Advice regarding asking to house adult child for short-term stay while job-hunting

Parent Cafe
1

<p>As you live in the suburbs of a major east coast city, I’m wondering why the job market in LA seems better to your daughter than scouting out the area where she is more familiar?</p>

<p>Almost every town of any size has a television station, and films are being made all over as well.
What experience does she have in smaller markets?</p>

<p>The LA area may not only be more expensive to live in, but there is likely to be much more competition for jobs.</p>

<p>Of course she may need to figure that out for herself, I don’t know.</p>

2

<p>I’m trying to see if I am completely over-reacting to a situation. I don’t think I am but it appears some people believe I am.</p>

<p>I have a recent college graduate (2012) who wants to settle in Los Angeles for work. We live in the suburbs of a major metropolitan East Coast city. My graduate (daughter) did well with grades at her school but changed majors twice because she was unsure what she wanted to do careerwise. Because she’s just recently decided on her preferred work field, she is admittedly behind others when it comes to experience, internships and connections. She wants to work in TV or film production.</p>

<p>I’m assisting her in finding a place in Los Angeles to live temporarily while looking for a job. Since she doesn’t have a job yet, we don’t feel it makes sense for her to rent with a long-term lease in a place that may not work out. </p>

<p>We know a couple who have a daughter who lives and works in Los Angeles. Our children attended the same school, though they were all different grades/ages and hung out in different “groups”. We also know the parents socially - though I wouldn’t call us close friends, we occasionally attend the same parties and events and I’ve worked closely with the mother on a few different project committees in our area. </p>

<p>I know that this couple’s daughter has a house in the Los Angeles area. Not an apartment - a house. A nice-sized one, from what I can tell (I looked at the basic house information on a real-estate site), with a few bedrooms and a one-bedroom-one bath guest house with kitchen. While the mother had mentioned her daughter’s job in LA and her living there, she was never really specific about the living situation, but I learned “through the grapevine” about this house. Maybe I should mention here that this is a fairly well-off area, and this family is rumored to be VERY well off though they are discreet about it. They drive older cars, they’ve never upgraded their (still very nice) house, etc.</p>

<p>So since the two girls know each other, I thought it would be OK to explain our situation and ask if my daughter could stay with her daughter for a short period of time - perhaps two or three weeks max - to scope out the area and hopefully get a job and apartment lined up. Of course my daughter would have already arranged to have interviews or contacts to work on while there. And certainly we would have paid expenses of some sort. I was very surprised that the other mother did not even consider it. She very quickly said something like “Oh I’m sorry, (daughter) really only has family staying with her whenever we visit, otherwise it’s just her. She doesn’t rent it out.”</p>

<p>Am I wrong to be miffed by this? (A couple of friends have said “let it go” or things of that nature, but I can’t right now, which is why I need to hear additional opinions.) To me, it’s absolutely ludicrous for a young twentysomething girl to live alone in a multiple-bedroom place like that - in Manhattan or Brooklyn or DC her home plus guest home would be a five or six bedroom place, if you consider the “convertible” possibilities! Most kids that age have roommates. If that were me, I would think nothing of having different friends or friends of friends staying with me for a couple of weeks or a couple of months at a time, especially at that age. What happened to sharing and helping people out? Plus wouldn’t it be more fun than living in some big place by yourself?</p>

<p>We rent a not-fancy home in the summer on the coast, and we have often have guests who aren’t family. Isn’t it normal to have guests in a second home? It’s obvious this is a second home (actually, third home, they have an apartment overseas) for the couple, and the daughter just lives there. While the daughter’s job sounds very good and stable - she doesn’t work in entertainment, she’s in the sciences/engineering realm and is supposedly quite smart - there’s no way she makes a salary that affords that house.</p>

<p>I suppose I’m really upset because with the job market the way it is, every little bit of cooperation and connection helps, and I feel we’ve been automatically rebuffed on a request which involves little or no effort from the other party. It’s not as if I’m asking that my husband and I spend three weeks in the house on a free vacation - it’s a kid who’s desperately trying to land a job who is asking!</p>

