<p>Indulging a whim is a fun idea–but one that may only be possible to those with the money to take it on. If you are encouraging your D to take this leap and try for her “dream,” you alone must be willing to buck up and support her financially through what may be a long long transition. It still seems weird to me that OP assumed the world at large should support her daughter, including quite distant acquaintances, to the point she was so put off that she got a “no.” </p>
<p>In a more recent post, you mention that your D is too busy to take care of the details of her move. Is she currently working 2 jobs? Is she socking away money left and right in order to afford her own living expenses once she hits L.A.? Is she doing unpaid intern work on local film productions or quality student films to give her the sort of creative resume that will get her attention when she moves? Seems these would be very productive activities, yet still the D should have plenty of time to figure out how to move. </p>
<p>I know how easy it feels for adults with loads of life experience to take on these little items, but the plan should be to step back and allow the adult D to find her way. If she asks mom for specific advice, brainstorm away! If she asks mom for $$ to support her dream, that’s up to mom. But if she is too busy to figure her own adult life out, I suggest she may not be ready to really give it all it will need to be successful. </p>
<p>As was said by another, many many hearts are broken by chasing a dream they were not prepared to achieve.</p>
<p>When I read this, I was astounded. You heard “through the grapevine” about this house, and went online to find the specs?</p>
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<p>Yes, you absolutely are.</p>
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<p>You have no idea of her circumstances. Even so, you have no right to make a judgment that this is “ludicrous.” Your presumptuousness is astounding.</p>
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Convenient point of view for the person asking to be “helped out,” but may not be applicable to the resident, for many reasons, none of which she should have to defend.</p>
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<p>Again, none of your business. It may be the parents’ third home, but apparently it is the daughter’s main residence.</p>
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<p>You are assuming that allowing an acquaintance to occupy one’s personal space requires “little or no effort.” You have no way of knowing that.</p>
<p>I would never have asked this favor. At most, I would have had my daughter contact her to test the waters. Regardless, you asked, fine, but taking offense at the response and coming up with all these reasons why they SHOULD have helped your daughter (mainly they are wealthy and therefore should feel obligated to help out acquaintances of lesser means) is really the height of entitlement.</p>
<p>It’s normal to be the one who does the inviting, but not the other way around. Even people who like to entertain can value their privacy or choose to invite only their nearest and dearest. It’s almost too obvious to say, but it’s the host who gets to determine whether or not they want to invite someone, when, and for how long. </p>
<p>But this is about someone who is looking for housing, not a social invitation.</p>
<p>After decades and watching the cultural shifts, I sort of understand where everyone is coming from. Decades ago, in the world I lived in, folks crashed with each other all the time. I remember the friend who came to AZ in the winter, and live with me and the ex for a few months, sleeping on our couch, in our 1 bedroom apartment. I longed for alone time with my sig other but would never have thought of asking his friend to leave. He was polite, and a considerate guest, but by current values, very much overstaying his welcome. </p>
<p>More in keeping with the OPs question, a friend’s S came for a university summer session, and stayed till I sort of had to force him out with my arriving family for Thanksgiving. It was awkward. </p>
<p>I always shared my living space to a fault. Now that I own a good sized house, I’m usually happy to have folks come and stay, and extend many invitations, though don’t have as many visitors as the decades pass. But I’ve realized that the culture has shifted. Folks don’t just drop in and stay for a few days, though have loved it when some do. My lifelong best friend visited a while back and I heard her extend the same sort of open door invitation for her house to folks she’d just met. And I realized how I had stopped doing the same thing as much, as I have picked up on that cultural shift. Hotels are more widely used, and in our demographic folks have the money to afford them. Privacy, as well as personal time is more highly prized. </p>
<p>So, OP, I understand. And you have been presented with the current cultural take on your Ds situation. Not worth taking offense, but is a good lesson for the future. </p>
<p>And despite my enjoyment of guests, anyone in the house changes my daily schedule quite a bit, as I’d think would happen with anyone hosting visitors, so you can’t assume no imposition.</p>
<p>When my son went for an interview across country his Dad went with him to help with the driving (20+ hour drive) and contacted a distant relative he hadn’t seen in 25 plus years to meet up for a meal. When son got the job, he was planning to stay in a long term hotel while he looked for a place to rent. We were surprised and delighted when the distant relative invited him to come and stay with him and his wife while he was apartment hunting. It was a *very *generous and unexpected offer, but the thing was - he made the offer. Neither my son or my husband wold have dreamed of asking.</p>
<p>Nrdsb4 in post 62 nails it. I’m sorry, I think it was an out of line request made to someone who is at best an acquaintance. It might have been a reasonable request if made to a relative or very close friend - but even so, they would still have every right to say no.</p>
<p>" If that were me, I would think nothing of having different friends or friends of friends staying with me for a couple of weeks or a couple of months at a time, especially at that age. What happened to sharing and helping people out? Plus wouldn’t it be more fun than living in some big place by yourself?"</p>
<p>No. What would be “fun” about someone who was at best a high school acquaintance coming to live with you?</p>
<p>Greatlakesmom, you are so right! I think your post is very insightful. </p>
<p>I understand the impulse to “help” an adult child. It’s one of the things we parents do best. I think OP just took it a little too far, but I don’t think it’s quite as awful as some are making it out to be. Lesson learned, hopefully. IMHO, there are people in this world who take in every stray college kid/young adult that wanders by…it’s just who they are, and maybe they just assume that everyone is on the same page. I am grateful to strangers who have fed and housed my adult child over school breaks that were too short for him to make the long trek home. The offers we’re extended for longer stays as well…how blessed are we? Also for those who have offered to go hours out of their way for airport runs. It’s just amazing that there are folks who put the needs of others before their own needs! Not criticizing anyone who wouldn’t do these things, but perhaps pointing out that to some there are no strangers in this world…just friends they haven’t met yet. A great way to go through life, and one that I someday hope to embrace. Not quite there yet, but trying .</p>
<p>PG, it really depends on the person. I HATE living alone. I just hate it. I hope to never do it again. The girl in the OP’s post might value her privacy and would like to stay alone. </p>
<p>I agree that OP shouldn’t have assumed. I don’t think the OP should be “miffed”. I don’t think her D was owed space of any sort. However, people are different. Different people like different living conditions. You just can’t project your likes on to someone else (as the OP did).</p>
<p>A wee bit different, but similar. My D (24) has taken a year off from her challenging 6 year program, and wanted to go to London for 6 months to see what kinds of opportunities were there for her in her field (fashion design). I have a (very close) aunt who has a flat there (3 bdrm). I stayed out of it 100%. My D contacted my aunt and over a 2 month period of back and forth communication struck an agreement. My D is now living in London with my aunt and it is going very well. </p>
<p>Perhaps if the OPs D had reached out herself, the reception may have been different. I have to say I think it was inappropriate for the OP to insinuate her D on the acquaintance. It wasn’t a play date.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for the OP. Not only has his question been asked and answered, but he is probably starting to realize how this outlook will impact his daughter.</p>
<p>Socioeconomically, I may be peer of OP, we are blue collar but have acquaintances and friends who generally run at a much higher level of involvement with politics/business & money.
