Advice RE: ADHD son with serious struggles

Parent Cafe
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<p>First of all, I am not a ■■■■■. This shows as my first post only because I created this account for this purpose.</p>

<p>We have a 16 year old son with ADHD and anxiety who is barely surviving at his large local public high school. He is passing the courses required to graduate but just barely. We started giving him restrictions freshman year in the hopes it would motivate him to work to his potential (he’s been tested and is very bright) to no avail. Now as a result of his academic struggles, he has stepped back from all the “good” kids he knows who are high achieving, goal oriented kids and is associating with the druggies and kids who only want to party. He has no interest in sports, won’t participate in any clubs and with him being 6’2 I can’t “make” him do things.</p>

<p>We’ve now caught him with drugs, doing drugs and lying to us about all of this. We have taken his phone away, he can’t get his driver’s license and he’s been restricted to the house pretty much non-stop for what seems like his entire high school career from the grade issue and now this.</p>

<p>We’re using a counselor/life coach weekly with him, he’s now taking prozac to help with the anxiety but I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. His coach and doctor both think he needs to change schools and get away from this environment and away from the kids. We could pay for him to go to a private school but due to his grades, he is very limited with where he could go locally. It’s really down to one very small, very religious school that would take him but he adamantly says he doesn’t want to go there.</p>

<p>The other option is boarding school which absolutely kills me. It would be life changing on so many levels if we went that route-financially, the family dynamic (our other child leaves for college in 2 months so I’d immediately have an empty nest), and even though he’s having all these issues, I really like him! I hate though that this is his high school experience and it doesn’t look to improve if we keep him where he is. He does have a 504 plan but as with most schools, it is a major chore to get them to follow it (took 4 months to get home copies of a textbook as an example). This is a great school he is at IF you are an organized, diligent, hard working student. Not the best though for even average students and currently he’s performing below average.</p>

<p>So, I guess I’m looking for advice from anybody who has been there. Did you send your kid away? Any suggestions regarding boarding schools? We would want one that focuses on kids with ADHD and all the processing issues that accompany it and it’s overwhelming with how many are out there. We live in Florida for what it’s worth.</p>

<p>I’m kind of at the point where I don’t care about academics. We need to keep him from making a colossal mistake and ruining his life (and so far he hasn’t done that) and basically keep him safe until he matures enough to stop making these really poor decisions.</p>

<p>My husband and I pretty much already accept that he will not be ready to go away to college in 2 years and a gap year and hopefully CC will be on the agenda but we have to get him to that point.</p>

<p>Any help out there?</p>

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<p>I am sorry you are going through this. Only certain boarding schools will even be an option, because most mainstream boarding schools, even ones who can deal with ADHD, will not tolerate drugs or most other rule violations. He will get booted right out. You are on the clock 24/7, unlike at home where you might get in trouble with your parents or even the police, but may be able to stay in school. There ARE emotional growth programs, but they are extremely expensive, and your son might not quite be at the point where he needs something that drastic. He seems to be sort of in the middle between being suited for a regular boarding school and needing some emotional growth work. You might want to talk to an educational consultant who could help you find the right fit.</p>

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<p>When was his last round of educational testing and the creation of his 504? It sounds like he is underperforming academically, and I would want to address that as a way to help manage his anxiety. I would get a tutor in to help him work through whatever topics are a struggle. I’ve seen kids check out as they dig themselves into a deeper and deeper academic hole, and then use drugs or drinking to forget how bummed they are about school. Helping them to get organized, get work turned in and find some academic success can make a difference in how they feel.</p>

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<p>Op,
hugs to you. sounds like you are doing so many right things for him yet there are still struggles.
Could you home school him? Is there another public school where you could get an inter district transfer?
My nephew had ADHD and was in a special ADHD/LD school from 1st to 5th grade. Then his mom homeschooled him from 6-9th grades. Then he went to an all boys small catholic school in 10th and they are not religious. Suddenly he thrived there. They had tried other private and public schools for a year at a time but still always had problems. But this combo of small catholic school and Ritalin worked wonders for my nephew. So it might be worth a try with ur son if you can’t find anything else.</p>

