Agree with all - let her grieve, then stay with the house she’s in. If she still wants to switch next year - and she may not - then she can.
I find this interesting as many anti-Greek people on CC have recommended that schools do away with Rush and just assign any woman who wants to join a sorority to just be assigned to one. That seems to be the system here, but with results that don’t make everyone happy because somehow there are still ‘better’ houses.
I’d actually suggest she not join a house/club if independents can just visit as they wish (without the $400). I don’t see how her chances would be better if it really is just a random assignment the next year.
Not everyone is going to be happy with any system. Kids get upset about dorm assignments too.
At least OP’s D doesn’t have to wonder what’s wrong with her or why the girls don’t like her. It’s random. Nothing personal. Would feel very different to me.
I just don’t understand paying that kind of money to be in a situation that makes you unhappy.
- She could try out the eating house and if that doesn’t work out, can she change to a dorm after that?
- IF she doesn’t join, is it possible for her to try again in the future?
I wouldn’t say she is “unlucky.” For me that is encouraging a negative attitude in your child.
College is about experiencing something new, meeting people from different walks of life, and getting out of your comfort zone and trying things you’ve never done before. It’s a great time to work on your social skills. I personally feel students these days need to have strong communication skills and learn to get along with a diverse group of people. Students spend too much time on their phones and social media and don’t develop the skills needed for social interaction.
In our careers sometimes we end up on teams with people who are very different than us but we still have to get along as a team and make things work. This is an opportunity for her to build some life skills that will help her transition to a mature and independent adult. Tell her to look at this as an opportunity to meet new people, learn how to get along with others and be a team player. The truth is that not everything in life works out the way we planned but we have to learn to be flexible and make the best of a situation. We have to learn to be more openminded and not offended if not everyone thinks different than us. We have to learn that people can have differences of opinion or different values but that we can still communicate with and respect each other. Use this experience to learn the skill of networking.
Do I understand it is one meal a week and some other activities here and there? It sounds like a very small part of the college experience and actually moving outside one’s comfort zone is part of growing, so I would encourage her to keep appropriate perspective on it and just go with it.
It’s not a long term commitment nor very involved from what I understand.
She’s made a gut judgement to leave but your gut can be wrong too as blossum points out.
She does have a couple friends there and can make more through them. Expand her own group. She has the option to visit other houses too. Sounds good to me.
A good book for introverts (anyone really) facing meeting new people is “How to Talk to Anyone” by Leil Lowndes. Practical, straightforward and easy to implement. Her tricks to break the ice are really good. Just learning a couple techniques can make a huge difference in your comfort level and how you relate to others It certainly worked for me!
Assuming the college is the one I think it is due to “eating clubs”, just remind yourself and her that you are thrilled she can get this kind of education. Also, getting to know people can be good, and I’m sure that’s what she would have written in an essay about “diversity” to get into this university.
Do each of the “eating clubs” have specific characteristics? Like sororities and frats have reputations? Or does the randomness of who is assigned keep that to a minimum?
Even if the clubs have reputations… I had a terrible housing lottery number for sophomore year. The university’s system allowed you to “up” your number by committing to room with someone with a better number. I ended up in a very nice living space in a four person, two bedroom suite- all three of them jocks, I was not. My roommate was someone I knew casually, and she was eager to room with me because her friends were partiers and she needed a roommate who was not (and needed to assure her strict Catholic parents that there wouldn’t be a stream of strange men in and out of the room every night) ; I needed a better lottery number. We sat down to lunch before we agreed and ironed out the rules that worked for us.
The year was great! No, I’m not lifelong friends with my suite mates, and no, I didn’t turn into a partier OR a jock, despite being in a jock dorm with a partying roommate. But it was a chance to get to know other women who weren’t on my social radar, and to learn a couple of life lessons.
It really, really will be ok if she spends a few hours a week socializing with people who are not her friends. Really. And she probably has more in common with them than she knows- after all, they go to the same college. And even if she’s an introvert- there will be a time in her life when she needs to make chit-chat with other parents at PTA meetings, make chit-chat with the bosses boss when they are in the same elevator, or find a way to engage with a colleague when they are stranded at the same airport terminal for two hours.
Encourage her to stick with it for the semester before bailing on a very valuable educational experience.
My D has decided to stay!
I think everyone’s comments about being open and stepping out of comfort zones is spot on. Hopefully she’ll have some nice experiences and get to know new people. If the overall vibe still isn’t her cup of tea by the end of the semester, she can try to switch or just not be in an eating house. But in that case she’ll be making that decision based on a lot more information.
Thanks again everyone!
^ come back and update us at the end of the semester!
OP, your post about your D staying made me smile! I was reading this thread with interest because your Ds feelings are so understandable, and all of the great mature advice for her to stay was so right on, in my middle-aged woman’s opinion.
I hope that your D has a great experience with this unexpected turn. And having a higher priority to switch next semester is a real benefit.
@appalcymom – that’s really sweet!
And thanks to everyone for all the sage advice – I will update you at the end of the semester!
Glad to hear it. I was thinking if she didn’t join she would possibly be back in the same situation in the fall with the low priority. I’m sure she will find a few girls she meshes with and then if she does leave she has expanded her friends circle. Good for her!
Just a quick update to say my D is enjoying her eating house! It’s not perfect but I’d say it’s ended up being about a 65-70% fit for her – she’s made some friends and overall positive experience. Attends formal tomorrow night!
I think she’ll stay with it next year as she feels like switching to another would be awkward and she realizes moving might not really be that different b/c at any house you’re going to click with some members more than others.
@AlmostThere2018 Thanks for the update. So glad that things worked out for your D – it is a testament to her maturity and open-mindedness (along with positive support from you no doubt).
@happy1 – tks for those kind words!
Awesome! And thanks for coming back to update 