<p>Need some advice here. Background: I, 2nd husband, son- not religious, can’t understand those who are.
My daughter is a freshman and overall doing well. She trained intensively in
dance for many years and has stopped completely since entering college. She
has “found” herself with the Modern Orthodox group at Hillel. I think she
has wanted to become observant for some time, and it is now easier that she is living away from home. Her social sphere (in my mind) has contracted rather than expanded, as it should
in a university with diverse groups. I have supported her in her efforts to keep kosher at home, and minimized comments. I think religion has replaced dance.
She wants to go to Israel this summer to study. No. No. for a variety of
reasons- financial (she insists it will be paid for with scholarships and
grants- she might be planning to use her own $), safety, I want her around
(she studied in Paris last summer for 6 weeks). She had been planning to do
a local college immersion for a language this summer until this came up.As far as
I’m concerned, it’s either that or get a job. I will insist that any $ she has
earned be put toward her personal expenses and books during the school year.
Her brother will be in college in 2 yrs, and my child support will end. I
don’t expect her father will pay for any college expenses (not obligated to
by law). Should she figure out a way to go to Israel without using her own
money (and frankly, I think she’s dreaming giving the economy and we won’t
qualify for financial aid), this is going to put a gulf between us. I have
supported her 150% through the years in everything- dance, language when she
decided to stop dancing- and feel my opinions and wishes matter. Do they? Am I owed anything?</p>
<p>If she can figure out a way to make the finances work, then more power to her. Let her know the realities and limits of your financial situation. As Soozievt posted on another thread, her kids have financed their summer trips and managed to get those experiences on their dimes. Many families cannot afford to pay for college AND summer programs. Many kids have to work summers and even a few hours during the school year to help pay that college cost. In fact most kids fall into that category. It may put a gulf between you, but it is one that I would let occur as the lessons, and reality of the situation are such that to pay for such a trip when it is not the best thing for you, is really not letting her see what kind of sacrifices everyone has to make under your circumstances. She is old enough to be included in the financial planning of your family. It is unfair to her to continue making plans as she and her friends have been doing when the situation has changed.</p>
<p>There’s an organization that offers free educational trips to Israel for Jewish college-aged students who have never been to Israel before. I know one girl at my college who went and enjoyed it. Might that be an option?</p>
<p>The free trip is “Birthright”. She was going to do this over winter break, but couldn’t find a trip group that was observant enough for her (!).</p>
<p>During the summer there are several orthodox groups that go on Birthright. Has she checked them all out for the summer?</p>
<p>I think she is expecting Birthright to pay for the flight, but I think she is planning to stay beyond the usual 10-14 days and adjust the airline ticket. I don’t want her to use any of the money she has earned (babysitting) etc, but to save for living expenses during college.</p>
<p>You are very concerned about her pursuit of modern Orthodox Judaism (and I can understand why).</p>
<p>If she wanted to use the summer to pursue an interest that was not so worrying, would you support it?</p>
<p>If she truly wants to be an Orthodox Jew, then spending time in Israel is of course a high priority for her right now.</p>
<p>If she can sort out the finances on her own, I think you should allow her to go. Just like with dance, she will need to work through her interest and find out if it really is what she wants.</p>
<p>There are other no/low cost ways to stay in Israel, and I would think that the Hillel kids will clue her into these (working in camps, Kibutzim and other similar things.) They really try to make sure that the Birthright trips are as safe as possible (things being what they are.)</p>
<p>I think that you will face adjustments that are understandably going to be difficult (mechanically) regarding a child who wants to observe orthodoxy in your home. However, you will not be the first (or presumably the last) to have a situation where your child wishes to “return” to roots. I know this is probably the last thing that you will want to hear, but if you have a Chabad house near you, the Rabbi might be able to help you with your adjustment (not to make you consider being more religious, just to get along better with your child.)</p>
<p>I think if you say a flat no, you become part of the problem, not the solution. </p>
<p>I do think you are entitled to set out clearly what you will pay for for school, and what her obligations are so that she understands, and does not come up short or create a problem.</p>
<p>I think it is a huge commitment to observe an orthodox life style, and many find, after exploration, that they do not want to.</p>
<p>I agree with what others have said. Be blunt, but compassionate of course, about finances. If this is her true desire, she’ll work hard to make it happen. </p>
<p>In my experience, trying to steer my child away from something winds up drawing my child even more towards it plus puts distance between us. If you can, consider at least supporting from a respectful distance. If this a phase, she will pass through it and remember your support. If this is who she is becoming, you will have to find ways to work with her on it. </p>
<p>Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>I would support her taking a class for college credit, and I supported her for many summers of dance intensives (for which we gave up family vacations). If she can swing it without spending much of her own money, and none of mine, I will let her go. The security issue does worry me too- Israel will soon have an election, and obviously there’s a lot going on right now.
