My son is a freshman at a top tier school. The rush system there is very odd - informal rush (that is not so informal) all first semester followed by second semester formal rush (that is not real - because all bids are given “under the table” during first semester). If you don’t have someone from your hometown to guide you - or a parent smart enough to get the lowdown before freshman year - you are sort of screwed - as was my son -because he didn’t understand the process (that he needed to really put himself out there in a big way as soon as he got to campus in August). By October, he figured it out - and narrowed down to 2 houses he rushed at consistently. They never cut him - invited him to their date parties, off campus events, etc. - but for some reason, they did not bid him. One of the houses told him, they knew he was hanging out at the other house and thought he lost interest in their fraternity… Fast forward to now. He is isolating himself, I fear, because most of his friends are now pledging fraternities. I have tried to advise him to join a club, try to find other kids in his dorm to become friends with, etc. He seems to think he can just spend time in his room studying - and that when his friends are done pledging, they will all be there for him again - and he can rush again. I know he is totally wrong. But need some constructive advice. What should I tell him? How do you move forward from fraternity rejection in the best possible way?
I am sorry your son is sad. That is hard as parent. My son goes to a similar type of school. He did not get into a frat either, but I am not sure how hard he tried (though did try twp years). He didn’t seem too sad about it, at least not how you describe, or perhaps he kept it to himself. He still goes to frat parties because his friends and roommates are in them (at their school only officers live in the houses.) He went to a sorority formal last fall. He is also in a club sport and spends time with that group. Overall, he has had a good experience in college socially, even without being in a frat, and he’s probably saved some money on dues too.
Edit: Oh, haha, I just looked up your other post and figured out they go to the same school!
From their annual report 32% of the guys in his school are in a frat and 54% of girls are in sororities. My math says most guys arent in a frat 
. There are as many benefits, if not more, to being an independent to get too worked up over it - starting with grades. Intramural sports, academic clubs, or humanitarian groups are where many meet friends in college. You are right to push him to join some clubs which, many times, builds closer friendships than drinking buddies.
I am also sorry your son is sad - it’s so hard being on the other end of those phone calls! Hugs to him and you.
My older son is an alum of this school (2013 grad) and a member of what is probably considered one of the “top” fraternities (whatever that means-haha). I know his fraternity does not do fall rush, but some do (at least they did back then). Perhaps your son can get that info about the house in which he was interested?
Also, he can rush as a sophomore. My son’s pledge class had 2 sophomores, one was a transfer student and the other was a kid that didn’t quite get it together that first year and decided to forego the process and wait for the following year.
Best of luck.
Thank you! I am sure I am imagining him sadder than he actually is - he has never been the kind of person to sit around and feel sorry for himself - so this should pass pretty quickly. Once he figures out what to get involved in, he will be fine. And I forgot about all the $$ he is saving! That is definitely a little silver lining So glad I found this forum - it is great to be able to hear from people who have “been there.”
Freshman year my son didn’t get a bid in the fall rush and didn’t get one in his college’s (smaller) spring rush. That fall I don’t think he went all out to show the frat he did want to join that he really wanted it. Eventually he was told by friends to rush again that spring. Still no bid. Subsequently he found out that frat brothers that wanted him in for some reason didn’t make the meeting where they voted on bids so my son didn’t get enough votes. He wasn’t sure about trying again but he did rush in the fall of his sophomore year and got in and has been happy being in a frat. Don’t give up.
Oldest son is Kind of a Big Deal with a National Frat - but younger son & daughter said no to frat/sor and did club sports. (Not counting the Engineering Honors Frats). And they have plenty of friends and numerous things to do. So, sometimes you do NOT have to pay for your friends…
I have very little experience with fraternity rushing, but I do have some second-hand information about kids of friends and friends of kids. As far as that information goes, your son is right. His friends, when they are done pledging, may well be there for him again (if they are his friends). He can rush again next year, and if there’s a frat where he is close to a number of the members he has a really good chance of being asked to join. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I leave to you.
One other thing: One of the kids I know who went through this experience was very deflated by it. He went through rush again the next year, got a bid from the fraternity where he had the most friends, but then dropped out of the frat in the middle of the pledging process. It turned out his problems went far, far beyond disappointment at not getting a bid when he was a freshman, and his parents wished they had looked beyond the fraternity thing – which really was eminently fixable – to recognize a more fundamental problem with depression.
Never understood the " paying for friends" concept. I guess that’s because it costs no more for my kids to be in sororities and live in their housing than pricy dorms with $$ meal plans … Even with dues.
Focus on schoolwork this semester and then try, try again. And when he tries again, go after the houses his friends joined AND a “safety” or two. At a school with a competitive Greek system, thinking strategically the way you would to get into college makes a lot of sense.
My son is a sophomore at the same school. The fraternity rush process there is extremely unorganized. I actually found a thread here (from 2012 I think) that really helped me understand the process. Also, my son already knew some people from out hometown, which helped immensely. That being said, sometimes there are those who fall through the cracks. This happened to several of my son’s friends. Some went on to pledge in the fall, some decided that fraternities were not for them. They were fine. If he is still interested in rushing, he needs to let his friends know. in the meantime, you are right to encourage him to seek out new friends and activities as well.