<p>Also, I think that ADHD coaches would say that punishments for ADHD kids have to be very short, like a few days, to be effective. Additionally, family coaching would be good, because behavioral coaching should include the parents in order to develop rewards and punishment s that work with ADHD kids.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry you are going through this. My daughter is ADHD inattentive so I sympathize with your frustration and confusion about your son’s behavior. </p>

<p>Have you thought about homeschooling or online school? You wouldn’t want to be involved in the day to day but you could use the life coach or a good tutor to help keep him on track. What are his interests? You could supplement the online school with volunteer activities (animal shelter), lessons (tennis, art) or other things that would be rewarding to him. My daughter got a lot of satisfaction and positive reinforcement from her part time job.</p>

<p>It took me a long time to learn that conventional punishment just didn’t work with my daughter. It added to her stress which in turn increased her “tuning out”. Positive feedback from her job and volunteer work seemed to help her anxiety and her symptoms.</p>

<p>Cyber hugs to you.</p>

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<p>So sorry for what you are going through now. It is hard to be sure what the best course of action would be, but here are some things that I’d be thinking about if I were you:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>As others have said, be sure all educational testing is up to date and thoroughly done by capable professionals. This may give you some direction and even open doors to supportive school settings relevant to any issues. This testing may also move him from 504 status to a more enforceable and skill enhancing IEP in public school. If testing is up-to-date, review it with an eye to anything that is not being addressed currently. </p></li>
<li><p>I understand that “education” takes a back seat to other more worrisome things in some ways. One way to think about this is that you want your son to be able to create and navigate a constructive existence for himself as an adult. Developmentally, the primary task of his age (in our culture), features all aspects of schooling. In this realm, not only are academic skills gained, but also almost every other skill or trait that will allow for accountability, motivation, handling obstacles, socializing, making good choices, etc. Therefore, this challenging place is also one of your powerful opportunities to make a difference for him. </p></li>
<li><p>Your ability to maintain a relationship with him will impact things going forward. This is a tough line to walk. It is great that you “like” him. It is easy to lose sight if this in the midst of the fray.</p></li>
<li><p>Think about what he can gain from home at this point, as well as what new environments have to offer. Even if he doesn’t live with you, you can be a strong presence in his life. If structure and a break in routine is what he needs, it can be an advantage to engage others in that process. Some parents find it easier if they are not the ones on the front lines with every curfew, social outing and misstep. He may rise to a new occasion, with new expectations and more structure than most homes offer. I never wanted to send my kids to boarding school, yet due to some issues on the school’s part, we did re-think that at one point. While it did not come to pass, visiting and seeing opportunities reinforced our need for parental flexibility and our comfort with this option. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Also, these high achieving school districts can really undermine the confidence of some students. Being in a more personalized pond may help him see his own potential. (I have a former IEP child now in their 20s at an Ivy League grad school. In our “elite” public high school, they were likely not on anyone’s radar for this trajectory.) </p>

<ol>
<li><p>The longer this proceeds without some changes, the more entrenched it becomes and the longer the road back. You are on this with supports already and keep optimizing that. I would seriously consider the recommendations of trusted professionals who know him best. Additionally, you will never have more ability to impact his path structurally than you do right now. Nothing is more distressing than realizing how fast 18 comes and how the law may diminish parental roles (as well as legal advantages to be “under-aged”).</p></li>
<li><p>Take care of yourselves as you navigate your son. This is hard but will make a difference to all and dilute the stress. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Sorry for the length of this post. Best to you all. I have seen many families cope with these types of obstacles and it can get better with a solid plan. Your son is indeed fortunate to have you in his corner.</p>

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<p>Many hugs to you. There is so much work the educational system needs to do with respect to educating ADD/Aspergers/Executive Function Disorder boys. I think that so much of the HS and college drop our rate is because of that group of guys. I think the low wage jobs are full of them. </p>

<p>When I was a special ed major in college decades ago, there was a major called “Learning Disabled/Behavior Disordered (LD/BD)”… treating learning differences as the same thing as a behavior disorder, because the LD kids became so frustrated in traditional school that many became BD.</p>

<p>Just know that ADHD is real, anxiety issues are real…their brains are different.</p>

<p>The only advice I can give you is to try to find something (besides video games or skateboarding) that he is good at. My 22 year old helps out in little kid Sunday School and the kids adore him. Could your son volunteer at an animal shelter or something similar?</p>

