Advice On Essay

Colleges & Universities Boston University
1

<p>I need advice on my essay. I did it on an influence. Tell me what you think and give me suggestions on how to make it better. I’m applying for College of General Studies. Thanks in advance.</p>

<pre><code>Many people have influences in their lives, whether it’s looking up to a basketball player who reached stardom or simply a strong encounter with a special someone. I was no exception. What my mother told me drove my heart into success. It gave me hope that I didn’t know was possible.

The story that changed my life was when I heard about my grandfather named Hyman. He was in a position like no other. Hyman moved into the States with very little money. He worked his way up to the top to become owner of Old Town Records. From beginning to start, he worked with never giving up hope of reaching that goal of success.

My mother told me this story a couple of years ago when I was old enough to understand. It was still just a blur back then and couldn’t correctly comprehend all of it. Eventually, after digesting the hopeful story, I started to believe I can reach success.

My goal was to become a film director. I know that it’s hard to achieve that position. However, the story my mother told showed me that anything is possible if you believe in it. Not only was the story of my grandfather influential on my future career, but it also brought me hope at this present state.

Currently, my parents are in bad positions. My father is on disability while my mother is just a housewife. Like my grandfather, we have not much money. I had to use my own birthday money for college applications. No one deserves to have their money taken away from them. It’s a must when you don’t have much.

In order to get through this tough time, I look at my grandfather’s story for support. The influence of his actions gave me the boost I needed. I know I can move forward even if I’m in a tough time right now. Without his story, I would think there was no hope. I wouldn’t be living the American dream I soon hope to have.

Using his story, I am trying to work. Whatever money I earn will help my family in any way possible. Going through the tough times are bad but when I do get money, it’ll be a lifetime success. I’ll be taking my time knowing that it might be years until that day comes. But again, I’ll look for my grandfather’s influential story for support.
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2

<p>Well if you’d like honest feedback I think it needs some work. Do not use the term “bad positions” to describe a disabled parent or “just a housewife”. I think you need to go a little deeper about character, values and dealing with challenges if you want to stay with this theme.</p>

3

<p>Definitely re-work this…I don’t think you’ll get far with it if you send it in as is. To help you out, I’ll list some of my criticism. </p>

<p>You don’t develop anyone in the essay. It is very hard to transfer the emotion you have in your heart (obviously, or you wouldn’t have written about your family) to paper, but the people reading your essay don’t know your mom or your grandpa, so you have to use unique adjectives to describe them. </p>

<p>You have some awkward sentence constructions. Take it to an English teacher to fix those. </p>

<p>The disability and “just a housewife” things are very off-putting. So is mentioning that you had to pay for your own college apps, and that it “isn’t fair.” Lots of people are in that position, and you come across as whiny. You need to approach subjects like that with more sensitivity. Or, if you don’t feel that it needs to be a sensitive subject, explain why. </p>

<p>Your grandpa’s story is very touching, but it is not like “no other.” Lots of people have stories like that, which is why they came up with the term, “the American dream.” You should mention more specifics that make his story unique. </p>

<p>Come up with a new intro to your essay. Yours is very predictable. 99% of people answering that essay question will start their essay like that.</p>

4

<p>I agree with CityGal and dogs.
It almost seems like you’re looking for sympathy, saying things like “I had to use my own birthday money for college applications.”
I also get the impression that your ultimate goal is money. “Going through the tough times are bad but when I do get money, it’ll be a lifetime success.” That’s kind of trite, I think.</p>

<p>Instead of barely talking about your grandfather, I would go more into detail about him and maybe use the last one or two paragraphs for how he influenced you. Again, your essay seems kind of typical and predictable, as CityGal said.</p>

5

<p>I hope this feedback doesn’t sound too tough its just that we want to help your chances. The most important thing about an essay is that it needs to be about YOU even if you describe your relationship with another person. It should add value to your application, perhaps by highlighting something not found on the regular app. Perhaps focus on his “legacy” as a teaching tool to help you realize how you can be resilient and deal with obstacles. I’d deemphasize the financial issues unless you just want to point out that your family has struggled, including having a disabled parent, but that your grandfather’s example has shown you that obstacles can be overcome with the right attitude and effort.</p>

