At my D’s small college they don’t have sororities but they have eating houses where students share meals, do service projects, have formals, etc. However, students are assigned based on process where the women rank their choices and the houses don’t have input into who the new members are. So basically a computer ‘sorting hat’ assigns them. Most get their 1st or 2nd choice (out of 4 houses) and that was fully her expectation.
But my D got one of her bottom choices. She’s upset b/c she doesn’t feel like these are ‘her people’ and she doesn’t fit in. She’s an introvert and slow-ish to make good friends. Those she’s close to in college got into the 2 other houses she listed 1st and 2nd and where she (desperately) wants to be. Bottom line: she was unlucky.
Most first-years do affiliate with a house spring semester and stay active at least through sophomore year. As upperclassmen (esp., seniors) more of them drop and they not as big a deal. So it’s not the full commitment/experience of a sorority no matter what.
Any advice on whether I should encourage her to ‘fake it till she makes it’ and give the house she got assigned a fair chance this semester since she likes the idea overall of being in a house and will feel left out b/c so many other first years are in one? Or should she just drop now and be unaffiliated (which is where she’s leaning but is conflicted)? If she’s unaffiliated she thinks she’ll feel more comfortable going to the parties (which are open) at the other houses she likes and where her friends are, even if she’s not a member. They can also invite her to eat there as a guest. If she does that while belonging to another house, it feels awkward to her and she worries it’ll be seen as a slap in their face. She has no interest in buying their swag (t-shirts, etc.) for example.
Last piece of info: if she stays in the house to which she was placed this semester (it’s only 1 meal a week but there’s social stuff / bonding activities) then she gets highest priority for switching to another house next semester which is when it’s a bigger commitment – 10 meals a week. Being unaffiliated makes her lower priority to get into another house (which is dumb, IMHO.), but it’s still possible.
She’s meeting with the staff coordinator tomorrow to see how likely any type of switch is – not sure how transparent they’ll be. To be clear, there doesn’t seem to be any switch possible this semester – only next. She has to drop by 5:00 tomorrow or pay this semester’s dues. She could still drop later in the semester, of course, but would be out the money ($400).
I would encourage her to stick with the assigned group with the option of getting higher priority for switching to different house in the future. Given the apparent random assignment, there will be other girls in her situation who weren’t placed with their friends.
I kinda agree, but she is saying being at a house where’s she’s not happy/comfortable will just remind her that she’s not at a house where she’d like to be. Which I think is a bit over dramatic and she’s not giving it a fair chance. But I also know that ‘gut’ feeling when something’s not a good fit.
Oh, and it’s not random – they try to give the students their top choices. But it doesn’t always work out. So there are many women in the house she was assigned to who are happy to be there and feel connected, already had friends there, etc. Though obviously it’s an imperfect system and clearly others in the same boat as my D. Others I think roll with it better – not my D’s strength, alas.
I feel bad for your D - I mean, why set kids up for this stress? As an introvert I can so sympathize.
My instinct would be to stick it out. It’s only for one semester and it’s one meal.
I would encourage her to join as well. Even if the overall group isn’t her cup of tea, she is sure to find a few girls she likes and can stick it out for a few weeks (maybe some new girls also didn’t pick this house)- how much longer is left in the semester? 10-11 total meals is nothing and she can then switch. High school forces you to deal with people you don’t always want to be with- at least this isn’t 4 years. Her reaction is probably just disappointment- encourage her not to be so short sighted.
@Leigh22 - I told her she could try to stick it out and doesn’t have to wave the flag high, wear the swag, etc. She seems to think that’s being fake and too painful when others are happy, bonding. I remind her she might start to like it better if she’s open to it. And she does have two friends there so that’s something. But I do want her to listen to her gut, esp. since this seems to be more of a party house and that’s not her thing. I mean it is a little – but not party hardy.
Clearly I’m conflicted too, and I don’t understand the whole context around the pros and cons. I got her to talk to her hall counselor who just said, ‘eating houses aren’t really that big a deal so it doesn’t matter what you decide, it’ll be fine.’ Which I guess is good long term perspective, but my D didn’t find it very helpful.
@jeneric – Yes, you’re right. It’s interesting to me how making the choice of staying in her mind means not being authentic. I think leaving is “taking my toys and going home” and, as you said, stems from her disappointment.
@AlmostThere2018 Wasn’t there supposed to be a commitment to getting into a house with at least a couple of friends? Thought you could get into the eating houses in small groups of women. At least that is what they said when we toured.
@wisteria100 – you can cluster, but don’t have too. And in fact they tell you if you DON’T cluster you’ll more likely to get your 1st or 2nd choice. She REALLY wanted her 1st or 2nd choice so didn’t cluster. But she still didn’t get one of them. There seemed to be something weird happen this year. It’s a bit of a head scratcher.
That said – she does have two good friends there. But the overall vibe is not her thing. Again, bottom line is it was a big surprise b/c they def. lay out the expectation you’ll one of your top two. Guess she was just unlucky.
