I am a mother of 3 and my youngest is just 3 weeks away from moving 5 hours away to attend college. I have always been a stay at home mom with a degree in fine arts that owned a dance studio and was a professional dancer but now years later teaching dance or dancing is not the same. I have been told that this should be the happiest time of my life and I should be enjoying my life now. I am far from happy right now. In fact I cry all the time and feel like a hole has been punched in me full of void. My youngest can’t wait to start college and I feel I am just missing out on the celebration. He received a full academic scholarship to the honors college of Engineering at Texas A&M and has 45 credit hours making him a sophomore and he just finished high school. I am so proud of him and his accomplishments and I hate being “Debbie Downer”. Is there anyone out there with some advice because I have been looking for material to read and so forth and I am not finding anything worth while. Suggestions, comments and advice please
Hugs to you. We all go through this.
You might start with this thread, which has been around for several years.
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/681300-so-what-do-you-do-with-an-empty-nest.html
I am also a mother of 3. Four years ago my youngest went away to college and it really threw me for a loop. There was definitely an adjustment phase, but I can tell you that 4 years later I couldn’t be happier. After going through a minor “crazy craft lady” phase, I went back to playing tennis and am now playing four days a week on three different teams. I made a bunch of new friends, who I have a lot in common with and we have a lot of fun.
Last year I was in your shoes. My last baby went to college within weeks of my two older children moving on to the next (happy) phase of their lives and losing my mother unexpectedly.
My only advice to you is to feel what you feel. I don’t think it’s helpful to “supposed to” feel or be anything. I’m very close to my youngest child - he was my rock through my mother’s death and my sister’s death the year before, and I was distraught beyond measure. The best thing that happened to me was that two nights before he left, my son sat down with his instrument and played for hours and let me cry, wail and carry on. He gave me his full attention and let me give voice to all my fears and anxieties. I swear it was the most cathartic thing and I started to feel better the next day. On move-in day, I had a list of things that everyone needed to do, and my son and husband let me do it my way. Again, really helpful, and by the time I got home, I was able to start seeing the good in my own situation. I find that I like being on my own timetable, eating what I want and not having to be accountable to anyone else for meals and activities. My husband and I found that eating out as two, is much cheaper than even 3, so we eat out often, eat things like waffles for dinner, try new food.
My point is that there are good things, but you can’t be open to them until you let yourself fully feel whatever you feel. There is no right or wrong. Good luck. You will get through this.
Allow yourself to miss your children. It is normal. That said, I think the situation may be exacerbated by your being a stay-at-home parent. Your whole identity is tied up with being a caregiver. For me, I will miss my son horribly, but at least I have a job that I love and that keeps me busy. You might consider employment, whether full or part time, in something satisfying to you (and hey, it will help with the college expenses!), or else getting involved in a hobby or volunteer work.
If you are truly “crying all the time,” seeing a psychologist could be helpful in helping you to negotiate this big life change.
Try not to let your youngest child think that his move toward independence will make it so you can’t manage without him, or it will make his own adjustment harder.
Although I am not in your shoes and have not experienced this full on yet, I do feel your feelings are totally natural. Make no apologies for feeling how you do. Everyone deals with this stage in life differently.
Your post gave me a glimpse into how I expect to feel. I think I will be as emotional as you find yourself.
This community is wonderful and many of the people on here continue to post long after their children have moved on in an attempt to provide assistance. You were wise to reach out to them.
I wish you well.
It’s tough, but since it’s your third, you know you will be fine after awhile. First, do not put that on your child. This is a happy, happy time for them and I think the sadness should be hidden. A gift for them to not feel burdened by our feelings. I think it’s fine to let them know you’re sad about them leaving (and thrilled for them), but they don’t need to “see” the sadness. My Dad did and it is such a downer. It actually made me avoid him a little. My Mom didn’t and now I realize what a gift that was. She told me when I was an adult how difficult those first few months were. Go to your friends, come here and grieve, but nothing good (for the kids) comes from doing it in front of them.
