Is it possible that the situation with the fraternity was just one of many stressors that your son was experiencing to cause such a severe reaction? I do not vehemently condone or criticize sororities or fraternities . My child does not NEED these organizations to succeed. That being said, I experienced relentless bullying in middle school and high school
Including physical and emotional bullying , but I would not blame one incident as the cause for all of my anxieties.
Feelings of rejection are sometimes hard to overcome. I empathize.
However, the story seems to have evolved from a fantastic tale of aggression:
to one, that by my interpretation, was actually a more personalized notice the young man wasnât going to get a bid:
Could it be the fraternity was trying to let your son down easier than sending him an impersonal email?
On another note, the idea of having the greek rush occur within the first semester is a poor one, IMO.
I donât know what the ârulesâ are for frats and donât know if the ârulesâ are really just guidelines for thing like sending an email or text (because if that is a âruleâ it is only in the last few years, as before that it would have been a letter or delivered message). The college can either allow fraternities as a student group or not, but the college cannot set the terms of who they invite.
Girls donât work that way. A girl canât spend all summer trying to rush or calling high school friends who are also in the house. THAT is against the National Panhellenic rules. You said you were told by a friend that your son was âinâ over the summer. NOT allowed for girls. Girls do get a notice that they have not been invited back to a house or have not received a bid so they donât show up to get the invitations/bids and have an empty envelope. The biggest issue for girls if if they are legacies. Many tears by girls who donât get into their motherâs house. Boys have a different system, and each house may even have its own rules about bids and invitations. As I said it happened to several friends of my nephew and they just joined a different house. I hope his brothers were kinder when informing the guys of a non-bid, but in the end it is the same, youâre not chosen.
I think the big mistake was made when people who had no authority to do so assured him he was in. You said heâd lived there for TWO days. It really is no different than an assistant coach âassuringâ a recruit he was going to be first string and he gets cut from the team by the head coach. The frat may have only had room for 50 and 55 guys were assured they were in. Itâs a private club. They can invite who they want.
I dislike the fraternity and sorority culture as much as anyone. But once again, as with so many issues on CC, this truly is a first world problem. With all the genuine tragedy in the world - starvation, genocide, ISIS, drowning refugees, earthquakes, etc. - I can hardly believe not getting into a certain fraternity would cause so much angst, both for the student and the parent. What kind of kids are we as families and a nation raising if they canât understand that even after such a rejection they are better off than the vast majority of kids in the world? Yes, it is perfectly normal to feel sad for a few days, but then you move on and be grateful for all you do have. Dwelling on hurt feelings never helps anyone.
There are colleges where the rush/pledge process for fraternities starts in the summer before frosh year? WeirdâŠ
Probably the majority of college students are not interested in joining fraternities and sororities, but do not really care if others join them.
I understand the OPâs worry and fear for her child, but I donât understand why a student not getting a bid at his top choice fraternity which he had thought he was definitely going to get a bid from, and being told in person at the house, paints this greek house, and the entire system, in the terms the OP has used.
This situation seems to have created an emotional crisis for the student, which is heart-breaking for a parent to watch from afar and to try to help the new college student navigate through. My concern would be that, by blaming the crisis on the trigger â failing to get a bid from the desired house â rather than addressing the mental health issues underlying the response, the student could be vulnerable again in other circumstances. If the student has gone through counseling, diagnosis, medication if appropriate etc., then the student could be better prepared for the next hurdle which life inevitably places before all of us.
Again, my sympathy to the family, truly. My kid has a mental illness which makes day-to-day life much tougher, and I wish every day I could change his brain chemistry so that he didnât have to deal with that. But I canât fix it for him, only he can do the hard work of therapy and behavioral techniques to make his days easier.
Iâm hoping I read this way wrong. You truly so ill-wished the parents and all fraternity members so evilly? I get being upset but causing âdepression and suicideâ? Amazing.