I think she is not going to become “black hat” (ultra Orthodox), but it certainly makes it difficult to travel or do anything else as a family. I don’t know how she will ever be able to visit family in a distant state without strain. My parents are completely against organized religion, and as do many others, see it as a source of many of the world’s past and current problems.</p>
<p>dufay, Try not to worry ahead about things like travel or family. Talk it out and then try to let it go. I know that’s much easier said than done but the worry changes nothing while taking a toll on your health. </p>
<p>Fair or not, I think most of us find it hurtful when we were not supported, even when those same people were so supportive in so many other ways. The bottom line is that your daughter is not doing this to put strain on the family, she’s doing it to try and figure out who she really is. It would be great if families could stay on the same page and maintain the comfort level but it rarely goes that way for very long.</p>
<p>I’m absolutely sure that some of my in-laws wish my son had not come out as a gay man. When the stress level gets really high, a small part of me sometimes wishes we could have our “normal” back. But I know that would have not been an honest “normal” and so it would have compromised all involved. Instead we continue to stumble with what little poise we can muster towards the future, loving each other very imperfectly.</p>
<p>Hi Dufay,</p>
<p>I just reread what I wrote to you, and it sounded very judgemental. So I wanted to preface by saying that in our extended family there are branches with very, very different levels of observance and very different religions, ranging from Orthodox to reform to Jesus-centered Christians. And it can work – does work – with the proviso that everybody is very tolerant of what everybody else believes and talks about it and asks about it and raises their children to respect each other. So in our family, I suspect that your daughter, with her newfound enthusiasm for religious observance, might be more comfortable than your son who “can’t stand anyone who is” religious. (Not to mention the parents who think that religious observance is the root of all the world’s problems! This must make for some interesting conversations between them and your D…) Anyway, my bias is that religious diversity within a family can work, although I have not had to cope with my own children developing religious beliefs that are different from my own, which would be very challenging.</p>
<p>That said, I think it would be good if you could clearly sort out your very legitimate financial concerns versus the fact that you associate the trip to Israel with the undesired consequence of D becoming more entrenched in a branch of Judaism you don’t want her to embrace.</p>
<p>It sounds as if there are a number of summer activities you would be OK subsidizing, such as language intensives or dance programs, but you don’t want to fund the trip to Israel. You would be comfortable with your daughter engaging in an academic or dance experience at home – which would presumably preclude a summer job – but you are opposing the trip to Israel in part on the grounds that she wouldn’t be able to have a summer job. This makes some of the financial arguments sound as if they could be a smoke screen. Your daughter will see that you are willing to put your own funds, or have her put her own funds, toward a variety of different summer activities – just not the trip. And that you are wanting to avoid the trip to Israel primarily because you are unhappy with the direction her religious enthusiasm is leading. </p>
<p>But she’s an adult and Modern Orthodox Judaism is not a cult from which you have to rescue her. Not to minimize the impact, but if your D ultimately becomes more observant on a permanent basis, when she visits out of state relatives, she’ll eat vegetarian on paper plates and the relatives will learn to accept her for who she is, which, given the involvement of Modern Orthodox Jews in all aspects of American life, could include White House chief of staff…</p>
<p>I just think it will be a lot easier to sort this out with the realization that going to Israel over the summer won’t cause D to become more Orthodox and putting roadblocks in her way won’t lead her to return to being less observant. She could become a Chabbadnik in Lincoln, Nebraska if those beliefs were compelling to her. If you could separate the issue of spending a summer in Israel (where she could also do an intensive, university-based Hebrew language program or become involved in dance) from the issue of not wanting her to adopt religious practices that would be difficult to incorporate into your family, I think it will be a lot easier to figure the whole thing out.</p>