Advice for Problem with Neighbor

Parent Cafe
1

I would appreciate any advice on how to handle an issue that happened today.

Background: I have a 13 year old son. There are no other kids his age on our street. Our next door neighbor has a 4 year old,and the family next to them have an 8 year old, both boys. My son will often play with them just to have someone besides siblings to play with. He has always been kind to them and both boys kind of adore him.

Today, my son was outside with both neighbor boys, doing what the 4 year old wanted to do. When the 4 year old took his toys away from them, my very laid back and affable son invited the 8 year old to toss the football. After a few minutes, the two boys decided to move to the backyard so they didn’t have to worry about the ball going into the street.

When the 4 year old realized they had left, he went to our back gate and began screaming for my son to come back and play with him. His mother tried to get him to come back to their yard (I was inside at the time, so I got the story from my son and my 12 year old daughter who was outside playing separately). When my neighbor could not get her son to leave my driveway, she said to my son, through our gate, “You said you wanted to go back there to have more room, but I just see you standing around doing nothing. Meanwhile, my poor son can see you through the gate. I don’t know why you would do such a thing to a little boy.”

My son responded by saying that they were just discussing plays before they started passing, and just happened to be standing there, not intentionally trying to be seen. She just repeated her disapproval of my son’s (and the 8 year old’s behavior), and eventually managed to get her son into their house.

My kids came to tell me immediately what happened. I went over to the neighbor’s and rang the doorbell, hoping to figure out what had happened and to smooth things over. I rang twice. I could hear them inside talking. She did not come to the door.

When my husband came home, I told him, and he walked over to talk to the husband/father next door, who knew nothing about it and just said he would talk to his wife. My husband was very conciliatory in tone and tried to assure our neighbor that no harm was intended.

Five minutes ago I received a long email from my neighbor (the wife/mother). In a nutshell, she said that she believed my son was intentionally trying to hurt her son by not playing with him. In addition, she believes my son chose to stand where her son could see him, again, just to hurt her son.

Can someone please tell me how to handle this? I’ve never had anything like this happen. She is seriously upset, and I have no idea how to handle this without making things worse.

2

You don’t need to do anything. Your kid may or may not end up hanging out with the little kid again. We have had odd encounters with odd parents also of kids who are not our kids ages. We don’t all have to be best buddies, we just have to get along and wave when we see them go by. I wouldn’t have gone over and rung the bell, but that is just part of my smile and wave approach to dealing with odd neighbors. The big age difference was never going to work out for your son and that kid.
You could respond to the email in a brief (not long) message saying that you are sorry that her son misunderstood and you hope she has a good weekend!

3

A couple of things come to mind, as necessary for background…

What is your history/relationship with the neighbors - greet when you see them, socialize with them?
Does your son babysit for either younger boy? Was he meant to be watching the 4 year old, and if not, who was?

If it were me, after the 2 attempts to clarify, I would let it be for a bit until she has a chance to cool off. She was probably frustrated by the situation and in ‘mama bear’ mode.
In the meantime, I would expect my son to carry on as normal, so he should play with the younger children as he sees fit. The 4 year old will likely happily resume his play with your son the next time he sees him and carrying on as normal will be a soothing salve for this mom. Sometimes adults just overthink.

4

Wow - I’m sorry for that strife. Your son didn’t do anything “wrong” and it sounds like he went the extra mile to be kind to the younger child. Maybe you could ask if she would prefer if your son let her know next time he is going in or changing venues so that she can come out and supervise her child so he isn’t out all alone. I want to say based on my own parenting style that the mom should have been out there with her kid playing or doing yard work or something while he played alone. You could imply something like that by pretending / not-pretending to misunderstand what her concern is.

5

I feel for you. I suffered for years with a crazy neighbor. It’s frankly inappropriate for your son to be essentially used as a babysitter for a 4 year old, especially one that is not his sibling. My oldest son was 13 when the youngest was 4; at the time my other kids were 12 (a D) and 2 other boys, 8 and 6. I didn’t expect my 13 year old to play with the 4 year old, although I did on occasion leave them alone together when I had to take one of the other kids somewhere.

How you respond depends on whether you care about keeping this woman’s friendship. I would send her an email, saying that you are sorry that her little boy was upset, but from now on, your son will not be his playmate as it is developmentally inappropriate. If she wishes to pay your son to babysit for him, you will consider that (if you would, if not don’t mention it). Her son is 4 and should not be outside without a parent. If you see him outside without a parent, you will call her and let her know that he is unattended. IF your son wants to interact with the child, he can though I would discourage it. What happens if this loony tune decides to claim that your son touched the boy?

As you can guess, I really could not care less about having friends on my street.

6

I applaud your efforts as well as those by your son and husband. I would give everyone a few days, or more, for breathing room. It appears she overreacted. Maybe time will give her reflection and pause. (Hopefully)

I think time will solve this one. Best wishes for a good outcome.

7

@CheddarcheeseMN, thank you for your response and perspective. I do think a short reply is the best approach.

@Mominva, you ask very good questions. We are on “smiling and waving” terms with them. When they moved in, we tried to welcome them and get to know them, but they didn’t seem too interested. Early on I tried to engage in conversation when we were both outside, and she gave one or two word replies to my questions, not asking any in return. We brought a gift when their second child was born, and they seemed shocked. We offered to bring them a meal (very common around here when a family has a child), and they laughed like it was a crazy suggestion. After that we just went to strictly smiling and waving (not angry, just respecting their boundaries).