6

<p>“we have not much money. I had to use my own birthday money for college applications.”</p>

<p>No offense, but how do you expect to pay for BU???</p>

7

<p>Wow posting your essay is a VERY BAD MOVE. DO NOT DO THIS EVER AGAIN! This is for your own safety. Moderators and Admin might want to have a talk with you too.</p>

8

<p>Reading your post, I didn’t even realize until the end that you had posted your esssay. =P I think that it is not deep enough. You need to do more of an emotional appeal, more than just financial problems, which a lot of people have. Plus remember to proofread and small improvements, like no contractions.</p>

9

<p>Id totally change the topic and everything about it… its a pretty bad essay.</p>

10

<p>I have read the comments. I want to thank you guys for giving me advice even though some of it may have been harsh. I totally redid the essay. Feel free to comment(won’t let me edit first post). I’ll admit writing isn’t my specialty. </p>

<p>When I see my grandfather’s past, I realize the hope of being successful is achievable. The years of my grandfather being financially and personally torn changed me into believing that anything is possible. The absurdity of blistering through high school easily came to me as a conflict before the huge turn. However, now that I have learned my grandfather’s past, it’s true that anyone can achieve the American Dream. </p>

<pre><code>My grandfather, Hyman Weiss, was a man who stood on his own. Back in the early 1900s, Hyman immigrated along with his family to the wonderful country that was America. His tough attitude and outgoing spirit got the best of him. He was only 9 years old when he moved. He came from a not-so wealthy country which was Romania. His family had barely enough money to live. In order to stay alive, Hyman worked day and night. His mother didn’t have much success getting a job. Over the years, Hyman grew in the industry. He started from being a salesman all the way to being owner of Old Town Records. Eventually, his mother died and he had to support himself as well as his younger brother. But, that didn’t stop him either. With many hits, Old Town Records was a great success. Even though he was poor and had people he loved died, he got through it creating one of the biggest record labels of all time.

The death of my grandmother was something I can relate to with Hyman’s mother’s death. In the year 1996, my grandmother, Roz, who was married to Hyman died. She smoked heavily and was greatly addicted. I was only 6 when the startling death occurred. However, I remember it in specific details. Back then, I couldn’t remember as much as I do now. She was in the hospital bed feeling her last breath of fresh air. I was wondering what was happening. My parents didn’t give me the whole story. That day, she died knowing she left a wonderful life.

Not only was the personal aspects an influential turn for the best, but so was my financial position with my family. In 2004, my father, Ronnie, hurt his back. He went under disability. In other words, he wasn’t able to work. Meanwhile, my mother, Maureen, was working as a housewife. The financial situation got worse as the years went on. Because of the loss of money, I decided to get a job. I began to work at a card store nearby. It was a hard working experience.

The unpleasant thoughts of negativity soon went away when my mother told me the influential story of my grandfather. The death of Roz related to the death of his own mother by moving on and still getting success. It resulted in a great deal of feeling safe. I feel that without the sharing of stories, I would’ve felt insecure. His story has guided me in telling me that everything will be okay. As for the finance, the ambitious attitude he perceived caught me in an inspiring way. His heroic story of saving his family from living on the streets provoked me to work harder in life and then I can someday reach that American Dream.
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11

<p>Hmmm. I don’t think the OP read any of the replies.</p>

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<p>linsper23 I hope someone uses your essay. Just so you’d learn a lesson.</p>

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<p>Ummm I honestly think that the new essay is the same if not worse than the first draft. There is no connection at all with the reader and does a bad job at getting sympathy. And the introduction is basically the same sentence repreated 3 times.</p>

15

<p>^ I agree
The 2nd draft was really boring and its not even about you</p>

16

<p>How about showing this to an English teacher or ANY other teacher? The board strongly urges you not to post your essay!</p>

17

<p>This essay is terrible … even in the second draft it shows no focus on you as a person, you need to stop focusing on others and talk about yourself. Admissions officers want to know who you are as a person, so show how these obstacles and difficulties influenced your life. There is too much information in the first 4 paragraphs, and barely any in the last one where you talk about yourself.</p>