<p>Since yesterday she’s come up to me 3 separate occasions and said “What’s wrong Matthew?” There’s nothing wrong, and I dont know how to answer her. The first couple times I just shook it off, but this evening it really started aggravating me. During dinner she out of nowhere asked “What’s wrong?” and I sarcastically retorted “Well, I hear there’s some unrest in the Middle East, and some kids starving in Africa”. And she’s like “No, I mean with you” (obviously not catching the sracasm). I say nothing and ask why she thinks there is something wrong, and she says because Ive been quiet. (Which isnt unusual for me. I love my family, but there’s just not usually a whole lot in common I have to discuss with them). I try to shrug it off. Then a few minutes ago Im on the computer and she randomly walks in and shows me a picture of when I was 3 and she was holding me. I respond, sincerely “That’s a nice picture”, and again she goes “What’s wrong?” This time I not so nicely tell her I dont know what the **** she wants me to say and that I’d appreciate being able to relax without being psychoanalyzed. I calm down and ask her what the basis for her assertion that Im having a problem is, and she again cites the fact that I was quiet at dinner. </p>
<p>What’s going on? Can she not cope with the fact that Im leaving in a month, and thinks she needs to play problem solver one last time? How can I be sensitive to her feelings, yet make it clear that Im tired of her asking me the same question when she has absolutely no reason to.</p>
<p>Many kids deal with the upcoming separation by becoming difficult, and many parents deal with it by becoming clingy. Perhaps there is a little bit of both going on at your house. Your mother knows you are leaving and feels her role as your mother slipping away. And perhaps in anticipation of the change, and without even knowing it, you are being a little quieter or angrier than usual.</p>
<p>Either way, you should both cut each other some slack – show an extra measure of patience. Try to enjoy the time you have left. Once you go your lives together will never be quite the same again – even if you come back later.</p>
<p>I don’t know if you’re an only child, the eldest or the youngest - each scenario might play out a little differently. Sounds like it’s your mom who might be having a hard time dealing with your leaving. Sometimes it can seem like the pink elephant in the room that no one want to acknowledge or talk about. Rather than being flippant or hostile, why not take some time to go to her and gently “care-front” her: “Mom, you’ve been asking me a few times if anything was wrong. I appreciate your concern and can assure you that I’m fine. I know it’s a little strange right now thinking about how things will change for both of us when I leave for school. Is everything ok with you in dealing with this?”</p>
<p>A loving, patient sensitivity will go a long way to honest communication.</p>
<p>As a mom who is about to see her 2nd (and last) young adult leave for school, I can tell you that many moms (including me) go through a time of reminiscing and “good-by-ing” as this family chapter comes to a close.</p>
<p>Do you ever just sit and talk to your mom…does she have to initiate most conversations…do you act like she is annoying all the time…do talk about your life…</p>
<p>I mean as a parent, it is difficult if their child sits silently…</p>
<p>You don’t sound at all sensitive to what she is feeling and it doesn’t sound as if you try…when she brought in that picture, you should have stopped what you were doing, and said, gosh, wasn’t i adorable?</p>
<p>You, to me, in your post, come across as a bit selfish in your interactions with your mom…</p>
<p>“i say nothing”</p>
<p>Come on, you are an adult know, it you can show your mom some compassion…she took care of you for 18 years, and now you are going off to a new life, and the best you can do is…'that’s nice"?</p>
<p>i would bet if you opened your mouth, and started the conversations, walked up and just hugged her and said thanks, tell her you are going to miss her cooking…she would not be so concerned</p>
<p>Move out of YOUR comfort zone, realize that your mom is going to miss you, and find something to tak about…you are going to be, in life, surrounded by people you don’t have a lot in common with, and it helps if you can find some common ground</p>
<p>Your mom just wants some reassurance that you:</p>
<p>a) are happy with your college choice still
b) are looking forward to leaving home
c) will miss her
d) will remember the values that you learned from your family
e) are going to be a capable and safe young adult away from home
f) and [in direct contrast to ‘e’ above] that you still need her</p>
<p>There’s a lot going on in your mom’s head right now and she just needs reassurance, that’s all. She can’t believe that you have grown up so fast (to her it seems that way). Try not to see it as wanting to control you or meddling in your private life. </p>
<p>Perhaps you are acting a little bit quieter than normal for whatever reason (could be college-related or not) and that’s what she is picking up on. If so, you could reassure her pretty quickly by telling her what it is and letting her give you some advice. Or you could even take a small concern and make it a tiny bit bigger than it really is and let her help you with it. Her job is almost done and she probably is anxious about what to do next. So throw her a bone. Ask for advice about classes or cooking or laundry or something. Probably you are so capable by now that you don’t need help with these things, but your mom needs to feel useful. (It’s too bad you can’t go back in time to see her when she was pregnant with you because it’s amazing how busy moms-to-be get when preparing for the baby. It’s called nesting, and there’s probably a similar instinct in moms that kicks in when a kid is about to strike off on their own. We just need to do stuff and make sure you are really happy!)</p>
<p>For her sake, be as patient and loving as you can and know that in a month you will have more privacy and freedom than you’ve ever had before. She won’t know when you’re being quiet and won’t ask what’s wrong three times in one day.</p>
<p>Good advice on all fronts. I’ll try to alleviate whatever fears she has. And maybe I am going through something subconsciously. i doubt it, but maybe so.</p>
<p>Vyse,
Usually what happens when kids get ready to go to college is that the kids react by becoming more independent and go out of their way to distance themselves from their parents; meanwhile, the parents – realizing that a big part of their parental role is almost over, and fearing that as their kids become independent, the kids may sever ties with their parents – become more clingy and may become more controlling. </p>
<p>The more that each can have empathy and compassion for the other, the better things will be.</p>
<p>Everyone grows up and finds themselves. Your family isn’t something you choose: you’re dealt this set of cards and there’s no guarantee these people will have everything in common with you. Since you’re growing up into your own person, you’re finding that you’re having less and less in common with your parents and have little to talk about. Yes, it’s unrealistic for your mom to expect you to be clingy like a 3 year old. But reassure her that you’re still her child. Don’t alienate her–be nice.</p>
<p>Good of you to ask for the other perspective. Can I offer a suggestion? Once a week do something with just your mom for an hour. It doesn’t have to be planned or anything special - go for a walk; accompany her to the grocery store or on errands; see a movie. My daughters are more chatty and we can spend quality time just sitting at the table; but my son is not in to that type of chatter. He will just accompany me sometimes or initiate a request to hit the ball around, go for a walk, etc. and I know it is his way of being close and saying I get it mom, you need some time with me.</p>
<p>You have a mother who cares about you and wants to see you happy. Man, your life is hard. Write a poem about it.</p>
<p>She says she’s worried because you’re so quiet. To alleviate her fears, have you tried being less quiet? It just seems like the logical thing to do.</p>
<p>When my mother, God rest her soul, was going through menopause she asked me those same questions over and over again. I realized it wasn’t me it was her hormones.</p>
<p>Probably just a coincidence, but its another possibility.</p>
<p>Have you tried being totally open and explaining what’s going on in your head?</p>
<p>“Hey mom, I know you’re just trying to look out for me, but it’s kind of bugging me that you keep asking me what’s wrong. Actually, nothing’s wrong – I really am doing ok, and I’ll let you know if there’s anything I want to talk about. By the way, how are YOU doing lately? You seem a little anxious…” etc. I know it sounds cheesy but I’ve found that to be the best way to deal with my parents (especially a year ago, when I was getting ready to go off to school). It can be awkward to be so honest, but it can cut down on the nagging and it definitely makes them trust me more.</p>