<p>I’m a long time poster posting under a different username for anoymitiy - you know the drill.</p>
<p>I’m having a hard time with a situation, and just wanted to ask advice. In this case, I know the issue resides within me, and only me, but I’m having a hard time with it.</p>
<p>I’ve wanted to move back to my hometown for many years - which is considered a desireable part of the country - but others have discouraged me, and I’ve discouraged myself, because of the lack of jobs and financial insecurity that comes with living in that part of the country. Most jobs are low wage service industry jobs that revolve around the toursim industry, and better paying jobs are rather fleeting.</p>
<p>But, I still want to live there and it’s been a soure of argument with my spouse and I for many years. In particular, my spouse’s mother never felt that that part of the country was good enough for her, and has gone to great lengths to convince her not to allow me to move back there. They lived there for a period of time when we met, I’m a native to the area.</p>
<p>So here is my trouble: Recently, I found that my mother in law has been helping another one of my spouse’s family move back to this area, and stopping by companies and dropping off resumes. You see, while it’s not good enough for my spouse, apparantly it is a great place for others in my wife’s family.</p>
<p>I’m having a hard time with this because I feel betrayed - a part of the country that is not good enough for us is suddenly good enough for others, and because it’s been my dream for years and people in my spouse’s family have been working quietly to make my dream come true for others (who have never had that dream). </p>
<p>I don’t see what your MIL has to do with anything and she shouldn’t be part of the equation and neither you nor your W should let it be. The MIL only has influence if you or W allow her to. You’re a grownup as is your W so just make your own decisions and move if you want without any involvement from the MIL.</p>
<p>As far as the MIL’s motivation for behaving the way she is with helping others but not you or your W, who knows? Does your W know - it’s her mother? People behave oddly for all sorts of reasons, especially as they get older. It doesn’t really matter though if you don’t let it bother you. </p>
<p>You should be doing your own job search, certainly not relying on a MIL to find you a job, so your MIL’s involvement in your ‘dream’ should be nothing. For some reason you haven’t made the move to your dream location yet but if you really want to then do what you need to do to secure a job and then move regardless of what your MIL does or doesn’t do.</p>
<p>If your W is allowing her mother to have an undue influence on your own family life then you have other issues.</p>
<p>I agree with the above assessment.
It’s between you and your spouse.
Others peoples business is their business, it shouldn’t affect your decision.</p>
<p>I also dont see a compelling reason to move back to your hometown at this time, you want to your spouse doesn’t.
You admit that there are poor opportunities for financial stability, but don’t list any compelling reasons that outweigh that.</p>
<p>I agree with GladGradDad.
Maybe she helped the other person because she thought it was a good enough area for him/her but not her daughter and you.
Why do you want to move back ? Having a job or financial sercurity is pretty much the top or close to the top priority/necessity for most adults. Don’t become so deluded by the area that you forget that.</p>
<p>I suspect that the reason your MIL is helping another member of spouse’s family but not spouse and you is that she doesn’t care if the other family member is close to her or not, but she wants to keep spouse and you close to her. </p>
<p>Do what you want to do. You’re an adult, with a wife and [I assume] almost-grown children. There are some cultures that permit the MIL to have a huge influence, but even if that’s your background, you don’t have to permit that to rule your life. You can choose what you want to do.</p>
<p>In other words, step away from the MIL and decide what you want to do.</p>
<p>You know, it’s also possible to find a job long-distance – even if you’re not living there yet. Many people do that. Once you have a job in hand, it will probably be easier to convince your wife.</p>
<p>Maybe your spouse doesn’t want to move back to that area, doesn’t want to tell you and is blaming her mother for it. Also who wants their MIL dropping off resumes for them? </p>
<p>I live in a touristy area much like you are describing. H loves it, me not so much. It’s fine but I miss our old area, my job, and my friends. My kids have no desire to live here and it’s not home for them.</p>
<p>Slightly different interpretation than what deb922 said: Maybe your mother-in-law is discouraging the move because she knows your spouse doesn’t want to move to that area.</p>
<p>You MIL may be hurtful, but is entitled to her own opinion, as well as to do whatever she wants. It can be difficult emotionally if you always thought she was in your corner. But perhaps she wasn’t, or economics triumphs all else to her. Regardless, she is who she is. And you are allowed to choose your own destiny, or place to live, in this case, as well. </p>
<p>The bigger issue I’d think is between you and your wife, if she, independently of you MIL does not want to move back there. Counseling might be a thought, if you can’t reach consensus between the two of you.</p>
<p>Other posts make good points, but it seems to me that the problem is not with the MIL, the problem is you and your spouse disagree on this move. That is the real point here, you guys have to be on the same page, then MIL will follow.</p>
<p>Why do you WANT to move to back to this area? Everything you have posted here would pint to NOT doing so. Family issues, job market, husband doesn’t want to, etc. what are the positives about making such a move. Figure THOSE out and then discuss with your spouse only. MIL should not be in the equation.</p>
<p>Sounds like a nostalgic thing to do that isn’t particularly advantageous for you and your spouse right now.</p>
<p>A happy wife is a happy life so Id stay wherever you are. Can you not satiate your longing to live in your hometown by going over there for a month-long vacation every year?</p>
<p>"I suspect that the reason your MIL is helping another member of spouse’s family but not spouse and you is that she doesn’t care if the other family member is close to her or not, but she wants to keep spouse and you close to her. "</p>
<p>You’ve helped me see the path forward. What I need to do, and focus on, is that what I do with my life needs to be based on what my spouse and I want, not what others outside of our immediate family circle want or expect of us. I’m not sure why it has taken me that long to figure out, but we’re both bad in trying to live up to the expectations of others and not foucsing on what we want.</p>
<p>As far as moving, it makes no sense for me to move. I have financial security now and it is something that the other folks who might move to the desireable area don’t have and won’t have. I perhaps take it for granted at times, but yes, financial security and good employment prospects is the #1 reason to live in any given city, and I’m fortunate.</p>
<p>I should realize that I’m perhaps a bit jealous that other people, who do not have the same need and desire for financial security, are able to do things that I’d like to but can’t let myself do. And, I think I should start letting myself do some more fun things in life too.</p>
<p>You might also consider whether the community you consider desirable might be a good place to move to when you and your spouse retire (if your spouse agrees). </p>
<p>At that point, job opportunities no longer matter, and your whole view of a community may change. </p>
<p>While in their 50s, my mother and stepfather moved to a community that they both loved but that had few job opportunities. Although the cost of living in their new community was much lower than in the place they had left, they had difficulty making ends meet because both of them had trouble finding and keeping full-time jobs – something that had never been a problem for either of them before. They stuck it out, but it was not easy. My mother had to settle for part-time work, and my stepfather had to take a job doing a type of work that he disliked. </p>
<p>A decade later, though, when both had retired, that same community turned out to be a terrific place to live, and they greatly enjoyed it there.</p>
<p>^ This is actually a very good suggestion. We have never lived in an area that I have loved, but it was necessary due to my DH’s job. There was never any question that we would be here for the long haul (and commute). It was in the “pre-nup” that after I endured so many years of it, when retirement rolled around, he would find me a nice little cottage on a lake where hopefully our kids will enjoy visiting. Point is, you go where the money is until you don’t have to anymore. Your profession determines on how much flexibility you have in where ‘the money is’. In our case there was virtually nil.</p>
so Id stay wherever you are. Can you not satiate your longing to live in your hometown by going over there for a month-long vacation every year?</p>