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<p>Really? I don’t find it amazing in your friend’s case at all. When people go to counseling and do nothing to change, then counseling does not help. That has nothing to do with the quality of the therapist. </p>
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<p>The counselor is correct. Your friends are enabling their daughter and so they are ensuring that the daughter’s behavior will continue on its current path. There is such a thing as “loving” someone to death. Part of what makes this so sad is that if the parents had done the right but difficult thing a long time ago, the daughter’s behavior would probably have not gotten to this stage.</p>
<p>We’ve always told our son, “We’ll do anything in our power to help you but do nothing to hurt you.” It’s the easiest thing to say and the hardest thing to live but I also believe it’s our most basic responsibility as his parents.</p>
<p>Pugmadkate - I don’t understand what you’re saying my friend should do at this point? Not pay for college? I’m not saying that in a sarcastic way - just wondering what they can do to change the path they are on. I think it is very hard to let a daughter put her life and health at risk and do absolutely nothing, especially at this point when the parents still have some financial leverage in the form of college tuition.</p>
<p>The girl sounds like she has an addictive personality - to sex and food, certainly. I would suggest admitting her to a good rehab facility - where there is specialization in this area, rather than in substance abuse. Are you certain there is no substance abuse involved? Usually these behaviors overlap. She needs more intervention than weekly sessions - a full, comprehensive evaluation and appropriate care may help.</p>
<p>I’m no expert, but would like to chime in. It sounds like your friend’s daughter has insecurity issues. She is looking to men for validation that she is desirable and that she is worthy of attention. Does she have a loving relationship with her father?</p>
<p>Instead of dreading it, perhaps your friend could use the summer to help her work on her weight issues. I think that if she is able to find some confidence, she will not need to look to the outside world to feel better about herself.</p>
<p>I’m with gourmetmom. It sounds like this kid is hard-wired for addictive behavior. If she would agree to a rehab stay over summer break, it would help her with multiple issues. However, no one should go into this kind of stringent program without a thorough investigation and recommendation from a psychotherapist.</p>
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<p>What they are doing is not working. Their “leverage” is not effective because their daughter knows there is no bottom line with them. For example, using leverage means saying and meaning, “We found this program for young women with your issues. If you go, we’re with you 100%. If you won’t go, we’re cutting you off financially as we refuse to finance your self-destructive behavior.” </p>
<p>If these we’re my friends, I’d encourage them to attend Al-Anon meetings and find a counselor for themselves who specializes or at least has a lot of experience with enabling.</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone here can really advise the next step because this girl’s issues and her relationship with her parents is so extreme that it is beyond simple counseling. There has got be so much more that we are not hearing- why would the parents supply her with a phone, with transportation (at least when she is home- I don’t know if she has a car at school), with any money, etc. Her behavior is so far off the norm that she obviously needs intervention or she will be dead (by disease or murder) soon. I can’t imagine sending her away for school. It sounds like she totally controls her family and that they need heavy counseling to deal with her behavior. It does sounds like the typical signs of abuse, although I am certainly no expert. If this family doesn’t take drastic action soon, they will lose their daughter, although it really sounds like they already have for the most part. I think the OP said they have another child at home and even if that child is not also having obvious problems, this whole scenario has to be affecting that child also.</p>
<p>My friend has done everything she can to get her D help - including paying for private counseling with three different counselors. So far, neither my friend nor D can identify any abuse and there is no evidence of substance abuse. D has a great relationship with her father. This D is charming much of the time and connects with her family on a lot of issues. I think my friend has always hoped that by providing her with “normal” parameters, that she would learn to adapt to a “normal” lifestyle. D has always been convincing that she would change her ways, but then new evidence comes to life. D has a secret life and usually is pretty convincing that she is “doing nothing wrong” despite the facts and evidence the show that she is clearly doing a lot wrong. At this point, my friend has decided to tell D that she needs to be consulted by a psychiatrist in order to live at home this summer. D’s behavior is so far outside the range of normal and rational reaction to it has not worked. The advice of CC readers, has been very helpful to my friend and she has begun to realize that her D needs much more help than a loving parent can give her. My friend’s greatest hope is that one day her D will be back and she can have the mother/D relationship she sees all around her. D is currently not speaking to friend and at this point, she is paying out the rest of the semester and will make a decision about school next year over time. My guess is that her D will not come home this summer and things will get worse before they get better.</p>
<p>Is the mom thin? I ask, because this girl sounds like an extreme version of one of Ds friends in middle school. Also, heavy and always on a diet. She was a little too flirtatious, even at age 10. It got worse in 7th grade. Her parents got her counseling and it helped. She once told D and a few of her friends, she liked the counseling because she was able to talk about how much so hated the fact her mom was thin and anorexic. I dont know if the mother was anorexic but she was very thin and always at the health club. It didnt help that her mother shopped and wore clothes more suited to teens.</p>