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<p>I don’t think you can guarantee that a boarding school will have a better environment or outcome. Don’t forget that there are troubled kids there as well and they also want your tuition.
I would try to get him very involved in an out of school activity. That could be a job, a faith-based program, maybe a volunteer project. A lot of kids with ADHD do well as EMTs on the ambulance corps for example. Is he at all artistically involved - how about film or sculpture?</p>

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<p>Hugs to you too. You have received many good advice here. I would suggest that you check out support groups from this organization:</p>

<p>[CHADD</a> Live | Home Page](<a href=“http://www.chadd.org/]CHADD”>http://www.chadd.org/)</p>

<p>Also, please watch out for the side effects of Prozac. It was in the news a while ago that people had suicidal thoughts after taking the drug. It happened to a dear friend’s young son, a heartbreaking situation.</p>

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<p>Thank you all so much for the words of advice and support-the cyber hugs are very appreciated!</p>

<p>All of his testing is 2 years old but we planned to have it updated this summer in preparation for college testing and so that if he CAN go to college it will be within the three year window. We met with the school psychologist and his guidance counselor at the start of the school year to update his 504 since what was in place freshman year didn’t work. He meets regularly with his ADHD doctor and weekly with his life coach. The coach has changed from trying to get him on track academically to managing his anxiety and ways to minimize it.</p>

<p>Home schooling wouldn’t really be an option. First of all, I think he and I would kill each other and secondly, I think we need to focus more on getting him away from his “friends”. We could certainly control his access to them if he went to school at home but he needs to be in a setting where he can make better friends.</p>

<p>He has kind of “checked out” of things. He isn’t doing a sport right now, he’s lost interest in drawing, and nothing we suggest to him or offer to do with him or pay for him to do is accepted. Again, at 16 and 6’2, I can’t drag him places and make him do them.</p>

<p>We are doing tutoring just so he can pass but like travelnut said, the academic side of things is really our lowest priority now although if he was doing better, I think he’d feel better.</p>

<p>We are going to make him shadow at the small private school here and we’ve already made arrangements for him to spend some time this summer at an ADHD/academic/adventure camp. He is less than enthused about the camp but resigned to going. </p>

<p>Thanks so much everybody-just getting this off my chest has helped too.</p>

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<p>I imagine that height disparity is tough on you right now. Can you begin every conversation by inviting or instructing him to “Sit down.” Wait until he does to continue speaking with him. </p>

<p>At the very least, you need to be able to look him straight in the eye to assert some authority in the situation. Remember that you are the giant here, not him.</p>

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<p>If by boarding school you mean “prep” school - Just no. Don’t send him there. They have just as much access to drugs as anywhere else. If by boarding school you mean “rehab” - that’s what I would be looking into. I agree homeschooling is probably not a good idea, and I have experience with homeschooling, and wih a troubled teen, and with boarding school … and ADHD… sigh. Many of these were not good experiences. Some of the rehab schools will send someone out to “collect” him. There’s no force involved but I think it’s a situation where even a 6’2" kid would not say no.</p>

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<p>Just throwing this out there, but have you considered a military style boarding school?</p>

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<p>Not much advise to add, but sending lots of hugs. Sometimes raising a teenager is like trying to nail jello to a tree. </p>

<p>Oh - one thought… does your district offer an “alternative” hs, with more individual focust for kids that are not a good fit to the bigger hs.</p>

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<p>Colorado_mom- thanks for identifying just why I was wiped out awhile ago. That hammering stretched me past my endurance at moments. Laugh of the day.</p>

<p>Momindistress- given yours son’s reported lack of interest in things he once enjoyed, is the possibility of depression as well as anxiety on the table? Prozac might be used for both. If a teen is depressed, it could impact how to think about options or respond to areas of concern.</p>

<p>I like the suggestions to help find an area he can pursue. We found our “you can choose what you want to do, but community service is a part of high school” house rule very helpful. There was something about getting out of your own head and having something to offer that was a win/win for our meandering freshman in particular. Regardless of what it is, just the chance to be engaged and constructive is part of the answer. It is also a chance to connect with new people and perhaps establish relationships with mentors of various types.</p>

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<p>(I wrote a post, and cc said the server was too busy, so I apologize if this is a repeat somehow)</p>

