One of my dear friends started to show signs of dementia at age 70. Family history of both Alzheimer’s and Lewy Body’s. After, a horrendous year of her calling the police over 120 times for imaginary issues, being outside in near feeezinf weather without shoes or coat, and other unsafe/nonsensical Events, her daughter tried to get guardianship … and lost, even though she is an excellent attorney. It’s very difficult to get guardianship if the person fights it, and it can be a demeaning, hurtful process. Some of the fall out consequences are permanent. First thing my friend did was cut her daughter out of her will and out of her life, to ever have any control over her. Sometimes enabling is the lesser harm.
Sometimes, a nursing home is the lesser harm. If there is no one who can help care for someone who cannot care for self, what to do? I know several situations that are moving rapidly that way.
I’m thinking about my own future and how to put things into place so as not to leave dilemmas for my children , and yet be in the best place for me. I don’t know what the best answers are. My experience with MIL in top of the line places, left me horrified at what the care is when they think you aren’t watching and the person is no longer aware.
@fullmom I would try to separate your own emotions from those of your mother’s. And maybe change the terminology in your head. I don’t think of assisted living as “going into care.” They are tenants, not patients, and their tenancy includes availability of help.
My mother calls to ask to leave, because of the COVID rules she does not understand. I tell her that I am looking. Then she brings it up again in a couple of days and I say the same thing.
There have been times when I did consider it. But the camaraderie of having other residents, the interactions with staff, the elevator that gives freedom to move around in space, and in her case, the puzzle room and garden patio, all make for a pleasant experience overall.
There are also days, even with COVID, when she says how happy she is to be there, and before COVID that was always the case.
The interactions and care level are different in memory care but it sounds very possible that your mom can go into AL.
I have spent a lot of time at my mother’s facility. I forget that people are really old and it doesn’t feel to me that they are waiting to die. Even those who are confused, are trying to have a good day every day.
I would really try to think about this differently. Our local elder care office has social workers to talk to and sometimes a counselor can help for a short term issue like this.
@cptofthehouse
I am so sorry about your friend and such a dreadful consequence to a child trying to do the right thing. My mother had LBD and it was horrendous, especially the ups and downs and ability to rise to the occasion, sometimes. I can see how LBD would make it especially difficult to gain conservatorship.
My FIL had some sort of mild dementia, we could tell more in hindsight, but he was such a overwhelming personality that the AL doctor was unwilling to certify him (for banking etc) because it would have been such an ugly scene. Things could have gone very badly, there was at least one time FIL told my DH, “if you leave this room, never come back” and he was constantly calling his accountant about assorted soap opera style fiddling with his will (he forgot he’d spent it all on home health care!)
People on forums will often chastise the family for not taking the car away, etc. And yet, the system does not make it easy. Conservatorship/Guardianship is difficult and ugly, plus if a person is not yet full on gone, they can pass for pretty normal for a while. You could take away their car and they could go buy another. We had no physician willing to certify FIL could not drive safely, they just don’t do that in his area. And when he moved to the home we simply did not take the car with him, he was furious and called the police on my husband (the son who had not been there in 6-8 weeks, but also the son who was most critical of his driving.) By the time DH got off the phone with the officer, the officer was telling DH how sorry he was that FIL was so hostile
The lack of independence when driving is off the table is incredibly hard. We were so lucky my mom’s neurologist told her point blank that if she kept driving she would kill someone. He didn’t mince words. She reached into her purse, handed me the keys, and when I got her back home, she told my dad to sell her car. I did a lot of chauffeuring early on but thankfully she accepted it gracefully.
A friend’s mom was super angry and they had to basically disable the car (removed the entire battery because after it was disconnected the first time she called road side assistance to have it jumped). Eventually they told her it needed to go to the garage and it just “wasn’t ready” ever again.
Getting control of the finances is hard; we had help from a parent’s tax preparer. He sent a bill which was more than double the previous ten years, so parent (who was in denial that there was anything wrong cognitively) called to yell and scream about why the bill was so high.
Preparer said “you brought in 12 shoeboxes stuffed with receipts, recipes cut from magazines, and random photos of your grandkids. I had to pay overtime for someone to go through it all which is why the bill is so high. Next time have one of your kids sort through the shoeboxes first”.
Parent was livid- bye bye tax preparer, hello daughter. I explained that without the brokerage statements I couldn’t be much help. Then I explained that the bank needed “proof” that I had authority to look at the bank statements (so off we went to the bank to sign the POA in front of the bank manager). Then I had a “problem” with direct deposit of the social security check, another problem with Blue Cross… so over a period of three months, I got the POA, Health Proxy, checkbook, etc. It helped that I’d had all the documents drafted-- just needed signature and notary every time there was a “problem”.
Not easy. The car was easier… one snowy day the car disappeared for “snow tires” and somehow never made it home.
Agree—it’s a real struggle when the patent refuses to gracefully allow others to handle affairs that are way too much for them. It’s something that we and all my friends ar3 or have dealt with. The worst is when the elder and distant sib accuse the one who’s doing all the hard work of mistreating the elder and causes a huge rift. Sadly this happens all too often as well.
Himom- or when the distant sib thinks the one in charge is “stealing” from the future estate. “Why can’t you find an aide for $6 an hour like my friend has?” (because mom lives in DC and nobody works for $6 an hour). “Why does dad need PT three times a week?” (Because without it he won’t be able to lift his head to eat or swallow).
Why do you need to hire people over the weekend, why did the fuel bill go up so much, why why why.
No one would tell my FIL that he had to stop driving, so I did it. He was on opiates for pain, and I told him that I refused to let him kill someone’s child. Everyone just stared at me in shock, but FIL stopped driving. Someone has to be the bad guy. I was lucky, of course, that MIL was able to drive. But she didn’t like carting him around, so it wasn’t long before she got in-home help for him. They took him on errands, and they gave him his shower … also something MIL didn’t want to do. That helped for awhile, until everything just got to be too much for both of them. Assisted living has made things a lot easier, all around. They are both still sharp mentally, but they are frankly too tired of living to even want to deal with things. MIL has been slowly giving us tasks to help (insurance, bills, etc). We are glad they are letting us help.
My mom was always a bad driver, but worse with age. Living a few miles from their small town, it was difficult to take the keys away, as she was very much marooned at home during the day sans car. But she lived in a place with no traffic and few driving challenges. The police one day thought she was driving drunk, stopped her for a breathalyzer test, and when negative (she was mostly a teetotaler) took her home and told her she was never driving again. Such a relief, and I was so thankful.
@blossom, it’s saddest when sibs all squabble and burn bridges with the relatives and in-laws that were providing nearly all the care—cleaned out the house, cleaned & repaired plumbing & everything else, moved the elderly into the best place, helped the elderly get settled and make friends and then accused of terrible things by distant sibs who did NOTHING!