I can relate a little bit but in my D’s case, it was a sorority. She went through rush last spring. I don’t recall exactly how it worked, as I know little about Greek life, but we talked/texted every day as she went through the process. Her last choice was the only house that kept inviting her back. It was a lot of tears along the way (much worse rejection IMO than being randomly assigned like in your D’s case tho that doesn’t diminish how your D is feeling!). In the end, she joined that house that was last on her list day after day.
When D was home for Christmas break, she told me she was so glad she didn’t end up in either of her top picks and that she was very happy where she was. Incidentally, her friends did end up in those two houses she was dropped from. However, she managed to make totally new friends which turned out to be a blessing b/c her friends (roommates) from last year sort of went their own way this year.
I say all this because your daughter might end up pleasantly surprised. It might extend her friend group as well as her interests. If joining the house gives her priority for making the switch to a different house next time, then she can use this semester as an opportunity to expand her social circle, but if it doesn’t work out, she can make the move next year.
FWIW, my D is friendly but she is not outgoing, if that makes sense. It takes a lot for her to “put herself out there” to meet new people. I was not excited about her joining a sorority but in the end, it worked out for her as she has made some great friends. This might end up being a great opportunity for your D, esp if hard for her to make friends.
I would stay in the house assigned, and if she doesn’t like it, try and switch next year. My D did not get her top sorority and it ended up being a gift. She loves the one she is in, but it took several months.
@4kids4us – Thanks for sharing your story. That sounds like it was hard, and I’m so glad it worked out for her. Agreed sorority rush is even more treacherous. My D had two friends at larger colleges go through that this semester – it worked out for them but was nerve wracking.
It does seem most folks agree on her giving it a chance. But she’ll need to get over her mental block to do so. She realizes it’s her – not them – so that’s good. This house seems to being going through a bit of a rough patch, perhaps, which is why it had more open spots this year (at least that’s the rumor) but I’m certain there are some perfectly great women she could get to know better if she stays.
I would ask her what she’d prefer to do with that $400 that joining a house would set someone back. That’s a whole bunch of textbooks or a flight to somewhere relatively fun for spring break. How long would it take her to earn that amount of money at her current part-time job?
Look, if she does have the $400 to spare, or if it has been in the college budget from the get-go, and if so very many of the freshmen women participate in the house thing that she truly would be an outlier if she doesn’t then go ahead and encourage her to give the disliked house a try. Otherwise let her be an independent and pocket the savings.
Is there a class Facebook page where she could post that she is looking for a switch in houses, assuming that is allowed. I would daresay that your D is not the only girl on the entire campus who didn’t get into one of her top choices and maybe she can find another student who preferred the house your D is in but was placed in the one your D wants to be in.
If not, as an introvert myself, I would encourage her to stick out the semester. How is it a slap in the face to go to a meal at the house she wanted to be in, if invited? If she had affirmatively chosen to be in the assigned house, perhaps, but when the assignment is random, that logic doesn’t hold up.
@techmom99 – They’re not allowed to find people to switch with, unfort. The intent of the system is to reduce stress and optimize good outcomes – but it’s imperfect for sure.
@techmom99 – there are service hours and some other social requirements. But yes, it’s not so much this semester. It’s a bigger commitment next year when it’s 10 meals a week.
My dearest friend in the whole world is someone from my freshman dorm who I disliked intensely when I met her. My “next best friend” lived across the hall from me Freshman year and I thought she was snooty and pretentious. And my closest friend in my current town is someone I crossed swords with many times 30 years ago when we worked on a volunteer project together (I was new in town, she’d grown up here and I found her provincial and boring).
So two takeaways- one, Blossom is a terrible judge of character (which i totally own). And two- people are mysterious beings. I don’t have a history of immediately “clicking with someone” and then determining they are my peeps. I have a history of either disliking someone, or having no impression, or avoiding someone until fate throws us together in a somewhat random pairing where I discover a deep connection. And that has surely helped sustain my marriage over the decades!!! Opposites attract!
This is what makes life incredibly rich and satisfying, and is one of the sheer joys of going to college. I cannot imagine a scenario where I would have “chosen” my dear BFF’s from college- we came from different worlds socio-economically and geographically, I didn’t have much in common with them (on the surface) and their upbringings were so different from mine that I read “snob” and “too good for anyone”.
Encourage your D to give this VERY low commitment social experience a try before giving up. It is not a ton of time, and it’s not a lifelong commitment. It’s just a chance to get to know some women who she thinks seem hideous from what she’s seen (in a limited way) but in fact may be incredible.
The last time I saw my college BFF’s (they live thousands of miles from me) we reminisced about our first impressions of each other. The idea that you could forge such a close and sustained relationship over decades-- literally, we’d give a kidney for each other without being asked-- based on a few social encounters where we agreed “she’s awful” or “can’t stand her” is both confounding and a testament to how people grow and change in college.
Surely she can handle 15 hours over the next semester with a group of women she thinks she dislikes-- especially since there may be her BFF buried in the group???