<p>Ok, I became aware of a blog that mentions my d. It was written two years ago by a former classmate. The comments about my d were relatively harmless, but as I read on, I learned this person was very, very depressed, attempted suicide more than once, cuts, is anorexic, etc. She has received help so the parents know about this, but to what extent I don’t know. There are personal things on this site about family that I know I wouldn’t want my daughter to post. She also posts about her feelings toward her parents - would be very upsetting for any parent to read. The blog ends in 2008.</p>
<p>So, now worried as to how she is, I googled for a new blog and there is a short one. She is still posting about how she hates herself and wishes her life was different. I found a twitter post that her “arm was still bleeding.” - possible cutting? She is away at college.</p>
<p>I haven’t spoken to her mother in years, but should I make her aware of these blogs, including the old one from 2 years ago so the mother can keep a “long distance” eye on her?</p>
<p>I am really worried about this girl, but don’t know if I’m overreacting because the original blog was from 2 years ago.</p>
<p>I would start slowly. First, get in touch with the girl’s mother just to say Hi, how are you; haven’t spoken to you in a long time; how’s your daughter?</p>
<p>Then, I’d also ask your daughter what’s up with this former friend? Are they still in touch? Anything new?</p>
<p>This might give you an opportunity to tell either your D or the girl’s mother that you’re concerned about the girl.</p>
<p>OTOH, perhaps you could get in touch with the girl yourself. I’m assuming she’s in the neighborhood of 20 years old. If you’re the mother of a friend of hers, sometimes someone like that – not her own parent – can be very influential. Much of her stress might stem from her family to begin with, so having you, an outsider, reach out to her might be a relief.</p>
<p>I would tell the girl’s mother. Saying this as someone who several years ago stumbled upon a blog written by my older S, and learned that he had a lifestyle that I found – with good reason – to be alarming.</p>
<p>Print out a few of the pages before you call the mom. </p>
<p>My recommendation to my children about tattling was always “is this a health or safety issue?” This is both. That makes it not tattling, but notification. (If a teacher were away of this situation, it would come under mandatory reporting rules.)</p>
<p>You don’t have any friendship to lose. It’s quite possible the mom is already aware but it’s possible not…</p>
<p>I know this family’s business is none of mine (although it’s on the internet), but as dmd77 said, and as I feel, it is a health and safety issue otherwise I would myob. Her mom, I’m sure, is beside herself with worry everyday as the girl is now dorming far from home. I’m guessing that the mom does know, but it’s a guess. The girl has her full name on her writings, so it’s very easy to find if you were looking.</p>
<p>I would hold off on contacting her mother. As a kid who has dealt with an eating disorder, I would warn you that not all parents would be as supportive and nurturing as you think they would be. I am sure my mom comes off as sweet and loving, the typical devoted mother. But if someone told her about my struggles with an eating disorder, I’d probably be beaten up and reprimanded about embarrassing her. My former best friend also has an eating disorder (and cuts herself, and is much worse off than I am) even though I believe she has nice parents. However, her parents dealt with her eating disorder in a very, very wrong way when they found out and probably made it worse for her. Keep in mind that these behaviours are often fueled from a feeling of helplessness or lack of control… and if the girl finds her parents overcontrolling or demanding, telling her mother and imposing more pressure on the girl would probably just make the problem worse, and influence her to close off from ever getting any help.</p>
<p>However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reach out for her. I recommend talking to your daughter about this girl and maybe getting in contact with her yourself. She is at college - she has plenty of resources for counseling, she just needs someone to push her in that direction.</p>
<p>For health and safety reasons, I believe that you should tell the mother. I do not think that you should try to solve things by contacting the child. Let the mother know, and let the family handle it from there. I don’t think you should drop hints or anything, but i think you should call the mother, quickly let her know what you have seen, and then you should after a few reassuring comments that you don’t plan to spread this info around the neighborhood get off the phone so the mom can handle the situation as she sees fit.</p>
