<p>My grandfather (mom’s dad) passed away at 12:15 this morning. </p>
<p>He is the first really close family member that I’ve lost (besides great grandparents). And it’s weird because I was crying a lot when I found out how sick he was, but after I found out that he’d passed all I could think was how glad I was because he’s not suffering anymore. My family that was here all sat around celebrating his life and then we went to sleep.</p>
<p>I do feel, though, like it’s not real. I feel like I’m going to wake up at home and find out that he’s fine. Is it normal to feel all this at the same time?</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s unusual at all for your unhappiness for your grandfather to have been focused on the time when he became ill, rather than now. I had a similar reaction when my grandmother developed Alzheimer’s disease. I was upset then about losing the woman I had known, who was so changed by her illness. When she died a few years later, it really didn’t bother me much.</p>
<p>As zoosermom says, it takes time to adjust fully to such a change in your family. Even now, three years after my father’s death, I often have the impulse to call him on the phone and tell him about something interesting that’s happened to one of his grandchildren. It takes me a moment to remember that I can’t call him anymore. </p>
<p>Your grandfather has obviously been an important part of your life. Don’t stop mentioning him in conversation. He’s still important. It’s just that the two of you aren’t in the same place now. But as long as you remember him, he’s still part of your life.</p>
<p>It’s funny, Marian, I really wasn’t too close with him. I think it was more sadness that he was still suffering, and then relief now that he’s not suffering anymore.</p>
<p>I was close with him in some respects. I was born on his 60th birthday, which I always thought was special and I’ll always hold as special. And I have lots of good memories and stories to hold on to.</p>
<p>But even more I am so glad that I came (it’s about a 6-hour drive from where I live) when I did and got to say goodbye. I think had I not I really would’ve regretted it. Thank you both for your kind words of advice.</p>
<p>It sounds like you’re going to see a lot of family members in the next few days, since you traveled to see your grandfather before he died and I assume you’ll be staying for the funeral? You’ll probably find that many of them will have the same reaction you did. </p>
<p>When my kids attended their great-grandmother’s funeral a couple years ago, they were surprised that people were chatting and laughing during the wake. They thought everyone would be crying and sad. But we were remembering the funny times in her life, and the joy she brought to us. And celebrating that she lived the long, full life that she did. We were sad to lose her, but glad to have a chance to get together with other family that we hadn’t seen in a while. You may have a similar experience - a mixture of laughter and tears.</p>
<p>Remember, feelings aren’t right or wrong - they just ARE. It sounds like your reactions are totally normal. Don’t be surprised if your feelings change in the next few weeks or months - you may find your relief turning to sadness as the reality of his death finally sets in. Or, since you said you weren’t that close, you may find that your life goes on essentially unchanged. That’s ok too, don’t feel guilty.</p>
<p>May I also suggest that you be considerate of your mom’s feelings for a while? If you didn’t notice another thread where several posters, including myself, mentioned our inability to delete loved ones from our cell phones after their deaths. I lost my dad in April and even though we had our complications, it was very tough. The loss of a parent is painful on so many levels. Of course, one grieves the loss, but there’s also the loss of the security of having a parent to turn to, stepping up in line and knowing that you’re “next.” The holiday season is also upon us and that is particularly hard. Best of luck to you during this difficult time.</p>
<p>WHen you lose a grandfather, you sometimes lose a leader within a family.
It’s uncomfortable because you might see all your family members, in the coming year, struggling to get through each “first” – first Thanksgiving or Christmas without him. Maybe people will change where they gather for big holidays, or maybe if your grandma’s still feeling well, she’ll still be the matriarch. If she is feeling tired, she might want to see her children be the organizers for family events.</p>
<p>All of these are family changes that shake out. These are normal shifts in generations. Don’t feel badly if you see your parents, aunts, uncles all trying to figure out how to get along without the leadership of the grandfather. </p>
<p>In the meantime, the most comforting thing is to be among family now, since they’re on the same page as you, more or less, dealing with a loss. </p>
<p>It is wonderful that you have real memories. They will last for your lifetime and maybe someday you can pass down those stories. If people can tell stories about him this week, that’s very healing and consoling. But for me, it takes a year because I have to get through each new holiday, a new first, without the familiar presences and structure I know. </p>
<p>You said lived away and say you weren’t so close, but I wonder…he might represent something to you, in terms of time, history, his story. If he was in any way a leader to others in your family, his loss is very real to you, regardless of the miles between.</p>
<p>Oh, I definitely think you’re right, paying3. I am definitely hit hard despite not being close to him…I think any death in the family hits you hard. I think at this point (at least for me) it’s more about being there for the rest of my family. I just don’t feel that sad.</p>
<p>I definitely think that when you believe death is not just an end of suffering, but moving toward the light, it is a matter for rejoicing and it is easier to feel this when an elderly person crosses over. I’m glad you can see it this way.</p>
<p>HGFM, I’m very sorry to hear about your Grandfather’s death. I hope that you and your family can find peace and comfort in your faith. It has been helpful for me. It’s been 8 months since my mom passed and I still have difficult days.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross talks about the stages of the dying/grief process in her book Death And Dying. According to her, there are five stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargining, Saddness and Acceptance. When I was in nursing school I thought that these stages came in order, but for me, grief comes in waves and I vascilate between the different stages although I accept her death. I’ll be going along just fine and then something will happen that will make me want to call her and I’ll get all teared up.
