I attend university very far from my family - I come from Western Canada and my school is on the East Coast. I went far because of the opportunities there and it didn’t bother me as a freshman but now, I’m about to return home for second semester sophomore year and I find that I am missing them a lot. This last semester was very stressful for me, i.e. I started getting panic attacks around my final exam time and I ended up having to make some special arrangements for testing. I feel very safe and cared for when at home (perhaps a bit too much direction hah) but when I’m there I feel lonely and sad quite a bit - I feel (and it’s true to some extent) I have no one to rely on, no one really cares what happens - it’s a very competitive school etc. etc. and I’ve also been dealing with issues regarding my sexuality which have been stressful along with coursework/ECs. Last year, I think, many of my friends lived around me and we had fun but now I’m not living by friends as much (for a host of reasons) so I think that’s also contributing.
Lately there have been a bunch of losses - at my uni etc. (not always people I know well, but people I knew) and that’s made me very concerned about my parents’ health.
I know about therapy - I am seeing someone but do you guys have any other suggestions? I hate feeling weak like this.
Does your Uni have a counseling center? Also, can you get evaluated for anxiety?
Figure out how to be around your friends at college more…or make more friends.
Is there a club at school related to your sexuality that you could join?
Thanks for the suggestions. I think I will facetime them regularly.
I definitely have anxiety and was referred out by the counselling centre to get evaluated. I think the thing with my friends is that they’re great, but everyone is busy and they don’t live on my floor. I find it hard to make more friends now at this stage, but I will try to stay open minded and be more friendly. I will look into the club - they definitely exist, but I’m not sure if the type of people there are my type - although I care about social causes, I’m not an activist per se. That being said - I won’t know unless I try.
I am also going to work on my time management. I was ok last semester but I could’ve been much better - I think that will alleviate my stress and free more time to do fun things.
Right now, I just feel scared and fragile and I hate it. I want to be strong! As I’ve gotten older I have grown more and more thankful for my family and their support of me while life has simultaneously gotten harder. And also with all the terrible things going on lately, I worry a lot for their safety (even over irrational stuff). It’s crazy.
My daughter has anxiety and being on meds has helped tremendously.
Time management:
How to Become a Straight-A Student: The Unconventional Strategies Real College Students Use to Score High While Studying Less by Cal Newport. It helps you with things like time management and how to figure out what to write about for a paper, etc.
@ecouter11 you are not weak, you are human, you are also going through the process of growing up, which contrary to popular belief is not a straight upward trajectory, but more of a one step forward, two step back process for most of us. So separating from your family as you transition to adulthood is going to have times when you feel confident and can handle it all and other times when you want to go back and crawl onto your mother’s lap and hug and cry. As you are separating, you are realizing just how challenging adult life can be. The years of college are kind of a period of gradual release because you are still in a semi-structured environment and your parents are still somewhat responsible for you.
When your stress level went up last term, you were in that state of wanting to revert back to the life you had before college, and going home for break felt cozy and safe. The reality is though, that you can’t really go back, only forward, and if you did go back it is very likely that it wouldn’t make you feel any better after a very short time.
For now, continue your efforts in counseling. Make sure to keep your studies and grades up as much as possible because this will keep options open for you. And do take advantage of the communication technology available nowadays. You can easily text and talk with your parents everyday if that makes you feel more connected.
I agree with keeping in touch with your family and connected to counseling. Being connected to family is not weak. There is no reason people should think it is normal to be shipped across the country at a particular age for school and it should have no impact. Of course many people miss family and friends, as you are finding out. As people have pointed out, it is about being human. Being connected is a very good thing. And connected people will naturally miss those they are close to. Have you considered transferring to a school closer to home?
D is a junior and we still do biweekly Skypes with her. We purchased a panoramic camera with a speaker that fits on top of the TV so we can all converse at once. D is bigger than life on the TV so for some reason it feels like she is closer. Usually they last anywhere from 15 minutes to a couple of hours depending on how much we have to get caught up on.
I think sophomore year can be one of the toughest emotionally. The newness has worn off yet you still feel just as far from graduation. You are in the middle of the tunnel and can’t see the light at the other end yet. The university has kind of moved on to coddling the new freshman and you haven’t yet moved on to being a part of that subset of students that is your major. Assuming your doing OK academically I think you’ll feel at least a bit better next year. You’ll be able to imagine that light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck.
I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words. I just came home for a couple weeks off after finals and am heading back to school for summer research, and I’m feeling the same way.
@NorthernMom61 you are entirely accurate about my feelings! It really is a rollercoaster. Honestly, being an adult, is so hard at times. From managing finances (always fun), to immense quantities of work, personal relationships, and personal goals…it’s so overwhelming. I also attend school in Manhattan (Columbia), and I feel like there’s nothing to keep me grounded or centred there - the people are always changing, there’s always tonnes of noise, action, movement, which is lovely when you’re with friends and happy and excited, but sometimes very alienating.
