Advice RE: ADHD son with serious struggles

Parent Cafe
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<p>Point well taken, tortoise. Yes, the ADD/ADHD is very important to address because it is often undiagnosed and quite debilitating. In addition, in people with addiction issues, the medication issues are tricky because many of the medications that treat ADHD can contribute to addictions. </p>

<p>I do think, however, that the absolute first priority for treatment is the drug use. Until the drugs are cleared out of his system, it will a) be impossible to get an accurate picture of what is really going on, and b) be extremely difficult to conduct meaningful interventions, therapeutic or otherwise.</p>

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<p>Calla1, that may well be the case but, again, (and I’m sorry to be a broken record here), no parent should improvise a course of action without the advise and counsel of a qualified medical professional. Your opinion, my opinion, and everybody else’s opinion on this board is (or should be) of no relevance to the OP (or anyone else who happens upon this thread). Parents of ADD/ADHD children should seek specialized, qualified professional expertise.</p>

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<p>calla1, one other item that ought to be addressed: You mentioned that many of the medications used to treat ADD/ADHD can themselves create addictions. Yes, when they are misused–which includes “prescribed” use on individuals who do not have ADD/ADHD. But ADD/ADHD brains are wired differently than “normal” brains, and so respond to stimulant medications differently. </p>

<p>Think of it this way: If amphetamine-based medication calms you down, your brain is different than most people’s brain; if the stuff amps you up, you do not have ADD/ADHD and should not be taking it.</p>

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<p>We have dear friends and an acquaintance who’s children has your son’s challenges. They too sent the son to a program in Utah. (around here that is the phrase) It wasn’t the ADHD that caused the Utah trip, it turns out that there was a myriad of other problems as well. Violence against mother and/or siblings figured into this as well.</p>

<p>Things are not perfect. But the young man is working full time and goes to school parttime. The parents are well aware that they will be providing for him the rest of their lives (its all in the will). BUT day by day he is ok…not perfect (sometimes less than acceptable) but they are all working.</p>

<p>The girl is also a veteran of Utah. She is, according to sources, also doing ok. </p>

<p>You are a wonderful involved mother. And that is the starting point.</p>

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<p>Tortoise, of course OP needs to be working with qualified medical and mental health personnel. And the ADHD piece needs to be addressed by a professional. I’m not sure why you are thinking I disagree with that. And from OP’s original post, it sounds like they are. </p>

<p>She asked about experiences, and I shared the experience of my friend’s son. I encouraged her to focus more on the drug piece, as I did not hear any intervention around that part of it. Yes, the drug usage may be an attempt at self-medication in an ADD teen, but drug use takes on a life of its own and absolutely must be addressed. Addressing the ADD issues will NOT magically make the drug issues go away. And it is extremely difficult for a person to make emotional progress when they are actively using. So to avoid addressing that piece is, IMO, to unwittingly sabotage treatment.</p>

<p>This is my opinion only, based on what I have seen. OP asked for feedback. Each of us writes based on our experience. It is understood that this is a message board and not a substitute for professional treatment.</p>

<p>OP, you are the one who knows your son best. Raising teens is so very difficult. And we second-guess ourselves enough: I hope you don’t feel criticized by anything I’ve written. Best wishes to you. You are obviously a very caring and loving mom.</p>

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<p>Hey all,
Thanks for the caring advice. Just to clear up a few things about him and what we’ve done so far.</p>

<p>He (and his older brother) were both diagnosed by licensed psychologists with ADHD when they were in 1st grade after their first grade teachers at their small private schools sat us down and said they thought their behavior might be more than “boys will be boys” and that we should have them tested. There was no pressure from the school for medication but when we met with their pediatrician (and this happened two years apart but followed the same schedule) she explained ADHD to us and how it was affecting them in great detail. They have been on ADHD meds ever since and the medication worked as it should. Their dosages were increased as they grew and really, they didn’t have any side effects from the medication other than the decreased appetite.</p>

<p>The older one had most of the socialization issues that affect kids with ADHD but none of the academic ones. He went on to an IB program for high school and did well academically and finally got the social thing down. He’s not as social as I am but that’s his personality so I’m O.K. with it. He’s off to a good college to study engineering in 2 months and I think he’ll do great.</p>

