<p>I have a friend who is 71, a woman, who is becoming increasingly less mobile. She drives ok, uses a wheeled walker. I am not sure how to best help her although I’ve tried a number of things. She has issues but primarily she appears to have a bad case of spinal stenosis, confirmed by an MRI. She is hunched over, has some pain, & is now becoming incontinent. She is on public assistance, uses county health services & her doctors just tell her to lose weight and then hand her a slug of drugs. I know, because I went to the doctor with her. The list of problems: Type II diabetes, ADD, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, depression, pain, all of which she take meds for. She’s a binge eater. I’ve known her for about 4 years now and she is steadily declining physically… She sleeps a lot, watches TV, calls friends. She’s lonely, depressed–I think it’s a vicious circle.</p>
<p>She has a nephew who comes by once a week or 2 to help with some laundry or housekeeping–he lives about 40 min away. I work and have my own family and do what I can which isn’t much. Her financial situation is dire yet her income (abt $1000 mo) is over the threshold for qualifying for free services like grocery shopping or light housekeeping. Her apt. has an upstairs–I think she is one fall away from disaster. All of the things that I have respectfully suggested (evaluating her spending to allow for paying for services, moving to a one story apt) have gone by the wayside so I get the feeling she really isn’t capable of making changes. She hoards thrift store purchases, newspapers, magazines, books…all piled up in her apt. I tried to help her sort and toss–she can’t let go. She has a small dog and cat–treats them well but there are problems there because she can’t keep the dog on a regular schedule for proper house training or exercise and any vet bills are disastrous.
Help.</p>
<p>Dear JRNMom~What a dear person you are to notice. Humm…what you describe seems like a person no longer engaged in living. Does the medicine have the name of her Doctor? Can you contact that person, and relay what you have observed? Does she have siblings nearby?
Hopefully one or both of these ideas will help her.
\APOL</p>
<p>What a blessing for her to have someone like you in her life. The situation you’ve outlined is a real mess. Though her most immediate physical issue may be the spinal stenosis (which is hard to improve, even with good treatment), I think the primary problem could be mental illness. The hoarding, depression, and binge eating make me think OCD? Even people with means and an extensive support system would have difficulty fixing this situation. </p>
<p>I don’t think she can be rescued, though, unless she does most of it herself. I work with seniors. Very few 71-year-olds are frail or helpless nowadays, and they can still help themselves to a considerable degree. Though her physicians may seem uninterested/unhelpful in “just” telling her to lose weight, and then handing her “a slug of drugs,” the fact is that her back pain would probably decrease if she did lose weight - and her hypertension, high cholesterol, diabetes, and possibly the depression would improve somewhat, as well. You say she has mobility issues. Can she sit in a chair? Can you set her up with a TV/DVD player and a chair exercise DVD (“Sit and Be Fit” or chair yoga)? This may sound minor for someone with such profound problems, but exercise is vitally important to seniors and it’s never to late to effect some improvement.</p>
<p>You say she’s on public assistance. There should be city, county, and state services and resources available to her. It’s bewildering to navigate senior resources; in our county, a social worker would be assigned to this woman, make occasional visits, and inform her of whatever options there are. You could help her by checking out municipal services online, and by contacting local senior centers and churches. A church in our area provides extensive free services to seniors, even those who are not church members, as part of their ministry. </p>
<p>I know someone very much like this who is about 10 years younger. Her life stinks, but she has made it that way, and she has resisted making meaningful changes when people who care about her suggest them. I don’t mean to sound heartless, but I don’t know how much your friend’s life will ever improve unless she takes steps to make that happen. A public long-term care facility is likely to be in her future. Sad story.</p>
<p>It sounds like what she needs most is psychological therapy. She’s depressed, inactive, a binge eater, overweight, is diabetic, and has body support issues that the weight will only exacerbate and will cause less mobility, high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc… She’s also a hoarder. </p>
<p>The docs are right - she needs to lose the weight and then some of the other issues will go away but to she might need a therapist to get to the bottom of the weight issue. I think the focus should be on reversing the decline or else it’ll all just get worse despite the assistance in helping her by being her crutch. Is there any way her nephew, you, or someone else can convince her to go to a therapist and maybe find a good one and driver her there? If she won’t change her eating habits it’ll probably end up killing her (sorry to be blunt).</p>
<p>Regarding some of the household issues, do you have a Catholic Charities around? They might have some resources for you.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, at 71 years old, she has habits that were probably established decades ago, and they are just getting worse as she ages. I’m not saying she can’t change, but as frazzled says, she really has to want to change. And it would be very frightening for her at her age… lots of defense mechanisms in place. </p>
<p>As outsiders, it’s so hard to watch someone make these destructive choices. All you can do is listen for opportunities in your conversations with her that suggest she is willing to pursue help for her illness(es). </p>
<p>I also agree that a long-term facility that accepts public aid patients will likely be in her future. My bet is that the spiral will begin with a fall, and when she is taken to the hospital, they will not release her to her home.</p>
<p>All of you, thank you for your thoughtful, knowledgeable responses. My friend…she does recognize she has issues and she has had years of counseling. She prob is OCD and she does have some personality quirks that require patience. My sense is that she is unable to face her future; she will listen and agree but not do anything to help herself. We had THE TALK a couple years ago about her moving to a place that is more conducive to her needs (no stairs, safer area, better support, some meals). Put the application in and sure enough, 2 years later an opening came up “suddenly”. She has all kinds of reasons for not doing it. Too small. Too expensive (not really). Not great for the dog. I will read through all of your posts again and draw up a plan from your excellent suggestions. She needs social interaction–she is isolated.
I do agree-- I think when she falls, that will be it so best to do what she can to hold that off as long as possible.</p>