My mom always told us that she was ready to see the face of God and that she did not fear death. We all miss her greatly, but we know that she is in a better place and will be there waiting for my Dad with open arms.</p>
<p>Kubler Ross’ theories, while highly respected, have been altered just a bit since her book was published, and the most recent thoughts pretty much correlate with what Sarahsmom speaks to… the stages still exist, but not in such a rigid, direct forward moving momentum. People move in and out of the various stages, depending on the context of their lives.</p>
<p>HGFM - just to give you a head’s up… as you get older, and know more people who die, including ones you might feel more connected to, your new griefs will stir up your old griefs - meaning, when you think you haven’t mourned someone “enough”, you may find several years later, when someone else dies, you might be surprised by the intensity of your reaction, and trace it back to your grandfather’s death (or another death).</p>
<p>Grief is very, very complicated and it’s not unusual for people to question their reactions. The biggest issue I have with grief is when people automatically assume that if it’s a family member who has died, that their surviving family members should be devastated. Many people grieve the loss of a dear friend more than they would a family member if that friend had a deeper connection with the survivor than their family did. </p>
<p>My main point - be kind to yourself, and don’t question your integrity when you’re not responding the way people might expect you to. You are the only one who had the unique relationship with your grandfather and know what is appropriate for you.</p>
<p>As others have said, your reactions oare normal. Even though you weren’t that close to him, you still may find yourself crying or even laughing uncontrollably (I did both when my parents died) or you may continue to feel a bit detached from the situation. All are normal.</p>
<p>I also hope you’ll be able to be a support to your parent whose father just died. Months after my mom died, I still felt like I was in a fog. I had problems with short term memory, got into a car accident that was due to my being distracted (my car was totaled, but fortunately, no one was hurt), and I had a variety of stress-related medical problems. Of course, I was out of it or short tempered a lot with my kids…</p>
<p>If you have any interest in learning about family history, funerals are usually a good time for this because people do lots of reminiscing.</p>
<p>My sympathies to you and your family. While you are mourning, it is very normal to feel a wide range of emotions, even numbness. Allow yourself the time to mourn and enjoy the good memories of your grandfather.</p>
<p>HGFM, I’m very sorry to hear about your loss… It is very normal to have the feelings you are describing. My grandfather died when I was in college, and I still get emotional when I think about him because my parents did not tell me about his death right away. When I arrived home, I could not believe he was gone and kept checking his room hoping to see him asleep in his chair with a newspaper in his lap… I’m glad you were able to say goodbye to your grandfather.</p>
<p>My grandfather had a near fatal heart attack this summer. Luckily he’s better now, but when his time does eventually come, I dont think im going to handle it very well. When he was in the hospital I oscillated between being too upset to do anything, to being extremely bored and longing for home (this was after I was pretty sure a recovery was inevitable), to feeling guilty for even thinking that, and so on. I also dont like thinking about how lonely my grandmother would have been if she had survived him that day.</p>
<p>Bunsen, that’s unfortunate. When my grandfather had his heart attack, I didnt hear right away either. He’d been feeling “off”, and she and my grandmother took him to see his personal physician. His physician is a friend of the family, and he inspected him right away. He knew immediately something was wrong, and he drove him to the hospital where my grandfather had a heart attack in his physician’s very office (call it luck, divine intervention, whatever you want. That’s lights out at his age if not dealt with immediately)</p>
<p>After like 3 hours I called wanting to know how he was doing. my mom answered and said he “was having chest pains”. This didnt fool me, and I asked if he’d had a heart attack, to which she responded in the affirmative (at this point she didnt knwo if he’d live or not, and I think she was hoping she could wait till she knew before she called me). She then asked if she should tell my sister, and I told her that if she didn’t I was going to.</p>
<p>Your story has been resolved to let my mom know that if anything happens while Im gone she needs to call me immediately. In the age of facebook and online newspapers, things could go even more awry than they did for you.</p>
<p>Grief is a very weird emotion. I thought I knew all about it and handled it well until a very dear friend died recently. Now I find myself going through all those stages mentioned. Definitely not in any order and going back and forth. Some days I think it’s going to be okay, and others are just horrible. That acceptance stage is going to take a long time.</p>
<p>Luckily I’m not too worried about whether my reaction is normal or not. I just accept it for what it is. I could be driving myself crazy with the questions. Why would I grieve a friend more than my FIL? Maybe because I had daily contact with friend who was only 57 while FIL lived in FL, was in his 90’s and had alzheimers. Should I have spent more time with friend in his last months? Would that have made me feel better now, or worse?</p>
<p>There’s no right way or wrong way to feel when someone you care for dies.</p>
<p>Well, I’ve definitely been crying a lot more in the last day and a half or so. I think partly I was really in shock because he passed so quickly. The people at the hospice told us he might have 5 days even, and then all of a sudden he was just…gone. </p>
<p>I cried a LOT with my mom, sister and brother last night. And at the same time we were talking about all the memories we all have with him, which has been really nice. I’ve been thinking about stuff that I hadn’t thought of in years.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your condolences and kind words…it means so much to me. I think it’s also been hard because aside from my great-grandparents, this is the first death in my family. So I probably just don’t know how to deal quite yet. But again, thank you all SO much.</p>
<p>Do think about him being reunited with those who he’s been separated from all these years. like his parents, siblings, etc. Thinking that way was the only way I could get through my mother’s memorial service last year. I just pictured her up there with Dad, and I felt that she was alright.</p>