I’ve never asked any of them for a favor, other than to give my D a ride home from school, or maybe if I could borrow their cream suede trousers. ;). </p>
<p>I couldn’t imagine asking anyone but a close friend if I could stay with them for a couple days, and I would never dream of asking them to stay longer. </p>
<p>My personal space is so important to me, that we have kept our house small so that we have a legitimate excuse not to host house guests.
I would even pay for them to stay in a hotel in order to not to have to run into someone else in the kitchen for a midnight snack.</p>
<p>Not only is the woman who owns the home probably surprised at the question, but she also probably feels her family dodged a bullet.
Even short term house guests have a way of expecting more than anyone is prepared to share, and three weeks isn’t short term.</p>
<p>( it also reminds me of Carroll the pilot in 30Rock- assuring the passengers that it will only be * 30 more minutes*</p>
<p>Three weeks/30min, is long enough that you know you will be prevailed upon for a while longer, but there is supposedly a limit - even though that limit can then stretch to an hour or two- or five. Or a month, to three months…</p>
<p>I personally think the request was rather nervy, but no matter. What I found particularly astounding about the op was the offense taken that the request was denied, with the accompanying rationalizations for that sentiment. I found it to be really, really presumptuous to insinuate that the family should feel some sense of obligation to house his/her daughter because it was “ludicrous” for a young woman to have that much living space, that “second homes should be shared,” (even more so in this situation since it was actually a third home), and that there was no way that the daughter’s salary could cover such a lifestyle (the relevance of that escapes me). And finally, the OP projects that having an extended guest would be “fun” and would require little to no effort on the part of the resident daughter. </p>
<p>The attitudes revealed by the OP suggest to me that it was probably a good thing this deal never got off the ground. I can imagine that as the few weeks agreed upon came and went, similar arguments would be made for why the owners’ daughter should be only too happy to extend the deadline for moving out. And so on.</p>
<p>Right. The taking offense at the no was, to me, more problematic than the asking. I can at least appreciate the sentiment of “never hurts to ask, worst they can do is say no” but I’m put off by the offense taken at the no.</p>
<p>I found the going online to spy on the other family’s house most troubling. It’s one thing if it’s a house in which you’ve been a guest, but going out of you way to obtain personal information about an aquaintance who hasn’t provided it to you is icky.</p>
<p>As to philosophy of sharing one’s personal space-my home is my sanctuary. I don’t even like it when I have the cleaning service come in. I count the minutes until they leave! A long term guest-no, not unless it was just extraordinary circumstances, and then family only most likely.</p>
<p>We have a second home to which we love to invite friends for a day or two (or max three), but it is our second home. It is not another home we own which our daughter uses as her primary residence. Big difference.</p>
<p>OP may have retreated due to the negative responses, but she DID ask for opinions. When you do that, you have to be prepared for anything.</p>
<p>I think the thing is - it’s one thing to host a friend, where you might enjoy their company, a chance to catch up, a change of pace. It’s quite another to host an acquaintance.</p>
<p>Wow, did I read this right? It sounds like you think this girl, who doesn’t know your daughter well, should let her stay in her house for an indefinite amount of time? You didn’t mention paying rent, but sharing expenses of some sort. Which means, what? Even though you gave a vague 2-3 weeks max, why would you think it would only take her that amount of time to find a job in this tough job market? And apparently this is all okay because it’s a big house, who needs all that space, and this family has money?</p>
<p>Maybe I misread this, but it appears that you think your daughter is entitled to be a serious freeloader. It is a completely different situation if this was family or a close friend, but it’s not. No WAY, would I ever do this, and no WAY would I ever ask someone.</p>
<p>I was wondering if the OP’s daughter would be paying half of the costs of the house for the period she would be staying there? You know, half the monthly mortgage or rental value, as well as half the utilities/cable, and half of the maintenance costs for the yard/pool/necessary household repairs? After all, if there are 2 people in the house, shouldn’t they share equally?</p>
<p>(after all, it’s ridiculous that the girl lives in that big house all by herself…)</p>