<p>Please advise, or maybe those who have homes in “popular” job-seeking places (LA, NY, SF, CHI) can advise as well. Did I approach the other mother in the wrong way? If I or my daughter find another situation where someone we know or friend of a friend has space available in their home, how best to approach?</p>

3

<p>Let me preface this by saying that I am not a parent. I am in my mid-20’s, working, living on my own. I live in NYC, so a lot of people want to come here for various reasons (job, vacation, etc.).</p>

<p>I completely understand where the other couple is coming from. I would only be OK with really close friends staying with me. Some people really value their privacy, space, whatever, and that’s not always determined by whether you have a big place or a small one.</p>

<p>My answer to someone I just casually know (unless it’s a very desperate situation) would also be ‘no’, even if I had a house vs. an apartment. All in all, I think it’s their house, their space, and they are not in any way obligated to say ‘yes’. Being uncomfortable with a stranger in the house is enough of a reason, especially in a situation where your daughter could probably stay in a hotel outside of town for a week (what my parents and I did when I was looking for my apartment in New York after graduation).</p>

<p>I am actually kind of struck by YOUR response, especially since it’s not even a close friend.</p>

4

<p>You felt entitled to make the request. Fine. That does not mean the person you asked was required to oblige. She politely declined. Time to find another solution.</p>

5

<p>I personally would have had the same response, if someone I knew slightly asked me if their kid could stay at my kid’s house for a couple of weeks. If the girls don’t know each other well enough that one girl asked the other, IMHO they don’t know each other well enough for parents to foist them off on each other.</p>

<p>It might be normal to have guests at a vacation home, but the house the daughter lives in is not a second home of the parents’ - it’s daughter’s home. Even if the parents pay all the expenses.</p>

<p>I do have internet friends across the country, and if my daughter needed a place to stay for a few weeks near them, I’d ask them if they could recommend a good, inexpensive place for her to stay.</p>

6

<p>I would drop it and not hold any grudges. Honestly, I wouldn’t even ask such a question to a casual acquaintance. Secondly, it’s your daughter who should have directly contacted the girl in LA.</p>

<p>By the way, it does sound a bit like you’re a bit bent out of shape that this girl in LA is fortunate to live in a very nice house and her parents are well off. Sorry–but, it does sound as though you feel that your daughter should be entitled to stay at this young woman’s house because she’s more well off than you.</p>

<p>You should find a short term rental and accept the fact that you will be financing her while she tries her luck in California. I highly recommend you give her a time frame in which she becomes responsible for her expenses by such-and-such a date.</p>

<p>Good luck. </p>

<p>PS–For many parents: When calculating finances needed for college, also budget for post-grad expenses.</p>

7

<p>This is a house of a child of your acquaintance. I don’t think you were wrong to ask, but you are wrong to make assumptions that’s she is being selfish. First of all, as a parent, I would NEVER try to arrange for someone to stay in my child’s house or apartment. If your daughter was friends with her daughter then possibly your daughter could contact her and say she will be in the area…and ask if she would be interested in renting a room for a week or two. However the appropriate thing to do is to stay in a hotel - like one of the suite ones with a kitchen unless your daughter has her own friend to stay with. Relatives are a bit of a different story, and I might ask a not too distant relative to put up my daughter short term. Good luck, but don’t feel bad about the turn down. Also, it was the mom making the assumption for her daughter… so it doesn’t really indicate whether or not the daughter would have enjoyed the company since she presumably wasnt even consulted.</p>

8

<p>I’m wondering if there’s a reason for such a quick response. She didn’t say she would ask her daughter. She didn’t say she’d think about it. Maybe there was a prior experience, or maybe there’s something more that isn’t obvious. I can’t think of what, but that was my first reaction. It’s obviously been discussed within the family that only family would stay there.</p>

9

<p>I think I would have had my daughter ask the other daughter directly. If she didn’t feel comfortable enough to ask, she wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to live there. And if she’s out of college already, she’s plenty old enough to arrange her own life.</p>

