Reading these comments is like returning to PTSD. I so feel for anyone living that nightmare, especially in COVID times. My sister and I placed my 97 year old mom in January. She was recently back home with my sister post a rehab stay, at the home they had shared for decades,. The situation was impossible due to the need for 24 hour care and it could not be sustained economically or in other ways for my sister. Though in that state, Arizona, after spend down there is funding to pay for home care. But someone in that scenario is still doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, sans compensation. With placement, there are plenty of tasks to keep a support person busy, while someone else does the physical care.
Despite increasing dementia, financial issues could make my mom livid, as she had no interest in spending her money for care, when she only wanted to be home regardless. She could not see how her neediness was starting to break my sister emotionally. So we had to gloss over the details, many times.
We found a care home that had sufficient wide porches for residents to sit outside., home cooked meals and staff dedicated to the residents over many years. My mom grew to love some of the caretakers, but had been so catered to by my sister that the food was never good enough, though we chose the place partially for the carefully cooked meals.
In these COVID times, be very careful to discuss how medical care will be provided, and under what circumstances the resident will leave for the ER or hospitalization. The facility was under lock down mid March. On move in, the recommendation was for my mom’s care to switch to the NP who came into the facility. My sister was not quite ready to give up the long term doctor. As Covid locked the place down. we requested a change to the NP who went to the facility. Before that change could occur, my mom became ill, with a worsening of her mild CHF. Then a fall made her bedridden. It took a few days to get a portable x ray in there, the physician office became unresponsive to calls, and it was 5 days before she got the needed medication. She passed away a few hours later, a surprise to everyone involved. But at age 97, things are fragile, and hard scenarios can evolve in many different directions.
Figure out how to communicate with COVID restrictions, and how willing the facility might be to help with facetime/zoom meetings via I pad and so on. Some in this age group have the ability to do these things on their own, but my mom could not. That we could call and staff would get her on the phone immediately was worth a great deal. In rehab, phone calls were regularly lost on transfer.
Speaking with a physician friend, she should have gone to the ER, gotten treated, tested for COVID and then returned to the facility when negative. Though with the false negative rate of tests, we know now that is not a guarantee of safety for the facility which is trying hard to stay isolated. So each of these points needs to be discussed with COVID restrictions-access to medical care, emergency treatment, and family access in the event of death being near. My aunt passed away in a memory care facility a month later, and fortunately my cousin was allowed in to visit a few times before she passed.
It is so hard when you are in the midst of it though.