My son doesn’t baby sit. They are kind of free range parents compared to DH and me. She just leaves him outside when other kids are around while she goes inside, to the backyard, etc. My 12 year old daughter has often felt responsible for him and has come to me asking what to do. I always tell her to take him to his mother.

As I said, I wasn’t outside, so I don’t know if my neighbor was actively watching her son, but I do know my kids were not in charge of him. The way she phrased things in the email made it sound like she was at a distance doing something and suddenly heard her son crying and screaming, so she came to investigate.

I know she is very angry at this point, and I really do not want to anger her further. At the same time, she called my son a liar and accused him of intentionally hurting her son’s feelings. I know this is not true. I don’t want to admit to or apologize for something that simply isn’t accurate.

8

I’m shocked that people post such things on a college board or any social media. I would think a community could resolve simple issues and would not be in need of social sympathy. 2 wrongs don’t make a right but 3 lefts do.

9

What’s accurate is they are learing from their mom’s

10

*learning

11

“I’m shocked that people post such things on a college board or any social media”

Maybe college confidential isn’t the place for you then, @nitro11, at least not the Parent Cafe.

If you have nothing constructive to add, no need to read or post.

@Belle315 From your description, doesn’t sound like your missing out on much of a neighborly relationship if things don’t resolve themselves. I wouldn’t be defensive in response to your neighbor’s email but I definitely wouldn’t issue an apology either. I think you’ve been generous in what you’ve done up to now.

12

@nitro11, I am sorry my post offended you. I asked the CC community for advice because I have seen lots of good advice given to other posters. Many of the posters here seem wise and prudent in their dealings with difficult situations. To be very honest with you, I don’t always see that in my real world. I do not need social sympathy. I need practical advice. This is my neighbor. Neither of us is moving any time soon. I would prefer to live in harmony if at all possible.

@doschicos, Thank you for your advice and your kind words. The last thing I want to be with my neighbor is defensive. It’s just hard to walk that fine line of standing up for your child in a non-defensive way.

13

@Saintfan, I totally agree with you. It makes me nervous that she just leaves him there alone. Like I said, it’s so very different from how I parent. I do feel like she uses my son and daughter as babysitters so she can do other things. I’ve tried to handle it through my kids by telling them to take him to his mom if they feel uncomfortable. I guess I thought she might get the hint eventually.

@techmom99, I enjoyed your response and laughed out loud. I hate to think of her as crazy, but she does have some odd behaviors. You are so totally right that my son doesn’t need to spend any more time with hers. I did actually have that thought about my son being wrongfully accused of abuse. Fortunately there are always other kids around, so they are never alone.

14

@mommamocha, so do you think I should not respond to her email for a few days? Or just a short email acknowledging her son’s distress, and then just keeping my distance after that?

15

@nitro11, anything goes in the Parent Cafe as long as it meets the CC terms of service. That is the point of the Cafe, to have a place to post things that are not college related.

16

This seems to be one of those “no good deed goes unpunished” episodes - your son was essentially providing free babysitting.

17

Send her an email saying that your son agreed that he will gladly babysit the little free range running kid for $50/hr. :wink: Your son can use that kind of money, can’t he? :wink:

18

I wouldn’t want my son babysitting for this woman. She’s too,critical and takes advantage. It’s normal for a 12 year old to drop a 4 y o when a peer comes by. Only thing I can add is to teach older kids to return the little one to his house/parent.

19

I have been amazed by the number of snarky posts by adults on CC. Can’t people just move on if they don’t care for a thread or a post? I just don’t get that. Snarky comments just aren’t necessary.

I feel for you. My dh and I had such horrific neighbor problems at our former house we finally moved! You are certainly not to that level but I think all you can do is continue to smile and wave. I might somehow say, “I’m sorry Johnny’s feelings were hurt. Hope he’s ok.” I would do that just to keep the peace. I think your neighbor was just stressed or else they are odd or maybe both. I do remember when my kids were younger little things were bigger things to me. As I’ve gotten more parenting experience and my kids have gotten older, I am definitely more relaxed. But some of the previous things you describe about these folks lead me to believe they are a little socially odd or else just not interested in neighbors.

At the end of the day as your son gets older he won’t hang out with these kids anyway. Just keep smiling and waving.

20

@Empireapple - Agree with you that when HS students choose to read/post in the parents cafe, they should be mindful of where they are and what the parents cafe is for. Parents don’t typically go into the HS life thread and post critical comments.

As for the neighbor, you can’t reason with unreasonable people. If you choose to email back, it should be only for your satisfaction, not for any resolution. So, while its probably better not to respond because it could escalate, you could if it would make you feel better. Her accusations are rude and inappropriate. Her letting a 4 yr old play outside unsupervised borders on neglect. Your kids are not responsible for supervising or entertaining her kid. She owes you an apology. But it won’t happen. I can think of plenty of things I’d like to say in an email to a person like that. I wouldn’t say it, but I sure would think about it! Sorry you have an awful neighbor. ANd she has burned her bridges because I’d suggest you advise your son not to play with her son anymore since the mother does not understand or trust his intentions.