<p>This is a tough one and I empathize. It seems to me if the girl is being that descriptive in a blog, using her full name, is that not a cry for help? I’m not a psychologist but if she’s being that open about it, you would think that she must realize other people may come across it and read it. I don’t think there is a good answer, you just have to follow your heart and instincts knowing what you know about the mother and the family and how you would want it handled if it were your family.</p>
<p>My DD had a friend in high school who went through similar struggles with cutting and eating disorder. Even though her mother was a social worker, her mother didn’t see the signs in her daughter. The girl’s group of friends went to her mother and the girl received treatment as a result. I know that the girl has continued to struggle with these issues for many years since.</p>
<p>You also worry about the rest of the family. Would you want that type of information about your family on the internet unbeknownst to you?</p>
<p>I agree: call. The only issue that matters in this case is the health and safety of the daughter. Maybe the mother knows, but maybe she does not. You can’t know one way or another.</p>
<p>My son told me a few years ago that a girl he knew showed him where she had been cutting herself. (She was younger than the girl mentioned by the OP.) I called the school the next morning and got in touch with the guidance department and let them know what was going on. I didn’t feel I could call the mother because I knew that she had “issues” herself. Good luck to the OP with the call.</p>
<p>Imagine a worst case scenerio: there’s a funeral and you realize you could have stopped something. The mother turns to you and says, “why didn’t you let me know?”</p>
<p>Another poster made another good point: not all parents react as you think they should. How about calling the girl, or maybe even have your D call her. See if she’s okay, tell her you were thinking of her and were concerned.</p>
<p>In a ideal world, it WOULD be the best choice to call the mother. Unfortunately, not all mothers are “ideal.” I’m sure all of you are wonderful parents - that is why you are on this forum. I am sure that if your child dealt with issues like this, you would take the right measures - get counseling, reassure your child, and make them feel loved. However, your child probably does not deal with issues like this BECAUSE you are this type of parent. It would have probably not escalated to this situation. I’m not saying that all girls with eating disorders must have horrible parents - but how long has this been going on? Years. How hard is it for a good parent to notice her child does not eat? That her child seems to be depressed? Even without seeing the major signs of cuts on her arms and a body that is wasting away - how many of you would have noticed right away that there was something wrong? That your child pushes her food around her plate or isolates herself in her room? That she or he is putting on a facade?</p>
<p>I don’t want to be mean, but it is obvious that there must be something wrong with her home life. Otherwise it would have never been so serious. You’re right - she is calling out for help, and why isn’t she getting it? Either her mother doesn’t care or doesn’t WANT to see it. And you never know which one it is. I want to stress again that these struggles don’t just come out of nowhere. Most anorexics are perfectionists, and this drive to be perfect usually come from parents who expect you to be perfect… and you can never live up to their expectations. Admitting that you have such a major flaw is a big, big deal. You have to already be on the road to recovery to do it yourself. And many people I know (including myself) did reach out to their parents - only to be met with denial, disappointment, and more pressure. I reached out to my mom, pleading to her that I needed help, that I just needed a counselour or SOMETHING… and she told me there was no way in hell her daughter was going to a shrink. Shrinks are for crazy people, and she CERTAINLY did not bring up a crazy person. </p>
<p>Also, if she were to get counseling, her parents would NOT be notified of this issue. At least, at my school, I was assured that this would not happen. She is an adult. I also find that it is very hard to be helped when you don’t want to be. And usually when the “help” comes from an authoritative figure who you believe has contributed to your problem, you close yourself off. </p>
<p>Of course, I don’t know the mother. But I know many people with eating disorders and similar issues, and I know a lot of seemingly great parents who have are flawed in this area. This may work out great. I just want people to be aware that there are times when telling the parents isn’t such a great thing. This isn’t about a specific situation for me, but overall (IMO) misconceptions. I hope that people can understand another perspective. :)</p>