<p>I can’t find who said the S is a guest, as conmama says in her post, but I’m glad she agrees with me on the principle. I do feel house rules trump legal rights to drink, for a guest or family member. For those that disagree, on the other side, who would want to argue that a person over 21 can drink any amount they want, at any time, no matter what the host may want?</p>
<p>Often times, such a young legal adult sees only a small part of the picture. They may see only that they are over 21 and have a right to booze. At that age they rarely see that the host has rights, and a parent has rights too, and that they are setting an example for a younger child that the parent does not want set. They may not see that respect for the hosts and their younger child should affect their behavior without it being necessary for the host to set specific rules. I wasn’t as thoughtful at 21 as I am now. </p>
<p>Sigh. Yes. I’m glad this thread came up. Yes, just because the kids become of age to drink does not mean they can drink all they want when they want where they want. A lot of my kid troubles started AFTER college which took me way aback as I thought they were out of that zone. </p>
<p>First of all, my kids sadly needed lessons in just plain old common sense matters which still pains me greatly. Thought they knew all of that stuff, but they thought those were my rules for them when they were kids and not society’s rules. I don’t know why this disconnect exists, but yes, it can. Not just with mine, and it’s not just one either but with a lot of my peers’ kids. From common courtesies like you tell people you are living with where you are going in general and when you are coming back, to just social nicities, some kids need to be taught everything. No, in my house, or in any family, guest type situation, you don’t buy yourself and only yourself a big fat smelly hoagie and start eating it with others around. There is that thing called manners. You don’t just buy a six pack and open one for no apparent reasons in environments where others are not doing so. And it’s not cool to be drunk and down right rude at times. Yes, you can be thrown in jail for public drunkenness even after age 21 and even if you are not driving or doing anything other than catching the attention of a cop in any way. </p>
<p>THough a person over 21 is legally allowed to drink any amount wanted at any time, most anywhere (not driving, on the job and other such situations, but you know what I mean), it doesn’t mean that it is appropriate and there are consequences for breaking social rules about that. It can also be dangerous. You also take others into consideration. </p>
<p>I’ve suffered through all of this and it still hurts as this was not something I needed to be taught and did not expect to have to spell it out to young adults.</p>
<p>I tried hard to teach my S by example, and learned good/bad from my dad. Sound like S of OP just isn’t noticing that he, perhaps with his contemporaries, are the only ones drinking the way they are drinking. Here again, they are seeing the small picture. They may think “adults do this” yet aren’t noticing that NO OTHER adult is, that it is only them. I am assuming this is true since OP has not mentioned excess drinking of any other guest. Such young adults may not grasp the idea- on their own- about choosing to cut back as a courtesy or from respect for the parents and with a younger child present.</p>
<p>Off tangent a bit, but I am reminded of my S wanting to entertain guests in his room with door closed, as a pre-teen. We don’t think that appropriate and told him so. Of course the “Why not?” followed. And though we don’t feel we have to justify our reasoning we chose to, hoping to head off the question again later when he was dating age. We explained the lack of respect and trying to avoid appearance of inappropriateness. Then I reminded him of a ladyfriend of wife and I, and that when she visited, we did not go to our bedroom and close the door. As I said before, he was seeing the small picture, and until it was pointed out to him, he hadn’t really realized I was right- I didn’t visit w/ guests behind closed doors either. In his young <em>small picture</em> world, he hadn’t noticed I followed the same rules/principles, until it was pointed out to him. </p>
<p>I agree with those who think this issue would be better as a topic of discussion, as opposed to a set of rules. I think the point about setting an example for the 15-year-old is a good one. I also like the suggestion that you treat this as you would some other, less-charged, problem, like overeating, or using up all the hot water.</p>
<p>And what would the house rule be? Nobody can drink more than three beers in a three-hour period at this house? Nobody can have more drinks after I feel they’ve had enough? If you decide to have a rule, make sure it’s one you can enforce without being a hypocrite.</p>
<p>We limit the amount of alcohol that we keep in the house. The kids are free to purchase it and bring it home, but I think they drink a lot less if they have to physically go out and purchase it. On a couple occasions where there has been free-flowing alcohol (parties or weddings), H has told S to “cool it” when he thinks he’s had enough. But I do agree with commenters that say that eventually, most kids drinking subsides with age. Most twenty-something guys, especially, tend to drink quite a bit when socializing. I’d worry more if they were drinking by themselves.</p>
<p>Hi thanks for all the responses. I’m the OP. See this is why I love this message board, allows me to clear my head a little and think through what I want, all while realizing that, more than likely, I can’t have it. Smile. What do I want? I want DS to reign himself in, all by himself, and show me he’s capable of controlling his drinking. Which I fully know is his job to do, not mine, so what I’m really looking for, is other parents who’ve been down this road and what have they done that’s helped the situation. Oh yeah, and I want to worry about him less. Hey, a girl can dream! I do completely agree with whoever said a heavy hand is sure to fail. I totally agree. As Con posted (yes Con it’s me!) this son has given me grey hairs on more than one occasion. However, he always lands on his feet and when he’s screwed up, he’s the first to raise the white flag, so that’s good. The last worrisome event a few months after turning 21, had his Dad and I take him out for a coffee and ask point blank ‘are you okay?’ We shared our concerns and he admitted that he needed to address occasional over drinking (pretty sure what I’d call over drinking and what he’d see as over drinking are not one in the same, so I do get that). We listened to his thoughts and then gave him our suggestions, but for sure, we mostly listened. In the end we told him that this was his problem to figure out, and if he ignored it, the consequences would/could be life changing. We gave him props for admitting that he needed to look at it, but told him that what we understood clearer than anything was this was his to solve, all we could do is be there if he needed us. It was a very candid conversation. I think the jury is out on this son of mine. I take great comfort from the posters who offer up that the early 20’s are usually the worst for this stuff, it certainly was for me, and I’ve shared that with my kids. I take great comfort from the posters who simply say ‘yeah, I worry about this too’. Whoever said, beer gut, hating being hungover, costs, I loved that too. I totally agree that my 15 yr old is my ace card and should be. When I feel I’m going off the rails so to speak about all of this I remind myself that the early 20’s are too soon to label anyone. So it’s tough. Keep the opinions coming, I’m reading them all. Hugs from cyberland. </p>
<p>Both of our sons (24 and 27) drink a lot of beer on weekends when out with their friends or in their own homes. They have never overindulged in our home (while we were there). They don’t drink during the week because they could easily lose their jobs. Both are in fields that do random drug testing frequently. DH says they’ll drink less beer when they get girlfriends who don’t like it!</p>