Slight drift: high school classmate of D19 is at UCSB. She says: pro of going there - you can go to the beach after school every day! Con of going there - there’s nothing to do but go to the beach after school every day!
I suggest having a discussion with her about your strong concerns in a way that helps her think through potential consequences of different choices. I allowed my S20 to choose a school across the country which was definitely not what I wanted for him, but I understand why he chose it.
If it’s not a cost issue, you let her make her own decision.
90 miles away is a non-issue in my opinion. I very much agree with @SJ2727 and @privatebanker . I think you’re trying to justify what you want in the context of the pandemic. This situation isn’t going to last forever. UCSB is a great school. And there are worse things in life (LA smog among them) than being at the beach.
@gratefulmama While she may be not upset for more than a day at minor setbacks, this is a MAJOR DECISION. For many kids, it is supposed to be the first major decision they make in their lives. It will determine where she spends the next four years of her life, as well as who she meets and is friends with her for the rest of her life, and could end up shaping her major/career choice as well as her personality (the culture of a college often impact the personality of an attending student as this culture is molded into them during an essential period of emotional growth, as it is the first time they are living without their parents). If you force her to attend UCLA and it doesn’t end up working out, it could cause some tension between you and your daughter for a long time. Also, what is the problem with her living off-campus at UCSB? Many students live off-campus, and it seems to me like they will be hybrid in the fall; UCLA actually said regardless of whether they operate fully online or on a hybrid model, they still will bring students back to campus as long as it is legal.
I don’t have an issue living off campus, I have an issue signing a year lease with the threat of a 2nd wave possibly closing in person classes down. I’m paying for a lease for my older D now while she is at home. That lease was suppose to be sublet during the summer but that won’t happen now that summer classes are online. If she were living on campus, this would be a non-issue as the school would provide a refund.
If my D decides on UCSB and is not one of the lucky few that gets on campus housing, she will live at home and take classes remote. As of now, the UCs are not guaranteeing housing all year. If my D doesn’t get housing in fall, it’s highly likely that she will live at home (not the beach) her entire first year. Of course, that is unknown today but a risk she will be taking either way.
I agree it should be her choice. I also agree that it is a major decision that may impact her future. While she could blame me for stepping in if something goes wrong, she could just as easily blame me for not stepping up.
We have a good relationship and have discussed the pros and cons of each school. I’m trying to give her space to let both options sink in and research the programs/offering in more detail.
Thank you!
I think it’s really great that your D can articulate that she emotionally prefers UCSB and logically prefers UCLA.
If you are convinced she has heard your arguments for UCLA, I would approach the rest of the discussion with her in a way in which you ask questions that help her clarify her thinking. Not just “what would my class schedule look like at each and how do I feel about that?” and “what is the best outcome at each as well as the worst?”, but also “if things don’t work out at the one I choose the way I hoped, how can I not go back and regret how I have approached this decision making process?”
It is a big decision and while it is tough, it’s good that she is taking it so seriously.
Tell her she will need to pay you back if you have to pay for the lease. If she wants to be treating like an adult and make her own decision, she can also pay for the lease when she is able to. This will help her determine how important it is to her.
I graduated from UCSB back in the day. I know a couple of people who transferred from UCLA to UCSB because they were unhappy as young people with the overwhelming size of UCLA. It’s enormous, and it’s not like UCSB is small. I also knew people who transferred from UCSB to UCLA. They were mostly happy enough at UCSB but, (very practically) wanted the greater name recognition beyond the region of a degree from UCLA. I think they are both good schools and the education is very comparable, the student life vibe is different. IV can be a little claustrophobic for some after a couple of years, whereas when you’re a freshman it’s probably more fun than the UCLA experience. Generally, I would let her do what she wants. People are generally happier where they think they will be.
My daughter lives 1.5 hours away. It’s actually like the perfect distance Both are good schools. Let her pick. We did that with our kids when finances were the same. Both stayed at school in their apartments. Can she live in an apartment as a freshman? This way she doesn’t have to come home. My kids came home and went right back a week later… Lol. Best decision they made for themselves. College is a 4 year commitment not just the fall season. Go to the one she has a better fit for if that is her direction. If she truly doesn’t care then you have the upper hand. The one that pays for college usually has the say. But there is value in your students making decisions also. I am not into saying she has to pay for room /board as a threat if they go online. That to me is not really fair.
Pro /con lists do help.
Or, it can be seen as financially blackmailing the child so she does what the parent prefers. Again, if the parent doesn’t want her to “make her own decision” then this should just be stated upfront.
Valid perspectives that offer me a lot to think about. Thank you!
I do want it to be her choice but I want her to make that choice for the right reasons. She herself has said she is conflicted emotionally and logically.
