(1) Getting your son to admit that he and his girlfriend plan to get married after grad school is not the same as a formal engagement. It just isn’t. Lots of couples have vague plans to marry in the future and change their minds as they mature and grow. That is not the same thing as breaking off an engagement at all. So I don’t think you should be referring to them as “engaged.” Just my opinion.
(2) I personally think it is healthy to live together briefly before marriage. It is the only way to discover whether your partner’s bad habits are deal-breakers. There are some circumstances in which living together instead of marrying is a red flag (assuming one or both partners eventually want to marry someone). If two people are 33 when they start cohabitating, and they are still cohabitating five years later, it is a red flag (assuming, again that marriage is something that one/ both want in their lives eventually). But cohabitating instead of marrying at age 22 makes all the sense in the world and is a sign of common sense, not a lack of commitment.
(3) Please do NOT take it upon yourself to communicate with your son’s girlfriend about his medical condition. Personally, if I were the girlfriend, THAT would be the red flag to me, i.e. the future mother-in-law’s lack of boundaries.
(4) You cannot protect your kid from a broken heart. Not possible. Trying to insert yourself into the situation will do nothing to prevent that outcome in any event.
This sounds harsher than I mean. I’m sorry about your son’s medical problems but I’m happy that he’s able to live a fulfilling life --complete with love-- despite them. It must be terrifying for you. But you can’t protect him from emotional hurt.
PS – Please try NOT to convey your anxiety to your son. I’m someone with a pretty severe chronic illness, and, despite working unbelievably hard to appear normal to the outside world, there’s a part of me that feels essentially unloveable because of my “defects.” It is very, very easy for a chronically ill person to internalize the sort of anxiety that you are conveying here as doubts as to one’s own essential loveability. I know 1000% that is not what you mean or intend to convey. But imagine if your son secretly harbors some (potentially unconscious) doubts about whether anyone could really love him because of his illness, and you start grilling him about whether his girlfriend truly knows the extent of his illness and truly knows just what she is in for, emotionally, physically and financially. I am telling you this could be quite damaging.
(And just to show how deep this goes – even though this is an anonymous forum and you are all total strangers – I feel compelled to add that if you met me you would never know I was sick. I am very reluctant to reveal this info even in this context because I feel it affects my likeability even here.)
I join the minority. For some reason, I’m not a fan of living together. If my kids did, it would be fine, and I wouldn’t be scandalized. Otherwise I agree with everything nottelling wrote. They aren’t engaged. After two years, she surely has a sense of his medical issues. It’s kind of not your business by the time they are this age. But definitely come here to vent!
Whether you are a fan of living together or not is irrelevant. They are adults. You don’t get to decide. And it is not your place to make sure that the GF “knows what she’s in for.” You cannot protect him. Even if they are not 100% certain, so what? You still don’t get to insert yourself. He may get his heart broken, or it may all work out great. Either way, you cannot prevent or facilitate an outcome.
There is only one situation that I would recommend a parent insert him or herself into, and that is if there is abuse involved. Even then, a parent may not influence the outcome and usually doesn’t.
One of my daughters is engaged and she and her fiance have lived together for 5 years or so already. It’s fine. It’s a good way to try out living compatibility and it’s been her happiest and easiest roommate situation. It would only be tricky if the couple split up and both their names were on a lease. But they would have to deal with it like adults.
Another daughter has had serious boyfriends but never lived with them. I think for her it would be a type of commitment she wouldn’t be comfortable with. She probably doubts whether or not she will stay with the bf longterm so living together in that situation is trickier.
She’s not keeping them to herself. She’s discussing them with us, which is a much better idea.
I agree that a statement that a couple plans to get married eventually is not the same thing as an engagement. It’s interesting that the OP’s son and his girlfriend have been talking about marriage because it means that they’re thinking in terms of a possible future together. But it’s not the same thing as buying a ring and choosing a wedding venue.
My youngest daughter is engaged to her long-time boyfriend. They’ll be living together once he’s discharged from the military this spring, and the wedding will be the following summer. My two older daughters cohabited with their now-husbands both before they became engaged and during their engagements. I’ve seen a big (and welcome) change in the way parents view their adult children living together before marriage. Boomer parents are less likely than Greatest Generation folks were to see it as “playing house,” as Nancy Reagan described it 30-some years ago. And very few people will trot out that dreadful “why buy the cow” line nowadays.
I agree w/romani that living together before marriage (usually) doesn’t imply a lack of commitment - it’s more a matter of practicalities (the amount of time it takes to plan a wedding, why not live together and save money if you’re together all the time anyway, etc.), or an exploration of whether the couple can live together happily. But it does become complicated if one partner wants marriage and the other really doesn’t.
I think it’s fine to have reservations about your child following someone else to another city to pursue that other persons education or job, especially if they aren’t committed enough to get married. I would have one conversation without judgment, but concern and hear the plans. Since when are parents not allowed to offer a viewpoint? Marriage, imo is the biggest decision a person makes in their life.
These Bruce Sprinsteen lyrics popped into to my head as I was reading this thread:
“Don’t worry darlin’
No baby, don’t you fret
We’re livin’ in the future
And none of this has happened yet…”
(Lived with my future husband for awhile before we were married 35 years ago.)