That’s not the case with all schools with fraternities/sororities. At those colleges, one will still need to live in the pricey dorms with $$ meal plans while also paying what can be $$ frat/sorority dues because the fraternity houses don’t exist or are arranged in such a manner that only the senior officers of each frat/sorority are allowed to live there.
Since that covers many colleges across the US…many students who join fraternities/sororities ARE, in a sense, “paying for friends”.
First off they are called fraternities. From an outsider perspective it seems they are far more scrutinized and are on a short leash based on events that have occurred in recent years.
For some kids that like forced social activities it is an integral part of the college experience. For many others college life is great without joining a fraternity.
Life will go on and your son if he really truly wants to join a particular house can make the effort and use his connections to try next year.
At one daughter’s school, the cost for a room in the sorority ‘Greek Village’ is exactly the same as the dorm as it is owned by the school. No meal plan required (there are kitchens in the sorority units). Her extra dues are just a couple hundred dollars and include many of her social activities - dances, parties, food - so money that might be spent for social activities anyway.
Other daughter lived in a dorm but ate in the sorority house as a freshman. Much cheaper than a meal plan. As a sophomore, she lived and ate in the sorority house. With dues, still cheaper than dorm. She’s also applying for a scholarship from her sorority and if she gets that (they say 50% of applicants do) it will pay for 1/2 her dues and r&b. Not a bad ROI and she likes it.
At some of the big southern schools, sorority dues can add a lot to the cost of attendance, especially the first year. Ask how much parents of athletes not on full tuition or in club sports pay. How much extra for the marching band? There are things that cost money at college beyond tuition. Sororities and fraternities might be extra. It’s not buying friends any more than joining a soccer team or girl scouts was in grade school.
@nugraddad and @cobrat One often hears this quote from people who despise fraternities. Are those who belong to a country club paying for their friends? Are people who attend church and tithe “paying” to have friends? What I would suggest is that fraternity life is something you know nothing about, and that’s fine, but you should not denigrate it.
I attended a bowl game a few weeks ago and spent time with about a dozen of my fraternity brothers from over quite a number of years. We just had a great time. I’ve been out of college for 30 years, but these are still the guys I socialize with. When I have friends for dinner, it’s likely to be fraternity brothers. It’s just nice if you have a medical problem to be able to call a fraternity brother for advice; or maybe you have something you really want to happen insofar as state government policy is concerned. A call to a fraternity brother can help.
If belonging to a fraternity is “paying” for friends, it’s the best bargain I’ve ever had.
Earl - Lighten up! As I posted, my oldest is a Big Deal with a Frat - I did not say I despise all frats! It looks like you not understand the Smiley Face at the end of my post - hint: siblings being siblings? I thought for sure that the “Line From Ancient History” - Paying For Friends- would be a give-away, but maybe a “comic sans” to accentuate the satire?
Also, please keep in mind that the Original Poster is looking for ideas to pass along to his son who was “not offered a bid”. So, even though YOU might be all in favor of frats - You have to admit that there are certainly instances where the frat system is exclusionary. Perhaps you could post something that would be on topic - and help out a kid that did not get offered a frat bid.
Just want to offer my support as this happened to one of my kids as well. I echo all the great advice. He was pretty sad, so my position was that I empathized and totally understood that he had a right to feel sad/disappointed, but also tried to make it seem like this sort of thing happens (didn’t want to make him feel like this was the end of the world…because it IS the sort of thing that happens:).
I did take a slightly more proactive approach than I usually would–I MADE him agree that he would join/try at least 1 club or activity. I rationalized to him that he needed to help himself, not let others determine his fate. If he didn’t even give some of the clubs a chance, he was passing up on an opportunity to find something fun and he would only have himself to hold accountable for that. He was “into” service clubs in HS so he chose to join one on campus (it was actually a service fraternity) and it has turned out really well. In addition to service they have social events and he has met some kids through it. If your son is more the athletic type, it could be something like going out for an intramural sport instead. My son still wants to go through rush again, which is totally up to him.
@nugraddad Forgive me for getting riled up a bit on the “paying for friends” comment." A lot of people say it, and it annoys me.
A good friend of mine started hanging around our fraternity house a lot his junior and senior year in college. One night somebody declared that it was a shame he never came threw rush and joined and he declared, “I did, y’all cut me!” Now, in fact that wasn’t really the case. He came through open rush and just fell through the cracks, with nobody calling to ask him back over.
So I guess the solution of OP’s son is to give it another go-round next year, and spend some time hanging around some with friends who are in whatever fraternities he is interested in. I do think being active in doing something, whether it is the college newspaper or something else, is the best way to meet people and have fun.
My younger son rushed 2 fraternities Freshman year, no bids. Tried it again Sophomore year and got in, so tell your son not to worry and try next year. Have him take the above ^^^ posters advice.
thank you so much for all the advice. I really appreciate it. my son has already joined a club and is at the gym every day and thinking about getting back into sports he used to play competitively on the club level. i see now that he will figure it out - and hopefully will learn how to have a great life without the fraternities for now - and if he ends up deciding to go through rush again, we’ll see what happens. thank you again for all of your posts and sharing of stories - it really helped ME - which allowed me to help him.