<p>You are a good mom with good questions, lots of worries, and very little control of the moving parts. He sounds like a great kid who is floundering, beset with challenges, but still your child with many wonderful gifts and abilities. But school isn’t one of them, and that’s hard at his age.</p>

<p>I think it’s terrific you can see his good sides, and that he is not completely tuned out. S1 has ADHD and people dont always appreciate how sad ADHD kids are on the inside. Try and find him something he can succeed at – any sort of volunteering is immensely good, but you will likely have to do it with him. Don’t get drawn into negotiating, don’t ask “why” questions, ask “what” questions, and feel good about setting healthy boundaries. Let him have input, let him see that you are on his side, but don’t give up. </p>

<p>S1 is even taller than yours, as is S2. It’s unnerving to have to stand on a box to confront them, but sometimes it breaks the tension nicely! Best of luck. Hang in there</p>

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<p>momindistress, you mention Prozac, but if your son has ADHD, why isn’t he on ADHD meds? I’m writing as one acutely familiar with the pathologies accompanying ADHD and depression is one of them (which comes when your world is collapsing due to forces entirely out of your control, and all you hear from authority figures are admonishments to “buckle down and apply yourself.”) So is substance abuse (by way of “self-medicating”).</p>

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<p>also, momindistress, I’m concerned about some of the advice you’re hearing here, well intentioned as it may be. Some of it, to my ears, is crazy bad…beyond that, none of it comes from anyone with known, demonstrates expertise in ADHD (who knows, for that matter, whether or not they’ve messed up their own kids). My point here is that it’s imperative that you seek the guidance of an ADHD specialist, preferably an M.D. (eg, psychiatrist with specialization in ADHD). </p>

<p>The good news is it is not too late. Your son can have a marvelous and utterly successful life. The right kind of support is essential. With it, there will be no limits to his accomplishments.</p>

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<p>((Hugs)) to you.</p>

<p>I am so sorry for your situation. I think I may see this a little differently from a lot of people who have already replied. I think the first thing you have to address is the drug problem. There’s no moving forward until he deals with that. Switching schools would not begin to address this problem. I think you should think about rehab.</p>

<p>Another factor to consider is, you still have power to enforce rehab while he is 16. Once he’s 18, the docs won’t even talk to you without his permission.</p>

<p>

  • this concerns me and raises the red flag a little higher.</p>

<p>A dear friend was in your situation - 16 year old son, using pot and alcohol (they thought this was all), anxiety and ADD issues, withdrawing, poor grades, etc. They couldn’t afford an expensive rehab so sent him to an 18 month long low cost, Christian based program (pm me if you want the name of it) where students learned work skills and self-discipline. He completed his high school there and now, 3 years later, is doing very well, going to school part-time and working full-time.</p>

<p>He didn’t have a choice about going. The woke him up in the middle of the night and took him to the airport. </p>

<p>He and the counselors told the parents later that his drug use was much more than they ever suspected, and he has thanked them several times.</p>

<p>I obviously don’t know your son, but please consider that the parents almost always only see the tip of the iceberg when it comes to drug use.</p>

<p>Edit: I now see that PhotoOp previously made this suggestion.</p>

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<p>@calla1 I’m glad to hear this approach worked for your friend’s child. For those who may happen upon this thread sometime in the future, however, I cannot over-emphasize how important it is for ADHD/ADD to be fully diagnosed and properly treated by a medical professional who specializes in this condition. ADD/ADHD is not simply another “issue” for parents to “deal with.” In fact, it can be the root condition that triggers a cascade of symptoms such as the ones you cite, calla1. In such cases, when one attempts to treat ADHD/ADD as just another “issue” to be dealt with alongside other “issues,” one can end up making no real headway and, instead, can end up making things much, much worse.</p>

<p>There is a huge amount of misinformation out there about ADD/ADHD, much of it propagated by well-meaning skeptics who have no idea how debilitating this condition is since they don’t suffer from it. But, to all those parents out there who think they might be dealing with “ADD issues”… Don’t go looking for advice on anonymous Internet forums: Seek the advice of a qualified medical professional, and then get a second opinion. Approach this concern with the same kind of diligence and rigor you would bring to the suspicion of, say, “cancer issues” or any other potentially life-altering health care concern.</p>