I just want to point out that the OP was someone else other than the poster who has been dominating the thread. Iâd actually like to hear if three months later the OPâs son has forgotten all about it or gone on to join another house or somehow moved on. I think most kids are able to process and deal with rejection and I hope that they can turn to us parents as an appropriate place to vent and that we can understand the role weâre playing. People are always going to get dumped or lose out on a fellowship or make it to the final round of a job and not get it. Huge disappointments, sometimes for kids who havenât had to flex their resilience muscles yet, and itâs great that they turn to us.
If after a suitable amount of time, someone canât get over (or lessen) their feelings of rejection (after a breakup or another big disappointment), outside assistance might be warranted.
Just my two cents.
If you warp your identity around whether or not you get into a frat or sorority, you need to re-examine your life.
Mommission, your posts are a little confusing to me.
I got the impression from your posts that your son was the only one who wasnât offered a bid that day and that the other students made him shake everyoneâs hand then took him down to the basement to meet fictional âothersâ where he was physically tossed out of the building. However, it appears that other freshmen werenât offered a bid either and the âothersâ your son was going to meet were the ones who werenât accepted to the fraternity. Was he physically thrown out of the building or just asked to leave? I think that makes a difference.
What does the fact that he was in boysâ state, a member of student government, and very popular in high school have to do with it? Fraternities are exclusive private clubs. They can offer membership to whomever they want. He understood that not everyone would get a bid, right? Why did that only become a problem when he was the one not getting a bid?
I think you have two issues here â exclusivity, which you were all apparently okay with when you assumed heâd get a bid â and the way it may have been handled. I donât really understand how it happened because your posts arenât clear. He was âthrown out (physically)â or âone guyâŠtold him he (wasnât) offered a bidâ and he was asked to leave? Those are two very different situations. I wouldnât dwell on not getting into a club (or company) that rejected him because I donât think itâs healthy. And instead of wishing harm to other peopleâs children, Iâd focus on educating young people. If the policies of this organization are really inhumane, why donât you or your son try to do something about it?
What school is Mommission talking about?
@twocollegekids Sheâs not saying.
@twocollegekids She had said she wouldnât divulge.
Iâm still struggling understand the bitterness and venom a year and a half later about an incident which was initially framed here as some kind of physical assault, literally being thrown out and abandoned in the bushes, but then seems to be that student, after doing some kind of meet-and-greet at the house, was told, along with some other prospects, that he did not get a bid from his top choice fraternity, was led out of the event by a fraternity member, and received bids to 5 other houses later that evening. This was the first week of college, freshman year, and triggered panic attacks and emotional distress which student is only now recovering from.
Presumably one where the recruitment/rush/pledge process for fraternities begins in the pre-frosh summer (i.e. summer between high school and college), which seems rather unusual (and makes it harder for potential new members to choose the best fit house for them).
This thread makes me glad they didnât exist at my college nor do they at either of my kidsâ.
As intended. Students from feeder areas vouch for each other. No randoms. They didnât want him. Why would he want to hang with people that donât want to hang with him. Move on.
In the south, the rush process is started early, and girls sometimes have a spring pre rush party or weekend. Yes, somewhat unfair for those who donât know about it or are from OOS. However, then there are very strict rules about summer contact and house visits (basically none allowed). No one makes promises about being a sure bid.
Iâve always understood that sorority rush can begin sooner, as first years will often get letters of recommendation from alum etc to âvouchâ for them. Sorority rush happens quickly, and there is a lot more pre-rush research and diligence.
At least at my kidâs non-southern campus, fraternity rush happens over the first month of school, and there is spring semester rush as well. At some schools, first year students have been on campus almost a week by the time classes begin, and greek life members, who live in house or in apartments, have been âon campusâ earlier, so there is time to meet prospects before school actually starts.
The best thing to have done is refuse to participate in this nonsense in the first place.
The next best thing is to cease to participate in this nonsense going forward.