<p>The younger one (the one in distress) had none of the social issues-everybody loves him, he’s funny, has tons of friends and he can communicate quite well with adults. Academically though he has struggled since middle school. Hindsight being what it is, we should have moved him to a different school because he developed anxiety issues due to his academic performance in comparison to the other kids there. He went off to our local public high school (a different school than his brother) because we were stupid parents and thought he was “choosing” to do poorly not realizing his executive function skills were so bad. Up until 7th grade his medication was managed by his pediatrician but when it stopped working as well, we were directed to a physician who specialized in kids with ADHD and learning disorders. (this guy is awesome)</p>

<p>As a freshman, he took a pretty light load for this high achieving school and towards the end of third quarter we discovered on his phone texts with a new “friend” about selling and buying drugs. We contacted his specialist and he suggested the counselor/life coach. Needless to say, we grounded him and took his phone. He was severely restricted for the rest of the school year in terms of who he could see and started with the life coach. </p>

<p>At this point, the coach let us know about his anxiety and that unfortunately, a lot of the things we had been saying to him as encouragement through the years had probably had the opposite affect and increased his anxiety. When she pointed out his anxiety and the things he did that indicated it I felt like the biggest turd on the planet because it was really clear to us then. </p>

<p>Summer was busy and we truthfully don’t think he was doing drugs then-he wasn’t home much and when he was he wasn’t interacting with those kids. We do think he was drinking from our alcohol supplies though(which have since either been thrown out or locked up in such a way he can’t get to it).</p>

<p>We had high hopes that working with the coach would improve his grades but we continued to see problems and took privileges away in the hopes it would inspire him to do the basics (like turn homework in). He still refused to engage in outside activities though. He did manage to receive his Eagle Scout Rank and has done some community service. He has now told us that being cooped up heightened his anxiety and caused him to seek out more drugs.</p>

<p>We’ve enrolled him in a local intervention program designed for teenagers engaging in risky behaviors. He has gone to every session and really didn’t fight us on it. He even came home from the one where they went to the rehab center saying he never wanted to touch drugs again.</p>

<p>The issue we feel we are facing is we don’t think he can be successful at the school he is currently attending. His doctor, coach and myself all feel that way. These kids who he’s buying the drugs from are in his classes. Since has performed poorly academically, the school keeps dropping him further and further out of the higher level classes with the higher achieving students into the classes with the kids who don’t give a hoot about school. Additionally, his performance (and our reaction to it I admit) have increased the anxiety and his self confidence has plummeted so he’d rather hang out with those “bad” (for want of a better word) because he feels better about himself.</p>

<p>We have looked into the wilderness therapy camps (like the Utah programs-lots of them are based there) and some of them are prohibitively expensive-like $16,000 a month! We do have him signed up for the summer program I previously mentioned which is more reasonable but not as intense. My husband and I like to think (and his coach actually agrees with us) that he’s not at the place where he needs that hard core program. He’s not an addict-yet. </p>

<p>The doctor prescribed a very low dose of Prozac for the evenings so he can settle down and get to sleep and we are monitoring him very closely with that. I am concerned about possible side effects to all this stuff he is taking.</p>

<p>Calla-I would love to know the name of the program your friend sent her child to. This is the kind of thing I am interested in. I have been getting the names of schools (not prep-he’s not capable of that type of environment and I am aware there would be as many drugs there as there are here) that other folks have sent their kids to. A neighbor had to send their son away for many of the same reasons but he didn’t have ADHD so I’m not sure if that school would be beneficial. Another family send their son who has severe ADD and doesn’t respond to medication to a school up in CT where he is thriving but it’s $110,000 per year!!!</p>

<p>Tortoise-as you can see, he is on ADHD meds but both his doctor and coach feel his recreational drug use is self medicating-another reason for the Prozac. Everything he has used (that we know of-and he’s really bad at this in terms of not getting caught!) has been to mellow him out. He’s not getting “high” and ramped up.</p>

<p>MommaJ-I have looked into military boarding schools but both the type of environment I have found and the reviews and articles I have read about them make me leery of them for him. I just think he’d become hardened and unreachable.</p>

