<p>Well folks memorial day weekend is over and there were one too many empties in the trash today for me! I had my 22 yr old (in his last year of college will graduate from 5 year program spring 2015), and 26 yr old daughter at home for the holiday, along with a couple of their friends. There’s a middle son, and he’d have been right there with them, but he’s living away. They all drink, which is their legal right, although the 26 yr old has finally started to drink less (thank God for small favors). And for the record my husband and I are casual weekend drinkers, always have been. The problem rests with the 22 yr old. He and said friend were often with a beer in hand. Never got sloshy, always carried on fine (which of course leads one to wonder just how much they drink on a regular basis) but definitely cheery if you know what I mean. They didn’t do any drinking and driving since that’s something they know we won’t put up with, and when we went out to dinner I was the DD. At the restaurant they order up and then once home, out comes the beer, which for the most part they provided. They aren’t tipping them back every two minutes, but between day drinking at the beach (they can walk there), or out back, and then at night, well you get the picture. Keep in mind they’ll go for a run, or play some tennis, or do some hiking, but once home - it’s party time. To be sure, I was the same way at their age, but that was back in the day and now I’m so much more conservative in this department, and I suspect they will be too. But I have to deal with the now. And, I’m no shrinking violet, so it was interesting that given the situation I didn’t pull said son aside and ask him to give his liver a break, or have husband do it, nope this time I sat back and just observed. It’s not the first time any of them have drank at home, and we’ve had conversations before, but do we really have to keep having the same conversation over and over? Now that they’ve gone back, I want next time to be different. So I guess what I’d like to ask is this: how have you handled this at your house, or how would you have handled this in the moment? What would you do I guess is what I’m asking. Oh and I have a 15 yr old still under my roof. </p>
<p>imo, how much drinking they saw growing up is a factor. So is youthful experimentation.
At over 21 they have a legal right to drink. But homeowner rights trump that. I have a right to cut-off or limit the consumption of any guest at my home, and family members too. Certainly I’d risk a guest not coming back if I cut off his booze, but that’s the risk I might take.</p>
<p>The less beer you have, the less they can drink…unless they are bringing their own. So…just provide a LOT less alcohol when they are at your house. Serve OTHER beverages.</p>
<p>From what you’ve posted it sounds like you want them to lay off the beer a little, correct?</p>
<p>If you don’t want them drinking so much and you’ve talked to your son about in more than once, you can set rules and enforce them or you can not bring it up and continue having him drink. </p>
<p>I know at holidays like Memorial Day the guys just bring the beers and drinks because they know that the houses generally don’t have that much drinks. The adults don’t mind except for a few, but they know the drinkers are of age. </p>
<p>Sounds like they are drinking responsibly. Be happy they are not drinking and driving and not getting sloppy drunk. Better to have them comfortable around you that going elsewhere and being unsafe. Keep setting good examples and they will eventually settle down…mostly a phase.</p>
<p>If they were underage it would be a whole different thing (though I hate the current US drinking age). In my day, states had their own laws, but 19 seemed to make sense as it meant the vast majority of HS students were too young, but most in college or in the military could legally drink.</p>
<p>You say you want next time to be different. Ideally, what is it that you want to see? </p>
<p>All I have to say raising 3 boys is they do slow down as they move through their twenties…either they simply get tired of hangovers or they start developing a beer gut or the thrill wears off, but they do slow down. I think it “feels” later for us olders because we got it out of our system between 18 and 21. Now they aren’t “legal” until 21 so it feels to me like the heavy beer consumption goes until closer to 25. We live in a resort area so it’s particularly prevalent if the kids come home for summer visits since the “tourists” like to pop their first ones in the morning or start with Bloodies and Mimosas because “they” are on vacation so it’s everywhere. Me, if I drink at noon now…i’m asleep at 3. </p>
<p>I’ve been concerned about the amount my 23 y.o drinks and have sat down with him to discuss it. But, I do have little control over his actions. Fortunately, he does not have a car as he is in a city with great public transportation and cabs. </p>
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<p>You decided for yourself at every stage how much you wanted to drink. Your sons have every right to do the same. You can of course impose rules which will seem hypocritical and insulting, and likely encourage them not to come home. </p>
<p>This is tough. On Christmas Eve, I suggested to my 22 year old that limit his beer intake to 3 for the evening. When he was home for Easter, I offered him a beer and he let me know that he was still angry about my 3 beer limit so he passed on the beer. Fine with me, but jeepers I was only trying to keep the early 20 group from turning Christmas into a college house party.</p>
<p>I’ve also been concerned about S2’s drinking. Like GTalum, he doesn’t have a car, uses public transportation or cabs, so at least he’s safe. He’s also 23yo, so there’s not much I can do about it. I guess we tend to forget what we were like at that age.</p>
