At family gathering, DH overheard DS telling a relative that he and the gf plan to move to wherever she goes for grad school (most likely Chicago) and intend to marry when she’s done. When we were home, DH asked whether this was in fact the plan, DS said yup. This was not a huge surprise, but hearing it is different than guessing it.
We have lots of questions, but want to be respectful of them as a couple. Did you ask questions? Do I just shut up? I confess I am bothered by cohabitating, not on morality but if you love someone enough to want to live with them, but not permanently promise to, is that a red flag? I feel…wary. And yes, I get that is a progression of degree. And we married straight outta school so I have no basis of comparison.
One example of a question: DS has many medical issues – is gf committed to that road? is it out of line to draw a picture of what she may be in for and ask if she’s ready to stick with it? They have been together 2 years, he is her first serious relationship and she is his second. They will get their BS degrees in June. She is smart, beautiful, ambitious, — she is a keeper, to be sure. I am taken aback by the strength of my desire to give her a polygraph, though!
Does this call for an “almost congrats?”
In my opinion, you need to MYOB for now. If they actually do get engaged, or are very close to it, then you may want to ask HIM some questions, such as “Is she aware of your medical conditions…?” If you start in heavy now, he may be much less likely to share more in the future.
The vast majority of people now live together before marriage.
I can only speak as the child in this situation, whose mother-in-law did not approve of us cohabitating when we were just dating but was much more supportive after we officially got engaged (still didn’t like it but all of her sons did it so I think she’s over it…). Cohabitation was, for us, like an engagement but we were only 20 and not ready to set a date yet.
I was literally in the exact same situation as your probably future-DIL. I am Mr R’s first serious relationship (he is my 2nd) and we were together about 2.5 years come graduation. He followed me to grad school and was perfectly ready and able to go wherever (though was admittedly very happy we stayed in state). We waited to marry until I was done with grad school (ha! I thought I was done…) because planning a wedding during undergrad just didn’t seem to be the right timeline for us.
Regarding health issues- if they’ve been together for 2 years, I’m sure she knows. In this respect, I’m in your S’ place. I have a lot of health issues and Mr R and I talked extensively about them before marriage- including the fact that I wasn’t comfortable having bio kids if it turned out that my conditions were inheritable.
IMO, no, you don’t bring up questions like that. But I am coming from a place of someone who was grilled by a MIL who doesn’t much care for me. And yes, I do absolutely think it’s out of line to draw a picture of what she may be in for. Now, if you want to talk to your son about it, that’s a different story. He should inform her of what she’s in for if known.
Again, I only speaking as the “kid” in this situation but I think it’s important to have the perspective of a young person here
No, it’s not a red flag, despite your unfounded opinions. And if you really want to be respectful, you will walk yourself back from polygraph comments, even just in your mind, ASAP.
Also, you might ask yourself why you needed to overhear him tell another relative before yourselves. Be really careful about over-reactions which might trigger his wariness to share.
My D1 is co-habitating with her BF who she has been with since freshman year of college. They are 25 now. I am quite sure they will eventually marry. I have no issue with it, he has every quality I would hope for in a husband for D1. We just don’t tell the grandparents, and it is all good.
You need to let them be. My dd is engaged and lived with her boyfriend overseas for a year and they are still living together. Wedding is to take place in 2017. It is their business. They are both adults. As for his health, I am sure she knows as they are living together. I, personally feel that it makes more sense to live with someone before marrying than not to. True confession: I lived with my dh for over a year before marriage, 33 years ago.
I have no objection to cohabitating, per se, and I do know it is common. Just not sure if it means someone has reservations, and know I can’t be asking that. I have zero experience here.If they said they were both moving to Chicago but living separately we would have been puzzled.
He didn’t tell us directly because he assumed we knew. Apologized for not having realized we might not be sure without being told. Health issue is also financial — she will have loans (he has none) — and his medical costs are staggering. But reading all of these excellent replies, I think what I really am worried about is that it won’t work out, and he’ll be heartbroken — and a wedding ring is certainly no guarantee against that. So yes, semi-congratulations to us!
OP, my middle of three, a son, got engaged this past July and he and his GF of 5 + years then moved in together shortly after that. While in my mind, I had an inkling of wishing they would not move in till they were married, I realized talking to my son that in his mind, it was “really important” to be engaged before they moved in together. So, he had thought things through and to him, that was the degree of commitment - waiting until they were engaged. I respect that.
Since they have moved in together, I have to say that really when I think about it, they are getting a true picture of what marriage will be like - and if they can handle it. With so many divorces, I think this is really important.
My S and his GF, now fiance, dated though the last year of high school and all 4 years of college - 3 hours apart - AND one year’s time out of college where they both lived at home to save some $$$ - who I am to “judge them” on living together?! They stood a test of time and dedication to each other through an entire bachelor’s degree and took some time to get on their feet. What more could I ask for?!
Most people come with some baggage - be it health issues, family issues, emotional issues - whatever. The “rehearsal” of being married, is not that bad an idea!
I do not think people cohabitate because of reservations about marriage. And, in fact, the data doesn’t support that. (I accidentally took a whole grad class about cohabitation. It was called Families & Inequalities but we just studied cohabitation shrug.) They cohabitate because weddings are expensive and take time to plan. Plus, my generation has a really hard time finding good paying jobs so lots of things are put off. Cohabitating is a great way to save money.
I’m going to be honest, and I’ve said this on here before, nothing changed for us when we married. It’s like we’ve been married since we started living together. The only difference was that he was added on to my health insurance so we saved some money that way
My then-boyfriend, more than 30 years ago, suggested that we live together because it would be “easier.” I was reluctant, not having even had a boyfriend before, much less lived with a man. But I agreed, thinking, perhaps correctly, that this was my one chance at a relationship and eventual marriage. He never told his parents we were living together, because he was (and is) afraid of his father. Things have not worked out well. I would have liked it if someone had said, “You know, you don’t have to get married just because you’ve lived together.”
I lean more along these lines than other posters so far, so I thought I’d let you know you’re not the only one with reservations. My oldest daughter and (now) husband didn’t live together before marrying. I have no idea if it came up or not.
My youngest daughter is somewhat wary of cohabiting because a friend who lives with her boyfriend has wanted to marry for a while. The couple has lived together 5+ years. He keeps delaying. We all think they will marry. Still it’s hard to watch one so ready for a permanent commitment and the other not.
Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but legally marriage is mainly a financial arrangement, right? It’s not illegal to cheat on a spouse and other such things, so unless people attach religious/moral meanings and such to it (which varies by the family and couple, obviously), it’s not “that” binding of a commitment.
I have a friend whose daughter moved to a big city for med school and along went her bf who had been her bf since high school. However, they both made different living arrangements. He roomed with a group of guys who were all former business or econ students working in business-type jobs and she rooms with a med student. The bf seems absent from both my friend and her daughter’s facebook pages lately, so not sure what happened there.
I don’t think it’s a red flag. Not in this generation. It’s more of an expected step in the evolution of a relationship.
I would be uncomfortable if either of my kids married someone they hadn’t lived with. You learn a lot about people by sharing a bathroom and kitchen with them.
[Full disclosure: One of mine (mid-20s) is living with a partner, and that’s fine with me.]
I have known people who lived together and realized that they weren’t right for each other. IMO Better that they find that out before they get married. Where I would get concerned is if they were to buy a house or condo together without being married… That could end up getting really messy if they decided that they didn’t want to get married.