We would not sign a lease for off campus housing at either school this coming year. We are currently doing that for our junior, who is home while we are stuck paying rent. If it comes down to UCSB, my D will have to accept the risk of remote courses if housing isn’t offered. That much has been made loud and clear. It’s not a punishment or threat.
Somewhat similar situation here but 1 instate school and 1 OOS. IS school has a national reputation and has offered a full tuition scholarship but is massive in size. OOS school is within the budget but is not the state flagship and has more of a regional reputation but is half the size of the IS school and “feels right”. She understands the risk of online at both schools. We let her choose. It is her college fund to spend, or not, as she sees fit. It was really hard to see her let that full tuition scholarship go with all the uncertainty in the economy right now but these kids have lost so much this year. They NEED to feel some control over at least something in their life. I say lay out the finances and risk of online at both schools and let her choose. Most get that first job in the region where they go to school, so as long as there are likely to be opportunities, that national reputation may be overrated.
When she says “logically UCLA”, she’s referring to what psychologists call the “ executive function, which is the decision making part of the brain & personality. I think she’s saying that she knows what is the better choice. We know that adolescent brains are not as fully developed (i.e. differentiated) as they will be as adults, sometimes they make adolescent mistakes that they wouldn’t make laterin life. Just my opinion, but I see it as our job as parents to support that logic based side of the brain, especially when they themselves are indicating they know what makes the most sense.
Believe it or not, I believe in collaborative decision making with older teenagers. All other things being equal, I’d support the youngster making her own decision. But these are uncertain times and there will be consequences for the wrong decision. Although she is an emerging young adult, she isn’t yet a self-supporting young adult and as such, she isn’t in a position to feel the full burden of responsibility that the wrong decision might carry. Finally, she is going for an education, not a vacation. She hasn’t advanced any good reasons for UCSB other than her comfort level, I.e. connectedness (I feel I’m reading you right). If it were me, I’d tell her that we’re going with UCLA.
But it’s not me. It’s you and she. I must say that I’m truly impressed with how you’re handling this. The fact that you have a good relationship with her and that she’s blossomed into a high achieverboth speak to the quality of parenting she’s received. I’m sure that your process will lead to the best outcome. Wishing for you lots of good energy as you pursue this.
@Bill Marsh - Thank you! I agree that deep down she knows that UCLA is the better option for her course of study and long term objectives. It’s also the better immediate short term option as it provides her the most flexibility to roll with the punches no matter what direction the pandemic takes us this year.
Seems like a no brainer to me. At 130k this is not a vacation. In saying that, I want her to enjoy her college experience and start off on the right foot. Seniors have had a rough year already and are probably especially prone to making emotional decisions vs rational.
I think to some extent it is my responsibility to stop her from making a mistake based on emotions that she may later regret. But at this point, I am laying low, giving her (and myself) time to weigh the pros and cons. I recognize that it would be much better if she reaches the decision on her own.
Unless the kid ends up not liking their choice and transferring. Seriously, you are really overstating the importance of college selection.
I noticed this, too. But so can the decision about sitting in the front of the classroom versus the back. What if you sit in the wrong place and miss out on meeting your true love or meeting a new life-long bestie? What if you walk on the right side of the street instead of the left and miss out seeing a sign for help wanted and miss out on getting that job that will determine how you live for the rest of your life? I appreciate the idea but no one can live this way.
I have always felt that we raise our kids to make difficult decisons. When my son chose his schools he we gave him some some basic guidelines like he had to go to school instate and no private schools unless scholarships made it affordable. We gave him guidance but he final decision was his to make. It was going to be his home for four years so the call was his. He choose a school that was a perfect fit for him and now has a job that is a hour away from his unversity. Give her guidance but the final decision should be hers IMHO.
I think she should make the decision. However, it sounds like you are already having a strong influence on her thinking. I would let her evaluate this without further input from you, as long as cost is the same (I understand the lease issue but there may be a way around that).
I would think, for long term as opposed to short term career prospects, that global studies plus economics would be better than business economics with global studies maybe added. Maybe someone can explain.
People change their majors all the time.
The sister being at the same school is something to consider, emotionally, for a kid who is starting out on her own for the first time.
Living 90 miles from home instead of 8 miles appeals to some.
Santa Barbara is beautiful and some kids don’t like the city, or want a break from the city during undergrad.
None of us can plan anything but holding to what we would do without the virus situation can keep us on a steady keel.
I think your daughter is going to end up at UCLA but this thread makes me kind of sad for her to be honest. Such a strong parental bias will win in the end with a nice kid who wants to please. I hope she goes where she really wants to go. UCSB sounds like a great fit.
Going with the gut is better than going with the head, in my view. The question here is, whose gut yours or hers, because I think you may also be going with your emotions, not your logic, deep down. Don’t mean to be harsh, just trying to be helpful via being honest. Good luck!
The trick to parenting is letting them “think” they are making the decision.
LOL… ?