10

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<p>I don’t follow why your daughter didn’t ask your friends’ daughter directly (even if my parents helped me financially with my residence, I don’t think I would accept them arbitrarily telling me a random person is coming to live with me.)</p>

<p>In any case, it was only reasonable to refuse. “perhaps two or three weeks max” is amazingly vague, and what it really implies is “indefinitely.” Hell, people’s best friends sometimes ask to stay over for a single week, and it turns into months or years and ruins friendships - never mind an acquaintance.</p>

<p>It’s especially insane as a request considering that working in this field is unbelievably competitive and requires great skills, experience, and connections. The idea that your daughter is going to secure interviews, housing, and a position in 2-3 weeks is a fantasy. You’re looking at 6-12 months in the best case, and there’s a significant possibility that it’s just not going to happen.</p>

11

<p>If it’s the couple’s daughter’s house, why are you asking the parents? Why wouldn’t your D just ask her directly? That’s where I’m lost just like some others. </p>

<p>Fwiw, I’m the opposite of some people here. I live in a tiny apartment and routinely have people stay with me for this that or the other thing. I’m not a person who needs space. Others obviously feel differently and you have to respect their decision. </p>

<p>I don’t think you should feel miffed. I do think it’s a little strange that she didn’t talk to the D first (or tell your D to talk to her D) but it is what it is. She declined your request. You should not have EXPECTED her to say yes (which you did, which is why you’re miffed).</p>

12

<p>Personally, I don’t think the quick response is strange. If mom and daughter are close, she may already know her daughter would not want a random person she doesn’t know staying with her for an extended time (in my view, 3 weeks is NOT short term).</p>

13

<p>If your D wants to move cross-country without already having a job lined up, she is going to have to develop her problem solving skills, pronto. Finding temporary accommodations herself would be an excellent place to start. I assume from your comments that you can’t fund her living expenses indefinitely while she finds herself? </p>

<p>This is not <em>YOUR</em> problem, OP. It’s your daughter’s. Let her own it and realize the challenges. It just may not make sense to just show up in CA and land a dream job in TV/film. She may have to wait tables or temp until something comes along – and LA is not a cheap place to live.</p>

<p>I would also distinguish between the issues of a S/D moving cross-country with a job offer already in hand vs. an S/D who wants to move cross-country and find something once she/he gets there.</p>

14

<p>I think asking someone known to you only casually to stay for two or three weeks is way too long a request. One night maybe…This is not your sister or sister in law.</p>

<p>When I was single in NYC in a tiny apartment (and to a lesser extent when I was in school in Atlanta), I had many friends pass through for a night or two or even three. These were good friends, and to them my door was open - for a few days. If someone had wanted to stay a few weeks, well that would not have been good.</p>

<p>If your daughter knows no one in LA, she will have to go and find a job to pay the rent, and then she can look for better work. When I worked in a NYC law firm, lots of the evening paralegals wanted to be in show biz, so they worked evenings to have the days free to go to try outs etc. They lived in brooklyn or with roommates so that they could afford the rent.</p>

<p>Lastly, I think very wealthy people get asked quite a lot for this favor or that from many people a lot more than they want. I think they say no because it is the nth time that they have had that type of request. (could we just borrow your apt. in Paris for a few days type of thing…)</p>

15

<p>My decision to ask the mother was based on the assumption that she would ask her daughter and get back to me with a response. If the daughter said it was fine, then my daughter would have taken the communication from there. I didn’t expect her to say no instantly (though, yes, she has the right to do that).</p>

<p>I’m more frequently in touch with the other mother/couple than the two daughters are in touch - there’s no animosity between the girls, they just don’t keep in touch. So I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the initial communication being between parents. I see that some responding think the two girls -specifically mine - should have initiated communication and maybe that was a mistake. But since I’m quite sure the parents own that home, not the daughter, I didn’t feel it was inappropriate to ask the mother first.</p>

16

<p>I wouldn’t have asked in the first place. Her daughter is living in the house so you should consider it her home, not her mother’s home. Who paid for the house is irrelevant to you. Thus, your daughter should have contacted the LA girl directly with a proposal to pay rent to her for a set time frame while she looks for work in the area.</p>

