My sister age 23 had been moved out of the house half the year, during the Christmas break of my 2nd year as a transfer student my family moved so I (age 21 ) was allowed to choose my room, while the other room was left empty for future use TBD. My room has always been My safe zone for comfort and stability as I deal with Bipolar Disorder and often struggle on with coping/adapting to sudden changes.
About 2 months into my Spring semester my parents told me during a phone call my sister might have to move back in, I had already assumed my sister would want my room it was bigger and she does VR gaming nightly. I had sincerely asked my parents to not move my room or at least wait until spring break when I get home and we swap rooms then so I can help move everything where I would want and make sure nothing was broken in the process. They told me they wouldn’t move my room.
I came home for spring break and opened the door to my older sister in my room and over half the room just empty floor space. I went to the aforementioned empty room and only half of what was in my room resided inside and several of my irreplaceable items had been broken/damaged (trophy, China set, wooden blanket chest).
I just recently found out from one parent that they decided to move my room and pack half of it because my sister had whined/begged/complained to the point they gave in; I had initially been told some lie I was naive for believing.
I was initially upset when this happened, but handled it with an “I’m upset but I’ll move past this and I understand why” mindset. Now that I know I was lied to and the real reason my room was relocated, I am not sure how to feel and if I should confront my other parent or sister.
I’ve kept it bottled but it’s weighing on mind heavily.
Any advice would help, please.
Keeping things bottled up is not a good idea.
Have a calm and mature conversation. No need for it to be a confrontation.
You are a college student living away from your family. You are only at your parents home during breaks. Why not take the opportunity to pack up most of your stuff and put them away.
When my kids went off to college, I kept their rooms intact because I thought they would continue to come home, but the reality was they never came back to live after their sophomore year. We actually moved out of the States when my older daughter was a junior. She continued to visit us during her breaks, but she stayed in a guest room with her own bathroom.
You are in a transition period, from a dependent person to an independent young adult. My kids started to refer their college apartment/dorm as their home after a while, and it actually broke my heart. I think you will also see your college as your home rather than your parents’ place at some point.
If It would make you feel better, let your sister and your parents know how you didn’t appreciate being lie to, but I would let it go. Hopefully you won’t need to move back home after college. You will have your own safe place away from your parents house.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It happens frequently. It’s an old story. My family was fighting over who got my itty bitty room before I even left the house. At least it left me no illusions about where my stuff was going to be when I left college.
Due to your medical issues, you should discuss the situation with your parents. Even without them, that you were not apprised of the situation and your things damaged is really a breach of trust. Of course you are hurt and disappointed. Yes, you should. CALMLY bring up the topic. My kids’ rooms did get shifted around when they left for college but they well knew that was going to be the case.
Just for the record, I don’t think what they did was ok.
I think your parents could have told you…but at this point…move on. This is your family and there really is no need for a confrontation about a bedroom.
Your family should have been up front with you. I am sorry you feel deceived. The right thing to do would have been for your parents to be straight with you about the situation and to tell your sister that, in order to switch rooms, she would have to be responsible for your travel expenses back home for a weekend so you could pack and move your own belongings as you saw fit.
You can express how you felt about the situation, but then move on. Hopefully you will be able to get your own place after college.
I think to you, this is a big deal, but I suspect your parents would be surprised if they knew you were so upset. Just calmly let them know that you were disappointed by the switch and ask them in the future to please ask you first if you’re okay with this type of thing. I don’t think what they did was right, mainly because your things got broken, which was probably more upsetting than the room switch.
My 19 year old son recently told me that he used to hate that I let visiting preschoolers play with his things when he was at school. He was young, around ages 7-9. He said he’d come home and find his LEGO creations destroyed, etc… I had no idea it bothered him so much. I felt badly when I discovered this. I don’t know why he didn’t say anything, but I certainly had no idea. We parents aren’t mind readers.
I think having multiple rooms. Parents who love you, house, provide insurance and feed you are pretty big things. Do they help pay for your medical care and education?
No one is perfect. They probably felt conflicted knowing your health concerns and your sisters personality. It’s not always easy keeping the peace.
And if they told you the truth while you were at school perhaps it would have impacted your finals. They may be well aware of that and made the decision in your best interest.
It’s a pandemic and people are stressed too. You don’t adapt to change. Maybe they don’t handle confrontation. Be as understanding with them as you expect the world to be of you.
It’s not cool that your sister wasn’t careful with your things.
Talk it over. But remember that no one is perfect.
I can definitely understand being upset, and you have every right to be. That said, I think you need to put this in the context of your relationship with your parents and sister.
If they often give in to your sister (she’s the preferred sibling), and if your sister is used to whining until she gets her way, and if your parents routinely ignore your express wishes - then I honestly don’t think there’s any point in getting into it any further. If this is their behavior, it’s not going to change.
On the other hand, if this type of behavior is unusual, then definitely have a conversation and express your feelings clearly.
Finally… you’re now a sophomore and you have one foot out the door. You should consider seriously clearing out your things. Toss, donate, and pack everything that’s not essential. Consider everything that can fit into your suitcases that you take to college “your stuff”. I understand you still have an emotional investment in a lot of those childhood things, so pack the important things up to protect them because at some point you’ll need to ship them to your apartment post-graduation.
It can be a tough transition, but try to start thinking of your room at home the same way you view a dorm room - you hang out there once in a while, but you know you’ll be moving out soon enough. I had this same conversation with my D when she graduated last year. We were selling the house and I told her I’d be willing to hang on to 3 boxes worth of stuff for her but everything else had to go one way or another (she could either ship stuff to herself or toss). She came back for a visit to pack up her stuff and after a few days said, “meh, just toss everything.”
So this house that is not your childhood home has rooms assigned for adults that don’t normally live there? And your sister who now does live there can’t pick a room? Your sister has to live at home, you don’t?
Adult kids who don’t live at home don’t have a room that they control. Your parents moved when you were 21, This was not ever going to be your bedroom.
Many families are being impacted by Covid and students are returning home to live as schools go online. You all might consider your poor parents. Empty nesters are being really impacted. It is hard to imagine how simply rearranging rooms involves the breakage of several of your things? What happened?
This issue has very little to do with the move. It’s about respect. Your parents lied to you and whoever moved your belongings was careless with them, both of which were disrespectful to you. Your older sister pitched a fit until she got her way, and that’s disrespectful to your parents. I would absolutely tell them how you feel. Families should treat each other respectfully.
Thankyou everyone for your helpful advice and wisdom. I ended up writing all my feelings out in a letter and rather than tossing it away I asked my mom to sit down with me to discuss them, taking breaks to get feedback. We both came forward with a lot and even though the initial situation could have been handled better the discussion we had really helped me moved forward; I will admit to a slight twinge of discomfort still arising thinking of the situation but now that is always followed by the relief I felt after openly reading and discussing the letter with my mom. This thread really helped and I appreciate input from all and hope it can help anyone else who might have gone through anything similar