theory of raising children. It’s not appropriate to expect your son to be part of that village. (And don’t let your kids or you worry if he’s left unattended – not your circus, not your monkey!)
I really appreciate all your sound advice and thoughtful perspectives. Thank you.
I’m in the camp of not fueling the flames…she wants to argue, don’t give her ammunition. I would just act as if nothing happened and wave as normal. However, I’d instruct my son that he is to not hang with the 4 year old. She sounds a little unbalanced and would never want her falsely accusing my son of anything. I wouldn’t trust her at this point.
Do not respond to the e-mail. Pretend you never saw it (maybe it should have gone in your spam folder!)
Quick question: Why did your son not let the 4 year old into the back yard? He obviously heard him screaming.
“I’m in the camp of not fueling the flames…she wants to argue, don’t give her ammunition. I would just act as if nothing happened and wave as normal. However, I’d instruct my son that he is to not hang with the 4 year old. She sounds a little unbalanced and would never want her falsely accusing my son of anything. I wouldn’t trust her at this point.”
That is probably what I would do also, however, I’m not a confrontational person at all. It depends upon what you’re comfortable with, if you want to email a short response as suggested, or just ignore it. But I think I’d stay away from this family, they have already made it clear that they aren’t interested in friendship. No cookies or nice personal gestures, just a polite wave and try to stay away. Sometimes that’s the best thing you can do with kooky neighbors.
I would definitely tell my kids to stay away from the four year old. It’s not the kids fault, he’s just acting his age. But the mom seems to be expecting them to babysit and entertain her son, and the fact that she’s not paying for it, she’s kind of nutty, and there is such an age gap, I would not do it. I’d tell my kids to find a way to avoid the four year old, play in somebody else’s back yard until the kid and mom realize this isn’t happening anymore.
I’m in the “do nothing” camp. Not because I’m non-confrontational, but because there’s really no point in doing anything as far as the mom is concerned. There will be no way to placate her, so don’t waste your breath.
And I also agree, neither of your children should play with the 4 year old. That’s the natural consequence of the mother’s craziness - let her feel it when her child has to play by himself. (And if the 4 year old is out playing alone, I’d call CPS, but that’s just me.)
I also would not respond to the email. I am not a fan of using email to deal with issues like this and really, she should have directly addressed you in person if she had an issue, rather than send an email. I would completely ignore it, because as was said by a poster upstream, either she will be embarrassed by having sent the email after having calmed down and if not, there likely is not anything you can say or do that would appease her.
I would smile and wave and just move on…
I am definitely NOT a confrontational person, and I really don’t like using email to deal with personal issues. I feel a little awkward not responding at least to say I’m sorry your son was so upset, but whoever said that it would just fan the flames is right.
@gouf78, the gate was partially opened, and both the neighbor and her son have felt the freedom on more than one occasion to go into our back yard. Our yard is sort of “party central” for our street because we have 6 kids. We have a large playground in the back yard, and when my kids are out, several of the kids on our street make their way over. The 4 year old could have stepped into the back yard at any time. My son wouldn’t have minded. My guess is that the little guy wanted the “big boys” to come back to his house to play what he wanted them to play.
It does sound insensitive that my son didn’t respond to the little boy. First, the 4 year old tends to be emotional in general, like so many are at that age. Second, we also have a 3 year old (girl) that has had her share of meltdowns. My son has learned to tune this kind of behavior out, to be honest.
I had two 13 year old boys at one time. He’s not insensitive just a young teen boy.
Okay, this is a little more complicated, knowing the details. It would have been easy to instruct your two teenage kids to just stay away from the four year old. But now I realize your house is neighborhood party central, and you have younger children, even a three year old. I don’t think that it’s insensitive for your son to not respond to a temper tantrum, it seems wise. However, with Mom next door expecting full service from your teenagers, I don’t know what to do.
Sounds like you can confront the issue, or ignore it. And see what happens next time. It’s weird that she blames her kid’s temper tantrum on your son. Most people would be embarrassed at the behavior and apologize for their kid, not blame it on somebody else.
If she is sending her child to play on your playground I would make it clear that she is responsible for supervising her own child. You wouldn’t want her child getting hurt in your yard and your neighbor blaming you or your son for not looking after the 4 year old neighbor. Basically don’t give her the opportunity to blame your son for anything happening to the neighbors child.
I really wouldn’t have anything to say in a response to her email. I would tell my son that if that child is outside unsupervised to let you know or the neighbor know so that the child is not left alone or in danger.
You could say to her that he is welcome to play in our yard but she needs to be with him at all times. Make it clear your son is not responsible for babysitting her child.
If your backyard is the neighborhood playground, do you have an umbrella insurance policy?