<p>You and your daughter should search out short term leases or room shares. Try Craig’s List.
We did this when our son was looking for a 3 month lease in the DC area. </p>

<p>Definitely don’t take offense at the quick “No” response. Asking a casual acquaintance to ask her daughter to house your adult child while she job hunts is wrong.</p>

<p>PS–Would you want someone to move into your home rent free? I don’t think so.</p>

17

<p>OP, it sounds like the two daughters are barely even acquaintances. I wouldn’t even ask one of my adult kids if they wanted to take in someone that they barely know and don’t speak to “for a few weeks”, (which as we all know can turn into months). That’s a whole lot to ask of anyone, even when you KNOW them and their close relatives! I don’t think your friends were out of line at all. I think YOU overstepped.</p>

<p>I have an in-law who is in show business. You’d recognize him. Like most other beginning actors he had a choice of NY or LA to try for the real big time instead of settling for local theater. He chose NY and like many before him, waited tables and took other low-end jobs to afford a dumpy place, sometimes going hungry-you know they don’t call them starving actors for nothing. In any case, that’s part and parcel of trying to make it big-being hungry for a good job because you’re relying on yourself, not having mommy and daddy paying the bills while you try the next thing.</p>

18

<p>

That’s the problem - YOU (mother of adult) asked the the MOTHER (of another adult) and the two people who really mattered in this weren’t involved or in contact with each other. This was the risk you ran when you asked her. It could be worse - the mother could have said “sure, no problem” only to have your D show up in LA and discover the D doesn’t want her there.</p>

<p>Given the above, you shouldn’t hold any animosity against the mother. I wouldn’t have handled it the way that mother did (I would have said your D should contact her D directly) but nevertheless you shouldn’t have approached it this way to begin with IMO (although I don’t think it was a big deal that you did).</p>

<p>I don’t think it’s necessarily a dead end yet since it’s apparently just the two moms who talked and not the people that really matter - the daughters. Your D, if so inclined, could still contact the other D on FB, email, etc. and just ask the question in a way that makes it easy for the house D to decline. It’s worth a shot.</p>

<p>Neither you nor the mother of the house D really know the situation there most likely. That D could have a BF who stays there all the time, throw big parties all the time, or anything else. Your D should really make sure it’s a place she’d want to stay.</p>

<p>In the meantime, has your D checked on extended stay motels to cover the couple of weeks? Another option is to check on sublets, perhaps by students at a college in the area (UCLA, USC, etc.). Some college students are willing to sublet even for short periods of time. yet another option is to look for a shorter term apartment rental. It’s not unusual to rent for 3 months for example although the monthly rent is usually a bit higher than a 1 year lease. My kid has done this multiple times.</p>

19

<p>I don’t think it’s justified in the least to be annoyed. She is not a close friend to your daughter and the mother is not a close friend of yours. Three days would be a big favor under the circumstances. Three weeks is a roommate, and the mother of this girl has made it clear that her D is not looking for one. She really owes you no excuse or explanation other than, she’s sorry that won’t be possible. </p>

<p>Even if you were close to the mom and the girls had been the best of friends in school , you know very little about the girl or her current situation. She could require or desire her privacy for any number of reasons, including those that are not any of your business - or no reason at all. If the parents own the house, they could have their own reasons for not wanting to allow any roommates, especially if it’s a nice home, not a student apartment. That could also be the reason for the instant “no.” </p>

<p>In your position, I would probably tell the mother that my D was looking for temporary housing and ask if your D could get in touch with hers to ask if she or anyone she knows would be willing to do a temporary sublet. Nothing wrong with the mother giving the D the heads up that the D of a friend will be calling.</p>

20

<p>I think you have absolutely no right to be annoyed – I think this is a pretty nervy request. I would probably be annoyed if I were the other mom. Your daughter needs to find her own lodging at this age, even if she wants to live in a city to look for work. And no way should you have been the go between to ask to impose on the acquaintance’s daughter.</p>