Advice on College Common App Essay?

On September 9th, 2013 I woke up as a somewhat immature 10th grader and my first thought was about whether I should really wear the dress that I’d laid out the night before. I walked downstairs and mumbled “good morning” to my mom, and then I waited at the counter for my breakfast. My sister came down and I gave her a pinch to be annoying. 
With time this routine became regular as summer faded into the background, but underneath I began struggling because I missed my brother who’d left for college that August. The fact that I’d never told him I loved him made it all the more difficult as I thought I’d lost my chance to be his friend and that all we would ever be was strangers.

In October, I wrote an essay about how my brother leaving impacted me, and my dad sent it to him. When I got a three page email back from my brother I did a double take. “I love you. I have always loved you,” my brother typed. And suddenly we were best friends. Suddenly we were two friends talking about our love lives and he was telling me the things at college that reminded him of me.
I think reconciling with my brother that fall happened for a reason. Because that January my mom turned to me with tears streaming down her face and told me that my dad had pancreatic cancer. When I blindingly went to my room and fumbled with my phone, I couldn’t figure out who to call through the blur of my tears, but I typed in one of the only numbers I’d memorized: my brother’s. He was the only person that would understand what I was going through precisely because he was going through it too.
I listened to his breath on the phone, and amidst all the knives that seemed to be going into my heart, I told my brother something I couldn’t even believe myself, “He’s going to be okay.”
And I think that is what love is. It is lying to someone when they need to be lied to. Sure, it doesn’t sound glamorous, but it’s true.
That April my parents left to go 3000 miles away so my dad could get surgery and get his pancreas and tumor removed. My sister and I remained at home. For a month straight my sister slept in my room. My friends complained about how embarrassing their parents were, and I ignored them and wanted nothing more than my mom to be home so she could ask me how my day was. I was no longer a sister in the month my parents were gone, I was a parent. I learned that sometimes it takes asking your sister fives times and barging through the locked bathroom door to get your sister to break down sobbing and tell you what was wrong.
My parents did come home eventually, my mom stronger than ever, and my dad, cancer free.
Exams came and went and I suddenly had the best grades I’d ever gotten, and then summer came and I spent time with my family. I spent time with my dad who was diabetic and depressed and recovering from a serious surgery.
Then, on September 10th, 2014, I woke up as an 11th grader and my first thought was of whether my dad got a good night’s sleep. I skipped downstairs and gave my mom a hug as I said, “good morning, isn’t it?” I got out my cereal and milk and when my sister came down I gave her a kiss on the top of her head.
I don’t know how to describe what happened in the year between these two Septembers, but somewhere along the line of pain and love I became someone real, someone with perspective, someone who I was always meant to be.

I wouldn’t recommend posting your entire essay on here for obvious reasons…BUT…

I think this is a great job. It’s intimate and raw and real. One of the most significant essay tips I’ve heard thus far came from a Brown admissions officer, who encouraged “bringing humanity back to the admissions process through the essay.” You definitely do that here. If anything, I’d recommend talking even a little more about what you learned about what love is (i.e. a little more synthesis).

Oh that’s a good point, didn’t even think about that, thank you though!

" And suddenly we were best friends. Suddenly we were two friends talking about our love lives and he was telling me the things at college that reminded him of me." Try rephrasing this sentence because using suddenly becomes repetitive.

Otherwise this is a very personal and meaningful essay good job !!

On September 9th, 2013 I woke up as a somewhat immature 10th grader
*September 9th, 2013, I
Also, end this sentence after “grader.” Make the next bit its own sentence.

The fact that I’d never told him I loved him made it all the more difficult as I thought I’d lost my chance to be his friend and that all we would ever be was strangers.
Rather abrupt, and verging on run-on. You have to give us more background than this. WHY did you never tell him? Why are you strangers???

In October, I wrote an essay about how my brother leaving impacted me
Why? Is this something people just do? “Something’s on my mind, so I’ll write an essay about it.” Or is “essay” not the word you really mean? Was it more like an open letter, or a journal entry, or…?

three page email back
*three-page

“I love you. I have always loved you,” my brother typed. And suddenly we were best friends.
This emotional reveal did nothing for me–because I don’t understand the depth of the distance between you in the first place, or even why that distance was there. Did anything happen to actually make you fear that you were “strangers”?

Suddenly we were two friends
Repetitive – you just said “friends” a few words ago (and “suddenly,” as noted by rolleypolley)

we were two friends talking about our love lives
I feel like you should not make this the only thing you say about these conversations.

I think reconciling with my brother that fall happened for a reason. Because that January my mom turned to me with tears streaming down her face and told me that my dad had pancreatic cancer.
*reason, because that January
She “turned to you”?? What were you doing that she could literally just turn around and be like “Guess what?” Could you cut out that part entirely, making it more like “my mom revealed to me, with tears streaming down her face, that my dad had pancreatic cancer.”

When I blindingly went to my room and fumbled with my phone
*blindly

He was the only person that would understand what I was going through precisely because he was going through it too.
Everything from “precisely” on is kind of unnecessary? We can infer that.

and amidst all the knives
“Amid” is more common; “amidst” is kind of the archaic variant.

something I couldn’t even believe myself,
*myself:

And I think that is what love is.
Fragment

It is lying to someone when they need to be lied to. Sure, it doesn’t sound glamorous, but it’s true.
Might just be personal preference, but I really don’t like that second bit. The first sentence is stronger on its own.

That April my parents left to go 3000 miles away
Why do you need “left to go”?? That’s three words to say what one word could.
*traveled 3000 miles away

so my dad could get surgery and get his pancreas and tumor removed.
Is that surgery you’re talking about the one that removed his pancreas and tumor? If that is the case, why are you essentially introducing it twice?
“so my dad could get surgery to remove his pancreas and tumor”

My friends complained about how embarrassing their parents were, and I ignored them and wanted nothing more than my mom to be home so she could ask me how my day was.
This is a bit too convoluted…perhaps simplify to something like “My friends complained about how embarrassing their parents were, but I wanted nothing more than for my parents to be back home.”

I was no longer a sister in the month my parents were gone, I was a parent.
Run-on.
*my parents were gone; I was a parent myself.

I learned that sometimes it takes asking your sister fives times and barging through the locked bathroom door to get your sister to break down sobbing and tell you what was wrong.
First of all, *five
Second of all, WHAT??

My parents did come home eventually, my mom stronger than ever, and my dad, cancer free.
*My parents did come home eventually, my mom stronger than ever and my dad cancer-free.
(I would also replace that comma with an em dash, but that’s just me.)

Exams came and went and I suddenly had the best grades I’d ever gotten, and then summer came and I spent time with my family.
*gotten. Summer came and I spent time with my family.

I spent time with my dad who was diabetic and depressed and recovering from a serious surgery.
You just said “I spent time with.” Also, you say he was “recovering from a serious surgery” like we don’t know what the surgery was.
Perhaps once you split up the previous sentence, you could create something like:
Exams came and went and I suddenly had the best grades I’d ever gotten. Summer came and I spent time with my family, especially my dad; his recovery from the surgery had been slowed by obstacles such as diabetes and depression.

Then, on September 10th, 2014,
I would just start with “On September 10th…” to mirror the opening sentence.

was of whether my dad got a good night’s sleep.
I’m not sure if it’s technically grammatically incorrect, but I really don’t like “of whether”…perhaps something more like:
…my first thought was of my dad: had he gotten a good night’s sleep?

“good morning, isn’t it?"

  • “Good morning, isn’t it?”

You talked a lot about your brother at the beginning and then he just kind of disappeared from the story. What was the point of that? Was he actually important?