<p>Hello…I’m sorry for invading your forum (I’m not a parent) but I have a problem with a parent and I would like some advice from actual parents.
Okay so my mom smokes…which I suppose is common but honestly I abhor the habit. I tihnk that it is gross and disgusting, well you get the gist (sorry to insult any smokers reading this.)
Anyway, the worst part is that my mom hides it. I mean she walks into the house smelling like smoke and go to the bathroom to brush her teeth. The garage always smells like smoke and she does too. Sometimes I’ll catch her and she claims that she was just “lighting candles” and that’s what generated the smoke. It bothers me to no end. Whenever I confront her she denies it so it is impossible. I have broken down crying so many times (I lost two uncles and my paternal grandfather to lung cancer) so she knows the effects just as much as I do. I have thrown out cigarettes, written her long letters…
I don’t think anyone else in my family is aware that she does this. I really don’t want to get my father/ siblings/ grandparents involved because I think that she would resent me too much.</p>
<p>So if you could put yourself in my mom’s shoes…or in this situation overall, what should I do? Please, I have already lost 3 people in my life to smoking and if I lost my mother too, I really don;t know what I would do. </p>
<p>(I apologize for any grammatical errors I made!)</p>
<p>That being said, perhaps one more letter, very short.</p>
<p>Dear Mom, I love you and always will. I worry about you smoking because I am so afraid of losing you. I would feel so much better if you were to talk to your doctor about smoking cessation programs. I understand how difficult it is to quit, but maybe there is a program that will work for you.</p>
<p>marin mom: Thank you for the site and the letter format but she tries to hide it so much that whenever I bring her something like that she acts like there is not problem</p>
<p>Zoosermom: I know i know, but you don’t think that there are any other methods to try to stop this?</p>
No, I really don’t and I’ve been there. My mom was a smoker for decades. Ultimately it has to be her choice.</p>
<p>Could you do something like start taking walks with her or other physical activities that might pump up her endorphins and make her want to be fitter?</p>
<p>so zoosermom, you feel my pain
and I do. we go on walks participate in (painful!) mother-daughter spin classes, etc. But as soon as we walk in from a fun day she has to “get something from the garage” and vanishes for 30 minutes and reappears smelling like cigarettes</p>
<p>I do feel your pain mango, but you can’t take responsibility for your mom’s choice. You’ll make yourself crazy to no benefit if you do that. The answer is to tell her often how much you love her and wish she would quit. You should also be very clear that if she chooses to participate in a program you will be her biggest cheerleader.</p>
<p>Okay I will try to approach hre with more support rather than shoving statistics down her throat. Thanks again for sharing your advice from youre experience</p>
<p>Sorry about the stress and worry you are experiencing, mangocandy4. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, your mom is an adult and is on her own journey. I think you have done all you can. If you wish to write one more note, telling her that you love her and do not want to lose her to diseases associated with smoking, then do it. I would also include a plea for honesty and transparency in your relationship. As strange as this may sound, I would end it with a promise to accept her choices and respect her journey, even though you do not agree with it and wish it were otherwise. </p>
<p>I feel that lessening unhelpful pressure on adult loved ones who have addictive habits is helpful. If she knows you know she is smoking, and you have said your piece (really to help YOU, so you know you have done all you can), then there is less of a game going on to distract her from her real problem. Perhaps left with nothing to focus on but that problem, she may (MAY – no promises) have more focus to solve it. </p>
<p>I mentioned you helping YOU because my biggest piece of advice is for that to be your mission. When parents are irresponsible, and yes smoking is certainly that, it forces kids to take on this funky urge to be the adult and try to control things. That whole urge to fix and control can take on a world of its own, making us feel sick with worry about our family member. The strange thing is that something about us being sick with worry adds even more stress to the person with the unhealthy behavior, so while we are hoping to help them we end up inadvertently making the situation worse. It’s all a weird dynamic. </p>
<p>Anyway, say your last piece to her and love her in spite of her bad habit. Forgive her for making you worry about losing another loved one, and accept that it is her journey. You cannot control it – only she can. Trying to control it will only make you sick. </p>
<p>Be determined to be happy and worry-free whether she is smoking or not, whether she is lying about it or not. This you can control. Her you cannot. You can and should set boundaries, always in a loving way (future: No mom, you may not smoke in front of my children). All you can do is control your own behavior and choices. Take this way of thinking and use it throughout your life. It will apply to many different situations. Good luck. :)</p>
Amen. You cannot control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. </p>
<p>Your mom knows how you feel about her smoking, that’s why she hides to do it. She’s not the only person who does this or thinks they are getting away with it. My boss brags that her car doesn’t smell like smoke because she has a “special spray” - well her car reeks of smoke and so does she. </p>
<p>Remember the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.</p>
<p>Talk to your dad. He knows, of course, but he may be at a loss as well.</p>
<p>Sometimes family interventions (as difficult as they are) are entirely appropriate. It is done successfully with people suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction all the time. While it will always ultimately be your mother’s choice, bringing it out in the open is often a good first step.</p>
<p>My father used to note, regarding smoking, that it was not easy to quit. I never saw him smoke, but he did for a time when he returned from WWII. That’s about all he would say. He lost a brother to lung cancer, but he never really railed against cigarettes. Simply always noted how difficult is was to stop.</p>
<p>Not sure what advice to give you, but I think its much harder to stop than most people can grasp.</p>
<p>Much of it has to do with genetic propensity. Virtually everyone in my family smoked before the 1963 Surgeon General’s report. Then, with just one exception, they all quit - cold turkey - no aids, no medicine, no groups. All succeeded the very first time. The one who continued (my grandfather) died of something totally unrelated to his smoking.</p>
<p>Yet, the average number of quitting attempts before success is 10-11 times (according to surveys I’ve seen.) It is extremely difficult for some, more difficult than heroin addiction. The aids and counseling support clearly seem to help. (But you can’t get them if you’re not open about your smoking - so getting things out in the open is a good start.)</p>
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