<p>Alcoholism runs in my mom’s family, and I would not drink that much during meals at home. I don’t drink a ton anyway, but I do keep it pretty low when I’m with my family (one drink if that), and I know it would be upsetting to my mom to see me getting visibly affected. However, if my brother and I went home and ran through the volume of drinks being described, we’d pretty much clean my parents out and then some. There’s usually some beer in the house, but less than a six pack, and maybe an open bottle of wine if it was purchased for a particular reason.</p>
<p>A few thoughts - I’d feel awkward going through three beers at dinner with my family because I would clearly be the only person drinking nearly that much. Maybe my brother would be. If I go out to a bar with my friends, we’re all drinking that much. At my family’s house, my dad and grandmother might have one drink, and my mom wouldn’t have any. The other point is the point of using up the alcohol. If I was making a noticeable dent in the alcohol supply, I’d buy some. If there’s a lot there, it’s not so much of a dent. Places where I’d feel concerned would be if somebody is drinking a lot when nobody else is, drinking every day like they need to, or sneaking it. </p>
<p>I’d also like to mention that my parents currently have a family member staying with them who is significantly older than anyone on this thread’s children - far past of age - who is an alcoholic. This visit has been extended over a year, and they are very uncomfortable with the level of drinking going on in their house. They have ultimately told him that he has a deadline to stop drinking or leave. They can absolutely do that with the their house, their rules. The difference between that and the situations on this thread are that this relative really shouldn’t be staying with my parents (vs. your children visiting) and has been an imposition in many ways, and he is definitely an alcoholic. You absolutely have the right to both set rules in your house and offer guidance to your children - but a good response is not a guarantee.</p>
<p>ok. lots of useful thoughts on this subject. I think that this young son of mine drinks too much, will he taper off, will it become a very big problem for him, only time will tell. But for my house, the poster who writes that she’s had to cut off guests, yes that resonated with me. Next time he’ll be fore warned. I will tell him not to put me in that position, but if he does, I’m cutting him off. On occasion we’ve limited the amount of beer on hand, not sure how much was available this time, but I think that’s good advice too. I think we simply have to say out loud, hey it’s not happy hour 24 7 when your here, keep it in check and back off on your drinking. And full and fair disclosure? We enjoyed a beer or two at home ourselves with them. But then after two we’re done. IF he does or doesn’t have a problem, he still will have to limit himself when he’s home. AS for him not wanting to come home? Oh well, I guess that’s his choice to make, I’m certainly not going to roll out the drinking carpet for fear of his absence. I find that they like us just fine and always come around. </p>
<p>Do you do that with all your guests? Do you put out one glass of wine and say “this is all you get because that’s all I think you need or should want?” Sounds like everyone is just having a good time for a fun weekend. </p>
<p>How about trying a conversation before a “warning?” There 's a big difference between “I’m concerned with the amount that you’re drinking. It isn’t healthy for you, and I worry that it may go from something you enjoy to something you depend upon in dangerous ways.” and “Listen here young man: in my house, I make the rules, and if you have more than x beers, you’re out of here. Party’s over.”</p>
<p>It seems relevant to me that as you’ve described it, your issue is with the drinking itself, not with any of the associated behaviors that sometimes come with it. Your son isn’t walking around drunk, isn’t putting himself or others in danger by driving, isn’t becoming hostile and withdrawn, etc. All he’s doing is drinking more than you feel is good for him. It is your right to lay down the law if you want, but under the circumstances, I’m not sure why the response should be any different than it would be if your S had a sweet tooth and was stuffing his face with cookies and chips all day, which might lead to a heart-to-heart, but wouldn’t probably warrant a “my way or the highway” ultimatum. </p>
<p>I am curious as to how you measure “too much” when it comes to drinking? Everyone handles alcohol differently, and given their constitution and likely drinking frequency (which peaks in this “experimental” stage for most people) it is not at all surprising that their consumption seems high compared to yours. They appear to be handling themselves well, not endangering or embarrassing themselves, others, or you, and the long term effects are not likely very high, so I am just struggling to see what you are hoping to do.</p>
<p>I think the most likely result of control attempts (without solid, reasoned explanations) will be to drive them away. They will either come to your house less often or else will come for a brief while before heading to an “afterparty” which will be beyond your control and at which they will almost certainly drink MORE.</p>
<p>If you feel you must restrict the consumption of alcohol for your “of age” sons, the only framing I can see which could work and would be justifiable is the fact you have a 15 year old son still living at home and regularized drinking of alcohol around him may not set the best example for him. </p>
<p>If you try to base it on other factors such as appeals to their health or your personal dislikes, this could easily be taken as a sign of excessive parental meddling in areas which is now the complete domain and responsibility of each of those “of age” sons and likely to result in contentious arguments or them preferring to avoid your house/company. </p>
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<p>Unless the individual concerned has had a demonstrated past history of alcoholism or getting so drunk he/she acts in a manner which is embarrassing or infuriating for the rest of the family, imposing a limit is likely to result in a negative response. </p>