Living together will be fine, or it won’t and your son will come through the other side, sadder but wiser.
Express your reservations here, or to your own spouse, but keep in mind that this relationship might last, and whatever negative statements you make now will still be floating around your son’s and his GF’s heads for the life of their relationship.
Edit to add, my oldest is engaged, and I would have been happy if they had lived together long before they married, but they will move into an apartment together just a couple of months before the wedding.
Fifteen months ago my D started dating a very nice young man who lived in a different city. Both are out of school and established in their careers. Six months ago my D decided she was tired of the long-distance romance thing and arranged for a transfer to the city in which her BF lives.
For now, she lives on her own - apparently it’s soon enough to move for love but too early to move in together! - but she said that a new job AND a new city was enough newness without moving in with her boyfriend. They’re still together, very much in love, and talking about moving in together in 2016 and marrying in 2017.
I’m not wild about them living together before marriage thing either- that’s just not how I’m built! But at the same time, I wasn’t thrilled about the transfer, especially since the move meant she was even further away from her parents (hmmmm. Was that the point?)
What saved me - and our relationship - was open communication. We talked about everything: my feelings (some of which were ridiculous, in retrospect), her feelings, her worries, her reasoning, her logic…Notice that most of those were “her.” Although I was honest about my feelings and concerns, I was mostly her sounding board as she worked things through. We’ve always been able to talk things out (well, except for when she was in middle school), and of course I know what the boundaries are - she’s an adult, it’s her life. I’m happy that she still chooses to keep me in it as a friend as well as her mother.
If you can talk with your son openly about your concerns without sounding blame-y or crazy, then I say the best thing is to talk to him, but not to her. (And if you CAN talk without sounding blame-y or crazy, let me know how you do it. I can always use extra pointers!)
Add me to the list. While I would never voice my disapproval or objections, I would prefer that they at least have a commitment before living together. My first son did not live with his wife before marriage. But dated for eight years. Kind of had to, they were only 16 when they met. Have not been married for 8 years with two kids. Yes. Not living together can work out just fine. I also did not live with my spouse. It’s now been 38 years.
Second son and wife did live together but only after becoming engaged. Now five years married with two kids.
Third son is the only one who lived with a girl without being married. That didn’t work out so well since after two years she said marriage or out and he chose out.
All irrelevant though because it’s THEIR decision to make. I would, if anything, speak to my son about whether she is aware of everything but under no circumstances should you grill her. And smile, nod and pretend this is the most wonderful thing ever.
Something to think about (and I mean this in the kindest way - and found myself thinking this way too when my S said he and GF/Fiance were going to get an apt together after they got engaged)…be honest and list the reasons you are uncomfortable or against living together before marriage…
Religious beliefs?
What will other family members/friends say???
How will I tell Grandma?
Living together is “permission” for a sexual relationship?
and…???
Also think about if living together makes “good” sense for this couple.
As Romani said, weddings are expensive - does it make sense to pay 2 rent for two places as opposed to one? (as opposed to one when one apt is going to remain empty much of the time because the couple WANTS to be together??)
Shortly after my S and his GF/Fiance moved in together, her mom was encouraging them to get a pet. I’ll always remember these words of my S’s GF - “we need to learn how to take care of ourselves and our relationship well before we add any other living thing to our home” - hmmm…those were really wise words to me!!!
As far as the sexual relationship - well, depending on the situation, really, is this something to even be a concern? In some ways, living together is an early step to learning that while sex is important, it is NOT (or should not be) the "all " of a relationship.
Accepting these type of decisions - even if they are not your most favorite decisions - are part of the letting go and growing up and apart (in a healthy way) process.
OP here – to answer @abasket, my reservations are purely about commitment, and the worry this lack of formal commitment is a harbinger of problems. I see that doesn’t necessarily mean a thing. I am sure I’ll have the chance to talk to him over the holidays, and we have a pretty straightforward and honest relationship; I think he would be open to questions founded in concern for their future if I can not be an inadvertant jerk. And as mentioned, we do like the gf a lot, but that’s more of an added bonus, not a requirement.
Grandma won’t like it , but she doesn’t get a vote and has 3 other sets of grandchildren who have cohabitated (one is married now, one is permanently engaged, one fell apart at the seams) so it’s hardly a new thing. Their sexual relationship is waaaaaay not my business. Religious beliefs are theirs to square with God, not mine.
He did mention this living together as their “perfect world” scenario, which implies that if he were offered a great job elsewhere, they’d have to decide what to do. But he has to look for a job somewhere, and he loves her, so why wouldn’t he start where she will be? I think that’s what we’d want for him, someone to love, and a way to be together. Maybe my general grief at his leaving us geographically is bleeding into the rest of it.
I meant that it’s not relevant to the son’s and GF’s decision.
Something to keep in mind is that we parents think we know everything or a lot about our kids. But really we don’t. They have an entire life outside of us that we know very little about. Our relationship with our kids is just one small piece of their life.
In the OP’s situation, living together sounds reasonable to me. For me it’s not a big deal in terms of morality … doing random hookup with different partners is what would bother me.
Coming at this from a different angle, breaking up when you live together has logistical/lease complications. It’s not a great idea for mildly committed couples.