You have to grieve, it’s ok to be extremely heartbroken…but don’t let it go too long. It’s not that I gave it a drop dead date…it doesn’t work like that. But I told myself I would pick myself up, it isn’t a tragedy and I have a full life to lead. I think having the mind set that you will be fine does help. I’m going through it again myself a little this year. One child heading back in 3 weeks after a wonderful summer together and another one moving out for good with friends in a month. So my busy, full, wonderful house will be so,so,so quiet. I lived through the empty nest stage once when they were both in school, and now I have to do it again. Ugh. It just stinks.
I do agree that being home probably makes it worse. Give yourself some time to figure out what you want to do, there is no need to rush into it. One thing that helped me immensely when I first had to do it was have done travel plans to focus on and look forward to. Are you able to do that? I’ve also joined a Meetup group. That was so out of my comfort zone. The first one I could tell wasn’t a good fit, the 2nd one I loved within 30 minutes.
Great big hugs to you. It’s really hard, we are there for you!
To any parents of seniors this year who will make you an empty nest next year, now is a good time to explore new activities and interests that will be part of your life next year. Seriously, start making a list of interests, things you’ve always wished you had time for, places to go, things to learn. It makes kids happy when they know their parents have goals and interests too!
^^You hit the nail on the head @abasket . Kids like to see their parents with lives that don’t revolve around them. It takes pressure off. Also, one thing to look forward to is not having to cook if you don’t like it! I hate it and it’s a relief to just have simple meals for DH and I.
I had, and have, a tough time during the transitions. My youngest goes off for her senior year and my oldest moves out for his adult job in 3 weeks. So I’ve had 3 years, but each time I am a little sad. And I know this summer was the last summer of the 4 of us home, just us. What we did was go on a short trip after the last one left. It was something nice to look forward to - we went to Niagara falls and Niagara on the Lake right after dropping off my son. It gave a buffer of time of coming home to an empty house.
I used to always be home when they got home from school - so I ended up meeting friends out at that time at like Panera or some such place. It was very odd at first to not have to worry about being home at any certain time. I ended up liking the freedom and independence more than I thought I would.
Of course you are so happy and proud of your son and feel bad for yourself - a new era is beginning. And you may be surprised at where life takes you. Being a stay at home mom, your focus now will have to shift, and start planning now for something to look forward to - what will you like, even if you don’t admit it - not having to make dinner each night? Picky eaters? Not having to be the chauffer all the time, not having to deal with the annoying coach/teacher? Having the house stay clean? Think of a few things, and allow yourself to be a little excited.
Consider why it seems harder with the last kid to leave.
I thought about that in my own case and realized that it was because my role as an active-duty parent was ending. That’s a big transition. Kind of like retirement from your job.
My older offspring is 31 now and my younger one turns 28 this week. Both of them went away to college and then left the nest permanently within weeks after college. And I found those transitions difficult, even though it’s been very interesting watching them turn into full-fledged adults and hearing about their lives. They will always be the world’s most interesting people to me.
But I can miss them even when we’re in the same room (something that doesn’t happen often since one lives 2000 miles away from me and the other lives 3000 miles away). I realized after a few years that what I was missing was the children they used to be and the role I played in their lives when they were children. I miss that stage of our lives. But time moves on, and I really like the people they have become.
I am I am so very sorry for your losses and I really think that the fact your husband and your child let you go through the “getting it all out” motions sounds like what I need to seek from my son and just let me reminisce and have a good cry with him and on move in day hopefully let me do the mom thing I so deeply cherish without a fuss. Thank you for sharing I applaud you.
Thank thank you so much for your kind words. It’s funny that you mentioned travel because my husband booked a cruise for the two of us that leaves from the port in which his A&M campus is on. So I won’t be coming directly home after moving him in I actually will be getting on a cruise ship for 4 nights of time with my husband. Something of which I never get anymore so I am thrilled at that and his timing is perfect
That is very thoughtful of your husband.