<p>Especially if the individual concerned has shown himself to be highly responsible otherwise and not inclined to being treated like a child without reasonable justification. </p>
<p>To do otherwise can be taken as impugning their integrity and reputation earned from prior demonstrated responsible history. </p>
<p>I can sympathize with the son here as I had a similar reaction to an aunt and my mother who both admonished me for having two glasses of wine at a relative’s wedding at around a slightly older age even though both knew very well I only drink during social occasions like weddings, never had issues with drunken behavior or alcohol, and seldom keep alcohol in my apartment. </p>
<p>They understood very well I felt wronged at how they forgot my prior track record of responsibility in this area when I retorted “Have you mistaken me for [older relative who did have serious problems with balancing the party/beer major with academics and was known as a ne’er do well]”. </p>
<p>Both of them immediately got the hint and backed off. </p>
<p>To the OP- I totally relate to how you feel. I went through all the same issues with my son. He definitely drank more than made me comfortable (and H and I are social drinkers) all through college and beyond. My daughter told me that you can’t really tell if someone has an alcohol problem until after college, since most college students drink way too much. Every year that he has matured, things have improved, and when he got into serious triathlon training, the drinking really, really tapered off. He’s at the top of his sport for an amateur, and that has really helped, although there are definitely still some “celebrations” and binges, I suspect. I saw one of them after his Kona Ironman last year when he and his coach practically filled our condo with empty beer bottles.</p>
<p>There isn’t a whole lot you can do, because guys (especially) that age think they are just fine and have everything under control. Just wanted to tell you I hear you!</p>
<p>It might be worth watching the amount of consumption and see if it passes these suggested limits. <a href=“Drinking Levels Defined | National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA)”>http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking</a> If so, conversationally, it might be worth mentioning that you are seeing what is defined as excess consumption in some quarters. Yes, you son will probably age out of such behavior. However some of his peers may not, leading to a life long problem, and that is something to be aware of with time. It is also worth pointing out that you would rather he not model defined excesses in the presence of your younger son, and that female limits are quite different. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, I am impressed that he drinks in your company, as it shows a level of trust and honesty. My kids see me as a teetotaler, as I rarely drink, and they certainly like their alcohol, but rarely in my presence, so I miss out on a certain amount of time with them when home. So if you choose this discussion, keep it very light, very casual. </p>
<p>Fullmom!! (you are the fullmom I’m thinking of right?)…been a long time from the other board (which I never frequent anymore since all the techie issues)! If you are one and the same…how the heck are you???
First…to your issue. I would agree with your stance…and we’ll be coming up on that in about 6 months time. I think your house rules trump what he wants. He’s not a guest as someone else suggested. He’s your son, and has lived with you and watched your values (which include responsible drinking) his whole life. Like you, my DS has a younger brother. I’ve always been upfront with my boys, although the way I present things to them has changed over the years. I would probably tell him I understand he’s an adult, and can do what he likes outside your home…but you think that the drinking is a bit to excess, and would appreciate it if he watched it a bit more (and drank some water). I would also mentioned that his brother is watching him (plus your younger child is watching YOU and how you handle it, also). You would prefer he and his friends pull back some…have a good time…but hey…it’s your house! Your preferences. I still think these young kids still don’t have the fully developed pre-frontal cortex maturity and although, legal adults, are not truly fully mental adults…and can still use some guidance. I also think they will continue to “push” the limits until they fully mature…like your 26 year old.</p>
<p>As far as DS1 (and you know all the issues), things have gotten much better, Fullmom! JUst like you said. He has matured so much from 2 years ago when he graduated H.S. No more angry outbursts, or teenage angst. He has settled down and we actually have quiet conversations. He helps around the house, his room is picked up, (no more sneaking out! LOL!) He’s working almost 40 hours a week as a guard. Just SO much better on that front. School wise, he still is struggling…but improved. His first semester was a disaster at a 1.0 (like we had all anticipated on I.V.). I think he probalby didn’t go to class much. Last semester, I know for a fact that they went to almost all his classes. He actually ended up doing very poorly on one and failed it afater we told him to withdraw. The other ones he did OK in. I think it actually bothered him quite a bit. There is progress. He has a 2.2 GPA, which is still really not great…but he’s not on academic probation and seems to be…little by little…getting better. It’s almost has if he now where his peers were 2 years ago. I have to keep in mind he is dealing with symptoms of sluggish cognitive tempo, executive functioning deficits. He said the meds help him alot or he doesn’t feel like doing anything. Anyway, that is where we are 2 - 3 years later from all the issues in H.S. </p>
<p>Nice to see you!!! Con</p>