This semester I worked really hard to improve my relationships with my friends, and improve my relationship with myself - sometimes you really have to let go to be happy, and sometimes you have to sit down and swallow some medicine.
Truly spot on. When I’m at home, I feel both safe and stifled.
I am glad that I could help. Hang in there, the roller coaster ride that is a good life is a special thing. We all need to keep that in mind and appreciate it.
I’m going back to school soon and I’m feeling sad all over again. It’s interesting - once I get there and get busy, it’s fine, but right now, I’m filled with dread. There are lots of good moments, and there are lots of times where you’re holed up in your room with so much work and expectations and you don’t see anyone that you care about, and the people who do don’t have time. My family is actually dropping me off and helping me move in, so it will help, hopefully.
Ah dread, the knowledge that you are going to have to feel the pain of separation from your family again. It hurts. The reason is hurts is because you love this family and they love you. The reason you feel pain is because you know what it feels like to be loved. The love part is a tremendous gift. Accept that it hurts to be moving away from your family as you grow up. Feel sad, it’s okay. Then get busy, focus on what you are at school to do, work hard, be proud of yourself and keep on moving forward.
@ecouter11 and @NorthernMom61 - your exchange is very true to life and reminds me both of the impending separation from my son, which never stops hurting but does get easier, and my own departure from home many years ago. I had no idea how much I would miss my mother and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Ecouter11, when I miss my son like crazy, I try to remind myself these are only feelings, which do change over time. It sounds trite, but when one is feeling really sad, if one can hold onto the fact that it will pass, sometimes that makes it bearable. I also took on new responsibilities at work, which is the “get busy” part. My last piece of advice -when you are feeling sad, finding an online community can provide some solace too. Quite a few parents here on CC for that exact reason.
Remember this - working through feelings of loss is one of the toughest things we have to do as humans, but one day you will realize that you have evolved into an adult, and you can feel proud.
What you say is so true @nycparent12, we parents are missing our kids terribly too. It hurts. I try to focus on all of the exciting things that my daughter is having the chance to do, and everything that she is learning. I also focus on her happiness, but am there for her when she is sad.
I know I am very lucky and blessed and am extremely thankful. I think the challenge for me, honestly, is that it’s hard to develop a support system which I trust besides my family. I guess you develop it slowly, as you fall in love or spend more time with your friends, but it’s hard. Once I get there and get busy and stay focused and fall back into routine, it’s fine, but it’s hard to deal with. I am aware that as you get older, you don’t get or need as much support, but its a tough transition because of the different environment and different responsibilities. Loneliness is somewhat prevalent at my university, so I wonder if it’s just unique to my school.
Anyway, best wishes to both of you and your children. I am sure they appreciate all that you do for them and the essential place you have in their lives. Reading your posts makes me realize that perhaps I should feel more sorry for my parents
No need to feel more sorry for your parents, just know that they are in this with you in a way. They have to send you to do this college/adult transition thing because they want to give you the foundations for success, it’s their job.
Accept that it hurts, you and your parents are both saying good-bye to your childhood. It must have been a good one if you feel the way that you do.
And you are correct, building the new relationships that will eventually help to sustain you takes time, you may or may not meet the people who are going to be most special to you right away. But you keep putting yourself out there so that you are open to it when it happens.
Be ever so grateful that you were loved as a kid and that you have this opportunity for this education in part because of that love. Work hard and do the best you can.
I didn’t read the other answers, just your text and I’m basically in a similar situation so I just have to answer. Study in Canada, but from Europe, so parents and friends are in Europe. I’m also in my second year and just returned back to Canada a few days ago. I also feel safe at home, at my parent’s house. Feels like they still take care of me…here I’m on my own again. No one feeds me, no one is going to do anything for me. Leaving my parents behind when I go to my gate at the airport is still such a lonely and still scary feeling, although I’m second year. I think it just needs getting used to (to living alone and independently) again, because it’s kind of nice to have you parents take care of your needs, who doesn’t like that. For me it helps to use whatsapp and Skype with my mum, keep souvenirs from my hometown in my room and a picture of my parents.
Distraction also helps, like trying to make friends. Now at the beginning, there are new freshmen who are probably desperate to find a friend, so it’s your chance to not feel alone. I found that for me, as soon as I have friends, I miss my parents much less. Also because we can do certain “challenges” like cooking etc together. Friends can become like family, so definitely try to make an effort to find them. If you live in the student res, go out of your room to the kitchen, so they’d er you exist. If not, join any club just to meet new people to participate in activities your Uni offers.
Also, explore the place as much as possible. Canada is soo beautiful (I’m in the West but I’m sure the East is too) and there’s so much to do and see, to feel at home again in this place. I understand though if you would miss Western Canada, you’re more than lucky to come from such an amazing place and in contrast to me, you can always live there later.
Your parents and friends will always be in your heart, and if you’re lucky, only a plane ride away.