This is so timely as I have been a stay at home mom and I will soon have an empty nest. My twins are going off to college and I am wondering how I will fill up the day. I think that I can occupy my time on house projects. I’d like to take a Yoga class. I’d like to volunteer somewhere. Maybe at the hospital.
I have been surprised at how many friends have assumed or suggested that I get a job or go back to school. In all honesty neither appeals to me. I am essentially the only support for my 80 year old mother although I have four siblings. Her appointments can easily be once a week or more and grocery shopping. She doesn’t drive much anymore, so if I did go to work then who will take care of her? I sort of feel like my taking care of mom has helped my siblings work.
We are also going on a kid free trip in September, I told my husband long ago that i needed that to look forward to. I’m glad to see this thread. The other one doesn’t get much action.
^^You sound like you have some things in place.
One caveat - "I think that I can occupy my time on house projects. " Wish more for yourself than to “occupy” your time! Aim for some activities that are truly fulfilling, fun, exciting, and / or make you a better you!
Zoosermom and Marian’s posts resonated with me. Also a mother of 3, my youngest graduated 3 years ago…all studied overseas and now live overseas. Socialize more, take up a hobby, exercise classes, travel, volunteer or go into the workforce…all valid suggestions but the hole in the heart remains. You do your best but nothing can replace the family as you once were, just I guess, like we can’t be young again and all that that entails. It has taken me many years and I am still not there in terms of accepting my “new” life.
My son is going back in 3 1/2 weeks for his second year. I’m a totally different person this year - the grief for my mother is less raw, I had major surgery this year and am healthy, but I am planning to be very sad about it. I really love being around that boy and miss him when we aren’t together. He’s working on a special piece of music with the goal of having the entire (long) piece excellent by his last week at home. I will have a private concert, we will share brownie sundaes, and I will tell him how proud of him I am and that I will miss him. He will tell me that he will miss me, too, and that he will be safe and successful. He will let me squeeze his guts out and kiss his face off and I will be thrilled.
Certainly I will cry on the way home from drop-off, but I think that’s normal and appropriate.
So we always miss them, but it does get better. And I find it meaningful to have a special something with my kids before they go back. My next door neighbor has an only child the same age as my son, and they go out to a monster breakfast the week before, just the two of them. My husband will take my son golfing, the neighbor boy’s father will take him fishing. It’s good to reconnect and recharge before letting go again. Also, happy memories.
Your husband is a gem to give you that distraction and taste of empty nest life to come.
There are some Aggie mom organizations. I don’t know if joining would help or hurt. When my kids went away, I did join various parent groups (not as active as Aggie moms) to have an idea of what my kids were doing and to hear other parent’s stories. Aggie moms seems to be a good social outlet for moms meeting moms.
Absolutely agree on thinking about what you can do now with more time. Be sad, then get busy. I miss my kids, too. I always will. But it is really fun to get together now and everyone has something interesting to share about what he has been doing—including me.
Ouch. I’m not doing anything that looks like that.
I’ve been an empty nester for years (my younger was HS class of 2007). But I’ve always worked, so I wasn’t hit too hard by the empty nest. For the last four years, I’ve had the best gig ever – I work part-time from home, doing work I love and find appropriately challenging, with very nice people. I handle an HR consulting firm’s “overflow,” so my hours vary.
Last year, I worked 550 hours – an average of 10.5 each week. This year, I’ve hardly worked at all – only about 60 hours all year to date!! I know it’s not me – business is very slow, and even the full time people aren’t busy. But I’m finding that I’m depressed, bored and not sure what to do with my time. In addition, I want to remain available for when the work does begin. (We’re just about to start “busy season.”) But it’s been a very bad year, sort of waiting for the work to begin.
I’m spending a lot of time in the garden, which is satisfying – but not necessary.
If even this busy season doesn’t turn out to be busy enough, I might quit this gig and do some significant volunteer work instead.