Advice on "moving on" after a difficult year?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Last year, I was in a graduate program that really wasn’t a great fit for me, largely due to a faculty member who I worked with who was, at least for me, psychologically destructive to a very high degree. Combined with some physical health issues (severe but not lifethreatening) that forced me to modify my career path (my previous career path included some very physical elements) and the fact that the faculty were not particularly empathetic about it, it was not a good situation, to the point where it induced self-injury and suicidal ideation. Luckily, I had established very good relationships with other faculty and was able to switch out from under the psychologically destructive faculty member without jeopardizing my funding, productivity, academic standing, or publication record after the situation became so bad as to be not worth it. That helped my mental and emotional well-being tremendously, including quickly halting my self-injury. I got my Masters and transferred to a new university, which is, so far, an excellent fit in terms of mentorship and my new career path, and in general, I feel much, much better.</p>

<p>That said, the last year took a toll on me, and looking back on it, I still feel kind of… fragile. I never saw a therapist or anyone about it, although I did talk to someone from student affairs a couple of times, who concluded that a) I wasn’t a danger to self or others, b) my mood clearly dramatically improved once I stopped working with that destructive faculty member, and c) my publication record is really awesome–my publication record was actually all she wanted to talk about during our follow-up meetings, and she never mentioned self-injury in them. I don’t feel like I need a therapist now, as I’m pretty much better (no suicidality, self-injury, etc).</p>

<p>I guess my main question is, how to go about picking up the pieces after a rough year? Is it just a matter of focusing on my current work and creating temporal distance between myself and the difficult situation? Any experiences, etc?</p>

<p>Thanks in advance.</p>

<p>PS. I know that compared to many situations, mine wasn’t too bad, but the combination of the unexpected, forced career path change and the faculty situation was hard on me, personally.</p>

2

<p>You don’t get extra credit in life for going through a tough period without counseling. Why go it alone? If you’re feeling fragile- that’s what a mental health professional is for- to help you get your mojo back.</p>

3

<p>I ag, BsFeeling like you want to self destruct is not something to just let go. Life does move along, and you were and are lucky that the next phase turned out favorable to you. Some people do get “one-two” punches of great difficulty and get knocked out. Better to get yourself in good emotional and pyschological shape for future issues. Getting help can make a big difference and getting it now while not in crisis mode is much more useful. Not a good time to take swimming instruction when you are drowning.</p>

4

<p>I think the key for you is to be able to recognize toxic relationships before they get to the point of suicide and self harm. As others on here have mentioned you don’t get any extra points for being able to extricate yourself from a bad situation without any outside help. Now that you are feeling more stable I would try to find a counselor who can help you recognize toxic people and learn to deal with them in a way that does not include self harm.</p>

5

<p>Sometimes, during hard times, the main thing is just surviving, and it is afterward that we really feel the trauma. I think seeing a therapist would be really helpful in order to heal. We hold these bad experiences in our body, literally. You might also want to find someone who does EMDR, which is great for PTSD and other reactions after-the-fact to difficulties.</p>

<p>You sound like a strong, talented person who has great perspective and even humility. The fact that you thought to add a note that others have it worse shows real character, in my view. But at the same time, try to recognize and accept the seriousness of what you went through - in order to move forward. Distraction can work in the short term (Including the distraction of hard work and success) but processing the hard times last year with a therapist might really make things easier in the long term.</p>

6

<p>When I was about your age I had a similar toxic, psychologically destructive boss. One night (these types of thoughts always seem to come in the middle of the night) I found myself actually thinking that suicide would be a better option than going to work the next day and facing her. The next day I quit the job… in the light of day it was certainly clear that I couldn’t continue in it, regardless of what damage it might do to my career to bail on this position, which I had only held for a couple of months. I managed to land softly – a person in another department who had helped the boss with interviews took me into his department (in spite of nastiness about it from the toxic boss), so I didn’t end up with a career blot, just a change in positions within the same company.</p>

<p>I did not seek counseling, but this was really a one time thought, and I took immediate action. If you still feel fragile, then by all means go see a psychologist and talk through this situation. I am sympathetic to how damaging a person in power can be to your psychological well being. If nothing else, learning some tools and techniques from them to strengthen your own sense of self and well being will help if you ever run into something like this again. Good luck!</p>

7

<p>You might get over it with time on your own, but why not get help? There’s no shame in it.</p>

8

<p>Remember to be gentle with yourself and give yourself credit for getting through such a difficult year. That in itself is an achievement. You will not get rewarded by being self-critical. There are times in life when that’s useful. This doesn’t sound like one for you, and certainly not merited.</p>

<p>When we’ve been abused, it’s oddly tempting to continue the abuse by abusing ourselves. Don’t!</p>

9

<p>However long you were suffering in this situation, give yourself at least that long to heal. If you had a miserable year, do not expect to be back to normal just because you ended it, it could easily take you a year to process it all and move on. That does not mean wallowing, but rather exactly what you are doing, moving on and reclaiming your life and your success.</p>

10

<p>I’m going to tell you one of my favorite stories:</p>

<p>Two monks have taken vows never to speak and never to touch a woman. They are walking together and come to a stream. A woman is standing on the bank. She asks for help. One of the monks speaks, “Climb on my back and I’ll carry you across.” She does and he does.</p>

<p>Decades pass. The monks have reached the age where they are released from their vow of silence. One monk says to the other, “Why all those years ago did you speak to that woman and carry her across that stream?” The other monk responds, “Why are you still carrying her?”</p>

<p>You can dress up the story all you want. You can add details to make it matter to you. You can try to figure out why. But at some point you must ask yourself, “Why are you still carrying it?”</p>

11

<p>I love that story Lergnom! </p>

<p>DD had a toxic non-romantic relationship in HS that really tore her apart. We as a family decided to have her see a therapist. She only went for 3 or 4 months, but it helped so much. She learned what was dangerous in the other person and developed strategies for dealing with this person. She was able to turn the situation around with the therapist’s help. She also learned a lot about herself and what in her was causing her to attract dangerous (to her) people. </p>

<p>She could have healed with time, but she might not have gained the self awareness and confidence in herself to make sure she didn’t get into a pattern of this type of relationship. Basically she had to learn how to read people and how to /protect herself, and the therapist did wonders for that.</p>

<p>I can tell you are still raw from the experience. A therapist can help you safely evaluate your situation and help you to heal and grow stronger in a healthy way.</p>