<p>Coloradomom-I totally agree with the jello comment! Thanks for the laugh!</p>

<p>Bookreader-I can’t send PM"s yet but thanks for your message!</p>

<p>This really does help me to feel better and I so appreciate you all taking the time to try and help us. I know we will get this figured out and I do try to count my blessings that we found this now while he still lives at home, is under 18 and we have more control.</p>

<p>Goodness-this is a long post!</p>

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<p>You have certainly worked hard as a parent. Your love and care for your boys is obvious.</p>

<p>I sent you a private message.</p>

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Hi Missypie,

I want to thank you for the many valuable postings I have read here on CC regarding your and your son’s experiences. I have a son who is a high school senior and has Aspergers, ADHD, and mild anxiety, and unfortunately has poor executive functioning. Though he has a strong GPA and great SAT scores, we thought he might have to live at home and go to community college, and despaired of him ever being able to attend a four-year college and live on campus. Thanks to this website and the postings by you and others who’ve been through this before, we learned about colleges with ASD-support programs. We are most interested in Western KY, UT-Chattanooga, and UA-ACTS at Alabama. I know that your son ended up at ACTS and you were happy with the program. Do you believe it would help a student coming straight from high school? Is the program structured enough and supportive enough for a kid with executive functioning and motivation problems? Alabama has such a huge campus and huge student body, I wasn’t sure it would work for an Aspergers kid. I’d appreciate any advice you have for us!

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First…take a deep breath. Many of us have been there and done that. When my now (nearly 22 year old) DS was 16, he was diagnosed with ADHD-NOS. He started out in a private high school, hated it and ended up at our local public high school, which he loved. His grades were plummetting, and he just didn’t care. We thought when he started 10th grade and enjoyed being in school, hopefully the grades would go up. NO…they were worse! We were just frantic, as he has been a Straight A student through 7th grade. We took him to the docs and had all the tests. Started him on meds, and although they helped his personality, not so much his grades. I think he was Executive Dysfunction…that’ why the NOS. He had weekly meetings with the docs, life coaches etc.

He started on week about 16-17 and for the next two years it was a cat and mouse game with us. We had him doing urine tests, punishmetns, consequences. Caught him sneaking out of the house. His grades were crappy. It was the most stressful time. But like, you, he basically had a nice personality…but I hated him so much of the time anyway. A slob, rolling his eyes…it starts my PVC’s just thinking about it. I even went to the doc myself for advice. He basically told me sometimes there is nothing we can do until they grow out of it.

He also did something really really bad that I don’t want to talk about…so it went from bad to worse.

His senior year there was a time when it almost came to punches between he and my DH (who is the calmest person you would ever know). Things were not good at our house in H.S.

So…he went to college…and although he was on probation once semester, he hasn’t been since then…although his grades haven’t been great…but improving.

However…about a year ago, we noticed he was so different. We could actually have conversations with him. He didn’t mind being around us, he didn’t get angry.

He will be starting his 4th year of college (he will have to go one more semester). He finally decided on a major and took 2 classes this summer. An A and B (in finance nonetheless!). He’s pleasant, he’s focused, he doesn’t mind being around us. My son is back. Yes…he’s almost 22. But those 3 years from H.S. have been quite the transformation. And it’s nothing WE did. It’s just that prefrontal cortex maturing. Time did the trick.

ADHD kids are behind. Many of his peers were like how he is now at 18 or 19. Sometimes we have to just wait it out and pray.

So, I don’t know if I’ve really offered you any help except hope. It does get better. I do agree that consequences has to be fast acting and short lived. Talk, talk, talk to them. I don’t for once regret doing the things I did…making him do urine tests, sneaking through his room when he was not there. He has thanked us for always being there in notes now (for Mothers Day and Father’s Day).

Keep telling him you love him, give him positive reinforcements, make him do things with you and DH.

Big Hugs to you…been there, done that!

Oh for crying out loud…I just noticed this was from 2 years ago. Oh well…maybe someone can get some benefit from my post.

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For that reason, I am closing this thread. Someone can start anew if needed.